Day 20.... what do you think??

[VonB]

Hi All ..... its me Von ........ Just a quick recap .. then a question.  I am Prescribed 40mg Oxycontin 3x a day & Percocet 10/325 3x a day for Breakthrough pain.  I have rods in my Spine bad Car Accident in 1991 ( long story).  About 8 months ago I started taking more than my prescribed dose ... and crushed the Oxy's and swallowed them crushed and liked how it made me feel.  I ran out early  3x over the last 8 months and went through withdrawals.   Each time running out earlier and earlier.  This last time I ran out 2 weeks early ........ went through the withdrawals.. and managed my Pain with Tylenol, Motrin, Asprin, Heating Pad, Hot Baths etc ...... then on day 10 ... I was in Agoney ... and took one of my Spouse's Vicodin 10's at 2pm......and one at 9pm ( didn't take them to get high) ... just because nothing else I tried helped at ALL. ... after that I continued to manage my Pain with the OTC meds .. until day 19 ( Last Night ) when again I was in Severe Pain, it actually woke me out of my Sleep.  I took a Vicodin 10 at 1:00am ... and again at 6:00am.  Since I have been off the Oxy's and the Percocets I feel like I got my Soul back .. and the Sparkle in my eyes has returned ( everyone around me has noticed the difference ) I just feel so much more normal and alive.   I want to believe I am on day 20 ... as I have not ABUSED any kind of Narcotics/Opiates .... I am always very hard on myself and feel like maybe I am kidding myself and each time I had to take something rather than over the counter stuff to manage my Pain ... I have to start Counting from Zero again.    I realize this can be a slippery slope, because of how I abused the Hard Stuff ... I'm not sure how to feel..... there is a BIG part of me that is so Proud of myself and the other that feels weak and like a loser that I couldn't tough it out.  I would Value your Guys Opinion and Input.   Thanks for listening Von

[shinningmom]

Souless- That is such a good decription.  My first day detoxing it was a bit chilly out, the sun was somewhat out but there was a chill in the air.  My thought was wow the cold feels colder today..... I don't know that anyone understands that the way I felt it.  My first day it felt as though someone had died.  By day three I still felt that depression like someone had died but I started realizing that the person who died should not be missed it was that as you would say "souless" being that I had become.  My father has been on pain meds alomost my entire life and he needs them so I know that there are people that need them, he has actually been on them so long when he has talked to doctors about getting off them doctors have actually told him that it would be a bad idea.  That it could possibly kill him, he needs the meds for the pain he has been disabled since 87 by an accident that should have left him a vegetable.  So not only does he need them but his body has such a dependency and he is old an disabled the doctor does not think he could make it through the w/ds.

[VonB]

I hate when I hear that someone is also suffering like I am ... but in some strange way , it makes me feel that there are people out there that really " Get me " and understand what I am going through. I am glad that your doing better on the methodone ..... and feel more like your old self again too.  I have decided to be kinder and more forgiving of myself ... if I can't be " Perfect " and never take any kind of Narcotic Pain reliever again, so be it ..... its a Journey and we are all dealing with different things.  Having legitamite Pain issues and abusing our meds ... doesnt mean we don't have real pain ... for me it was a total escape from the reality of my situation when I started to get a high from the meds ... it just was a way for me to escape the reality of what is my life with Pain, if that makes any sense.  Do the Best you can each and everyday ... and keep moving forward.  Stay well     Von

[VonB]

Thanks for your response,  I believe I can just take an occational Vicodin when things get unbearable .... but at the same time I agree it I am walking a fine line .... and there is always the possibility it would be like lighting a fuse.  My Husband is in recovery from Alcohol for 20+ years and from Drugs 15 years next month ... so I definitely do have someone to look out for me ... and for that and many other things I am blessed :)  For now I am just going to try ALL over the counter and other remedies to deal with my pain... and unless things get so unbearable ... only then will I take a Vicodin.   I am trying to look at the glass half full and appreciate that in 20 days I only had to give in twice ..on day 10 and day 19 ... and both times ... it was dank and rainy and miserable which really seems to exaserbate ( spelling ? ) my problem.  I have prayed alot in the past 20 days and alot of the time ... I asked God to release my pain and he did ... I believe in the Power of Prayer for sure.    God Bless you and your Daughter  .. keep fighting the good fight!  You inspire me !!! Von

[lmccoy]

I just read your post this morning and had to laugh. You just saved me the trouble of posting. Everything is the same. Cronic verified BAD pain issuses, with real enjoyment some of the time using the oxy. I cut from 280mg oxy to methadone at 80mg and started dramatic tapers at the high end. At 7.5mg I stoped completly, but after 3 days my shoulders and neck hurt so bad I could not lay down. Took 5mg "done" and the pain was just fine. Next 3 days just took 2mg a day and today I'm hurting so much I'm just going min. by min. I am soo unhappy the cold turkey didn't work and HATE to admit I might never be able to be totally clean, but I also have my soul and personality back. Much of it came back with the methadone and the desire to take more than prescribed went away completly. Even on higher levels the differance for me was night and day. Sorry you have to deal with this and I can sure relate.

[gnarly_1]

HI Von...sorry to here your in such pain...I chased back pain away for 16 1/2 yrs with narcotics ...your right about it feeling like it steals your soul it did for me also...my back is still messed up I have 2 bad disks and 3 deteriorating ...since ive been off the narcotics
I have used 800mg ibuprofin and that's it...for me back pain is one of my triggers to use
I don't crave 1 pill I crave a 1/2 a dozen when my pain kicks up ...thats what I use to take
at one time to kill the pain...for me there is no 1 pill option ...I would abuse if I got near
any...my daughter has 2 steel rods in her back from an auto accident ...at one time she used heroin so I have warned her about the percacet but she dosent seam to have a problem just taking one when things are really bad...she dosent abuse them I keep a watchful eye on her but she seams to have it under control...I guess what im trying to say is this...some people can get away with taking the occasional vicaden others like me cant  you know your self...you know the amount of pain your in...it might be ok
if you have someone to watch over your use or it might be like lighting a fuse ...only you can decide what is right for you..just be mindful of where it can go if you do have to treat your pain...good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[VonB]

I definitely am staying away from the Percs & Oxy's ...... and I am actually keeping a Pain Journal and everything I take ... Over the counter meds included ... and if things are unbearable .... and only if Nothing else works... will I take a Vicodin.  The difference on how I feel since no Oxy's or Perc's ... is like night & day ... I definitely don't want to be Souless again ( thats how it made me feel .. like it stole my Soul !! ) Thanks for your Input   Von :)

[VonB]

Michele .... Thanks for your input, you always make me feel like someone really cares how I am doing .. your a doll :)  Von

[tphelp]

HI.. I think you should stay away from the percs and the oxys.  Just be careful you dont get addicted to the vics...Thats what happened to me.  For a year.  So be careful and moniter yourself.  Good luck.

[micheleTX]

hey Von!  I'm so sorry you are in such pain.  Always hate to hear that.  My opinion, which is all I can give, is that if you are in that much pain, maybe you need to be on the medicine for pain management.  Since you were abusing it though, as you said, it may have to be monitored.  By your doctor or husband, where you get the prescribed amount but cannot have access to it for more than the prescribed amount?  Some people need stronger medicine than OTC stuff, I know this.  It is just such a fine line that has to be walked, because that dang brain in our heads always wants more!!

I wish you all the luck in the world getting your pain under control!  I hope you find some relief soon :)  take care of yourself and post when you can.  I care to hear about how you are okay?