Here goes..everything!

[APB_for_the_old_me]

This is not so much a question as it is a confession.  I guess I'm posting in the right place.  I just feel like it may be a bit long, but its now or never. I've been lurking on this site for awhile and I love the support that people get and the advice is awesome.  The reason I am posting is due to a little green devil pill called Oxycodone.  I am taking about 90 mg a day and surprise, surprise, its taking more and more.  Its been going on for about a year and a half.  My mom gets 100 a month.  Now here comes the really awful part and I know how bad it is and ask that you guys not judge me too harshly, because I promise you, it can't be any worse than what I do to myself.  And I deserve it. She started out getting sixty and when I started taking all of those, they upped her to 90, and now to 100.  They make her very sick, so she rarely takes them, and I guess that's how I've been justifying  taking them. One of the ways. I started on the party wagon at the young age of 13.  Mom was an alcoholic, was in and out of my life in my younger years partying hard herself, no dad in the picture (alcoholic too and both of HIS parents the same), just several stepdads along the way.  Yada yada, everyone has their baggage, and I promise I am not writing this in the hopes of getting sympathy, because I know some people have it so much worse, and find other ways to cope, I'm just trying to give a little backstory to my addictive personality. Anyhoo, we used to play drinking games at my house with my mom, she was the "cool" parent. She had serious issues.  She'd get drunk, talk about suicide and shoot a hole through the window just for dramatics. I pretty much just stuck to booze, mainly beer, until I was 17. Weekends=drinking,period. If you weren't drinking, you weren't having fun.   Started experimenting with other drugs, dated one of the biggest pot dealers in the town I grew up in, although I never really cared for pot.  Not that I didn't smoke my share, but not my favorite.  Done a little acid, not too much, coke and along came crystal meth.  Oh boy.  That one stuck.  I didn't get all strung out, lose my teeth, trade sex for it or anything crazy.  I did that one on and off until about 6 years ago.  I was ok, though, because I was functioning on it.  Held a job, paid my bills, no WAY was it an issue, because I was HANDILING it.  ha. Ok, so fast forward to today.  I have a wonderful husband, 3 gorgeous, healthy children, a job that I love, and yet it still isn't enough.  I cannot just BE.  Now, being 40, the partying scene has no appeal to me.  Still like to have a good tiime, though.  The man I married is quite the opposite of me, an introvert, but I love him SO much.  We separated 3 times before we got married and the first time was because of pills. He knows all about my history, I was upfront about everything, and he even used to give me pills here and there when we first started dating, but then when he realized exactly how much I liked them and how many I was taking, all that stopped.   He was raised the COMPLETE opposite of me, in church, loving close family.  He's happy just doing the basic things in life, where I am more outgoing and feel like I am missing out on things all the time.  Like I'm not living my life to the fullest, which I am surely not, now.  Anyhoo, so he left and I immediately stopped taking the pills.  Don't even remember it being  a deal no withdrawals.  Or maybe I couldn't tell cuz I was so damned depressed and shocked.  I was determined to get fit and get revenge, for I felt he wasn't justified in leaving me over pills, and lying about said pills.  Remember, I don't have a problem, right?  Well I stayed off them for awhile until around last May. We got back together and pills were the farthest thing from my mind.  I started getting so bored with my life, wondering if I made the right choice marrying him. Could I be happy sitting home all the time, never trying new adventures?  Man, this is getting long, but I feel better already getting it OUT to someone.  Anyway, mom gave me some of her pills and they were awesome.  I'd had percocet before but these badboys were awesome.  You want to sit at home and watch Netflix all weekend, honey?  SURE.  I'm all warm and fuzzy and everything is right with the world, so you bet.  Damn some adventures.  Lets call in some food too, cuz I SHO love to eat on the pills.  I'm gonna do better tomorrow.  So I have gained 40 pounds in a year, everyday I say today is the day I'm going to do better, I'm going to reclaim my life.  Every f**king day I find some stupid *** excuse to take more.  Until they're gone.  I have NO sex drive, which I didn't have much of one before the pills but they have killed what was left of it.  Its not fair to my man. My mom is of course worried.  She's seen me quit so many other things, smoking cigs, meth, that she says she knows I will quit before it gets too bad.  I've told her before to be firm with me, tell me NO if I ask, and she says she can't.  I CANNOT TELL MY HUSBAND. He will most definitely leave me and I love him and I know I can be happy again, if I lose this weight and get this junk out of my system.  How will I stay off of them.  Did I mention my mom lives right down the street.  I have got to find a way to do this on my own.  I know a lot of people go to meetings and such but I can't do that.  We live in a small town and my kids and I would be ruined if people found out about my dirty little secret.  I'm scared to death just typing this, hoping no one will see.  I would say taking my moms pills when she needs them is pretty much rock bottom.  So what do you got for me folks?  If I still have anybody reading?!  I know about the good old withdrawals, which are HELL but I am ready to start.  She has pills left and I WILL NOT DO this again this month to my poor mom.  Its just like something else takes over completely.  I hate feeling so out of control.  And I know my hubs has got to be suspecting something.  The same time every month, I feel like death, start drinking more after work than I did, can't effin sleep. But around that 5th day, when music starts sounding so damn good again, and I'm teary eyed from a song. (or from an animal rescue commercial on tv, or a tree getting cut down ; it doesn't take much for me then..lol, I have hope.  TV is better, I'm not just staring at it in a dumb stupor, zombified on FB while watching something.  My feelings are trying to peek through, and then I find myself thinking tooooo much and I don't like what's all in my head.  Guilt, guilt and more guilt, every damn little bad thing I've ever done in my life comes flooding in.  And I want to quit this time and not turn to beer everynight.  I just want to be happy in my own skin.  Or when somethings funny and I feel like I'm really laughing, not just going through the motions like the guy in Click.  I WANT that.  So, I have Tyrosine, Restless Legs, a few Ambien the doc wrote me because its the ONLY thing that will even get me a couple hours sleep.  Anything new?  Oh, I take Lexapro daily, as well.  I got an audiobook yesterday about addiction that I will start soon.  It ***** doing everything in secret, but I got myself into this mess, I will get out of it.  I feel like I'm forgetting something, but this is enough for now.  my first post is a book, sorry guys and thanks for letting me get my secret out to someone.  I just took my last one about an hour ago.  Wish me luck.  






















