BACK AGAIN! Im in a bad place and need some support!

[this_big]

I dont know why i keep putting myself through this BS. It gets outta control before i even see it happen. Right now im RXed 112 30mg roxies and 56 60mg Morphine. My last script was filled less than two weeks ago, and im out!! I've been out for a few days now. Picking up and borrowing whatever i can. The last few days thats been...i cant even remember how many 10mg methadone and last night i had a 75mcg fentanyl patch delivered. Really?!?! Fentanyl!! I always told myself i wouldnt mess with these friggin things. Lets put it this way..i cut it into 1/4s because of all the warnings on the package. I was scared to put the whole patch on. You guessed it...ive got all 4 1/4s on now. The scary part is its not doing much to ease my withdraws.

This crap has to end!! As always it couldnt be worse timing. I've got a whole list of excuses why now isnt a good time. I know deep down thats all they are is excuses. I've been lurking here for the past few weeks reading and re-reading old posts trying to remind myself its possible to get through this crap.I've never felt so stuck in all my life!! I cant live this way!! I know what needs to be done, but just cant muster up the courage to do it...Stressin so bad right now...

[Fireby29]

Hi, I see you have been here before.  I was not around then, so I do not know your background.  I assume you have legit pain issues to be getting a script like that.  Are you looking to get clean or just make ends meet until your next script?  Seems to be you have to tell your doc your a addict, that is a lot to be taking and getting no effect, your gonna need some help to detox.

We're you clean?  We're you in aftercare?  I have told my doc, pharmacies and dentist I am a addict and so I cannot get narcs easily at all.  I know it has helped me, keep posting, let us know how you are doing.  Do not kick yourself, I have relapsed a ton until last June.

Bryan

[dominosarah]

You say you cant muster up enough strength to do what is right here....How about saying you CAN.  YOU hold the key that will unlock these chains.  As long as you have the door open to getting scripts and other supplier(s) this insanity will continue.  There is no happy ending to this addiction.  It is do or die.  There isnt a one of us that is exempt from od'g.  If you dont have the time to be sick, than make the time to be well.  It is time for you to get rid of the excuses and fight for you.  You are worth it.

[OpenMind24hours]

You've had lots of experience with this site and why we all are here. As I'm sure you know, our disease is progressive, incurable and fatal. As practicing addicts we seek our destruction a few pills at a time or a bottle at a time until we die. This is the insanity of addiction. In our hearts we don't really want to do this, but we're driven to do it. Insanity is continuing to do the same things and expecting different results.

You posted just now because you don't want to die. You have a spark of the divine in you. You indeed have the courage. You've been through this before and you know there's going to be some pain, but suffering is optional.  You'll get through the pain somehow, and we'll help you all we can. We addicts are fortunate that our type of insanity can be arrested, although not cured, by stopping and getting involved in some type of aftercare as if our lives depend on it; and it really does. Getting involved in our own recovery is how we end our suffering. You can do this! God bless.

[LeaAnn807]

You got it!  The crap has to end.  And it will eventually, one way or another.  And you know this!  I don't have to tell you. You will die. (and you easily could while playing around with a fentanyl patch) You will go to jail.  Or you will quit!  Obviously, you still have the choice, while some people don't anymore.  I'd do this while you still have options!  

You just have to find the strength and courage to do it.  What scares you about stopping that doesn't scare you about continuing to use?  What is your fear about quitting?  That the WD will kill you?  It won't!  The only way that will happen is if you have underlying health issues, and if you do then you REALLY don't need to be abusing pills!  Get a doctor's help.  You can find one who will help you with this.  Usually, doctors are happy to help someone stop an addiction.  They are NOT happy to help you stay in one!  (or the good ones aren't!) Go and see someone TODAY and stop this crap once and for all, and stop going back to it!  I would REALLY like to see you live, and I'd like to see you take that patch off and quit messing around with your life!

[this_big]

Yes i have back issues, no i dont need what i get for those issues. I live in Fl and unfortunatly all it takes is an MRI and a little whining to get whatever the hell you want. No, Im not trying to make it till my next DR visit. I'd like to come clean before then.

  Yes, ive been down this road more than i'd like to admit.The last time staying clean for 60+days(right after being in jail for 32 of those). the time before that almost a year. And yes, i feel like aftercare was a big part of that.In the begining anyway.I wasnt taking nearly what i take now.  

i guess here is my biggest issue right now...Im on probation. if i violate i get a min of 5yrs in PRISON. This is one of the main reason i started seeing this Dr. (to get legit so to speak).I dont trust myself not to take something. Next issue is my fiance...I just dont think she can handle another blow like this. Last year when i was arrested (for dealing in stolen property) for those who are wondering, and yes so i could buy pills. She had to sell the car i had just bought her 6 months prior to pay the $4500 for my attorney. She has no idea how bad off i am right now.

  There are so many other things. Im in the middle of a kitchen remodel that i havent been to in 4days because im "sick". I could go on and on...blah blah blah.

