Break the cycle

[happynessbythekilowatt]

So I have screwed up again and again. I guess I am just here to vent and chat, I am on day 2 of wds(painkillers), day 3 tomorrow. I have been doing a lot better this year though. I wd so much it just seems natural to me now. I take em for a few days, withdrawal for a few days then screw up again. I mean, I know what I gotta do, I know what is right, it is just so hard to break the cycle of a 3 year addiction.

Today I actually went on some bikerides and got a lot done. The withdrawals aren't really as intense anymore as they used to be. I don't go through hardly any physical pain. Day 1 I just sleep it away. When day 2 comes, I just feel crazy in the head, and I deal with the sweats , chills and hot /cold flashes. That lasts till day 4. Then after that it is just coping.

I even know what all of my triggers are. Boredom is the first step to relapse I guess. I make enough money from home to be rich but 50$-100$ a day on pills gets me know where but back to the start.

And I also know that I am never going to get anywhere if I keep taking them. It's like I feel like a retarded kid who knows better but keeps doing it anyways.

Most of the time I will only take them 3 times a week, 5 at a time, 10-15 in a day. And then some weeks I get carried away for a week.

I have seen much progress though. This time around I am going to keep busy. My mind just tries to make me think that I need them to stay busy and motivated, it's really horrible.

But slowly but surely I am trying to learn how to live life again without them. It is just a long process I suppose.

I have noticed that when I make goals, it actually works. Like this year was my first sober xmas in 3 years. I made a goal 3 weeks before that to stay clean until xmas so I can be sober around my family who knows about my problem. I relapsed the next day because I was bored and lonely. I went to get 10 lortabs and then ate 5 and went to eat at big boys by myself. Pathetic.

So now I am going to keep at these goals and keep making more. Even if it is just to make it by a week at a time. Baby steps. I am going to start hitting up NA  few times a week as well. Talking about my problem gets me by for the day and makes me feel better.

So, let's chat if you are on. Or just post your troubles, opinions, anything. I will be here.

[happynessbythekilowatt]

You are telling me. Heh. I have to pull through this time, there is no excuse for failure. I am actually going to take out my bike and go on a ride to a local na meeting at 8 tonight. Thanks for the support as always.

[avisg]

WD really should not become the normal thing .. You can get beyond that with recovery care as long as it consistent if not you most likely will continue to relapse and you dont want to continue that .I know we read relapse in normal and it happens but if  treatment is completely in place relapse wont be nominal .You can make it long term without relapse just make sure you have all the support you need in place ...you know we are here

[happynessbythekilowatt]

Wow, congrats on your 55 days! I bet you feel great huh? I am actually feeling okay today other than the chills. The sweats are gone though. I am actually going to finally take this advice and start going to NA.

Violet29: Sorry I ended up going to bed by the time ya posted.

Thanks a bunch.

[violet29]

Hi, I am online if you want to chat :)

I have recently relapsed also... congrats on taking it day by day.  Stay strong.

Vi

[Trying_hard19]

About the only thing I can recommend to you is Narcotics Anonymous.  I am going 5x a week and I am clean.. 55 days today ..

Without it, I know I would be using again. Going to NA almost daily keeps my mind feeling strong.. The addiction slowly beats it down and going to NA picks it back up ..

If someone told me 2 months ago that I would be going to NA 5 times a week.. (or more) .. I would not have believed it .. but to get clean, you have to be willing to do anything at all..

I can tell you that after the first week, its not work anymore. There are people I look forward to seeing and hearing from.

Good luck.