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[dominosarah]

You are going to have to put that pride aside, tell your secret and get some aftercare.  This is a "we" thing, not an "i" thing.  Doing things your way got you here in the first place.

[glassguy]

Yes it will take time!!! But I really have faith in you. So you go girl worrie about yourself 1 ST a BIG prayer for you today!!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) see I told you alot of very careing people on your side....

[keith600]

I  think that the most damaging words you use is "secret" and the word you don't use"aftercare".Two words that are absolutely essential in getting and staying clean. One can kill ya and the other can keep you clean.

[lene54]

I don't feel qualified to help you with your addiction.  I did read your story, and I just wanted to tell you that I haven't read any that put their story out there anymore than you.  It told me that you are ready for a change.  From one southern to another, I'm praying for you to be successful with this.  It will not be easy, but you will have the support of so many in this community, and hopefully, your family.  

[lulu747]

Ahhh I see.  Yes it is common on this site (and in real life support groups) for people to express telling their secrets by saying their loved ones will leave them, when really they're just scared if they tell then they will actually HAVE to come clean.
You need to.  It's time.  Addiction is a progressive disease and things will only get worse.  We're throwing you a life raft- I hope you get on and start paddling towards freedom before it's too late.
Seriously girl- we will support you.  I believe you can do this.
But YOU have to believe you can do this.
It's a choice.
xo
Lu

[APB_for_the_old_me]

Wow. I cannot tell y'all (spoiler alert, I'm southern!) how much it means to log in and see all these comments. And not just " good luck, you can do this" comments but heartfelt, thought out comments.  And I get it. Lu, I think maybe my husband would understand and that I may have conveyed that the wrong way. He knew last time that my mom was my supplier (God that sounds horrible) and threatened to turn her in to pain management. If I'm really going to be honest with myself maybe I don't want him to know so he won't be " on my trail" in case this doesn't work?  And Jynx, you definitely have somehing with the therapist. I'm a prideful b*tch and I know I've got to lose that foolishness if I am going to make this. THANK YOU times a million to each of you for taking time for me. Congrats LadySailor for 30 days. Can't WAIT to be there. I rarely wish for time to pass by any faster now that I'm older, but I wish I could hit the FF button on this one.