The only good thing i guess is that im tapped out. Im broke! I have no gas in my truck, like $6 in my checking acct. Ive "borrowed" all i can borrow. Which brings up another excuse...how the hell am i gonna pay back what i owe out right now if i come clean...all this **** has my brain fried right now. I am an emotional train wreck...

@ Sara... Im tryin...trust me.

[kyle505]

For me, worrying and stressing about the detox was almost as bad and the process itself.  In fact, in the middle of my days in hell I realized that I had done the right thing and that it would be over in a few days.
As the others have said, you are the only one who can decide if now is the time, because you are the one who applies the patch or puts pills in your mouth. No one else.
We can offer help and support; we can tell our stories and talk about how great life is without meds...But we can't make you stop. It's your call. All the best.

[clean_in_ks]

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/564106/POWERFULLetter-to-me-from-my-AddictionNever-Forget

Hey welcome back. Your continued cries for help are a good thing.  Please read that letter above.  Your bottom can be wherever you choose for it to be.  DO it different this time.  Don't let this kill you; we've already had two different people share within the last week on here about a loved one who stopped breathing or overdosed killiing themselves before they found a way out.  I'm not implying that FEAR should be  your motivator.  Each of us has to hit that "certain point" where we become determined with all that is within us and then ASK for help.  Not fight it with our willpower; but SURRENDER and accept that we are powerless over this drug(s) and our lives have truly become unmanageable.  That's why it's the FIRST step.  Your life is valuable, you are loved, and there is a whole new way of life inviting you to do it different this time.  You know the drill.....you may reject one of them, but they absolutely are critical for success in this new venture....Cut ALL your sources, share with SOMEONE, and get some help from others living a clean and sober life.
Keep on keepin on~

[this_big]

Its not so much worrying about the wd. Your right, its not as bad as we make it out to be. Its all my obligations. Christmas is right around the corner. Last year i spent Thanksgiving in jail. this year im gonna be detoxing through Christmas...uuggh

[laurel453]

i guess you are messing so much around, taking so much and fuelling this vicious cycle because you do not want it. We are such that we destroy ourselves hoping to build up from the remains and we are rescued from our graves (almost)... ok, now you start again building up... one minute, one hour at a time... keep walking, this big !!  

[clean_in_ks]

And there will always be a "something"

This year I have not one single dollar to spend on holiday gifts, baking, cards, stamps, etc; I don't have the physcial health to get out and put up all our Christmas decor; can't even pay for or orgainize a big family dinner.  BUT......I am 165 days clean.  And for TODAY....for this holiday season, that's OK!!!  Acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today. (quote from the Big Book of AA)

It is what it is.......and wherever you go........there you are!

[denise3606]

What a GREAT Christmas gift you are giving yourself and your family..Keep up the great work...I am on day 9 and still struggling with anxiety and lack of energy,,But like I have been told, it takes a while to get normal..Whatever that is...So very proud of you and you be very proud of yourself...Denise

[kyle505]

Well, maybe look at the detox (and putting things in place to STAY off meds) as the very best Christmas present ever - for you and all of your loved ones.
This is a difficult time of year for most of us anyway; I haven't been clean for Christmas in years - in fact, I can't remember the last one when pills weren't involved. But we have each other for support.
So, I am wishing you a Merry Christmas and a very happy new year. You have lots to look forward to.

[YesLife4Me]

I can find all kinds of reasons to use.  Bad day, bad mood, hurting, upset about something, don't want to deal with reality, on and on.  In the end, it is my choice to either use or not use.  I know what the consequences are for using.  And there is no way out except to walk the path to sobriety.   I can relate to your financial issues.  We have all put off responsibilities for our drug of choice.  And when those run out, the responsibility is still there, but now we are stressing more about it, so go find more drugs to hide...its an awful cycle.   Being grateful for what you do have is the key I believe.  You could be homeless, alone, etc.   I have been trying to get clean for 6 months now.  Last time I made it almost 30 days which is the longest I have gone in 5 years.   It is a process, so now rather than sheer willpower, I need to accept and surrender to it with all that it brings.   They keep saying you gotta really want to be done.  That voice kept nagging me so my willingness hadn't kicked in fully.  Today is only day 2 but its 2 days I haven't used.  I have that.  

[Pat1956100]

I can totally relate to the financial ruin.  If you quit or not it's still going to happen.  Once you get clean though you do something about it rather than numbing yourself so you can hide away.
I phoned creditors and made plans.  I really wish I had done it sooner because interest had been piling on.  They will work with you.  They have no choice.  It's either work with you or get nothing.  
It was the pills that caused my problems.  Now that I am clean they are still there but it's just money.  Nobody died, yet.

