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Avatar universal

Anyone see a pattern here? Third month to detox...I may need more help than I think!

This is the third month to post about detoxing off Narco because I ran out early.  Last one was Friday night.  6 days.  Last day of methadone 2X 5mg/day was Sept. 15, so 83 days.  The withdrawals are getting worse every month.  I don't buy them off the street or ask people for them.  I just endure.  For the last three days my neck feels like it won't stay on my head.  At night I can't lay on one side for long because my shoulders hurt.  Had both knees replaced last year.  I work.  I fake it with my family.  My husband knows, but he encourages me to get the pills because they make me perform like a real wife and mother.  Problem one, it's only about 10-12 days each month before I can get more, not enough time to really get over it.  The pills give such relief from the pain.  I've been taking tylenol and it helps a little, but not much.  I take clonodine also.  All started with knee injuries, years ago  and progressive osteoarthritis.  My dad died at 80 with a blood clot in his leg and severe pain in knees, shoulders, etc.  He hurt for a long time and endured and took Vicodin for a few years before he died.  He was not an addict, though.  He was a good, strong man.  I'm 54 tomorrow.  What I should do?  Suffer till it gets better?  Will it?  Sometimes I don't think so.  Sometimes I think that the Narco is the best option for me because I've had gastric bypass and the NSAIDS hurt my stomach and can cause internal bleeding.  But the tylenol in it has to be bad for liver.  I tried Lyrica but the side effects were awful.  I've searched the web for long term effects of Narco and I've not been able to find anything other than liver problems.  I know that's not good, but I've never seen a personal story of that really happening, so I sometimes doubt it.  I'm still waking up 4 to 6 times a night.  I've got ambien, but they will run out too.  I have an appt. with pain doc on December 22, but by that time, I may have refilled already and on my way to another month of withdrawals.  I think I'm going to tell him that the 2 pills, three times a day, have become 8 because I wake up in the night and my body needs them and I run out early and go through withdrawals every month.  I think I know what will happen though.  He will give me something else to help with withdrawals, tell me to get off the Narco, and then I'll have to get off something else and still hurt like hell every single day of my life.  So I'm open to comments, but this is mostly for me to read again so I can recall what a fool I am.  It's like childbirth, except you forget every month, what hell you've gone through.  
12 Responses
1416133 tn?1351126817
Yeah you're in a vicious cycle right now - running out - then saying you're going to quit because you have no choice (since you have no pills) and you figure if you tell yourself you're going to quit you'll be able to handle the time you have to wait for that next refill to pick up.

YES it's a problem and you know that.  And until you come clean w/your Dr. and tell him you can no longer take them - responsibly - and that you are an addict, this cycle will continue.  It's hard to do, I know.  But that was the first step I took.  I called the Dr. and said I'm in trouble.  Course, he knew that already (kind of a jerk to keep giving them to me and then claim he knew I was an addict, but whatever) - but until you take those steps and make yourself accountable to someone else other than yourself, this cycle will continue.  Only YOU can decide when you've had enough.

And you know - there are a lot of home remedies to help w/the withdrawal and many other options for pain management that don't include taking narcotics.  So I think until you come clean w/the Dr. and remove ALL access to getting the pills, you aren't going to be able to do this.  At least I couldn't.

And as disturbing as I found your statement about your husband "preferring" you to be on the pills so you can be a perfect wife, well that you can address once your head is clean and you're thinking clearly.  One thing at a time.

So what do you think it's going to take to get you there?  Are you here again because you ran out and are panicking again?  Believe me, I don't mean that to sound harsh because I was in the same cycle you're in now.  And it won't end well and you know that.
Avatar universal
I'm not really panicking, just hurting and hard to get my life done.  I don't know why I'm here. The methadone withdrawals aren't as bad anymore, the fatigue is fading, so I know there's hope.  I guess that I think that I'm logical, and if I read these posts enough, I'll finally figure out that I'm on a dead end.  Thanks for your comments.  I know in my head what to do, I just hope that I have the strength to do it.  
1416133 tn?1351126817
Okay well I hope you start feeling better soon.  Hang in there.  And it's true there is a lot of good info here.  I hope it helps.  :)
Avatar universal
And yeah, it is disturbing...28 years.  He cooks, he cleans, he drives the kids around because he knows I can't handle work and all of that.  I hope it's because he doesn't understand what I'm going through...but yeah...it's disturbing...he wants to be sure I work.  I don't even know how to deal with that.  It sounds really bad when it's in black and white like that.  
1416133 tn?1351126817
Yes.  Well it is something you should address but when you're feeling better, clearer and stronger.  Remember one thing at a time.  It sounds like he's contributing to the household, so that is good.  And the thing is, after you've been clean for a while, with the right plan and support system in place, and the right aftercare, you do return to who you used to be.  And once again, you're able to do the things you used to do too.  So maybe that's what it is - that he wants you to be you again.  And because of the pills, and the false sense of strength they give you, he's interpreting that to mean you need them.  Kind of hard to get a non-addict to understand what the drugs can do to you.

Bottom line though, tackle one thing at a time.  :)
Avatar universal
I hope you don't mind, but your comment about there being other things besides narcotics made me think, "Well why hasn't it been offered to me?"  I want to know what's next for me.  I think that's why I don't take the leap. Did your pain go away?  I'm just being honest about what's on my mind.  
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