All right, I'm puttin' this here, if for no other reason than to help someone else who may be going through something similar.

[Jacqui805]

O.k., a few of you know this now, but I'll put this here for whomever else feels like this.  I'm enjoying life, and livin' large everyday.  I'm happy, appreciative of all that I have, take what I can from every moment, and laugh everyday.  That being said, I also deal with pain 24/7.  It's always a struggle, but for the past two or so weeks, it's been a lot worse.  I'm having some health issues, won't go there, not the point, so I am having some diagnostic stuff done.  Point is, although all that wonderful stuff is true, even now, it IS a constant struggle..one I can only fully express with analogies it seems.  I'm diggin' the cake, but can't eat anymore even though I'd like another piece, unless I puke first...maybe that's a bad example, but you get where I'm going?  Runnin' a race, winning, on the last tenth of the mile, smilin' ear to ear, feelin' kick-a$$, except that I know I couldn't go another mile no matter how much I want to unless someone gives me a lift. It is literally like two computers are runnin' in my head at all times....feelin' superb mentally on screen one....feelin' like poop physically on screen two and struggling hard to keep my head on the first one only.  It makes me feel weak to not be able to just push it away mentally, and it frustrates me that I can be havin' such a blast, but can't just bask in that glow because I have to make decisions every nanosecond about what to do to keep from hittin' the floor with pain.  It makes me angry, 'cause my life's super now, and I feel like no one deserves to feel like this, and certainly not for 24 hours a day.  Of course, some days are better than others, even some hours of some days are better than others, so I know I'll live....just hugely frustrated.  Now, I don't expect anyone to have any magic answers, and I'm not putting this here for a pity party or anything....Just wanted to get it out, as it is tiring and exasperating to say the least....and for me, when I'm dealing with something, it usually helps me to know that I'm not the only one.......so maybe, if one or more of you can relate..........you'll feel like you're not the only one.

[newgirl2708]

I love Young Frankenstein!!!!

[Jacqui805]

Newgirl, someone may need to hand it to me after y'all get done with that baseball bat....I'll take what I can get.  Try not to pick Abby Normal's brain though.  (get it?)

Lucyred, & Newgirl,

Thank you for the prayers ladies, Lord knows I need 'em right now.  I can only do so much.

[newgirl2708]

Thank You.
In Him,
Newgirl

[lucyred68]

Lord, i lift my sister Jacqui to You. I pray that You release her froom this constant pain.  Heal her body, and set her free.  You made her, and You know exactly what is wrong.  Pleas remake those parts that are causing her pain, and encourage her.  Help her to sleep well tonight and to wake up pain free tommorrow.  In Jesus name, amen

Love ya sis,   Lucy

[newgirl2708]

You might find it after the baseball bats get done.
;)

[Jacqui805]

You are so sweet.....and you made me laugh about the pitchforks and baseball bats.  : )
Ya know, I love helping others, and am so happy people post here, and yet, I had the hardest time putting all this down here.  I hovered my finger over the submit button for quite a bit before I hit it, and after I did, was like, "Oh cr*p, I hope I don't regret that".  Maybe it's a mother, nurse thing.  I have no idea.  Perhaps I've simply lost my mind.  That's ok if I did, I'll either find it again, or I'll pick one up off the road.  

[JeremysMom07]

Thank you all for writing on this... Ive been having the same thoughts, & also dealing with chronic pain. Its a daily struggle to survive, without the help of pain meds, its a lot harder. Ive learned this the hard way & am now trying to find a way to get through it & live my life. Im tired of having to depend on a pill to make me feel okay... Although I look at people and wonder how THEY can deal with their pain, without being like I am (in bed & miserable 24/7) & lead normal lives.... I dont get it...
Its so hard, and Im so glad to read this... I hate that were all in pain, but at least theres somewhere to go & talk about it & help others with our own experiences & support!

[newgirl2708]

I so appreciate all that you do. You're support and encouragement is very important. You are very knowledgable and I can turn to you for answers. Thank you for that. You are always upbeat and or possitive, even when going through your valleys you look at the bright side of things...so...
Besides, while I was typing this, all of our friends here on the forum have been gathering pitchforks and baseball bats to go beat you about the head to convince you to let us support you. I was only a ruse to keep you occupied ;)
Chins up Girl!!!
newgirl

[GoingToMakeIt]

Jacqui, because of your zeal for life, I want to take the pain away so you can enjoy it to the fullest. Pain is never fun, but you are! :)
Never feel that you have to keep silent about your pain and difficulties. Haven't you found that when you are helping someone with their pain or troubles, that your own pain and troubles are helped? You have helped so many here. Let us help you too.

[Jacqui805]

Thank God for you all....I don't know why I sweat puttin' stuff down when I'm havin' trouble, but I do.  You all make me feel like it's ok to not be fully on everyday and ok to say I need help.  I appreciate it more than you all could know.  Thanks.

