Angry and sad....scared

[cc70]

I have (ok HAD) 13 (would have been 14 in March) years clean and sober....in all these years I have delivered 2 kids...had multiple surgeries...had several accidents and hospitalization and NEVER had a problem with short term pain medication. This last Injury back in AUgust was severe...was brought to the hospital in an amblulance when I crashed my bike in a triathlon. hooked up to morphine...give dilatid for 1 week...perks for the next week and then they put me on vicodines. for some reason i found myslef taking them when I was no longer in real pain....and was easily able to get the refills (I am a very successful business woman who has 2 wonderful girls and a great husband) I am now running out and feel that they have taken over....if I don't take anything I am irritable and cranky....I start getting w/d symptoms....I wondering how much is in my head and how much is real.....it has been since August of this year and I averge 3-8 pills per day....I have been trying to ween myslef....and have gotten to 3-4 a day but seem to have some discomfort if I go past 12 hours....I CAN NOT TELL MY HUSBAND....as wonderful as he is...he is not a week person and he is easily angred and also not forgiving...I just don't want him to knwo a thing (trust me it is much better that way!) My fear is that I will find it easier to go score illegal drugs than to get refills....if I can't handle with drawls.....and also have looked into subnoxe (or what ever that stuff is..it wasn;t around when I got off herion 13+ years ago...I did it cold turkey but in the walls of a treatment center) I do now know wht happens with suboxone....or what ever it is called...how does it effect my insurance? DOes my work find out??? I can not take time off and go to rehab....I also can't have my employment find out or my family....will I be very sick...or shodll I just do this cold turkey??? I am just affriad I am week .......and start to freek out after 12 hours...and know it will only get worse...ALso the family Doctor is a social freind of ours so I can not go to him to explain all of this. HELP SUGGESTIONS???????

[cc70]

OK just came from the doctors and creid the entire time I was in there...it was a "addiction" specialist doctor.....it was in a very seedy part of a city that is about 20 minutes from me....everyone in there was all strung out....here I came in all clean cut and felt like WTF am I doing here??? They took all my vitals, viales of blood, told them my deal and told them I was not there to go onto Suboxone program!!! The lady agreed and then I broke down crying....she told me I have to have someone know eitehr husband (totally out of the question) or a family member (not an opption) or good friend....well I have friends...but don't have anyone I can trust to tell them I am in this possition. I moved to this town 6 years ago and all my close friends are all out on the west coast. She told me I am going to need to be out of work for 2 days....I have all these committments (stress test with cardio, Parent teacher conf, 2 importnant business meetings...so I said I can't do this right now...she gave me colodine, and some otther detox meds and told me to take one less vic a day until I see her on Tuesday.....What is she going to do???/Shoot me up with Narcan??? why is she saying i will have to be out for 2 days? I told her my entire reason for coming is so I can go through w/d and maintain my work...I can't miss work. She said she would call my employer for me and tell them I have some gastro issue and have to take 2 days off.....she scared me away......I am still going to go...but what is she going to do??? I think I need to call her again......

[cc70]

Thank you guys for your support. We are exepcting a big ice storm here tonight through tomrrow AM and I am scared ******** that my Dr. Appointment will be cancelled.
She is an addiction specialist and I just hope she isn't some quack who will tell me to take some meletonin and try deep breathing...lol....Sorry but it may work for someone but not me. I went to day from 9 PM - until 12:30 PM wiht out anything....and was starting to have the watery eyes, soreness and bathroom run....Scary how fast it does it to me. I am down to 4 a day still....but it is the most drawn out slow version of detoxing...still makes me feel far from OK. I am hoping to get some advise and some short term medication that will help me take the edge off of this so I can beat this monster again. I also am thining about getting back to 12 step meetings.......they saved my life when I was a junkie.....now they maybe will save me happiness and sanity.
:-)

[907baby]

This is how I got clean and it was very easy (I even worked while going through it) I went the emergency room and told them I was withdrawaling off narcotics. Just be totally honest.  They gave me clonidine and librium.  Clonidine is a godsend! makes withdrawals bearable, almost a breeze.  Librium worked for sleep and anxiety, my advice is use it (they'll probly give you like 10)  use it sparingly you'll need it later on in your recovery. Seriously this will work.  You have it in you! I can tell!  You just need a little help.

