Day 15, up at 1:43AM, another looong day

[ScarrieAnne]

Im proud I made it this far and Im seeking help I never believed in before, with that said, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. For example, I went to the mall and walmart yesterday, and was gone an hour and had to lay down. In the school pick up line I FELL ASLEEP! all the cars in front of me had already moved up about 100 feet.Its just I have these tiny spurts of get up and go, and then I get so tired and muscle achy, it is painful, like I worked out for a solid 2 days. On the bright side I am going to go get The Thomas recipe supplements today and I bought Epsom salts and Epsom salt body wash, hope this helps some. I feel like a terrible mother lately. My daughter is my life and Mommy is so tired and crappy that I am unable to play with her like I did before, all she hears is mommy is going to be a little sick for a little while so please bear with me, but she is 5 and she doesn't understand. She told me I was faking it yesterday, lol. She is very precocious and too smart, However I get her to school keep her clean, dress her nicely and cook her dinner every night. Its just the tedious playing I just dont have the energy for. Im kind of scared for this weekend because from fri til tues. my husband is on graveyards, so we only see him 2 hours during the day before he goes to work, so I will have no help with her and we don't have family or close friends to help. Just send up a prayer that I am feeling better this weekend! My daughter is extremely high maintenance, more than the average child. Its my fault tho, its always been me and her and Ive spoiled her to me. I feel better than I did the first week, for sure, and this second week Ive been doing a lot more, but there is always that big million dollar question. Am I ever going to feel good again and when? I totally get why people relapse at this time. I wont be, but I get it. If I wasn't a stay at home mom, I wouldn't be off subs or Id be back on pain pills by now. I know how fortunate I am that I can stay home and get through it, but it makes me feel guilty for all of those that have to work and deal with w/d. I have such empathy for them..Any good thoughts, advice, anything would be so helpful today, Im fighting that really negative attitude this morning.Thanks for everything my dear friends, XOXO CarrieAnne

[dedicatedtostop]

I woke up to rain. Blah! I think you mentioned earlier about your daughter being a handful or something to the sort. OMG my 7 year old is so stubborn, and so freaking hyper!!!!! I love her more than anything but keeping up with her is a full time job. She is very high maintenance.  I will most certainly hold off on my old exercise routine, not worth re injury. I do think I will try the treadmill here at home even if I only make it for a few minutes. I hope your afternoon and evening was better. Talk to you soon..
Luv Ash

[ScarrieAnne]

iwould love that, I really don't have a ot of human interaction outside mu little family, a lot of my close friends live out of state because I have moved around a lot during my nomad stage.Dont overdo the exercise yet! All u need is another injury , like u said baby steps, I ve been doing yoga which is easy on your body and pilates but it kicks my a** and Im sore for days.Im going to lay off of it all except for walking til I feel stronger, I will be in touch! Stay well and don't let that weather effect u, when its like that here I light the fireplace, get under a blanket and chill. Have a lovely rest, you will feel better, xoxo CarrieAnne

[dedicatedtostop]

Email me anytime!! I would love to hear from you! Our situations are so very similar! It's a dark, cold an gloomy day here so today's been really Blah for me!!
As far as your friends, I think you can be a major influence to them when they see you did it!! Unfortunately, we all know that until your truly ready to give it up, nothing anyone says matters. But I am sure you will give your friends hope and inspiration. Idle minds are our worst enemy.... And yes that *****! I am going to try to lay down for a short nap and perhaps try to get on the treadmill later. Baby steps. I can't wait till the day I can hit the gym 5 days a week like I did before my back injury. I am hesitant to do so since it's only been 4 months since surgery. Just scared to risk it. If it was not so cold and windy here in good old Indiana ( insert sarcasm ) I would get out and walk. Oh how I despise cold weather.
So, this may sound crazy but I cringe at the thought of Christmas right now! I usually deck my whole 6,200 sq ft home out in decor and right now, the thought of doing so makes me cringe! Perhaps that's normal but right now I am feeling like there's no way possible I can do it. Then again, a few more weeks can make a world of difference. I try so hard to just focus on 1 day at a time. Email me anytime. If you would like to talk, PM me and I will give you my number. Our lives seem so much the same! Maybe we can be each others support group! I too am looking into aftercare options, I just don't know if NA meetings is for me either
Xoxo

[EvolverU]

Howdy & good morning :)

What you're doing right now is possibly the bravest, wisest & most life-affirming thing you'll ever do. It's the greatest gift you can give to your family & yourself. (Something to remember when that shame & guilt come flooding @ you). This is going to make you an even better mother & you'll be ever so grateful that you did it!

