Ugh, I took some pills :(

[MizDemeanor]

I havent been posting much at all, and after almost 2 months of being clean from 100-150 mg of opiates per day, I've taken 10, 5 mg pills two days this week. I am even more ashamed to admit that I took them out of my Mother's med cabinet without her knowledge. Ok that means i stole them from my OWN MOTHER. She had a bottle of 120 pills that was 3 months old, and still more than half full. I dont know why I did it, nothing has happened to make me upset or anything. I was just in her bathroom, I know she takes the pills occasionally, I opened the med cabinet and took 20 out. SHE will never know, but *I* know. I feel like total **** and now I have thought about asking my pain mgt doctor to refill my 10 mg pills. I know he will,  but I know if I do that, then I will be right back where I was....I so do not want to go there.
I really didnt want to "confess" but I felt like if I didnt, then I'm going to spiral off into where I was before. I know with my brain that I better not, but after taking  those pills, now I am considering how to get more. What the heck is wrong with me? I am so mad at myself but it didnt stop me from taking the pills or now wanting more! I thought I was past this, I havent had cravings in a while, and really I wasnt craving when I took those. I just all of a sudden did it. Now I feel like a horrible person for taking them from my Mom, she would have GIVEN them to me if I had asked. (she doesnt know about my addiction)
Has anyone else had this happen and how did you get past it? I'm really scared, ashamed, and disgusted with myself. Sorry to any of my friends who see this and feel disappointed. I wasnt going to tell but I know that I have a much better chance of NOT going further if I did. I'm just SICK and MAD at myself but mostly Im scared. :(

[Marce4]

Oh sweetie.....I am soooo in the same boat as you!  Don't waste your energy feeling guilty....just move forward and make good decisions.  No one can judge you harshly for what has happened....you have already judged yourself!  You know what to do to get back on track and while I can't say that what you did is okay.....I can say that it happens to most of us here....myself included!  We need to make better decisions in the future!
Peace and find your inner strength....you can do it.
Marcie

[Raj786]

I am dealing with the same thing just today friend but I was only 4 days clean.
When you truly become a junkie, a complete dope fiend, you do anything for drugs, that's how you have to make it for your recovery as well, be ready to go to any lengths to stay clean, if that means staying away from your mothers med cabinet or not meeting a particular person, or not listening to a particular song, going to a particular place or whatever it is for you.
that's the only way to do it, go to any lengths to stay clean...

[corey411]

I did the same thing after 3 months clean. Feeling good is actually a trigger for me...holidays, first nice days of the summer which is right now special events. I feel good and that seems to trigger wanting to feel real good. You have been really strong knowing that the pills were there and not taking them before. Addiction makes us do all kinds of things we never would have done before and leaves us ashamed. Feeling ashaimed and let down will leave us feeling worthless and wanting to use all the more. Just try to get right back up and move forward and learn as much as you can from this.. How were you feeling that was different from previous times that you could have done the same thing. As I'm starting to feel good at week 3 and it's nice out and I.m going on vacation next week I know that I am very vulnerable right now and can use even wo cravings. I am doing alot of meditation and deep breathing....stopping and trying to focus my thinking on my addictive natutr when I know that I am going to be around pills. Best of luck to you.

[Greatgreebo]

Tomorrows a new day-look forward not back.
We all f*ck up on occassion-it happens. Take a deep breath and let it go.  
Hopefully you are getting some shuteye.
Stay strong,
Greatgreebo

[MizDemeanor]

Thanks alot, Kimmie. I really kind of feel like Ive been run over by a truck LOL. Guess it serves me right! I dont think telling my mom would help, shes June Cleaver remember, and she would be VERY freaked out and would want me commited to rehab and it would be a huge family drama.Its a good idea that my son could use if he had to (ie he could tell me), but my parents dont know the diffeernce in a joint and crack. I hope someday when Im clean a long time I can tell her.
Worried, thanks for your note too. I wish I knew if there would ever be a time that it wouldnt be a temptation, but my actions this week showed me its NOT now..not for me, anyway.
Im really going to try to go to bed now. Ive been too hyper to sleep so far but its 2:30 so maybe I can now?