[mtgoat911]

get back to your meetings, this happens all the time
have you read relaspe and recovery? its in the basic text
when i went through chemo last summer, i almost lost my recovery
but i shared about it so much with my network, they saved me
my docotor did recommend suboxone, i just said "been there, no thanks"
got through the chemo with ultram, hated that stuff
i also read "in times of illness" everytime i had the urge to use
while i was getting the ultram out of my system
please google "in times of illness"
it should help
xo

[cc70]

Thank you....I think you are right...my w/d from herion 14 years ago was one of the WORST expeinces of my life...it took me 2 weeks till I had a 6 hour sleep...my legs woudl cramp my eyes watered I threw up and crawling out my skin. One of my closest friends has been on Suboxne for 2 years and praises it.....but she is still on them...the more I read about that drug the more I see that is NOT the route I want to take. I am also scrared that if it goes on my insurance (Thank god I have great insurance) I will have a makred file that will be on there forever. I have a very clean record (medically as well as legally....I was truley blessed when I was a herion addict that I was one of the first people to go through what they call "drug court" and had a year of testing, rehab residential, outpatient follow up and meetings all time...and it was (besides the cold turkey kicking) loife saver and I was so diligent and serious that the judge after a year expunged 8 fellonies off my record.....I really was given a true clean slate and never looked back. I even became a counselor and worked in treatment for years. I can' t understand and how through 2 child births and 4 surgeries since then I never had a problem with takiing pain meds as prescribed...when they were done...I was done and no w/d (short term use as prescribed and needed) What happened this time??? I think b/c they had me on so many in the hospital for the last accident....morphine..then dilated...then percs...and then vicodine for 3 months that the turn from need became pure desire and depedancy. I also have always had a running script for cramps of Vicoprifin (same is Vicodone) which I only took for cramps for 2-3 days a month and also NEVER an issue) but when my vics ran out from the orthopedic.....I have renewd all my pills for my cramps that were to last me the year re all gone!!!! I am only on 4 a day now...after weening from 8 or more....but as of Tuesday night I will be all out....My Docotors aappointment is Wednesday.....Since I am so "presentable" I can usually easily obtainn more...but I just want to be done...becasue I have crossed the line!!!!
I Am wondering what they will give me to help with the withdrawls...but I think (ANY HELP FROM ANYONE HAVING BEEN TO AN ADDICTION SPECIALIST??? ) what they will give me...I know 3/4 of this is my head......I am so happy you are all on here and promiss to keep posting......It may not b much but just that little bit has caused my house to get disorgnized...my work to get sloppy and the addict thining of finding ways and means to get more....so sad so upset....how the mental part has taken over...even with all the recovery in my head....I think that makes it worse...because I cry ALL the time over the guilt and the fear.
Ok I am rambling and sorry.....just desparate and want to be myslef! Happy, workign loving mother of two gorgeous girls and a great husband (but not forgiving and understanding!)

[Mercedes175]

Good for you..please keep me posted on your progress. Its great you are seeing a  doctor on this.  You definitly have the support here...don't feel bad at meetings.  I actually don't think it is your fault if you were hurt and took the pills for legitmiate reasons.  At any rate..when I relapsed last year had the most tremendous support from my meetings. They are truly my second family.  

[cc70]

Thank you all for imput...I am just scared....and upset. I found an addiction specailist and have an appontment on Wednesday with her. NO SUBoxone (or what ever that stuff is) they said they do mostly holistic and also some medicine to help with symptoms. I will also get my *** back to meetings....just so hard to be humble when I used to be so serene and clean....I have to say I am just happy I have enough years of recovery behind me that I never really thought of going to score heroin or drinking or doing anything else...I just want to stop...and my taper has gone well..I don't feel any high and barley feel normal....so I guess that is what tapering is...thank you for your help and if I cna fugre out how to post right on this site...yikes,. I will keep this thread going with my updates....THANK YOU all so much and please pray for me.
Happy New Year....lets make it a good one. Now I have way too many resoluitions but this is #1 priority!!!!

[Mercedes175]

Hi, I think you can do this.  Tapering is the way to go that I have read and heard.  1/4 a pill (you can buy a pill cutter at the drugstore, ask the pharmacist if you can't find it yourself)...don't feel guilty fornot telling.however don't feel guilty if they found out and reacted badly. You didnt choose this problem.  Anyone and I mean ANYONE can get dependent on the pain killers once you stop. For me, I was only on Tramadols for 2 days at one time...bought them over the internet as I liked them so well when I was prescribed them earlier for a sore throat..like you..started to obsess and bought them over the internet w/my prescription was over.  Like you, I felt compltely guilty so flushed them after 2 days...did you know I STILL went though withdrawals.  Not as bad as I could now,..been on them now for 4 months..but did get the listnessness, no energy, flu like feeling.  The bottom line I believe withdrawal is as much a "side effect" as you making the problem.  Yes, you may have continued using them when you felt better but Im not so certain that makes you a monster.  You feel better when you take them.  Our minds tell us its ok..espeically if the prescription is still there.  Take "as needed".  I don't think you husband w/be any different should he ever be in situation needing pills for a length of time.

