Doing reasonably well considering my usual habit, but here come the speed bumps...help

[jessiekauai]

Hi, So I'm back again. I started a new thread, because this is concerning a different issue. I have calmed my usual addiction down A LOT! I was taking up to 20 a day, and now it's like 2 Lortabs a day. This is a crazy beast I'm fighting, but it has been harder the last couple of days. I recently (like 2 days ago) got a abscess under my bridge in my mouth. I don't know if any of you have ever had this...but omg, the pain is crazy. I don't have dental insurance, so the first day I was just taking all the over the counter meds I could. I took the two Lori's, and the pain went away. I was tricked my this. This morning I wake up to the second most terrible pain I had ever had in my life. Again, no dental insurance...by the end of today, I was at the ER. I knew I needed antibiotics, so I got some of those. He also gave me a shot of toroidal (sp?), and that helped so much for the pain. I know it isn't a narcotic, but man did it ever help. I've had set backs also, because of all the stress that is going on with my kids. I'm making progress, but it seems to be taking forever. How can you get by and continue to quit when you have something like a abscess?  And, how the hell did I manage to get one now?

On a happier note, I have a job interview...pray for me. I really need the job.

[laurel453]

at any drug store .... go for the best quality, the cheapest are usually crap. Pattifan says valerian tincture is best. Anyway, it is not habit forming .And one warning:  they smell quite awful !good luck with them, i hope they will work for you too :)

[jessiekauai]

Where can I get valerian root?

[laurel453]

Jessie.... i will go for the good news... congrats on your job :) congrats on how things are little by little going the right way ... keep the good work you are doing on your recovery and counting clean days, as the doctor has told some pain was expected, there is also the rebound pain that people here talk about, soon after detoxing there is a slight increase of the pain but it will get better in some days :) congrats about the house , i hope you will find the one you want for your children :) congrats on you having your family support,.. hey it seems things are looking better for you ! i only wish that you have your children back as soon as possible too :)

and about the anxiety natural remedy, i took valerian root and it did help me, you can give it a try

[jessiekauai]

Well, I have good and bad news to report. I always like to go with the bad first, I slipped up and took 3 loratabs. I hate how weak I was. I feel horrible. It happened yesterday. I have been so busy handling things with the custody stuff, jobs, and the house. I was really truly in a lot of pain in my back, but that doesn't excuse it. Nothing excuses it. I called my doctor, and he said he thinks the pain is stemming from me not using my back muscles after my surgery. He said now I am moving around more, the muscles are getting tugged on. He also said it was to be expected, because I've had those muscles cut through twice. I told him I didn't want to take the pain meds, that I was trying to get off of them completely. He prescribed soma for the muscle aches....which has helped. I am adamant not to take the damn pills anymore. When I think about the slip up, I feel worthless. Oh, and does anyone know of anything herbal that I can take for anxiety/stress. I realize it may be normal to be stressed with everything I am going through, but sometimes it has gotten unbearable. I'm fighting with my bf, and crying sometimes. I just feel like I need to get all these things done to get my children out of the hell hole they are living in. I think of it every second of every day. My bf doesn't understand, because he doesn't have children. I guess I need to find someone to talk to who understands.

And now the good news, I haven't slipped up since. Of course that's good news, but we also have found a couple of houses that we have in mind of possibly buying. My in laws are such wonderful people to help us out. I can't believe they are buying us a house. Of course, we will have to pay them back....but only about 500 a month until we get caught up. We would not have been able to do this without them. I am so thankful to have them in my life. I'm also so very, very thankful to have my family backing me up with this court thing. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. They could have just said no. I am beginning to realize how much people love me, and how much I love them. My family means the world to me.

[jessiekauai]

Well, i got the job!!!! Holy c r a p, I got the job. I start tomorrow. I also have more good news, my bf's parents are going to buy us a house. We are going to pay them what we would in rent per month until it's paid off. Can you believe it? I'm so excited. So much had gone wrong for me for so long, and now so much is going right. So that's the good news....

The semi bad news is I still haven't gotten a court date for my kids. Tomorrow will be a week since I signed the paperwork. I don't know what is taking so long. The situation is getting worse with my ex-mother in law. She's so ugly to me when I call to talk to the kids on the phone. I can't imagine how my children feel having to hear her talk bad about their mother on a daily basis. I know if someone says something to my mother, I would lose it. They must feel horrible. Plus with their father being in jail they are alone with none of their parents. They really love their dad too. I have two other children, and they want to see their brother and sister too. It is killing me. Oh, and I don't know how I'll respond to working without the pills. I'm afraid. It seems like I have so much to do, because now I have to house shop too. I've never taken on such big tasks without pills since I was really young. I'm worried that cravings will kick up. Anyone else ever feel like this?