[motye51]

Well i read your story and am totally amazed, still to this day, how much life experiences addicts have in commen. It sounds like you've finally come to a point where your ready, but you've put some pretty serious road blocks in front of you??? I know your scared but to get better you can't keep hiding! I live in a smalk town and everyone knows everyone. I own a business in that town and have 4 children so i am well acquainted with my community. I go to N/A 4xs a week in a neighboring town. You must pick up some form of aftercare!!!
As far as your husband is concerned....this is a sticky one. I dont see how u can w/d from this and not tell your husband? Whats even funnier is we think were hiding this addiction from our loved ones and were really not! When i told my family that i was quitting, THEY ALL ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING! Our loved ones arent stupid.
Just remember, we all have stories of woe and we can all use it to keep us sick...but we dont HAVE to.

[Jinx_777]

i think you can get clean on your own, but your chances of staying clean are slim given your history.
at the very least you need to see a therapist.  hopefully one that deals with addiction.  surely there is no stigma against seeing a therapist.  
you have core issues and genetics that you cannot fight through on your own. you have tried that for about 26 yrs or so.  
even if you do not want to seek out an na or aa meeting (which you could go to another town) then at least seek counseling.  cognitive behavioral therapy to be exact.
your story is many of our stories.  

[Gettingalifeagain]

There are no new sins in this......I too took Percocets from my 93 yr old mother who desperately needed them.  After she found out, she cancelled her script.  She would rather take the pain, than have me tempted to take the pills...you are not alone with your botton, just wanted you to know...but that is behind you, and your past will keep you sick.  Look out for today, and keep thinking of the beautiful blessings and rewards that sobriety will bring you...

[LadySailor86]

You are telling my story. I dabbled in oxy and got sucked in. My first post on here a month ago was " I'm ashamed and humiliated". I decimated our finances. I can't type it all out again just too painful. Today I'm 30 days clean. Was it easy. Nope.  I still have a ways to go. But I do meetings and have an amazing family. That first week is physically hard.high doses of immodium, restless leg from hylands and tons of banasas and this site pulled me thru it. It wasn't as bad as I had built up in my head. You can do it if you want it. Get thru an hour at a time and keep posting. Folks like Ibkleen, gnarly, weaver, lu and Vic will reach out and you will see how much support means to u. There are angels on medhelp and if you keep posting and lettin folks love you thru this, we will.

[lulu747]

There is nothing dirty or shameful or wrong about you.  You suffer from a very human disease called addiction and you are in good company.  You can't change the past or control the future but you can CHOOSE to do whatever you want in this moment right now.  I would choose life if I were you.  Your story makes me feel sad because you are living without any joy.  But joy can be yours.  I'm not gonna lie or sugar coat it- it's hard f-ing work.  It will have it's fair share of ups and downs and sorrows.  But if you don't learn to live life on life's terms you won't have a life left to live.  You only get this one life and it is up to YOU and YOU only what you make of it.
No one does this alone.  No one.  I understand the small town thing but I'm guessing you'd be surprised at who you see at those meetings.  If you aren't ready to take that step yet I'd suggest some online meetings to start.  Hopefully they will help build your confidence to step into a real room.
And honestly?  If you come clean with your husband and get clean and he leaves you, then that's his issue.  Do you really want to be with someone that won't stand by you while you fight for your life?  I wouldn't. Marriage is for better or for worse.  If he cannot understand or at least try to understand where you are coming from, then I would re-think this thing.  I'm not saying he isn't entitled to feel angry and hurt by your lies and betrayal.  But if you are truly, truly repentant and serious about your recovery and work a program and he still leaves...It's his loss.
This is me brutally honest at 2 in the morning awake in terrible pain.  There are great support networks for those that are loved ones of addicts.  Nar-Anon and Al-anon.  Maybe he will learn some things about himself as well.  The thing that I'm sure you know given your history is that it isn't only the addict that is sick.  It is the co-dependent living in the relationship that is also sick.
I've been on both sides of the coin and the work I had to do on myself to change both behaviours was equally important.
I hope I haven't scared you off.  I mean to give you guidance and support because you are not a bad person.  You are a sick person.  And all sick people need and deserve support in order to heal.
This is entirely up to you and we will be the loudest cheering section you've ever heard.
Welcome to our MH family.  I hope you stick around and let us support you on the road to reclaiming your life and your authentic self.
Bless...
Lu

