BACK AGAIN! Im in a bad place and need some support!

[this_big]

I dont know why i keep putting myself through this BS. It gets outta control before i even see it happen. Right now im RXed 112 30mg roxies and 56 60mg Morphine. My last script was filled less than two weeks ago, and im out!! I've been out for a few days now. Picking up and borrowing whatever i can. The last few days thats been...i cant even remember how many 10mg methadone and last night i had a 75mcg fentanyl patch delivered. Really?!?! Fentanyl!! I always told myself i wouldnt mess with these friggin things. Lets put it this way..i cut it into 1/4s because of all the warnings on the package. I was scared to put the whole patch on. You guessed it...ive got all 4 1/4s on now. The scary part is its not doing much to ease my withdraws.

This crap has to end!! As always it couldnt be worse timing. I've got a whole list of excuses why now isnt a good time. I know deep down thats all they are is excuses. I've been lurking here for the past few weeks reading and re-reading old posts trying to remind myself its possible to get through this crap.I've never felt so stuck in all my life!! I cant live this way!! I know what needs to be done, but just cant muster up the courage to do it...Stressin so bad right now...

[dominosarah]

There are always contact numbers for meetings in your area.  I hope all your contacts tell you NO MORE.

[nursegirl6572]

Just FYI...Dilaudid is addictive.  It's one of the stronger opiates out there.

this_big....dig deep....find a way.  I know it isn't easy, but there is always a way, no?  Can't you get a ride to a meeting?  Once you get there, you will meet people you can lean on.

You need to eliminate your sources...and anything you have lying around...if not, you will just keep using.

You've got ALL of us knowing you can do it...the only one who isn't on board yet is YOU!!!

[this_big]

@IBK Yes, unfortunately I caved. One last night and one today. Its been about 8hrs and i'm actually feelin pretty calm now. Usually by now I'd be freakin out. i've been breaking them in half and only doing half. Not that it makes it any better. But i think it may be dropping my tolerance. i tried really hard to get a ride to a meeting. Best i could come up with is tomorrow. i just flat dont have the gas. I actually called the 800 number on NA website to see if they maybe have a shuttle...nothing. I called ol boy to see if he could "spot" me one more and he has cut me off. I think hes worrried about getting paid back. never the less. Im out of suppliers. My ex is here now. We worked out an agreement for temporary living. I'm gonna stay in my sons room. I will not have anything "delivered" while shes here. Even though she said she is done, i'm still holding out hope. Its so hard being here with her and not being able to get close. I really hate to whine, but this **** hurts. BAD!! We'll see what tonight holds but for now i'm calm with an ocational break down.Honestly not really craving. SO as of right now its been right at 9hrs and counting.

@Sarahsaurus( sorry couldnt help myself). You are absolutly right. i'm RIGHT there I've just gotta get this emotional crap under contol.

@livbig Not an option. Everything is addictive. Thanks for the words of encouragment, Pains not the issue here. I'm an addict.

[livbigluvstrongr]

anything can be addictive but dilaudid isnt addictive per se maybe you should switch from one to the other for pain and or the addictiveness of the other until you can recover and slowly dose down.if youre in true pain occupy your mind paint,fix,build,call a friend,call a hotline,walk,play a game,eat a healthy snack do anything to get ur mind off of the pain or the habit part of addiction.you are a tower or strength,you are loved even if you dont know who by,your life is worthy and so are you.you are needed.realize these htings about u like i do you are stronger than a manmade drug you can win now go fight and bring back the trophy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGE HUGS <3

[IBKleen]

So Big, did you use last night or what? this is along post and I tried to read through it but I can't seem to find where you did or didn't. SO...???

[ricart70]

on a somewhat unrelated note i saw a t shirt the other day that said "if you were a dinosaur you would be a bit*cha-wh*rous"

[Pat1956100]

Mary Poppins, bat, and now a dinosaur.  You have morph powers too.
I did not use the word OLD lol.  Not by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin.

[nursegirl6572]

Dinosaursarah...classic!!!

DS...you should totally change your username to that!  I love it...not because of an age factor, but because of your experience.  (You're old too, so that works....lol)

[dominosarah]

I am a dinosaur!!!

[Rubber_Duck_Dog_Bone_in_the_pool_WhyNow]

Dinosaursarah - Great Sentence!!!!  "YOU hold the key that will unlock these chains".  That is a keeper in my book... and soooo true.  You are so smart,  Thanks for always helping us all out.

[dominosarah]

You have lost pretty much everything to these drugs right?  So if you take the drugs out of the picture they can no longer rob you of living again, right?

[this_big]

@toothfairie...It does hurt to hear those things, i know its true though. I've made this bed now I have to sleep in it. Man I wish i could go back in time. Thank you for the support.

@clean...trust me I have read and re-read every post, both old and new. i can remember almost exactly how I felt at each moment. I remember the fear and hopeless feeling I had when I finally reached out on this site. i remember the first time making 30 days and picking up that 10ft tall brown chip. I remember it all. Yes, I had actually read that letter in the past. Your right this addiction has done and is doing everything its promised. I know deep down I can get through this. Its just EXTREMELY overwhelming right now. And yes loseing evrything I love IS worse. Being a hard a$$ isn't always a bad thing. I think we all need a kick in the a$$ every now and again...written or otherwise. Thank you...I do read every word from every post I'm hopeing something will kick me in the a$$.

