PLEASE help! I need some information before I take my next step.

[ihatescreennames]

hey everyone I have a question, I am currently taking at least 4 24mg hydromorph Cotin pills a day. Crushed up and sniffed. Need at least 1 just to get out of bed in the morning. Then have to use threw out the day just so I dont start to feel like crap. I no longer take these to feel a buzz. I take them so I am not violently ill with the worst w/d 's I have ever had in my life. In my teens I experimented. After I had my girls I did NO DRUGS what so ever, didnt drink, honestly I couldn't understand how people could fall into addiction and not be able to help themselves. Now look at me right? ahah maybe its my karma for being such a judgmental *****. Started off my eating a couple perks. I had severe stomach pain that none of the docs or OBGYN's were helping me with. Quickly that became more than a few up to about 10 a day and instead of orally i would crush and snort. From there I went to Morphine 30mg tablets. Didn't like them so much. then to daulidid 8mg breakthrew pills. at the very least 5 a day. After I was introduced to the hydro-morphine Cotin it got really bad really quick.... Long story short, circumstances have changed. I will no longer be able to keep myself medicated. This has been ruining my life for quite some time now, and I think maybe it's a blessing in disguise and is going to give my that extra push I need to get help. I have been contemplating going to the methadone clinic for a long time now. Im scared. Im worried about  how I will feel while my dose is being stabilized. im worried about becoming tolerant to this as well and just having a new battle to deal with. I am prepared to use methadone for a long period of time, if that is whats best for me....But i need something to help me pick up the pieces and get my life back together. Being sick is not an option as ashamed as I am to say this I have 2 young children that need me to be able to function on a daily basis. I have no help, so even being sick for a day is a huge deal. idk exactly what I should do I know this is an old thread just looking for someone to talk to and get some support since I cant find it elsewhere.

[BearsFan1966]

I am so PROUD of you! You can do this! Your girls deserve their mom back! I wasted 10 years of my 15 year old sons life being on pills! If you need me I am here for you! Get some Epsom salts for hot baths this will help also!

[ihatescreennames]

Iv'e made the decision that the only way to really do this and reclaim my life is to just face it head on. No point prolonging it with methadone. today will be the last day I take any form of opiate. ( im trying to be positive and convince myself I am strong enough to do this) What I have is immodium, gravol, vitamins, sleep aide, heating pad, blankets and lots of water. Ive read that apple cider vinager and coconut oil may be helpful with some things...does anyone have any experience with that? After today I will also not have any extras in the house or that I would be able to get ahold of. I really hope that the horrible physical symptoms only last a week. This is gonna be the worst thing but at the same time the best thing ive ever done. Myself and my girls deserve so much better than this! I have a feeling Im going to be on this site like its my lifeline, so please bear with me and if you happen to see me post in the next 7-10 days even if its just to talk to share your own experience I could really use any and all reply's. Everyone who has answered me, as well as the may other stories I have read are the reason I know I can do this. I dont see myself as a strong person and I have a very addictive personality BUT I WILL beat this. I WILL get better. I WILL pick up the pieces of the mess that is my life right now, and I WILL do anything I can to help anyone that is going threw this horrible nightmare.

[BearsFan1966]

We all have had to deal with kids, work, family, etc while going threw CT. I am not going to lie to you it is hard but worth every second to be clean. Going threw WD reminds us of what we put ourselves threw to get to that point! Really who wants to go threw that? I had to do it twice not because I relapsed but due to a accident. Let me tell you if I had a choice  I would not of gone on pain pills again but I had 5 fractures in my spine and pelvis. If I could do it twice you can do it!
We are all here for you to vent to and give you help during this! We have been there and done that. This web site saved my life!
A few days of he(( is worth being there whole again for your kids any day!

[Krissy_123]

But they're all abused and very addictive drugs,that will one day take your life. You just have to be ok with not being ok for awhile. Only way to get your life back. We do this to ourselves. So in the end we have to "want" to fix it. If we don't want to,it can't happen. Stay close to the site.

[Krissy_123]

Oxycodone and OxyContin are the same thing. Exept codone is immediate release and contin is time release. They are both stronger than hydromorph. Hydromorph is just above morphine and dilaudid. Then it's oxycodone/OxyContin.

