Coping with death

[Lindsay_T]

I am really hurting bad. I am 100 days clean from vidocin addiction. My youngest sister (in her 40s) comitted suicide on Thursday night. I called an addict friend right away and she talked me out of taking pills on Friday. I am listening to myself though, right now. And myself is telling me that I can take one or two.
I have access. I am not strong, but I am going slow. That's why I'm posting this message.
My sister was an addict. Her story is so complicated. I love her so much. My mom is here in my house. She was visiting me from another state when this all happened.
My Mom prays a lot with me. I am very sad.

[3rddayoff]

I am so sorry for your loss. In the past 14 years I have found 2 of my uncles dead.....One was a struglling alcoholic who never seeked help. Found him dead in my grandmas basement me and His son.....My other uncle started giving us pills to cope with the funeral thing...Thats when IT all started...Buh By emotion hello addiction. No a good way. My genius uncle who started this whole thing called me over He needed a fix and it was 2 am middle of winter.....Well he found a fix before I got there ( wich wasnt for his fix), but to try and help. I had given up on him a long time ago and I was clean at the time Until I found him sitting on his chair LiFELESS.....I carried his body to the clinick beside where he lived.Pounding on his heart to try riviving him still in his chair....Grabbed the pills that he had scored and here I am AGAIN. Remeber thats the way he tought me do deal with stuff like this. The amount of oxy in his system was enough to kill 10 fully grown horses he musta got the colours wrong or something...

That is not the way to deal with things even death I wish I has a memory of him sobber now all I got is this drug related overdosed uncle who left 3 beautifull girls aside for wut  A GOOG HIGH  

They must have been so upset to see me from up there in heaven....:(

I looked up to them for strenght and courage during my detox and think they will look after.. Keep me strong u know

N-E ways thats my little storie and hopes that anyone who reads this will realize that drugs mask the pain and does not fix anything...let the tape roll...

so sad to hear

N

[bmdad]

You recently lost a family member also? Sorry if your post got overlooked but I didn't see it anywhere. So sorry for your loss.

[chuck13]

this site sux. why wont you post my opinion?I am going thru the same mess

[feohmoon]

I am so saddened for what you and your family are having to endure...and I understand that the addiction has to make it that much worse.  
I can also understand your desire to take a pill - it goes far beyond just a craving (which is hard enough) My heart goes out to you and you will be in our thoughts and prayers.  Just hang in there and very bust of luck to you and your family....and also...as Brian said, she is in a truly better place now and you do not have to stop communicating with her....
Peace

[vicki595]

Lindsay~  This is terrible for you and your family. Please lean on your Mom as you help her...you will both gain strength from eachother.

Brian is right,don't get yourself in a stupor. You won't remember. You need to be present in this, as difficult as that can be.

Lean on us here,as well. Lots of strong shoulders around here!

xo

[bmdad]

So sorry to hear about your loss. It hurts so bad to lose a family member. My oldest sis passed away in May of 2006. We still don't know exactly what happened but I think it was a combination of her lifestyle. She drank, used pills on the weekends combined with alcohol and was a vegetarian and didn't supplement nutrients. I was taking my pain meds as prescribed at the time but once she died I ended up taking more to mask the deep pain I felt. I regret even taking any at all during that time because it is all a blur. I feel like I let her down, my parents, and my other sisters. I'm pretty sure i wasn't there emotionally for everyone else in my family. At the time I didn't want to remember the visitation or the funeral but looking back now I would give my right arm to remember every last detail. I almost feel like I didn't get the closure I needed because I was in such a fog.
Please learn from my mistake. You know taking one pill will lead to another and another etc. You need to have a clear mind during all of this. I know it seems like it would be so much easier to not have to remember right now but in the future you will understand and be so very thankful that you do remember.
Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Just know that she is in a much happier place.
Hang in there. It does get easier with time even though it doesn't seem like it will. I promise.

