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Dealing with the pain and loss of dignity associated with addiction
I hope that I don't offend anyone with this posting. That isn't my intention. I just feel that this story is worth sharing. And, I do also have a question that directly relates to addiction.
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
Kia ora, I just found this forum tonight. I'm on about day three of w/d and feeling damned low and alone in the world.I'm addicted to Morphine, Heroin and Methadone. My problem is that i am a secretive addict, so the only people who know i am using are my drug buddies. I have a new partner of about 6 weeks.I injected in front of him on our first date because i thought it was better to be straight up and then he could leave then and there if he wanted. I must say he wasn't very comfortable with it, but for some reason he stuck around! He has no idea that i'm in w/d because he thought that i had cleaned up . i did, for about ten days, then stupidly turned back and went in for more. He has no understanding of opiate addiction, thinking that when i cleaned up about 5 weeks ago, that i was cured or something. He didn't even acknowledge the hugeness of this for me. (I managed to clean up for about 6 weeks last year, but then as soon as i had just one taste, it was all back on.) So anyway, as is expected,all the emotional stuff i had been supressing for the last ten years began to rear it's ugly head again once i was clean. I couldn't deal with it alone and so one night after ringing up Drug and alcohol counsellors begging for help,("sorry we might be able to see you next week. We'll give you a call") i decided just to get wasted instead of face my emotions.Since then,i have been using nearly everyday. I hate that i am not being honest with my man, but he said in the beginning that he wasn't going to stick around if i was using. Originally he was a great reason for me to give it all up, but it wasn't as easy as that.( if only!) My last boyfriend left me and stated that my 'insincere and half hearted voicing of wanting to give up' was painful to watch. that made me feel like a right idiot. I don't want to lose another partner due to my addiction, but i am coming to realise that i can't do this on my own, I need fellow addicts to talk to. My privacy about being an addict, " a dirty junkie" is a big deal to me. NZ is a small place and i have a career to protect, so i am glad i found you guys. NA is not an option for me. Neither is residential treatment, slthough i sometimes wish i could go there. I'm really struggling here. i live in shame and fear of being found out. Sometimes i envy my other friends who can outwardly admit " I'm a jumkie!" Cos they are then able to access more support than i can. I suffer in silence and feel like one big fraud most of the time because of it. I also am quite a spiritual person, and am having this problem with karma too. I have it in my head that if i use then nothing will go right, and if i don't use, then it will all get better. One of the resons i relapsed last year is that life just DIDN'T get better by not using. In fact. it was harder. Obviously this way of thinking isn't right is it! oh well, that's all i have to say.
just like when we plant somthing it takes a season to grow.
a season is 3 months.
so when we say we reap what we sow, we have to be realistic
about how long it takes for things to come to frutation.
as addicts we are addicted to instant gratification.
we want thing s to happen yestersday.
things take time , patients is a virture.
patients is faith.
recaprocity -we reap what we sow is a principle,
if you plant corn you get corn, if you plant goodness you get goodness.
this topic started about derpression, something we all have
experence with, we learn not to pay to much attention to our feelings, because as addicts they always in the end tell us to kill our selves.
when we put down the drugs it takes months before we get past
depression, in the 1st few weeks it can be severe.
things like l-tyrosine help a lot, along with 5htp.
and some of us need meds like prosac or paxil.
as we stay clean things do get better, we just have to
folllow those who have gone before us and let them be our example.
peace!!!!!hippy
a season is 3 months.
so when we say we reap what we sow, we have to be realistic
about how long it takes for things to come to frutation.
as addicts we are addicted to instant gratification.
we want thing s to happen yestersday.
things take time , patients is a virture.
patients is faith.
recaprocity -we reap what we sow is a principle,
if you plant corn you get corn, if you plant goodness you get goodness.
this topic started about derpression, something we all have
experence with, we learn not to pay to much attention to our feelings, because as addicts they always in the end tell us to kill our selves.
when we put down the drugs it takes months before we get past
depression, in the 1st few weeks it can be severe.
things like l-tyrosine help a lot, along with 5htp.
and some of us need meds like prosac or paxil.
as we stay clean things do get better, we just have to
folllow those who have gone before us and let them be our example.
peace!!!!!hippy
Maybe if you are struggling with your addiction now would be the time to take it slow with a relationship. You should be really selfish right now and not be concerned about what others think. If you are serious about wanting to quit then do what it is going to take. Honesty is always the best policy and and deserve someone who accepts you for who you are. If you lie and cover up then it is you that loses in the end. Six weeks is not a long time and I really think that taking it slow and more importantly taking care of yourself and being honest is most important. Do not sell yourself short, and sell yourself out. Goodluck! Pammy
Hello!Most of you probally don't remember me but I've posted a few times.This time is different.Ok,I have been addicted to oxy's for 2 years now and I've tried desperatly to get off but never had much success.About 3 weeks ago I started getting the strangest feeling,like something was about to change.So me and my husband went to see an addictionologist and told him everything.He gave us clonidine and phenobarbital.I was like comatose that day, after I took this,I have a 5 year old to take care of so needless to say I could'nt cont' this.So back on pills I went (200-250mgs.aday)Then june 13 my world fell apart.My mother found out EVERYTHING!(I'M ONLY 22)She came over to my house took my daughter and refused to give her back untill I could pass a drug test.I was screwed!!So,I decided it was time to quit so I bought 3 and a half methadone wafers and took 1 every 24 hrs and I had no wd's and now it's been 5 days clean from everything but I feel so down.I don't know how to act.I feel like I'm learning to live all over agian.How do I get through this?I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to.I'm bored.Any advice or just someone to talk to would be great.My email address is ***@**** so long-Tobie
My advice although I am still on meds hang on it gets better. Find some outpatient group for support, and maybe see a doc about a depression med. Also Make yourself exercise and do stuff. You are in the time when the depression is bad and you starting to think why did I get clean so that I can be depressed all of the time? In no time you will be better but really it takes as long as it takes. Sounds like your mother in a harsh way really showed you how much she loves and cares about you and your family by giving out some tough love. I bet it was a hard thing for her to do but she did it because she loves you. Best of luck to you and I hope it all comes out ok. I think if you stay the course it will! Peace Pammy
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