[ihatescreennames]

Thank you everyone for your advice and well wishes. What  I was trying to explain or say was that from what I reshearched the hydromorph contin is stronger than oxycontin, but less potent than methadone or fentynal. Is hydromorph and oxycodone pretty much the same thing? Only reason I brought it up was for someone who had no experience to get an idea of what I am dealing with. @cricketk92 I have had the flu and have had to take care of my girls. I have also gone threw about 3 days of really bad withdraws but was lucky enough that my mom had them for those days over the summer. I dont have the family support anymore where someone could take them for me for a few days or even have someone come to my house to help me out, I would be completely on my own. Those 3 days were the WORST experience of my entire life and scarred me so badly. At that point I was only on morphine. I have seriously considered doing it CT, just my previous experiences have been so horrible that I couldn't move, idk how I would be able to care even the bare minimum for a 4 & 6 yr old. :(...just saying that makes me cry and feel like I am the worst parent ever. I always make sure they are taken care of, that they have everything they need and I do my very best to be  the best mom I can be right now....everyday I put myself down because they deserve so much better....I cannot have them see me like that. This disease makes me feel so selfish and guilty its sickening. Im worried that I will try going CT and it will be too much for me and ill end up using to make myself feel better, then ill be right back where I started and have to go threw it all over again... On the other hand I am TERRIFIED of starting methadone. I dont want to just 'swap' one thing for the next. After everything I have herd coming off what im on now would be a million times better than trying to get off methadone in the future. It would be what seems like a 'quick fix' for now, BUT im sure I will suffer from time to time threw the the program and then have a whole new even worse problem to deal with down the road. I just don't know what to do. I am really on the fence about which approach to take, im scared about making the wrong decision....but I have to make one. Im really considering the CT, if its really just 5-7 days it may be better than prolonging this for years with ultimately in the future a 2-6 month withdraw. Guess I should do some more reading and really take a in depth look at myself. I don't have a lot of time to decide and I need to get started on whatever im going to do. Thank you all so much, you've helped and put some things in perspective for me. Also being able to talk to others that have been / are going threw this as well has made me feel a lot better.

[VICourageous]

We have many of us that came off methadone. I have used what you have and more and the worse detox I had was from the Methadone. This drug does not like to let go and it will live in the bones and cells forever.

BUT if you are going to be on it for ever then I would do less..Less is better when it comes to this drug. Maybe get 3-10s a day. They have long legs and it will keep the pain away for around 12 hours..Ha!!! That depends on what type of pain too. It did nothing for my cramps, but help in other areas. I want you to know that I got clean in 2012 at the age 56 and have used many drugs off & on as I grew up. I always WALKED away when I got burned out on them. It was the Methadone that took me over 12 yrs of crying to get off. I had the hardest time until I finally went in for help.

To this day I crave nothing, no booze or other drugs, but sometimes I do crave the Methadone Bad because my Mid-brain remembers the pleasure I got from it. It was like the best antidepressant and a upper for me..PLEASE be careful with this one.

Why don't you just come clean. It is a better life and lots of these pills cause more pain in the loong run becasue of the neruo chemistry that gets all unbalanced. The receptors become blocked as wel,l and soon these pills are doing nothing..Tolerance builds quick and we end up taking more & more. I wish you the best.
Bless

[Krissy_123]

I'm also in Canada and the oxycodone "is" stronger. The oxy is 1.2-2 times stronger. I'm not sure what part of canada you live in but methadone is deff stronger as well. So don't know why they told you that? You can down load the conversion chart. Oxycodone is at the top. Then subs and methadone. I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you considered the option of just quitting c/t? I know you have kids,I also do. It was hard,but it was only a week of real physical w/d's. You must have been sick with the flu well having your kids? Just think of it like that. Everyone always tries to skip this part,but it's not possible. It's really the only way to get clean. Even if you switch to meth or subs,there will be a day the docs will want you off. Just like every other opiate. So wheather you do it now or years down the road it will have to be done....and I guarantee doing it now would be a lot easier.  

[BearsFan1966]

Just remember that what ever you take you will have to detox from that as well. From what I have read the detox from them is worse than from the opiates. What ever you decide we are here for you.
Also once you tell your family you will be freed. I thought my husband would leave me instead he told me we will get threw this together. Some times we get the most support from the last ones we expect!

[ihatescreennames]

Thank you for your response, when I called into the local methadone clinic I was told that suboxone was not an option. its methadone or nothing. From what I have gathered they are close to the same thing? Some differences, but I was really hoping for sub instead. Along with the guilt I already feel, in a way the reason I haven't fully made up my mind about going to the clinic is because in some ways I feel like im just taking a 'cop out'. I know it wont be peaches and cream and eventually I will have to get off of anything else I take for treatment, but I guess im just confused. I am regardless going to make an appointment and going to go have my numerous questions (hopefully) answered. I really wish I had the strength, and trust to be able to tell some of my family members what im going threw, but instead of the support I need, I would be ostracized even more than I have been at a VERY touchy time. I think that maybe after some time of being in some kind of recovery I maybe be able to finally broach this with a select few, but I don't think I could take having the few people I do have around walk out on me right now.