Sure she recognizes mommy's not the same right now but that's Okay! Kids generally don't have the heavier, self-defeating 'blinders' & defenses that we've developed & know when things are amiss. We may believe that we were super-beings before & that all was right with the world but I'll bet you all my current OT pay that she'll recognize the difference & benefit massively from the new, honest you -- your [real!] emotional accessibility & Clarity.

I promise you, you'll realize all this as you continue to grow & heal on your path. I know it's crazy right now & there's a sense of insecurity, change & sickening free-fall but that will slowly start to even out. If you stay True to you -- You're staying True to her -- to you all.

So Keeping Holding Fast, Keep snatching your Joy in the moments when it arises & know that you're doing that 'clean' -- that it's real!

Bravo on Day 15, doppleganger! :)

[ScarrieAnne]

Thank you for that, I feel an affinity for you because our situation is so similar. Our lives mirror each other and I think that can help both of us immensely. Im sure you have the days where you are alone til everyone gets home from work/school, and you  have nothing you have to get done that day, those days kill me. Im not thinking about using or anything, its just I don't know what to do with myself coz Im so tired, bored and lonely, but this site has helped me with that, right now its my lifeline to the world. My two best friends are still on suboxone. I cant be around them because I know they would give me one thinking it would help me, and if I see them I will be thinking about it.So that kinda *****. I am the first guinea pig to quit, then tell them what I did, doesant matter though everyone is so different, for example my one friend tried to quit awhile back and slept constantly for a month then caved, SHE SLEPT! like 12 hours a day, granted she has some major health issues and takes Effexor, but I told her girl if you can sleep through this s***, you have no kids or job, then you are one of the extremely fortunate ones.But she has to make the decision, she hates the lying dr as much as I do.another thing what is 3 years of suboxone taking going to do to me in the long run? am I going to be one of those bad drug call 1800 blah blah coz your bleeding from your eyeballs?That  really freaks me out and I know Im rambling, I haven't had much human contact today, I have a crapload of errnds to run in a bit, hope that goes ok, dealing verizon is a new form of hell on earth.Love talking to you and im going to ck in with you every day or so, but Im going to email u if that's ok. XOXOOX CarrieAnne

[dedicatedtostop]

Hey pretty!! Your post is pretty much me and all my feelings to a T!!! I too am a stay at home Mom right now and I am Thankful for that! We both know we are going to have good days and bad days Right? I am pretty sure Normal non addicts have bad days too. The most important thing is to keep moving forward. I am not kidding at all, your post described everything that I am feeling too. Someone once told me that you have to learn to be okay with being just okay for awhile. That quote keeps me going because I know that this too shall pass. Your clean, your taking care of your child and you have been given a chance at a new life! Those are all positives! Your doing fantastic! Don't stress tommorows worries for that day has yet to come. Focus on today and celebrate where you are now and how hard you worked to get there! I am here if you need to talk!!

[ScarrieAnne]

lol, Ill share my next jewelry pieces with you and post photos, then Im moving on to sculpture, I can do some wicked looking demons! If you do it Ill do it! cant wait to see your new work! We can get this part of ourselves back, if your are like me its always been there, just got buried for a bit. MOJO ON SPIDEY! xoxo c.

[spider6]

Thankyou, actually in the last couple of weeks, that's exactly what I've been doing. I does believe I found my mojo!  Lol ya I gotta few cool things in the works. .......truth....every artist experiences death, just a little every day,
With arms unbound and mind full bloom,
I know I'll find my way...........ya I'm gonna abuse this spurt to it's full extent.
Lol, rise UP and create!  

