BACK AGAIN! Im in a bad place and need some support!

[this_big]

I dont know why i keep putting myself through this BS. It gets outta control before i even see it happen. Right now im RXed 112 30mg roxies and 56 60mg Morphine. My last script was filled less than two weeks ago, and im out!! I've been out for a few days now. Picking up and borrowing whatever i can. The last few days thats been...i cant even remember how many 10mg methadone and last night i had a 75mcg fentanyl patch delivered. Really?!?! Fentanyl!! I always told myself i wouldnt mess with these friggin things. Lets put it this way..i cut it into 1/4s because of all the warnings on the package. I was scared to put the whole patch on. You guessed it...ive got all 4 1/4s on now. The scary part is its not doing much to ease my withdraws.

This crap has to end!! As always it couldnt be worse timing. I've got a whole list of excuses why now isnt a good time. I know deep down thats all they are is excuses. I've been lurking here for the past few weeks reading and re-reading old posts trying to remind myself its possible to get through this crap.I've never felt so stuck in all my life!! I cant live this way!! I know what needs to be done, but just cant muster up the courage to do it...Stressin so bad right now...

[this_big]

although i did get one last night

[this_big]

its not so much the pills as much as my fiance...or lack there of. it just friggin hurts

[nursegirl6572]

Of course it's not easy.  If it was...there would be no one on this forum.  Talk to these people...they have lived it...some of them are going through it right along with you.  ALL the stuff you're feeling WILL pass.  It WILL get better.  Focus on that...on how good it will feel to live life every day not having to worry about how many pills you have left, where the next ones are coming from...etc.  At this point, I'm sure the "high" has been long gone, you're only maintaining to stay out of w./d's.

Choose sobriety...you can do it...keep talking.

[toothfairie]

i know it's hard....we've all been thru alot but we help each other thru the dark days.....just stick close here.....we can help and support you....just keep posting when you feel the need!  

[this_big]

Its just SO much at once.  Whine whine whine...I know.

[IBKleen]

You can do this. You don't want to do this.It is too hard to face your feelings and face reality. It's easier to just get high and say "screw it". Well, that is your choice but some day, if you make it, you will be here again. Only it will be worse. Your bottom has a basement my friend and if you start using again you will find that out.

I would love to see you stand here and face your feelings and your fears and all that is going on around you. That's what I want. I can only pray that you find the strength to realize that it is also what you want.

Please re-think what you are about to do, if you haven't already. I fear that you won't make it back here...