[worried878]

I have never met you but I imagine you as a very peaceful person...I am sorry that you have the chronic pain....no one deserves it....but you are a strong person as I remember when I first started posting you were having such a difficult time...and you came out of it..I do remember that

[GoingToMakeIt]

I am always rooting for you! Jacqui, you are something wonderful.

[Jacqui805]

Thanks for your support guys, I need it today.

[corey411]

I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. I can't believe what a wonderful positive attitude you have. I did not use for physical pain and can't imagine what I would do if I had the pain component also. I will say a prayer for you . Corey

[10356]

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad........

[confused456]

AWWWWWW!!!!!!!

I love you sooooo much, but you know that!!!!

You are my beotch!! LOL

OK, so ur my homey!!

I love you and you had best get your butt better, or I may have to kick it!!

[Jacqui805]

Right back at ya babe.... I feel more than fortunate to have met you in the first place, not to mention realizing I had an unknown twin all along.  You are my best friend, and I look forward everyday to the day we hook up and have a blast.  

Love ya homey....love ya tons  : )

[confused456]

JACQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII


I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nuredshuz]

That physical dependancy is something that completely blows me away!! I have never experienced anything like that before.  Im 43 and I grew up in the late 70s and early 80s I always liked to party with the regular stuff that kids used then, (pot, beer, ludes and the like) I am so stunned by the physical dependancy that these pills have created in my life.  I have been married and raising kids for the last 15 years.  So not alot of "partying" going on here! For me that physical dependancy adds a whole new dimention to this cycle.  I sometimes feel like an a$$ for letting myself get into this situation.  But the drs say its ok and when the time comes they'll wean me off like they weaned me on.  It is a scary thing, though. Another thing about this cycle is the tolerance that you build without even trying to.  I think thats when I "abuse" ~ it seems I need more to releive the pain, but then I am caught up in a bad situation! I try to be a pretty positive person and I usually am a happy person and like to be high just from life.  It does totally stink that I simply cannot do the physical things that I used to be able to do, cuz I used to be very active not much of a slacker!! Cronic pain definately blows!!! But there will be better days ahead :)

[Jacqui805]

I suppose I found my balance because I did not become addicted to the med I was on, just extremely dependent on it physically, and probably psychologically too.  I am having more tests every week, which are revealing clues as to why I'm suffering with this, and the pain is associated with a cough and breathing difficulty, as well as some heart issues.  I feel no doubt that help is around the corner, it's just hangin' on when you're on those tougher days that can be a real, real struggle.  Like you, it's made worse when I can't do something I desperately want to, because of how I feel.  That happened today.  I appreciate your support, as well as everyone's...I guess it's hard to admit I can't take on everything, everyday, all the time without help sometimes, you know.  I'm glad to have you all.

[bobby139]

Great post hun...I can relate also..it is terriable to be in pain all the time and hard to be thankfull for what we do have..like get togathers, i want to go to them so bad but it is so hard to sit and talk with people because your paying more attention into trying to hide the pain and be "normal" then you look around and wonder what it feels like to feel good like the others cuase you cant remember but then you think are all of them feeling fine or are some like me just trying to survive....but you have to remember to never feel bad when you need to vent because no matter how bad or little a persons problem is it is their life and their problem so it is big to them..
keep hangin in,
bobby

[Jacqui805]

Thanks ladies.  I know I'll get through this, as I want to first off, and am otherwise doing right on.  It's hard for me to admit defeat, even temporary defeat, as I am always the one hangin' in a situation after everyone's given up, tryin' to meet whatever the task is one more time.  Fishing yesterday may have made things worse for me, not sure, but I wouldn't have given up the day for anything.  I truly had a blast and did not want to come home.  Everyone was done at one point, and I refused to give in.  I tried some different things other than what we had been doing, while everyone patiently waited for me to declare it was a done deal and get it out of my system.  So, after feeling like I had tried everything, I was content in the knowledge that I had given it some serious effort, and thoroughly enjoyed the day, and was ready to go home.  I'm not throwin' in the towel on this pain thing here, just seriously not sure what to try right now to just even be..it's hard to even be, right now.  

[nuredshuz]

Hey there, I can relate to your story.  I have cronic pain. MRIs show the drs why I have pain and they give me pain med.  I also have an addictive personality (I get in the ugly cycle of abusing my meds) You seem to have found a balance although you suffer physically ~ I have a hard time finding a balance for me.  It is a tough place to be ~ living in pain 24/7 stinks and so does taking too many pain pills.  I like my self and my life alot more when I am free from the cloud of pill fog.  But then I get bummed cuz Im in pain and cant do stuff.  ~ Its a poopy cycle and I just wanted to give a little support your way and tell ya I too can relate to this cycle.  I hope you have a GREAT rest of the day and an even better tomorrow!!! ~ peace :)

[SableZen]

A person can't win every day. I've had my days where I couldn't see the light of tomorrow. Forgot a tomorrow could even exist that was worth looking forward too. Even though our situations are very different - I've been to that place we all seem to go to when things are bad and reading your words brings the recent memory of it is so close. But like you said, those days will return - they really always do. My thoughts and prayers are with you Jacqui.