Don't know how to get out of this mess

[dempseysgirl]

Hi guys, I have been reding these posts for some time and I like the support people get here.. I am 33 years old, have two jobs and I am also working on my bachelors degree. I have lot on my plate, but I have always been that way and I like challenge. I have money, great house, love of a amazing boyfriend of 6 years who wants to marry me and I am dying inside.. I hate myself for putting my beautiful relationship and love of my life before these stupid pills. I was a heroin addict when I was 17. I was just a kid and dealers with that stuff exploded in my small home town.. lot of kids have died.. but I didn't and because of my great support system I went to rehab for 2 months, I left town.. and I never went back to that stuff again.. This was back in Europe.. back home.. Fast forward 20 years and I am living my American dream, I have everything I want.. and I get hooked on oxys.. I cannot believe that it has happened to me again.. I have always "joked around" with few lines of coke or crystal.. but for years, I always did just few and than stopped for a year or two.. I always had control.. Three months ago girl at my work offered some norco and I went for it.. "Damn I work so hard, I deserve little release, right?" "I always know how to stop with everything.. so why not?" Before you know it, I started to buy oxy from her and now I am addicted..  I cannot believe how stupid I was thinking that I will not get hooked. My future mother in law visited after I was taking pills about a month and we went for a trip.. I just took some sleeping pills with me and I got over the withdrawalls so easy.. I felt bad pretty much only on day 3, when I ran out of sl. pills and stared at the ceiling all night with restless leg sindrome.. What do you think.. as soon as I got back, I started again.. thinking.. oh well, it will be just as easy next time.. It's NOT.. I am hooked much more and worse, I cannot go through withrawalls because my boyfriend will NOT understand and he will never believe me again. I cannot tell him. He knows about  my problem when I was 17 and it will scare him to death that I started again. He will never believe me again.. our relationship is based on trust.. I cannot brake that trust.. I know you guys are going to tell me to tell him, but that's NOT an option. I bought some Kratom capsules and tramadol and I want to tapper down.. Do any of you have an experience with Kratom? Can you really tapper down by taking just Kratom?

[dempseysgirl]

I have taken Kratom this past weekend, because we went for a camping trip and I did not want to take any oxys.. I took Kratom, but I also took two 100mg pills of Tramadol. I took 5 caps of Kratom  and the Tramadol - 2X and I was OK, except I woke up at 5 am each day sweating and shaking and that's when I had to take the tramadol.. Kratom does not make me high.. it takes the WTHDRWL away somewhat and it makes me sleepy. I think that I will be able to function on Kratom only after few weeks, without anyone noticing that I am not well.. and than taper down from that too..

[dempseysgirl]

I know.. I just have been use to taking care of myself, my family, and all problems around me.. myself..Before I met my boyfriend, I have never been with anyone that I could count on.. just myself. I guess I am too much use to being independent.. I am use to taking care of things.. it's hard to let go of that..  You are right.. I need to learn to "give in" and ask for help.. I have one friend.. actually. She is a school teacher.. teaches little kids and kids with dissabilities. I have known her since I came to America 13 years ago, but I have not been a very good friend to her lately, because I am working all the time. I think she would understand.. I'll take her for lunch and try to approach her with my problem.. I know she will not tell anyone. I know I can trust her.. Maybe it will be easier if at least someone knows. I can talk to her and maybe she will help a little with holding myself accountable, since she will share my progress with her.. what do you think? Good idea or bad?

[vicki595]

It seems you need to keep a lot of things from your boyfriend...not judging here; just an observation. Wouldn't it be better to have someone to share this with who wouldn't get mad at you?

Have you taken Kratom before?

[dempseysgirl]

Hi :-),

I know you think that what I take is not a lot and that my Wthrwlls should be over real easy, but I tried just 1.5 day and I was really sick.. it was obvious that something was wrong with me.. I wish I had a 9-5 job and could just take fri, sat, sun off , say I have a flu, and get better, but I have two jobs and I go to school.. full time. I work 7 days a week selling real estate, so mostly weekends out with clients, weekdays I manage transactions and write papers for school and I work 3 nights a week from 7:30 pm till 2 or 4 am. I have to have two jobs, because I support my disabled father and broke mother with grandmother in care.. and my boyfriend doesn't even know.. If he knew how much money I give my family, he would freak out.. but it's my mom and my dad.. how can I say NO? I am sorry I am dumping all this stuff on you all, but I just have no one to tell all of this to.. Because of my crazy schedule, I have no friends.. I just work and study all the time.. maybe that's the reason why I gave in to these "devil's pills", what bama88 called it. Thank you guys for listening..

[dempseysgirl]

Hi,
Thank you for all your advise! I wanted to ask you reg. your post earlier..  What did you mean by "The dos is the worst. I got a hold of restirole for that." I am sorry, I don't understand the short cuts :-). What is "dos"? and what is the restirole for?
Thank you :-)

[dempseysgirl]

Hi,

Thank you about your advise on the Tramadol.. I was not sure but I thought that there may be something about it that is "off.." because I saw people posting about being addicted to Tramadol and mentioning that the WTHRWL form those are really bad.. I will not take the Tramadol. I will start with quarter of oxy in the am and quarter in the PM.. I'll do that for two weeks and try to go to just a quarter  in the morning and 4 caps of Kratom in the evening.. After two more weeks, I'll go to only Kratom.. two in the am and two in the pm.. Hopefully I will not feel too bad that people at work and my boyfriend will not be able to tell I am sick.. I will be posting on here and thank you guys all for your support!! I have cried so much today when I wrote these posts.. It feels so good to be able to tell someone.. someone that understands.. :-)