Feeling Alone

[justme1119]

I was on this board for a few months last Sept./Oct. when I stopped taking methadone and Norco for pain issues.  I did it myself, with the help of people on this board.  The withdrawals from the low dose methadone were worse than any sickness I've experienced in my 54 years.  I waited for about three months before I withdrew from the Norco.  Fast forward 9 months and I needed a total knee replacement after a failed partial knee replacement.  I suffered a whole school year in pain, but off of narcotics.  Now, I am two months out of surgery and I have set up the same situation I had before with the Norco.  I can get 180/month. For the last month I'm back in my old rut.  I take the 180 in two weeks.  I have two great weeks, one really bad week, and one kinda crappy week, and then two more great weeks, and then one really bad week, and then one kinda crappy week.....and on and on it goes.  My head is telling me that after the coming up week I'm about to have, the kinda crappy week, I should quit.  My body is saying that the knee replacement is good, but that my life  hurts and my body hurts and two good weeks are better than four boring, average weeks with a body that hurts, and a life that hurts.  I hope I've made sense.  Anyone else doing what I'm doing?

[justme1119]

Yes, to the same thoughts.  I take one big dose when I first get them. The most I've ever taken at once is 5, but that was only once.  I know that this sounds really immature, but I look at the big pile of pills and I say, that's a big pile of pills, they will last a while, I'll start tapering when I get low.  This last month was the first time I had been able to get the 180. I knew my pattern so I put them out in a pill box for the whole month.  It didn't matter, I still rationalized and took them before the month was done.  

I really need to talk to someone, go see a counselor.  I am very unhappy at my home.  My husband and I have 30 years in April.  We have four sons, two still in school, one with major problems.  Now that they are all older I'm seeing that they all treat me the way their dad does.  They don't value what I say.  They don't respect me.  It's hard living in a home with 3 to 5 men who either ignore you or want something from you.  My life is not filled with strife and turmoil at the moment, so it's not like there is a lot of fighting, I just feel ignored and undervalued.  I only have one really good friend.  Thank God for her.  My family of origin is supporting and loving and I talk to my sister sometimes, but I can't be completely real with them because they talk to each other and blow things out of proportion.  I actually checked out some on line counseling.  I might do that.  It seems like something that would work for me.  I like writing my thoughts.  When I talk I want to say everything and I don't always filter out the parts that don't need to be said.  People misunderstand or don't get it.  If I write it down, I have to filter a little.  I dunno.  Has anyone ever done online counseling?
It's like 115 for three email sessions.  Thanks for answering my post.  Are you clean now?  That's what it sounds like.  How long?  

[dee480]

This was me EXACTLY - I did the same thing and it's hard on a person!  Truly...it's hard mentally and physically.  I would always plan on using my next script to taper, then my mind would do what yours does: "a good few days is better than nothing"  or my ADDICT mind would say: "Saving ONE will not do much so I might as well dose-up while I have them so it's fun"  <<<have you ever thought that?  (could be just me ;)
But I've quit and relapsed a couple times and it really does have to be a personal decision to finally end the ride.  I just kinda looked at it like: "okay, dee, you had your fun, now time to get back to real life.  Can't keep going like this forever, so might as well just get it under control"  
Hope maybe my thoughts help you, as yours have helped me realize that there are alot of similarities with others you may not realize.  This forum has been a big help to me.  Good luck - please continue to share since it seems we're alike...I'd like to hear how your doing in the future.  Best to you!

[Sonrissa]

Hi justme!  I did exactly what you are doing! I did the same thing over and over again! My scrip lasted exactly 2 weeks, then, I would try to stretch it out for a few days, and then a horrible weeks of withdrawals before I could fill my next script! Its so funny, I would get through the most intense days of withdrawals, and then, just when I started to feel better, I would fill my script! What a nightmare roller coaster!

The good news is you can get off the roller coaster! Come up with a plan on how to deal with the pain, and how you are going to stop, and go for it!

Keep posting, we will be here to help and support!

[tonyttll]

Hang in there, things will get better. Do your best to have a positive attitude. I have been suffering from severe anxiety issues, along with weird neurological symptoms from medications. I've gone through so much in the last year, and have had no choice to except things and realized i have no power over them. Just do the right and indicated things and pray. I don't know if you believe in god. I've just starting to have a real understanding of God. And i'm able to except change a lot more. Take care

[Free2agoodhome]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you are on this ride.

I could not recommend to just endure the physical pain you're in... That has got to sux. The problem I had is that well after I was healed from surgery,I kept taking them. I really liked them....

Your tolerance is going up which is almost always how it starts to escalate.

I guess faced with the question "would I rather be in chronic pain or live in a warm fuzzy haze ? "  a haze that cannot be maintained unless you feed it time , money, effort etc.......all the time.

I can't answer because I don't have pain like that. What I can say is that being clean to me is 100 % better than when I was using opiates. Life has a different meaning to me now....much healthier way of life.

The answers will come to you,,,,and when it's time to let them go we are here for ya...  keep posting...hang out,,,,,


rootin for ya


Free~