Brian

[alcandcodeine]

Hi Lindsay
Like Cissy above I agree you mustn't even consider taking again.  It won't take away the pain, but it possibly will put you back on the path of addiction again, and then who knows, a few years down the line, your mum could lose you too, to the same dreadful disease.  Please don't even consider it, it's just not worth it.  Unfortunately there is only one healer for such a loss, and that is time.  I know it's not what you want to hear, but I've been there and it's true.  Try and do nice things in her memory, I found that helped.  Good luck.  J.x

[gnarly_1]

Lindsay im so sorry to here of your loss addiction is an awful deseise and can drive people over the edge we lost my sisterinlaw 2 yrs ago to what had first looked like a suaside but in the end turned out to be an accidental overdose ....its always painful to loose a family member my wife was devastated she had been reaching out to michell for a few months and was making progress with her addiction things where starting to look up so when the news came it was devastating...I will add you to my nightly prayers...im sorry this had to happen
.........Gnarly  

[Cissy373]

I am so very sorry to hear about your sister.........I can't even imagine. That being said, don't take a pill thinking it will make you feel better cause we both know it won't.

The thing is, IF you take a pill you will still feel bad over the loss of your sister, plus you will add the guilt and shame you will feel for throwing away 100 days of clean time..............your sister would NOT want that for you. I am sure she is looking down on you saying, "Sis DON'T take a pill..............look what it did to her.

Praying for you..............stay strong.

Cissy

[dominosarah]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.  This is such a tragedy.  Using isnt an option here Lindsay, staying clean is.  Nothing can bring your sister back but you can turn this around and do something positive in her memory.

My deepest sympathy to you and your family~~~~~~sara

[narla]

So sorry to hear about your sister,my prayers are with you and your family at this time,keep posting and we can all try and help you through this difficult time.This will make you stronger,you can get through the heartache.
God Bless

Denise

[10356]

I also em so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. my lil brother committed suicide when he was 13 I will never forget the shock our deep sadness I felt.. my condolences to your mom and the rest of your family..Please go through this straight for your mind is clear and suicide leaves many questions of ourselves and the ones we lost.. just know there was nothing you could have done different to change the outcome.. forever we will feel the loss but time is a blessing.. Congrats on your 100 days. warmly lesa

[nicekittynaz]

I am Very sorry to hear about your sister, My brother age 39 also comitted suicide nov of 06, & since then I have been switched over to methadone from morphines & these past 3 years have been a living hell with the emotinall pain + what the methadone has done to my body physically. I am ever more depressed then ever & I am just hating life, I dread to wake up everyday, & if it wasnt for my kids I probablly wouldnt be here. I hope you can stay stay strong & have people around you for the support, & take thngs one day at a time, Thats all we can do.

[Lindsay_T]

Thank you everyone. I am feeling so bad deep inside. I just want it to go away. Every time I get through a new experience clean, I am stronger. I pray I'll be able to stay straight and look back each night on a day that was hard, but a day that was lived without using pills.
thank you all for your encouraging words.
Wendy, Keep up the fight! You are awesome and we all need to know how you are doing!
Hugs, Lindsay

[RitzBitz]

I am so Isorry for your loss.  I know it's hard.....my addiction became bad when I lost my mother and tried to self medicate. You sound a whole lot smarter than me.  Hang in there, the pills will only make it worse.

[throwindatowl]

Ill be thinking about you. Im sorry. It seems like its the nicest people that have to suffer with addiction. Try your very best to not erase 100 days.

[Rich99]

Please accept my condolences of this terrible loss.     You are "hurting" emotionally and that is actually making you hurt physically.     I realize you want to feel better but do not give in by taking those pills again.    It would be a mistake.     Try to talk with others maybe check the list of forums here to see if there is one for those who have suffered the loss of a loved one.     If none on medhelp,  google to find one.  

[wendy111]

so sorry about your sister and now it is even more important to stay strong and see things clearly.  you are strong just posting and it is only saturday.  
feel the feelings straight they are awful but real.  I do not know what else to say
so sorry
wendy