[smellzy]

Hi i use to come here under another nickname but lost my password had to reset it and use a new name (smellzy) but call me Deb if u like lol...i am addicted to codeine panafen plus take 45 in a day 15 at a time 3 times a day...about a year ago i went c/t lasted 4 days couldn;t get out of bed coming out both ends restless legs depression etc etc .....daughter ended up getting me some i took 4 and whoa up out of bed and as the old story goes it gradually grew up too 45 a day...now i should be able too do this again i spoke to my gp she was fantastic she gave me script for diazapan to help relax and give me sleep and tramadol sr (slow release so there is no way i would get addicted to those but idid try them and they take away most of the w/d symptoms....the panafen plus really are not doing much for me anymore i had a buldging disc thats when i tryed them and got a nice feeling and it grew from there,but just cant seem to find motivation to stop taking them any ideas on how too stop thinking about them..so sick of chemist hopping wondering were im getting the next packet so draining...when i start thinking about giving them up again i start getting depressed and i don't normally suffer depression...Thanks to anyone reading my post ...appreciate any advice Deb..  :)
.

[smellzy]

I really want too get off the codeine..I have the tramadol now which was given too me by gp to help with the wd of getting of the pills codeine ...i have good intentions to start everyday but soon as morning comes im thinking i buy one more pack codeine,but i dont take the tramadol while i take codiene only when i try to stop the codeine i take tramadol  sr ....i will do this..what was your addiction and how are you doing :)

[this_big]

The s*^t has finally hit the fan. My fiance of 10yrs has left. Got fired from the kitchen remodel i was on. Flat *** broke with no job. whine whine i know. Right when i thought i couldnt reach a lower bottom. So sick to my stomach right now. I guess I cant go anywhere but up from here...thats what i thought last time, and the time before, and, and, blah blah blah. These little monsters have turned me into the biggest peice of crap. And yet i still crave them. My heart is hurting SO bad right now. That woman means everything to me. im so friggin lost right now. Sorry for b!tchin i needed to vent.

[Nighthawk61]

If you get clean and stay clean you might get her back, it's a possibility. I haven't heard any talk about any aftercare, AA, NA, Addiction Consultant, working the 12 steps. How do you expect a different result my friend, if you don't put in the work? You know that junkies, and addicts get clean from every conceivable concoction and circumstance with the help and support of other addicts, so why haven't you taken these measures yet?

[Nighthawk61]

It costs nothing to go to a meeting and get a sponsor and their number. Stop making excuses and do the work dear.

[maria920]

Hi I was just reading thru this thread and then same ur last post. I'm so sorry she left u , I think now its time to get clean. O was the same way as u are my husband said he would leave, I lost my job and my car no money and sick. So I've decided I have got to change!!! What else would I have to lose?? Oh ya MY LIFE! U never think it could happen but it does and it will . I'm not trying to scare u but if this isn't ur bottom what is? Think about it!! Mayb a rehab program? Something to get ur life back and mayb ur fiancé. I wish u all the luck and on really REALLY routing for u!!! U can do this I promise. U just have to want it so bad. Keep posting were all here for u!!

[maria920]

I'm really routing for u*** trying to post this from my phone... =] Sry

[IBKleen]

Right now you need to worry about you. You can't have a relationship with her until you have one with yourself. Are you still using? Have you thought about aftercare to help you learn coping skills and relapse prevention? I think it would be in your best interest to try something different. Your best thinking got you here so you're not real good at this. None of us are. You need outside help with this. Your addiction does not go away after you put the drugs down. You will always be an addict. You have a choice once you get clean and that is to stay clean or go back into active addiction. If you would like to talk about ways to STAY clean..just ask.

I'm praying for you.

[this_big]

When i can hold these tears back im gonna try and go to a meeting. Im in no shape to drive at the moment. Yes, im still useing. After i wrote this a couple weeks ago a 'friend" stopped by with something to make me feel "better". That got me to my Dr appt. And my Dr was so kind to switch my morphine with Oxycontin...I cant be mad at him i asked!  Another great plan..."oh maybe i could use the OC to taper with" I friggin know better. But in that moment....

I was pumping myself up the whole week before my appt to come clean with him then chickened out that day. Hes also an "addiction specialist" and rxs sub and methadone, and one of the "plans" was to maybe try one of them... To be honest though...i just dont see that crap working for me. I'll find a way to abuse it.

My fiance has no clue...well lets say a little clue that im abuseing right now. The reason shes gone is because of the peice of **** ive become. Shes asked if the pills were an "issue" again and ive assured her they wern't.I know its all my fault. And that these pills are the 100% reason im in this boat. Im just so damn angry with myself right now. I have a buddy coming over to talk Im gonna see if I can maybe stay with him tonight and get a game plan down. Sorry if this is all over the place I am an emotional train wreck right now.

[toothfairie]

just wanted to lend my support.....sorry you are going thru all this but you know what has to happen...you have to want it bad enough to get and stay clean....we are all here to support you and help you any way we can....and you have to want to do it for yourself...no one else....that's secondary....good luck and let us know how you are doing!  it will get better when you get clean!  everything will turn around for you