Cant sleep.

[heathag]

Another sleepless night for me. Its getting old. I know the bible says God wont give you more than u can handle but Im not so sure i can stand on that right now. Its tough enough to try and not do drugs its even harder when you see your friends husband die one day and the next day you see your grandma go. I know that both are in a better place but im so stressed worrying about my family and friend. My family was a mess at the funeral and they are in michigan and im way down south so i had to leave them after a week of being with them. It hurt to leave. And now that im back home im dealing with my friend who has about nobody to talk to. I cant handle all this and all i want to do  is get high. I feel like everyday is a test and so far i passed but there is only so much i can handle. Death is what drove me to drugs in the first place. And all around me people are dying. I was able to see my aunt who lives in texas for the first time since she started chemo and she didnt look good at all. Im trying so hard to stay strong in my faith but i feel like God is not helping me at all i feel like im holding on and im ready to let go!

[heathag]

I know that there both in a better place and neither one is suffering anymore. It was just hard to stand by and watch. And then seeing how much it afected my family was rough too. I live so far from them i worry that there not dealing well. While i was with them i read scripture for them and prayed the whole time. I had to be the strong one and now that im back home and alone i feel so week. I pray everynight for the Lord to take all my cares in worrys because i know there is nothing i can do to make things better its just hard to trust that he's taking care of things. Im a new christan so somethings are hard for me to trust and belivave. I really want to but situations in life make that difficult for me. I really appriciate the prayers Lord knows i need as many as possible. And i cant be mad at God for this its life and it happens i just have a few questions for him tho that i feel nobody can answer. Like why strong christans suffer why wont God take away the pain and heal them? Why does it hurt so much when loved ones leave us when there in a better place? I guess im being selfish for wishing them back here???

[heathag]

Thanks Sarah and i know your right only time can heal. I just wish i could sleep. I feel like a walking zombie just going threw the motions. I went and got some vitamin sleep aid. Valerian Root... i hope that helps tonight i havent been sleeping well at all for the last month i know part of it was withdraws but i think now after 30 some days its just stress.

[gnarly_1]

HI please try not to grow bitter towards God ....I did and it dosent change a thing other then your bitter inside......I know its hard to watch those we love and care about dye but if your a Christian death is no more then a doorway to the other side I agree with Sara there is no pill in the world that will make you feel better this is something each of us does in our own way its called grieving our God loves you and he wants whats best it was the fall in the garden with Adam that brought all this misery to the world not God we have redemption threw Jesus Christ he has paid for all are sins and will walk beside you in your time of need please dont choose to go back to the pills there satins tools to bring us down and separate us from God....life is not fair we all have times where that is true but dont blame God pull close to him read ephesians 1 it will let you know who you are in Christ its a good read I will pray for you......Gnarly

[dominosarah]

Hi heathag.  You know there isnt a drug in this world that will numb the pain we feel from death, it just adds more misery to the situation.  None of us like to feel pain on this level but walking thru it is the only way to go.  We got so used to walking around anything that made us uncomfortable.  You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.  I know you can and will get thru this.  Keep talking with us~~~sara

[Letitgonow]

For sure,

Good luck to you, keep posting here! You'll probably have quite a few more responses in a few hours too :)

Silly as it is, it's helped me to write a journal on here and post every day.

You sound like a kindred spirit -- I really wish you the best of luck. Stay in touch here!

[heathag]

Congrats to you on 15 days :) Im in the same boat as you i have quit probably 3 times out of 13yrs of doing drugs. It never mattered to me what it was as long as i wasnt sober and didnt have to deal with life. And the 2 times i  quit was for somebody else never for myself. This time im doing it for me! I joined in i think 08 i will leave for a while when im not doing good and always end up back on here for support. I love this site! I have to agree with you on the dealing with greif instead of numbing. Numbing only last so long with a little and then it ends up being alot and then alot does nothing either so then ur feeding a habit that does no good at all. And again Thanks So Much for being on here and lifting up my spirit :) I really do appriciate it. Be blessed.

[Letitgonow]

You're so welcome.

I really admire your courage for really thinking this through. Seriously, that shows a lot of strength -- even more so with what you're going through in life.

You sound like your heart and mind are in the right place, but are dealing with some incredible suffering.

Today is my 15th day clean, I joined here on day one and have leaned on so many people in this community -- not sure I could have done it without their kind words and help. I've quit and relapsed so many times throughout my life that I'm just tired of it... it's time to move on and even this cycle.

I hope you can find your path to a better life too. For myself, I just know deep down now, after years of abuse, that pills aren't the answer. I'd rather deal with grief than continually numb myself to it -- never learning the most important lessons in life from these experiences.

God bless you and stay strong!

[heathag]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I needed to hear that because i sure dont feel strong right now. I know going back to drugs will either kill me or i will winde up in jail and i dont want either. I know that drugs only take the pain away for a min. I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times with drugs not so easy those good ones keep poping up in my mind. I know Grandma is looking down on me and it would break her heart to know that i was even thinking about that because she's not here. Uggh this just ***** so much.

[Letitgonow]

Perhaps this is your test... to prove to yourself and God that you can embrace life including the genuine pains and the real joys.

I'm so sorry for your losses, enduring that with the temptation of using has overwhelmed so many of us at different points in our lives. You're a really strong person for even taking the time to reflect and post about this before using... that takes real courage.

Please stay strong and true... follow your heart and mind, not your addiction.

I will wish upon you better days in the near future.

Stay true