And I will say....thank you Cheese, you really know your stuff!

[ScarrieAnne]

spider, we have to put it into our art! Start small, sketch ideas, find some inspiration, artists are sensitive people and when we aren't getting that outlet it really messes us up. Just try, for all of us! LOVE LOVE LOVE CARRIE

[ScarrieAnne]

Thank you Kelly, I hope this day finds you well! one foot in front of the other, you know? XOXOX C.

[ScarrieAnne]

You really get what Im dealing with! my daughter is by no means feeling unloved or neglected, she is the center of our lives, I told her I have a really bad flu that lasts a long time but I will be old mommy soon. I am so excited to hear that day 16 u turned a corner, I know we are all different but that gives me some hope. Ive been expecting 30 days anyway.I actually spent a good part of the day yesterday on the phone with insurance and I have my first addiction therapy appt. on Monday. I am still very  very leery of NA and Im not sure at this point if I am brave enough to go there. I will ask my counselor what she thinks.Congrats on your days clean, quite an accomplishment my friend! Love to you, Carrie

[kellygirll]

you are doing so good SO GOOD dont worry your daughter won't hold it against you and all this will be behind you i promise just keep doing what you are doing it does get better it really does I'm so proud of you keep on keeping on!!!!!!

[spider6]

Thus was / is definitely the hardest for me,....the constant subconscious searching is still there....,I can't seem to find the best suitable replacements yet.  I found coffee at the beginning but now it's just another crutch I don't want. .....I don't even like coffee...I use it for energy.  Le jittery sigh.

You're doing great.  Grats on 15

[NeverAgain127]

I know what you mean about getting used to taking something when you feel bad or low energy.   It felt strange to me too, but today is day 46 and I'm getting used to just feeling my feelings.  

I keep remembering what I"ve learned in online meetings:   we used:  Relax, Escape, & Reward.  When you have an urge to do anything of those things, we have to find new ways to take care of ourselves.  

Don't feel too guilty; your little one will survive her mom not feeling well for a bit.  Same as if you caught a really bad stomach flu.   Kids are incredibly resilient as long as they know they are loved, and it sure sounds like your daughter does.

You are doing great, Anne, but I still felt pretty crappy on day 15.   Days 16 and on were where I truly turned a corner.  

What is your plan for aftercare?  Have you thought about meetings?  Either in person or online?  You might want to pick up some literature about recovery and start reading, when you can...even just a little bit here and there.  

Keep going...proud of you!!!!

Hugs,

-R.

[ScarrieAnne]

I have been drinking tons of water but Im not doing so well on the caffeine, in the afternoon I have a cup of coffee so I can cook dinner, do bath time, bedtime, all those things that go with having little ones.I suppose I should break that habit pretty quick. Its extremely hard to get used to not taking something to feel better, that is the hardest part for me. My whole life if I was tired, anxious, depressed, whatever, Id find something to take to make it all better,this will be my biggest hurdle, but my vitamins help some. Thanks girl. XO C

[ScarrieAnne]

Thanks for the encouragement, I WILL NOT give in, now way no how! You know how it is you have good days and bad days. Have a fantastic day at work today, XOXO C.

[ariley13]

Oh, and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Lots of water, and a healthy diet make a HUGE difference. Try to stay away from processed and sugary foods as well as caffeine for awhile. It will really help your energy levels and sleep.

[ariley13]

I have to get moving here so I can can get to work. I just wanted to say good morning and that you are doing great. The lack of energy and lack of sleep are the 2 biggest withdrawal symptoms that can really linger. You really have to keep pushing yourself to get through it. One day very soon you will realize that you have a little more endurance that the day before. That you were able to get an extra hour of sleep. It's a slow process, but it will come. Try to be patient with yourself and no matter what, no giving in! You are doing great, really rocking your recovery. Keep it up! Hope you have an awesome day!  :)