Desperation

[Me1025]

Hi everyone, here I am again desperate and needing help. Those of you that know me know what I do professionally and to go into work has been of the utmost difficult situation and I don't know what to do. The other night I almost took and injected 500mg of fentanyl. These drugs and so many others are all around me and the thing i find most disturbing is that dose of fentanyl would more than likely kill me and I didn't even care, I no longer care. Since my CT detox I am in such a deep depression I no longer care, no longer have the will to live. I have lost everything over the yrs to drugs and know as I sit here I am in so much pain I just don't see a way out for me. I know if I went back to IV drug abuse that would be my death sentence, and although I've never taken meds from my work the temptation now is so great I'm scared. What do I do? Please anyone whom has any suggestions would be greatly appreciated,

[Me1025]

Yeah I'm finding it a bit harder than I thought it would be getting into treatment....they are soooo expensive. I know I cannot use that as an excuse, but my goodness. I don't think anyone at work is aware of my addiction but who really knows. I didn't post yesterday again because I was so upset, so utterly disgusted with myself, was in such a dark place, I couldn't even express my thoughts or feelings in words. It was a bad day, one I wasn't sure I'd make through, but here I am. Still in this dark place and I don't seem to be able to pull myself out of it.

[vicki595]

I could hug you Mel !!  I know how this must be for you but it could have gotten MUCH worse!

I was concerned when we didn't hear back from you yesterday.  One thing,be sure there's no indication at work of your activities or addiction.  The last thing you need is gossip...

I'm glad you're looking around for a place to go...do the work!  It will work for you! And keep posting in the meantime!!

[IBKleen]

Hi hun. I am so, so happy to hear that you are going into treatment. Please take all you can get from it. Get humble and let the professionals help you, okay? You are making a huge step in the right direction and I'm proud of you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

You are still in my prayers.

[Me1025]

Thank you everyone for your posts & comments. Currently working on getting into an inpatient rehab, think that is the best given my current situation. It has proven itself to be way more than I can handle on my own & given my occupation I no longer feel I am able to work & get sober.
Vicki595: yes I do realize how bad working on pills was & I do know how highly dangerous & addictive fentanyl is which is why I posted what I did. I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself for even contemplating doing it; a line I never thought I'd even dream of approaching. Which is why I have to take myself out of the situation for the time being. I think my mindset at the time was much more fatalistic, not so much looking for the high but for an escape.

[vicki595]

I do understand Mel. And I'll tell you this: The day I got high at work or even thought about it is the day I would turn my license over to a safe and check myself in somewhere. It's crossing that invisible line. I don't even like the fact that you did pills at work. You know how bad that is. I'm not judging you at all. I'm pointing out that this has gotten to a crisis point. And you're right. The only people who can understand are other addicts.  I'm not active in my addiction any longer but I know where the line is. You've crossed it. Even just thinking about it. You posted here because you know all this.  You need rehab. No question. Although you're not using at the moment (or are you?) you are no where near any sort of recovery. I'm afraid for you,your patients,and your co workers.  Sublimaze is highly abused in the hospitals...you need to stay away from there for awhile. If you ever got caught it would be the end of you. You need to do something today...

[Dav125]

You need to consider a change in your duties and get out of temptation ally Mel...Your in the middle of a mine field with an extreme emotional instability which to a large degree comes from the withdrawal process as this is a radical change of life style when one lets go of meds which had been the mainstay of functioning for such a long period of time...

Take a leave of absence and pursue getting well as Vicki and IB are suggesting is what you need to do..Being exposed to meds all around you is not good at this stage of the game..You caught yourself this time but might not be able to do so next time...This event ia a huge indicator of the struggle you have going on inside which is priority one right now...Getting that addressed.....This is too much too fast for you to handle..I see that written all in your words..Step back, take a break and get yourself some help with this...You know its the right thing to do...

[IBKleen]

Vicki is right, this is serious and I am very concerned for you. You need to step up that support and an outpatient program is as good a place as any to get it going.

Please, please listen to the advise and get help hun. It doesn't have to be like this. There is so much waiting for you out there and I know you can't see that right now so go on blind faith and stick around.

Let us know how you are doing.

[Me1025]

Yeah the whole legal aspect of it is what prevented me from doing it, but the fact that i even contemplated it scares the **** out of me. My sister knows, I told her and she wants me to go check myself into a psych ward or inpatient rehab. I don't want to go down this path, that why I posted it because I knew someone on here would understand because although my sis tries she doesn't understand the brain/impulses of an addict

[Me1025]

Thank you for youe kind words. I have dealt with depression for many yrs and am on meds for that, its just seems that it has gotten so much worse this last week. I have gone to NA meetings and have seen a psychiatrist....but of course its not going to get better over night. I have lost my smile, my hope. I'm just lost.

[vicki595]

Mel-

You need to take a leave from work immediately.  You have to and you know it.

Then,you need to get into an intense out patient program. They have programs that are daily for a number of weeks. I almost think you need in patient.  That's a bad thing you were thinking about.  If you didn't kill yourself you would have been in no shape to work.  You would have been arrested!!  Do you know that???

Don't work tonight. Call your sister and talk to her. Tell her what you did. You need help Sweetie and you need it right now!!

This is serious...Keep posting to us...

[IBKleen]

You DO care and you do want to live or else you would not have posted. Listen, depression is common following physical withdrawal and the good news is that there is help for it. There are many medications on the market today that could help you through this and there is surely no shame in taking them. I need to suggest that you get with your doctor ASAP and talk about it. In addition, I suggest that you find outside support. You are going through a lot right now and getting to the cure issues will help you to get in touch with your feelings and to learn to deal with them, cope if you will.

Sometimes I think because of our professions, we are our own worst enemies. It is time to stop self-diagnosing and allow someone to help you.

There is life after drugs hun and you deserve to have it. I want to see you hang around and I want to see you get help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.