[laurel453]

WOOHOOO i am SOOO HAPPY for you, jessie :)  you really needed some good news after all the hard working you are doing to turn your life and get back your children :)

don't say you might lose it... don't get discouraged for whatever happens because the way you are working and changing things will pay off and  you will finally be reunited with all your children,... have faith :)

[jessiekauai]

Update time! I have some good news. I got another job interview for more full time work. I had the interview today, so I still don't know what the outcome will be. I'm hopeful though. My bf also just bought and paid cash for a SUV for me to have for the kids and me. It's really nice, and I'm so happy. I haven't had my own vehicle in so long. The independence it has given me is great. I was able to drive myself to my interview this morning. I finally felt like things are getting back to normal. Now that I'm off the pills, I can see more things for some reason. There was a little old lady at the Dollar Store the other day. The poor thing couldn't manage to get her buggy up that little bump where the parking area was. So, I did it for her. By the time I had finished shopping, I had decided that I wanted to adopt her. Of course, I couldn't; but I couldn't help but notice that her ugly a s s daughter was just sitting in her car not helping her mother. What a wonderful daughter!!!!

We also have some prospects on the home/apartment front. We found a house that is in my kids school district. It's expensive, but I guess we will cut corners until we have the money for it. I hope it goes through. I still haven't seen the kids, and I swear it's taking forever to get my court date. Every now and then, I wish I could just take a pill for the stress. I miss them, and they miss me so much. They keep saying how much they want to come home....I feel so bad about not being there in the past.

My nephew's mother is addicted to meth....with that being said, when she's not on drugs...she is a bad mother. When I have my other two children (I have them today.) I spend tons of time with them. We paint, watch cartoons, play games, and I go to their football games. She just ignores him. He said this morning when I was playing with my boys, "I miss my mom." He's only 7. I feel so bad for him. So, I'm spending as much time as I can with him too. My brother is working tons to keep a roof over him and his son's head...so he's busy usually. Thankfully, my mom is a GREAT grandmother, so the little boy is with us today.

Ya'll please pray for me for everything to work out. If I don't get my other two....I might just lose it.

God Bless everyone,
Jessica

[gnarly_1]

HEY Jessie.....well your making forward progress I have 5 kids most are raised and out of the house just have one 17yr old son at home now but I cant imagine the stress your under trying to get yours back....we had a daughter become a meth/crack addict and lost her to the ward of the state for a wile...had to jump threw a million hoops to get her back to so I can relate to the court and all the stress that comes from that.....the main thing here is to take care of yourself.....your clean now you want to stay that way and it takes work you need to find constitutive ways of dealing with stress...prayer helps me...just knowing theirs a loving God out there that is ultimately in control brings me comfort I know your real bizzy right now but if you could find an hr or so to hit a meeting it would really help out with your recovery
I wish you all the luck in the world getting your family back together ...God bless....Gnarly  

[jessiekauai]

Well, I had a job interview today...but sadly the work is only very part time. I need the job though to get the kids. So, I'm taking it. I'm gonna do whatever it is I need to do. Lot's of anxiety that I won't get done what I need to get done lately. I realize now what the pills where hiding. I'm out and about more, and i worry about everything. I can't sleep, but I never could. I just worry that if I don't get the kids, I will lose it. So, I'm so stressed about everything. I wish there was a more regular place to blog here.

[jessiekauai]

I'm going to try to pull it all through somehow. It's just so stressful. I feel like the days keep passing by, and I'm getting nothing done. ughhhhhhh! Oh well, I can't quit...I must push on.

[laurel453]

oh jessie...I am so sorry, you are showing such a strenght and this is distressing and destiny is not fair sometimes, ...but... you can not get desperate now after how much you are fighting for them to be with you , can't you talk to your attorney or someone to delay the court date explaining the circunstances and that your house to be has been burnt, can't you ask for a little bit more time due to this ?

[jessiekauai]

I have been hearing for years that I'm such a mean person. The truth is, it is much easier to be mean and shut people out. I'm trying to work on it, but it's so hard without pills. I always say I'm not mean, I'm honest. If you can't handle the truth then don't deal with me. Seems like karma has reached out and touched me lately. It has been one thing after another. Last friday, I put a deposit down on a larger place for me and my kids. I called today to make sure everything was on the up and up, but guess what? A damn fire burnt the building. I s h i t you not!!!! Now, I have no clue as to how I'm going to come up with the extra 500 dollars they are needing elsewhere for a much larger deposit. My court date is coming up for me to get my kids back, and I don't know what I am going to do if I don't have a three bedroom by then. God send me a miracle.