Anyway...taper..that way you can still work.  Take alittle less every week...then try extending the hours..etc.  You will only feel moderate uncomfortableness.  

As far as doctors, you can go google doctors in your area (internists) that support the sub.  But I feel you could do this w/ maybe clonidine and a good sleep aid for the first few weeks if that at all.

12 step programs are awesome.  Remember the source of that power?  God is not limited to certain drugs..anything He can get you through.  Start practicing those steps, get to meetings and don't be afraid.  Your dose is not as extreme as you think and you can do this.  BTW, it is normal after about 12hrs for me too...usually (for me) that is when I get up in mornings..but I think that is the worse part of it when you first start...but it gets better..your body adjusts.

[snowflake620]

Don't feel ashamed,everyone on this forum knows how you feel and we can all help you,with your dose c/t is probably the best route for you,it really is not that bad, alot of times we psych ourselves up to think it will be much worse than it really is,follow the thomas recipie and amino acid protocol and if anyone asks tell them you are coming down with the flu,no one will know unless you tellthem.good luck to you you can do this and we will help
snowflake

[Florida_Guy737]

Hey There....know exactly how you feel.  First...this board will help you along the way with support and very good advice...we've been there.  I know you have as well but with so many experiences here, you'll find different perspectives on how others coped and made it through...these unique experiences can definitely inspire you.

You sound like a strong individual who like many of us, don't want or didn't desire to change our lifestyle by stopping our 'routine' but knew we had too.

I tapered off patches/percs for 3.5 weeks, worked during the whole time, exercised, ate well, etc and almost a year clean now.  

This forum is what really kept me on track...

Good Luck,

Guy

[worried878]

perhaps u had a really bad experience the last time/years ago/ with wd?   ur dose is not gonna be awful to get off of especailly since u just really started back up "full time"  Do Not Be Afraid...people become afraid and dig themselves so much deeper than they need to go....trust the One above and make a plan, be it a taper or CT..i was at 80-100 mgs a day of hydro for 3-4 years/chronic pain patient....felt yucko for 3-4 days/have had worse flus than this....but i was so ready to be done and u r as well...this is not much Physical down time in the scheme of things..mentally the lethargy and mood swings were for a few months/but the physical symptoms, the runs etc were but a few days...DO Not Scare Urself into a deeper hole that u may have to dig out of..ur hole seems to be fairly shallow right now...be positive and the forum can help u get this done  (:

[road2recovery]

I sure can understand the scared, alone, and depressed...This forum helped me through so much..
Glad u will not go the sub route, Do u think you can possibly start going back to meeting??  Please don't feel embarrassed, this happens to alot that start with pain...you are no failure, LOOK how long you were clean....That is that weakness to me!!!

[cc70]

I was very active in 12 step program....went to meetings for years! Just the last 4-5 with kids new state, a job with lots of hours and what I thought was a handle on my addiction I stopped.
The funny thing is I have NO desire to go do "drugs" (street drugs) again...but fear if I cn't get refills for my prescription I will be stupid because the sad part is that it is easier to get illegal drugs than prescription refils! ..No way I ever want to go that route...my life is very normal...except for accidentally getting hooked on medicine that was prescribed to me. Is there a special type doctor I can go see about maybe another route? Other meds that can help me with PAWS? Colodine or what ever it is? Are there docotors to go to for that? Pain management doctors? Or what other things??? I have seen the Tomas recipe....I am sure that helps but I have to try to be as normal as possible to work and pretend it is all ok? It is just really depressing....I am crying all the time....just don't know how I got here again???? I am all alone....to embarrased to tell anyone...all my friends know me as this person who turned her life around???? Now I just feell like a week failure....with no one to talk to! The more I look at the Sub stuff...it looks like same as a methadone route which is not somethign I want to get on! I am just desparate and my supply has dwindled.....and I am scared depressed and alone

[road2recovery]

I agree with worried, i would not go the sub route...your dosage is not that extreme....I can understand not wanting to tell you husband if you feel you will get no support....I have a question:  I am over a yr clean, and seeing that you stayed clean for 13, may i ask what you did for aftercare??  I see a counsouler, who is also and addict, so she understands how i feel....But I still feel i need more....Thanks
r2r

[worried878]

have you googled suboxone and studied the drug?  also your current dose would have alot to do with that decision for me/if it were me..sub is another narcotic/expensive to get on but cheaper as a rule after the initial month...due to confidentiality your work should not find out about it..if your dose is not a high one i would think twice about getting on suboxone..good luck