Aa
Im getting paid Wed so afraid of relapse.
I am 14 days off subs today from my oxy addiction. I get paid Weds and want so bad to buy oxys bc its so easy to do. If I cant get those itll be heroin. I dont wanna relapse. I just want my life back sooo bad. These 14 days have been so up and down. When I start to think Im better I have another bad day. Everything reminds me of my days of using. My cousin is going to try and keep me busy on payday but thats only one day. I need my energy sleep and happiness back soo bad. Ive struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Sometimes I think i wasnt an addict long enough to wanna be done with it which is so stupid!!! I know its me trying to justify doing it another time. past two days I have been so bored and anxious. Racing thoughts that Wont quit. Makes my heart feel like its going to jump outta my chest. I never stole to get my drugs only lied to borrow money and blew thru savings i could have used for more important things. Tomorrow Im going to try and find meetings to goto I think. But What if I ask someone to help me get drugs or something stupid. I just want to feel norm again and think rationally. Why does this have to take so long. Ppl say better days are coming but when???? I Cant take much more!!! Mindy Mcready a country singer took her life yest and i can understand why bc the drugs they trap you. Im not saying Im going to do that. I still have some self worth getting up getting showerd and dressed everyday. Im just so alone in this. Nobody around me truly understands my pain except the person who left me to deal with this alone:'(. My kids dad said hed be here for me bc he has been thru this. He left 5 days into my withdrawal and Havent heard from him since:'((.
Ok I found these other comments finally. I dont have a computer I have my smart phone. I never really played with my kids w toys. We play hide and seek and do simple arts and crafts. I goof w them tickling snuggling etc. Beforr these past two weeks we were always busy. I am such a busy body I Cant stand sittn around. But lately I just dont know what to do with myself.
It's not by vague clues or reading between the lines that we have determined you are planning a relapse. You wrote it down basically in sentence form.
We do not want that for you for sure. Do some real world things to prevent this and it won't happen on Wednesday.
We do not want that for you for sure. Do some real world things to prevent this and it won't happen on Wednesday.
Why cant i see my last post. Guess you all cant see it either. I dont know why when I post it doesnt show up sometimes. But yes im home with my kids. Ive never been much of a reader. I dont have many hobbies or talents. Not real creative or crafty. Not much of a cook part reason is bc my kids are so picky. Pretty sad. im going to try to get thru this. Ill keep posting to keep everyone updated. Hopin for a miracle to keep from the relapse. I dontwant to def dont want to go thru this hell again!!!
Nothing to do? You've got two kids! Do something with them!! Cook, paint, make a fort in the living room, it's endless...there's a member here who started playing with Legos and that was huge for her! Nothing to read? You've got a computer!!
Don't make excuses...LOL!
Don't make excuses...LOL!
I can understand the "wasn't an addict long enough" feeling.. I have that too, in a different way. I feel sometimes mine will be harder to overcome because I didn't come close to rock bottom. But then I read here, and know it was coming, and how lucky I am to have caught it before I destroyed relationships, or bought on the streets, possibly ended up in jail, the list is endless. But I'm no less an addict than anyone else.
Go to meetings, or a counselor. But for sure spend the money on you! If you feel money is a trigger, buy yourself new clothes, something for the house, pay extra on your bills, do something.
You don't want to throw away 14 hard earned days.
Do you have anyone, besides the ex, who is clean you can talk to?
I am still waiting for the better part too. But it does get better, or we wouldn't have success stories.
And right now we have hope. Hope is powerful. Hang on to your hope.
Keep posting..
Go to meetings, or a counselor. But for sure spend the money on you! If you feel money is a trigger, buy yourself new clothes, something for the house, pay extra on your bills, do something.
You don't want to throw away 14 hard earned days.
Do you have anyone, besides the ex, who is clean you can talk to?
I am still waiting for the better part too. But it does get better, or we wouldn't have success stories.
And right now we have hope. Hope is powerful. Hang on to your hope.
Keep posting..
Ive been stuck at home alone w my two kids the past two dayys. Leaves me with nothing but time to think. Its so cold out today. And I dont have nothing to read:(. I have some plans on going job hunting tomr but today nothing. Believe me I dont wanna fail and there is no way in hell I could go thru this again. Im gonna find meetings tomr. Hoping for a miracle so there is no relapse. Ill keep you all posted
Ricart is right. You already plan to relapse. Relapse begins mentally, emotionally and spiritually before you pick up a drug. You are already there.
There will come a time (right now would be good) that you have to want to be clean as much as you want to get high and fight for it with all you have. You are still romancing that high and your next high could easily be your last.
I truly hope and pray you get through this.