[Sweetness91]

Ahhh...if you only knew how many ppl have been right where you are...
But the thing is, you said it all...you really did. And just from reading what you said, I know that you realize what's going on and what you have to do..what you NEED to do! It's just a matter of doing what needs to be done at this point. Sobriety isn't easy, take my word for it. If it were, there wouldn't be ppl struggling every day to control their addictions. It's something you work for. Something you strive for. And honestly, it's not something that can be done secretly. I thought it could...Ohhh for months and months I thought it could..because I'm strong..and I'm PROUD. And nobody needs to know my dirty little secret...but ya know what...rarely does anyone get through anything alone. It takes support, and effort and surrendering. You have done the hardest part, recognizing that you are there...you're an addict...and you need help. There's nothing wrong with that. But now...well now you have to do something about it. And I know you will. You've come to the best, and I do mean BEST place for guidance and support. Keep posting here and we can help get you where you need to be. I wish you the best of luck and God Bless you!!

[ChasingFreedom]

You sound so much like me.  Standing up and taking responsibility for where you are right now is a BIG first step.  Accountability is something we all have to face in order to grow in self.  The thing I keep telling myself is, "Absolutely No One can do this for you."  The only way I'm ever going to get to a life where I'm Free from these f**ing pills is that I was the one who was going to have to put in the hard work.  Yah, it REALLY sux but withdrawals dont last forever.  It's one really tough week and then you start feeling better and more human every day after.  You pretty much have to retrain yourself to break old habits.  I used to keep a clean washcloth on my bathroom counter.  I would stash my pills in between the folds so no one would see them and they were easily accessible without rattling a pill bottle every time I stepped into the bathroom.   These folded washcloths were a permanent fixture on my bathroom counter for years.  When I finally woke up and stopped poisoning myself with narcotics every day I vowed to remove the washcloth that represented the highlight of my days.  Stupid, I know.  But the simple act of removing it from my sight helped me to retrain my thinking and broke up the routine of me slipping into the bathroom for another dose.  Try changing up your "pill" routine to help you overcome some of the mental aspects of WD.  You know you want this.  You CAN defeat this.  You owe it to yourself to feel Brand New.

[61chevy]

Just want to send u encouragement.   U can do this.  There will b some great advice coming your way from some great people soon.   Not sure how u can detox privately when u have a family.   Flu bug?  But I would suspect ur husband knows.  If he knows u want off, would he support u thru the process?  This group here will b very supportive.   Keep us informed of ur progress.   Epsom salt baths have become my 2nd home.

[glassguy]

Oh yeah you are right the MH family is the best read all the advice and use it as much as you can.alot of gr8 people on here!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) YOU CAN DO IT

[glassguy]

Well you got all my attention with that book. No but really it's all about how bad you want it.it sounds like you are done with having something controlling your life.although it sounds like you have had something controlling your life for a very long time.not to be harsh!!!!!so what you have to do is some serious soul searching.when we all have been on some kind of substance for a long time we cant get use to what is normal.we want life to always be fun.and we know that its not like that.am I making and sence?I what I am saying is if you really want something bad enough you will find away to do it so just be super strong and go for it!!!!Lets see how you are in a couple of days.I have faith in you!!!! Keep posting and reading our posts someone else will weigh in on this. I hope I caught your attention and I made some kind of sence GOOD LUCK. I will be watching for you posts!!!! all my prayers!!!!!