@ beach. I feel like im going insane.

@ sarah None what so ever! some sleep...thats about it.

Shes coming over soon to talk about what we are gonna do about the living situation. Shes at her moms now, but wants me to leave so she can stay here. I literally have nothing. No money, no gas,  nowhere to go. I have friends that would be more than willing to help, but they either use or have ALOT of guns and other things that are not probation friendly. excuses excuses I know. I just feel so lost right now. I know ultimately only "I" can do what needs to be done, but I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for me. I know its probably frustrateing to keep telling me the same ****...Please Right now i need it. Im gonna try and get a ride to a meeting tonight. I've calmed down a little.

[dominosarah]

What good is coming from using?  

[atthebeach]

Insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

[clean_in_ks]

You keep using the words "can't" and "trying".  Instead of I CAN and I'm going to DO it.  (not try to......leaves room to fail....) You really ought to take the time to read back over this ENTIRE thread when you first posted it Dec 4th.  Read EVERY word.....YOURS and ALL the people reaching out to help you.  Maybe re-reading it.....thinking about where you started 17 days ago and where you are tonight......just how desperate you are and how badly you really want this....OK?

The latest crisis is your fiance leaving you.  What about getting determined to CHANGE the man you have become and BEING the man she fell in love with?  He's been gone from her......and she misses him as bad as he longs to be that "other" man.  She just can't stand by and watch you literally spiral out of control and do this to yourself.  If she loves you, she has to leave for HERSELF.
You said you've been clean before for 60 days (32 of it in jail as you said) and the time before that for almost a YEAR!  So, you already KNOW you can do it.  You've already made it longer than LOTS of us on here.
But now you've added fentanyl to your morphine and roxie mix and then instead of being honest with the very dr that COULD help you, you said "he was kind enough to switch your morphine to oxys".   You just couldn't tell him the truth.  (couldn't.....again??  where's the willingness to change here?)
You say the love of your life "asked if the pills were an issue again and I've assured her they weren't".  HUH???  She KNOWS they are because she's watched you go to jail, have to sell the new car you bought her for legal fees, be on probation knowing if you violate you face a MIN of 5 yrs in prison, get fired, go broke and you're still using.  WHY would she choose to stay?  The spiral of this destruction is spinning FAST on you.
I referenced a letter "from my addiction" in one of my earlier posts above.
Did you read that?  ALL that is happening and will totally destroy you if you don't ACT is right there in black and white.  It's not unique.....to just me....it's a promise from your addiction.  The w/d's are obviously not new to you.....they s*ck, yes.....but doesn't losing EVERYTHING you love and care about s*ck WORSE?  We hate ourselves more than anyone on this earth could ever hate us.  We are our own worst enemy.  But....you have the gift of one thing right now:  THE POWER OF CHOICE.
And you are still alive to MAKE a NEW choice.....tonight.
  
Here's 3 thoughts I quoted in another one of my journals that might click in your head......they SURE did for me.

"If we wait until we're ready......we'll be waiting the rest of our lives"

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you want to be"

"If it's important to you, you'll find a way.  If not, you'll find an excuse"

"Trust that your soul has a plan......and even if you can't see it completely, know that everything will unfold as it is meant to"

I kind of have the stigma of being a hard a## on this forum I think.  But ya know what.....my heart HURTS for you......I care about you as a man.....as a fellow addict.  And I'll continue to pray you decide to exercise your power of choice~

[toothfairie]

just keep posting...that's what this site is for...support and help....no one can do this alone....so don't feel alone right now.....you have tons of support here

[this_big]

im tryin ...hardhats why im here

[toothfairie]

hopefully there is some hope she will come back when your clean??   but you have to focus on you right now....i know that's not easy at all but you getting and staying clean has to take priority right now.....i know that's hard for you to hear....but seeing things clearly will help you alot....just try and focus on not taking the pills for now....the rest will work itself out!

[this_big]

although i did get one last night

[this_big]

its not so much the pills as much as my fiance...or lack there of. it just friggin hurts

[nursegirl6572]

Of course it's not easy.  If it was...there would be no one on this forum.  Talk to these people...they have lived it...some of them are going through it right along with you.  ALL the stuff you're feeling WILL pass.  It WILL get better.  Focus on that...on how good it will feel to live life every day not having to worry about how many pills you have left, where the next ones are coming from...etc.  At this point, I'm sure the "high" has been long gone, you're only maintaining to stay out of w./d's.

Choose sobriety...you can do it...keep talking.

[toothfairie]

i know it's hard....we've all been thru alot but we help each other thru the dark days.....just stick close here.....we can help and support you....just keep posting when you feel the need!  

[this_big]

Its just SO much at once.  Whine whine whine...I know.

[IBKleen]

You can do this. You don't want to do this.It is too hard to face your feelings and face reality. It's easier to just get high and say "screw it". Well, that is your choice but some day, if you make it, you will be here again. Only it will be worse. Your bottom has a basement my friend and if you start using again you will find that out.

I would love to see you stand here and face your feelings and your fears and all that is going on around you. That's what I want. I can only pray that you find the strength to realize that it is also what you want.

Please re-think what you are about to do, if you haven't already. I fear that you won't make it back here...