There will come a time (right now would be good) that you have to want to be clean as much as you want to get high and fight for it with all you have. You are still romancing that high and your next high could easily be your last.
I truly hope and pray you get through this.
Two weeks is a trigger for you so it's time to change your thoughts! What are you doing right now? Thinking??? Can you do something else? Do you like to read? Exercise of any kind, even a walk, helps...
Sounds like you are making a plan to relapse.That's why I said buy everything you would need for the week.Does she live that far away.Why can't you just ask your mom?
You all are so great and supportive. I wish I had someone in the home to help me. My cousin would do anything she could to help. If she didnt have her hubby and 4 dogs to take care of she would be here watching my every move lol. She loves and cares abt me like her little sister as I do her. But she doesnt fully understand bc she has never abused hard drugs. Keep in mind I dont consider weed a drug bc that stuff is all natural and so harmless. I wish I enjoyed it lol but I dont all it does and make me sleepy and paranoid. Anyways back on track you all have some great ideas. We are going to do lunch and get me some melatonin and something for energy for me Weds. She lives to far away to hold my money. I could ask my mom but ultimatly it comes down to me and cant stop thinkin abt getting that last high. It may be a waste of money since i was on methadone 3 months and suboxones 1 week and two weeks off everything today. Two weeks was as far as I made it last time but this time has been alot more difficult withdrawAling. I really want to stay clean and on track but i have to fight these demons every single day and feeling like **** doesnt help.
Great suggestions! Find a meeting (AA) and go. I think it will help the immediate trouble so use that link IBK gave you.
I'm trying to remember...was it you who jumped at 8mg of Sub?
With your paycheck, go to a vitamin store and stock up. Minerals and aminos help so much. L theanine is a gift! Also, Ltyrosine and the B Vits. There are so many natural substances that increase dopamine and other brain chemicals...just give it a try, okay? Then ask yourself if you really WANT to go back to pills more than anything...I know you don't.
I'm trying to remember...was it you who jumped at 8mg of Sub?
With your paycheck, go to a vitamin store and stock up. Minerals and aminos help so much. L theanine is a gift! Also, Ltyrosine and the B Vits. There are so many natural substances that increase dopamine and other brain chemicals...just give it a try, okay? Then ask yourself if you really WANT to go back to pills more than anything...I know you don't.
Can you try to dismantle the mechanism that makes it easy for you to buy? Block the number, erase it from your phone, e-mail, etc... Figure out anything you can do to build distance between you and that act. It will give you time to reconsider if you're weak. I know in the end it comes down to what we want for ourselves, but since you're still in the thick of it, it seems smart. I love the idea of having your cousin meet you and take you shopping / hold your money.
What about this idea, too? After you do your shopping, what if you took the money you would spend on the drugs and do something you've wanted to do--get a nice massage? What would lift your mood?
What about this idea, too? After you do your shopping, what if you took the money you would spend on the drugs and do something you've wanted to do--get a nice massage? What would lift your mood?
Great job on staying clean. Ricart70 gave some great advise about giving your money to someone else. I have had my husband hide my phone on many occasions & he tracks where all of our money goes. Having someone help you stay clean helps so much. Also check out a NA or AA meeting. They help a lot. Good luck to you.
Ask yourself,do,u wanna start all over and go thur detoxing again. Get out ,use that money on a gym membership.. Keep yourself busy
Why wait until tomorrow? No time like right now!
http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/
http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/
Hi GREAT JOB ON BEING CLEAN !! sorry you are feeling so bad.How many days do you have?
You are not trapped at the moment! You will be if you get high again.Remember that because it is important and also a fact.
Here is what I would do in your shoes right now.I would get your cousin or someone that you trust,who is clean, to meet you when you get your check and cash it.Have them go with you shopping and purchase what you need for the week or whatever.Have them hold onto the remaining amount for you.This IMO is a good solution to your immediate problem and question.
Hang in there. Pretty much all of us can get pills and H easily.My old H dealer called yesterday from a weird number.After he found out I was clean and did not want any he was squirming to get off of the phone with me.I won't answer that number again.It does get easier and is worth the time put in not to be enslaved by these narcotics
You are not trapped at the moment! You will be if you get high again.Remember that because it is important and also a fact.
Here is what I would do in your shoes right now.I would get your cousin or someone that you trust,who is clean, to meet you when you get your check and cash it.Have them go with you shopping and purchase what you need for the week or whatever.Have them hold onto the remaining amount for you.This IMO is a good solution to your immediate problem and question.
Hang in there. Pretty much all of us can get pills and H easily.My old H dealer called yesterday from a weird number.After he found out I was clean and did not want any he was squirming to get off of the phone with me.I won't answer that number again.It does get easier and is worth the time put in not to be enslaved by these narcotics
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