[kimmieb]

you are forgiven!  don't beat yourself up any more than you already have....i think you've been hard enough on yourself....you know what you have to do and where you need to go from here....so that is a good sign....you're not already looking to find more pills....you're looking to just hop back on and continue right on from where you left off....i think it's the taking the pills from your mom that has you most distraught right now....even moreso than actually TAKING them.....what would happen if you told her?  would that just make things worse?  would you fall apart?  would it open a can of worms?  maybe it's an option....maybe not....but whichever, i think it sounds like you're gonna be fine....you're more educated and researched now....you've read up on PAWS....you're on the right road again....congratulate yourself for that....and for how dang far you've already come....farther than alot of us here right now...you still have everyone's support....tomorrow is another day! :-)

[worried878]

I dont think u will have bad physical WDs if anything...mentally doing this kind of stuff really stifled me tho,,,took a week or so to feel ok again mentally....keep posting and now the pills are gone...perhaps one day we can reach the point where pills lurking in other peoples cabinets will not tempt us....anyone out there at this point yet?   just curious....like if i walked in my kitchen and someone left them here or something...fictional of course... could I ever just leave them be?

[MizDemeanor]

Well, I read the PAWS articles and OMG that is so me! Why I wasnt smart enough to do more research in the beginning I dont know. Oh well that is past and I need to be smarter this time. I'd just like to tell anyone who is reading this that if you havent read the PAWS articles, please do so. I dont want you to have my same experience.
Thanks for the support. I'm going to bed and hope I can sleep. I feel like such a loser. Tomorrow is another day (as Scarlett O'Hara says) I do not have any more pills and since I didnt take that many for my tolerance level, I hope I dont have any physical w/d's but if I do, I deserve it.
Thanks for pointing me to the Health pages and for not judging me or ridiculing me for being an idiot. I hope everyone has a good rest of the night.

[MizDemeanor]

Thanks for the prompt responses. Avis, no there are no more, I took them. (20  5 mg pills) I took them in 2 days, so it was about half what I used to take per day. Oddly enough, I didnt really get all that high and felt kind of sick to my stomach, but did that stop me from taking the other 10? NOPE. Egads I feel so trashy for lack of a better term. Especially for the way I got the pills. My mom is like June Cleaver, she would never even suspect that someone would DO that, especially not her only daughter.
I think the guilt of taking the pills from my mom outweighs the guilt of actually taking the pills, even though I do feel really guilty for that too.
I dont really have any aftercare, but I am going to do what helped me stop to start with. Im going to POST instead of getting too cocky that Im "fine now". Apparently I wasnt FINE at all.
Eagle, thanks my friend for reminding me about PAWS. I really just stopped and went through the physical w/d's, hung around and posted for a few weeks more, then when I stopped posting and/or thinking about it, that is when I hit my lowest point and just spontaneously helped myself to my Moms pills.
I should know better, and I DO know better but it didnt stop me. I DO NOT want to go back to that addictive place where Im always out of it and worrying about the next refill. I know right now its critical for me to remember that and stay AWAY from any more pills.
I know Im rambling, sorry. Thanks again for the responses and I am sorry for being a disappointment to those who have helped me ....Please dont give up on me and I am trying my best to remember that I DO NOT want to go back. I hate these pills and how they have turned me into some kind of monster. I know I have to take my own responsibility for what I did. I hope I dont sound too whiny or like Im having a pity party, because in reality Im just sick and mad at myself.
Thanks again guys. I'm going to go read the PAWS stuff. Have a good night.
Peace~

[Flutterby111]

JOin the club-wait no, bad advice.....I did too....isn't it awful?  Only two days for you though sister.....That's a very managable situation.  YOu know we do not judge, as most of us have been down that road before....good luck sweetheart.  Don't let the beast win!!!!!  

[cathy5841]

that is the nature of addiction.  it lies in wait until it catches us at a weak moment and strikes.  now the mental issues you have to deal with are a kicker.  BUT, you do have the choice to stop here and learn from this experience and move forward.  or you can end up right where you fought to come from.  so please say no more and get back on track.  you know we are here to help you jump this hurdle.  i hope you make the right choice
cathy

[avisg]

hun, ok are they all gone if not they need to have a date with your toilet . Time to brush yourself off and move forward ,are you getting any aftercare , if not think it would really help ,in times like this you will have a support system to help you out.I had a three week relapse in sept ,so I know where you are right now, It did not take me long to figure out if I kept it up I would be right back in the same boat .I used enough to have to go back threw WD which of course s u c  ked just as much as when I used for months. I am here if you need to talk.
avis

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

We need more communication on here about the PAWS aspect of this addiction. Many people think that its all over once the w/d's stop - sorry. Depending on your history you may have strong triggers and cravings for anywhere from 6-18 months post use....you made the right choice by posting...check out paws on lower right of page in most searched category and then read it. We need to educate (but not scare) more people about what to expect here....but quiting use is the first part....watch your nutrition and give your body the tools to repair as fast and efficiently as possible - I think avisg will help you out nutritionally.  Good luck - - stick with it....