[Cricketk92]

Hi and welcome to the forum!  Congrats on wanting to quit and get your life back!!!
I have no knowledge about the exact med you were taking but I was also on opiates and was terrified of withdrawal!  It took me a long time to even think about quitting because of that fear!  But I will say this...it wasn't nearly as bad as I had it built up in my mind to be!  No, it wasnt fun and no I don't ever want to do it again but my mind made it so much worse!
I know you said you can't be sick because of your children but I'm not sure that going on to methadone is such a great idea either.  Yes, it works for some people and some do get their lives together (I work in a  methadone clinic) but many do not and are just swapping one drug for another.  Then you have to WD from methadone eventually and it is NOT a fun withdrawal!!!  There will be more people who will come on who have actually been on methadone to give you some personal experience so just hang tight!
We will be here for you so keep on posting!!!!

[BearsFan1966]

We have all been down that road of addiction. It is not a fun road to be on. My thoughts on subs is you are trading one drug for another. Thats just my opinion. I know how hard it is to stop trust me, but isn't a few days sick worth a  having your life back!
You will not be alone we will be right by your side. Think about it and I am here for you.....
Do it for you children they deserve to have their mom back!

[helplessangel]

You are definitely not alone! I am in my 34th day being clean and for years felt the same as you. Terrified of feeling sick from withdrawal. Because of that, I went on suboxone for a long time. It helped me because, otherwise, I would have relapsed over and over. But, I still had to detox from that too. I was scared to tell my loved ones too but they kept me accountable. It's embarrassing and my mom didn't believe me at first. I've spent a good $200k on drugs. Could have paid off my house instead. I'm glad you're here. Go to an na meeting. You will see you are certain not alone and your feelings are normal for where you are right now.

[ihatescreennames]

Well its an opiate just like the other ones, much stronger than oxy or morphine, but still below fentenyal. I really appreciate you lending an ear, ive never really told any of this to anyone...Iv'e know what I was doing was wrong for a long time, since the first time. But like everyone else justified it and got myself into a downwards spiral that I cannot seem to pull out of. I have tried to quit  multiple times CT, but have not been able to last very long that way. I have tried tapering , but that didn't work because I still had them in my possession so I would just end up back where I was, with suffering in between to show for it. I feel like this nightmare will never end! I have looked into the methadone clinic where I live, you get in within 24 hours for intake, might have to wait another 48 to see a doc. I have researched and seen the good and the bad sides to going this route. It seems like if I do this I will only be managing my addiction indefinitely instead of becoming 100% sober. I'm not sure if this is a deal im willing to make or if its going to ruin my life even more. Other than this tho, I dont see any other option for my situation.

[BearsFan1966]

That is the first part of recovery! Recognizing what you are doing is wrong! Every thing you are feeling is normal. I went CT off of Norco, Vicodine, and tramadol after a 10 plus year addiction and it was hard but worth every minute getting clean. I was almost a year sober when I fell off my horse and fractured my pelvis and spine. Now I am around 38 days clean and feeling better every day. I really wish I knew more about your meds but I am here for support or if you just want to vent! xoxo

[ihatescreennames]

Thank you so much, even if just to reassure me that im not alone. That is one of the hardest parts of this for me. I do hope to find some one who has dealt with this and has some insight. I'm terrified, embarrassed, alone, confused and just want to be able to build my life back up.

[BearsFan1966]

Welcome! As far as the pain meds you are on I do not know any thing about them. I am sure someone will come along and have some advice.
You have taken the first step to getting your life back and that is huge! Stay strong and keep posting. I wish I had more advice but just do not know any thing about that med but did not want you to feel alone!

[ihatescreennames]

I have been reading this site non stop for a few weeks now and from what I gather not very many people are familiar with hydromorph Contin. I am not sure if it is available in the US, but it is in Canada. When I looked up the opiate potency chart it is just below methadone-cronic, so it is VERY strong, much stronger than oxys and such. From my understanding the caplules and the pills that I take are they same thing, just one is a extended time release, and one is instant for breakthrew. But by crushing the beads and snorting them it makes the capsule instant. PLEASE correct me if I am wrong!! This is just my understanding and I thought I would give the info I could so if anyone had any advice or opinions for me about starting the methadone program they would understand what high doses ive gotten myself into. :(