Battling the Insecurity Beast

[DeltaRedd1984]

My husband usually spends the weekends with me. My daughter still does not like him to spend the weekend but she is making concessions. I love being around my husband, he is sober and at times a real companion. Just like using, sobriety comes with its own set of problems.   When I need something repaired around our home, my husband is there to fix it. I should be shouting thank you from the roof tops.

However, to maintain his peace and sobriety, my husband has emotionally detached from me and our marriage. For the first time in his life, my husband has to deal with his emotions and problems without self-medicating. While I would love to get closer to him, he cannot deal with emotional intimacy at this present time. It has been well over a year and we do not have sex. He fears loosing himself to drugs and does not want to go back to that life ever again. He feels that having sexual relations and emotional intimacy with me at this point and time in his recovery will distract him from his goal which is to remain sober and ruin his peace of mind. Because I am working my own recovery program in Al-Anon I can understand his feelings. He is not at home and still is forced to live with his parents. In essence, my husband is a stranger in his own home. At times, he feels extremely ill at ease and then there are those times he feels right at home.

However, my husband and I are both waging war on different fronts. His is drugs and mine is doubt, insecurity and fear. When I give into my doubts and fears the insecurity beast attacks and is unrelenting.

On Sunday, I broke down in tears in the bathroom. My husband and I were watching a movie in bed and I reached out to touch him. I wanted him to comfort me and reassure me that our marriage would survive this test. Folks, right now, I am so insure about my own sexuality and the fear of the future that I could not enjoy the time my husband was spending with me this weekend.

I hate feeling needy and more importantly, I hate begging him for scraps of affection. I know logically, that my husband cannot fulfill my emotional needs right now. To be honest he has his hands full with just trying to stay sober each day. I complicate our relationship and our day together when I push him to give me more. Thank God for my Al-Anon sponsor, she was my life line this weekend. I talked to her several times this weekend.

At first, I could not identify the emotion I was feeling. Yes, it all leads back to the insecurity beast but she helped me to understand why the beast attacked me this weekend. My sponsor is a God send. She remained me that my husband is emotionally and mentally immature. He is still trying to figure out who he really is and that I need to remember to stay in the day – to enjoy and treasure the moments that I have with him.

When I live my life in today and let go of tomorrow worries I can keep the insecurity beast at bay.   I can enjoy the day and be happy. Today, I will not worry about tomorrow and will let tomorrow take care of its self.

Love you all,

~~Delta

[pillfree21]

I was really touched by your openess and honesty.  I also congratulate you on being a very strong and patient woman who obviously loves her family and is willing to sacrifice to keep it together.

As a male, I will say that going through withdrawals or trying to overcome addictions have had serious issues with my sexuality and relationships with my wife.  It is hard to explain and I am not trying to take up for your partner or make excuses, just sharing my perspective.  I had to sit down with my wife and just come clean and tell her that it was not her, but that my body was learning all over again and I needed some time to adjust.

In the meantime, (and I borrow that from Iyanla Van Zant) you must not lose focus on you and require your happiness as a person to come from him completely.   You have much more to offer and gain from loving yourself enough to love him at a distance, if that makes any sense.

I am not sure if he will ever quit, none of us are sure of whether we will really overcome our challenges, but it sure is good to know my wife has been there and is willing to still be here after all I put her through.  I promise myself all the time that when I really get there, I will never forget what she did for me and do my best to prove it. In the meantime, I do my best....and maybe that he is all he has right now.  Either way, I hope your find more love within and your issues work out.

[tryntogetwell]

Yor welcome! And just like sarah said you will have a very strong marriage!!!!

[dominosarah]

There is some real growth going on with the 2 of you right now and it is very nice to see.  You both are able to identify what you need to do and that is to take care of your own issues and work towards putting it together to bond a marriage again.  When it happens this marriage will be stronger than ever.  Keep it going Delta, one day at a time~~~~~sara

[DeltaRedd1984]

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I need to hear this.  

[tryntogetwell]

Wow! Your husband is very lucky to have you. Im sure he knows this too. Just remember to never give up. He will come around one of these days. And you will be there for him when he is ready. You are a vary supportive spouse and you will get rewarded for this soon. Im glad it is all working out for you and your family. Recovery is a long journey and well worth it in the end. Best wishes for you and your entire family.