BACK AGAIN! Im in a bad place and need some support!

[this_big]

I dont know why i keep putting myself through this BS. It gets outta control before i even see it happen. Right now im RXed 112 30mg roxies and 56 60mg Morphine. My last script was filled less than two weeks ago, and im out!! I've been out for a few days now. Picking up and borrowing whatever i can. The last few days thats been...i cant even remember how many 10mg methadone and last night i had a 75mcg fentanyl patch delivered. Really?!?! Fentanyl!! I always told myself i wouldnt mess with these friggin things. Lets put it this way..i cut it into 1/4s because of all the warnings on the package. I was scared to put the whole patch on. You guessed it...ive got all 4 1/4s on now. The scary part is its not doing much to ease my withdraws.

This crap has to end!! As always it couldnt be worse timing. I've got a whole list of excuses why now isnt a good time. I know deep down thats all they are is excuses. I've been lurking here for the past few weeks reading and re-reading old posts trying to remind myself its possible to get through this crap.I've never felt so stuck in all my life!! I cant live this way!! I know what needs to be done, but just cant muster up the courage to do it...Stressin so bad right now...

[dominosarah]

What good is coming from using?  

[atthebeach]

Insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

[clean_in_ks]

You keep using the words "can't" and "trying".  Instead of I CAN and I'm going to DO it.  (not try to......leaves room to fail....) You really ought to take the time to read back over this ENTIRE thread when you first posted it Dec 4th.  Read EVERY word.....YOURS and ALL the people reaching out to help you.  Maybe re-reading it.....thinking about where you started 17 days ago and where you are tonight......just how desperate you are and how badly you really want this....OK?

The latest crisis is your fiance leaving you.  What about getting determined to CHANGE the man you have become and BEING the man she fell in love with?  He's been gone from her......and she misses him as bad as he longs to be that "other" man.  She just can't stand by and watch you literally spiral out of control and do this to yourself.  If she loves you, she has to leave for HERSELF.
You said you've been clean before for 60 days (32 of it in jail as you said) and the time before that for almost a YEAR!  So, you already KNOW you can do it.  You've already made it longer than LOTS of us on here.
But now you've added fentanyl to your morphine and roxie mix and then instead of being honest with the very dr that COULD help you, you said "he was kind enough to switch your morphine to oxys".   You just couldn't tell him the truth.  (couldn't.....again??  where's the willingness to change here?)
You say the love of your life "asked if the pills were an issue again and I've assured her they weren't".  HUH???  She KNOWS they are because she's watched you go to jail, have to sell the new car you bought her for legal fees, be on probation knowing if you violate you face a MIN of 5 yrs in prison, get fired, go broke and you're still using.  WHY would she choose to stay?  The spiral of this destruction is spinning FAST on you.
I referenced a letter "from my addiction" in one of my earlier posts above.
Did you read that?  ALL that is happening and will totally destroy you if you don't ACT is right there in black and white.  It's not unique.....to just me....it's a promise from your addiction.  The w/d's are obviously not new to you.....they s*ck, yes.....but doesn't losing EVERYTHING you love and care about s*ck WORSE?  We hate ourselves more than anyone on this earth could ever hate us.  We are our own worst enemy.  But....you have the gift of one thing right now:  THE POWER OF CHOICE.
And you are still alive to MAKE a NEW choice.....tonight.
  
Here's 3 thoughts I quoted in another one of my journals that might click in your head......they SURE did for me.

"If we wait until we're ready......we'll be waiting the rest of our lives"

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you want to be"

"If it's important to you, you'll find a way.  If not, you'll find an excuse"

"Trust that your soul has a plan......and even if you can't see it completely, know that everything will unfold as it is meant to"

I kind of have the stigma of being a hard a## on this forum I think.  But ya know what.....my heart HURTS for you......I care about you as a man.....as a fellow addict.  And I'll continue to pray you decide to exercise your power of choice~

[toothfairie]

just keep posting...that's what this site is for...support and help....no one can do this alone....so don't feel alone right now.....you have tons of support here

[this_big]

im tryin ...hardhats why im here

[toothfairie]

hopefully there is some hope she will come back when your clean??   but you have to focus on you right now....i know that's not easy at all but you getting and staying clean has to take priority right now.....i know that's hard for you to hear....but seeing things clearly will help you alot....just try and focus on not taking the pills for now....the rest will work itself out!