[gnarly_1]

good to see you post and im happy for you its ok to air out your feelings here keeping them bottled up keeps us sick......Gnarly

[jessiekauai]

I feel tired, a little stressed; but nothing bad. I NEVER want to go through wd's again. I do have a lot going on. I'm determined not to let it crush me. thanks so much.

[laurel453]

jessie, you have a lot on your plate and you are doing the best, taking care of you first and trying to find answers...good luck now with the wds and congrats on your 2nd day..how are you feeling today ? :)

[Beccabeccalynn]

Toridal is great stuff I request it when in the ER it usually helps and I don't want the narcoticts it is tough on the liver and that's why they don't send you home with a bottle. Great stuff and it's a bit warm when it goes inthe iv and tricks my brain into thinking I got some good something somthing  
Becca

[gnarly_1]

HEY Jessica glad to here your doing so well keep pushing forward it sounds like you beat most of the withdrawals with your taper just be ready for the mental part to kick in
it can be an emotional time for a wile aftercare is the key to success good luck and God bless....Gnarly

[jessiekauai]

I'm feeling better, and no pills for two days now!!! I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms this time. I guess for me the anxiety is the worse. I have a lot of crap going on, but I am making progress on all fronts, so that is making me feel a little better. When I was on tons of pills I would say, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. The past week, I did most of those things.

As for the abscess, good god! I am still in a little pain, but taking Tylenol for it. My gums feel like I'm teething. Weird!!! I also have a lot of self worth rapped up in the way I look. I've always been pretty, and I'm not being vain. I kind of think I have been addicted to the attention I got from men. It has ruined lots of relationships. I should get a therapist.

Again, thank you all so much!!!


Jessica

[gnarly_1]

hi Jessie I have been following your story and thanks for sharing about your life
I am the father of 5 4 of my own and one we took in off the street as a teen
being a parent is a lot of responsibility it comes with a lot of stress...I was a functioning
addict I use to put 50hr weeks in and stayed in the top 5% of my sales team but when the evening came my back pain was excruciating so I would pop the pills 6 to 8 at a time
more if I had them...I was running from both physical pain and emotional pain I stayed numb for 16 1/2 yrs so I know where vyour coming from...I just want to encourage you to take the jump and go for it...you done all the damage control you can by tapering your habit was long kinda like mine so you got some withdrawals to go threw but YOU CAN DO THIS...just remember this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental be ready to fight on both fronts try to have what the thomas recipe says to have on hand...out of everything I think a hot bath is the most soothing dont under estimate this therapy I take it you already are having some sleep issues be ready for more sleep is hard to come by when your doing this...rent some movies so you got something to do will you up at night...and get comfortable with the saying.."you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile" your already experiencing some withdrawals on such a low dose just know this is temporary and it will pass in a few days...go into it with a positive attitude this will do more then any one single thing you can do and pray if you believe in God it mad a difference for me...I wish you the best of luck on your journey back ....God bless......Gnarly            

[jessiekauai]

Yeah, from 20 to 2...I am really trying, but it is super hard with everything I am going through. I wish i would have never picked up a pill. I remember it like it was yesterday...when I started liking the feeling. So, I'm going to be completely honest here....tell me if this isn't normal...

After my first child was the first time I took pain pills, and boy did I need them. I had my son at 17, and split horribly...if you know what I mean. I took the pills and enjoyed them...no biggie. I didn't go for more, or call for a refill. It was just over. I later got pregnant for my daughter at 18. I remember thinking that I would get those good pills after....that thought, helped me through my labor for my daughter. Is that crazy or what? After that I just kept taking them. Before long, I was 21 with four children. My mother was on crack at the time, and I ended up with a blood clot, my husband was offshore all the time working, and I was alone. I needed the boost so badly. I was so stressed with no help.  Jesus Christ, that is the first time I have ever said this. Now that I'm looking back at it with a 13 year old daughter...what did my family expect to happen? I was a kid. This is making me sad. I guess that's life. I want to thank everyone who has helped me on this site. This has become a place for me to get real with it. No one else wants to hear the facts. My family wants the truth nice and warm on a platter with syrup. I guess it's to protect them.


Jessica

[happypill]

wow... from 20 a day to 2 a day? thats great!!! sorry about your dental problems though and didnt mean to hijack the thread... but from 20 to 2? thats awesome.....

[laurel453]

oh girl, it seems we all have quite a lot of dental problems here....as you have experienced there are some stuff to help with pain that is not narcotic..ibuprofen can help you too but the pain from infections is quite unbearable so i hope the antibiotics will start working soon , jessie

good luck with th einterview :)