Endeavor to Persevere

n8tiv_ndn

Greetings to all......I feel like I need to get this out there even though I am so embarassed and angry. I was 3 days into my detox as some of you are already aware..and this morning my uncle came over to pay me some money he owed me and instead of money he brought pills!!!! I waas probably at my weakest point in my detox and so, albeit begrudgingly,I took them and yes I took some of them so I have fallen off the horse yet again!! I am so angry with myself (and my uncle) for allowing this addiction to win again....I had to go and delete my addiction tracker...that was really painful.....and here I go having to start at this again......my apologies to all of you who have been so kind to offer your advice and words of encouragement, I feel like such a loser..I'm gonna go do some serious soul searching here....as I must "Endeavor to Persevere"...peace.......

n8tiv_ndn
Mark

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4slenderthread

Believe me when I tell you - like so many others here have said - you are not a loser! Don't make the mistake of judging your self-worth or your struggle for sobriety on how you FEEL. If you allow your emotions to lead you, they will take you here, there and everywhere ... especially now that you are fighting this battle to get clean. I went through something quite similar a few years back. I went into rehab because I had been on drugs/narcotics for chronic pain for years, nearly 10 of them. I wanted to get clean so I could determine what my pain level had become. The rehab facility used suboxone to wean patients off whatever they were addicted/dependent on. I was only there a week, and I sept through most of it. When I came home I was anxious and irritable. The rehab place had given me absolutely no information or skills in regards to what to expect from post-rehab. Looking back at the experience now, it truly makes me angry because I can't imagine how anyone could have stayed clean after being in that place. The two doctors than owned the facility were only in it for the money. No one could possibly convince me otherwise! Several days later, I ended up going back into rehab at a well known area hospital. I had begun going through withdrawls. Due to a complete lack of information from the first rehab; I was very confused. I thought I was supposed to be 'cured' already. The second rehab place sent me home with suboxone and told me to locate a doctor that prescribed it, a.s.a.p. When I came here to medhelp I learned about the nature of suboxone - it was quite addictive, I was very upset. I didn't understand the reason for getting me off one narcotic only to put me on another! I nearly weaned myself myself off the suboxone when I withdrawls became seriously difficult. Well ... that's when my oldest daughter came over to see how I was doing. She also happens to have back pain like I do. She saw how I was and then dug her methadone out of her purse and 'made' me take them. Obviously, I didn't fight off what she was offering and it happened on more than one occasion. I recall crying like a baby because I was so-o disappointed and disgusted with myself. Sound familiar?? Granted, the methadone got me off the suboxone. ... I got myself off the methadone, cold turkey. After being on 10mg. daily for @ 18 months I just stopped taking it, period. I was scared to death about what I would go through, but oddly enough I had no withdrawls whatsoever - I know now just how fortunate I was... but it took me 3 tries at it before I could finally claim my sobriety! I understand, all too well, how you are feeling - but what's done is done. Beating yourself up isn't going to change what's over and done. Don't drag this mistake around with you. Getting clean is difficult enough - you don't need to punish yourself because you made a wrong choice. Just hold onto one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to get you yet another day of sobriety! Mark you came here and owned up to what happened. That couldn't have been easy - in fact, I see it as a very brave act. I hope that you will give yourself a break. Please, while you work at your recovery, be kind and patient with yourself. You will need both to keep yourself clean, because being drug free IS both an act of kindness and self worth! Here you will be understood because we have either done it ourselves or have experience with someone that has. I have seen my own 'story' (countless times!) in the posts left here at medhelp. Although we are all uniquely different people - our addiction(s) are not. At it's core, addiction is just not that complex. You are fighting for the quality of the rest of your life! You CAN do this Mark. No matter what, keep coming back here and let us know how you are getting along, okay?? Take care Mark!

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minn66

Oh Mark, you sound like such a kind and gentle soul. I am glad you got to spend time with your family. I love nature too and find when I can be outside walking, or, working in the in the yard and garden, that I feel better. Although we live in a subdivision there is a strip of woods next to our house. Early in the morning I can see and hear lots of birds, watch rabbits and squirrels play and there is even a beautiful red fox and his mate who come drink from our water feature. I lived in the country on a farm until I got divorced several years ago. I felt so lost when I had to live in an apartment. I am very thankful I found this tiny little condo and still have a little piece of country in my life. I am sorry for rambling, but your post hit home with me because I understand your feelings of being lost and out of place.

Take care and God bless,

Minn

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n8tiv_ndn

gnarly....your honesty and sincerity is above question you have made a great many people see the right way to get this done and I respect that....
i will take your suggestion on aftercare into my own council and see if it might not work for me.....I'm really bad in groups...always feel like I am out of place unless I am back in South Dakota around my Indian relatives and you can;t even imagine the hard times and abuse and od's and suicide amongst the youth of my people it is very disheartening...I have to win my battle so maybe I can help others......the Indian people need some help.....peace my brother your words are taken to heart.....

pilamaye kola.......dok sha

n8tiv_ndn
Mark

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gnarly_1

HEY Dude ......not to many of us would have been able to pass up that kind of temptation 3 days into a detox so dont beat yourself up.....just use this as a learning experience
and know just how powerful your enemy is......look at the bright side you not using now you have regained your composure time to move on pick your self up .....dust yourself off put one foot in front of the other and walk this thing out YOU CAN DO THIS it just going to take some work If I where you I would get involved with aftercare right away it will help you and give you a support system there is no substitute for human interaction N/A is where I started out it works if you work it give it a shot we all wasnt to see you get well and all are offering up advise on how to do this we have been in your shoes good luck and God bless........Gnarly

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n8tiv_ndn

Hey snake....I had a very good day....spent it with my 2 daughters and both grandchildren...we walked out in nature and spent some time down at the creek...I guess bein' an old Indian i just feel more calm and together when out with the Earth Mother she soothes me as does all of nature....I will win this war...I may have more battle scars when I'm done but that's ok.....thank you for the concern and compassion and wise words they truly help and mean a lot....peace....

pilamaye kola...

n8tiv_ndn
Mark

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snakejones

Hi again, Mark. I hope your day went well and that you went to bed tonight feeling better about things. I thought of you all day. I am praying for your physical and emotional comfort tonight while you sleep. Have a good Sunday, being mindful of the simple joys and blessings that are part of each day and giving thanks for them. I am thinking of you and wishing you the very best---Margaret

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n8tiv_ndn

Bkitty...thanks for the reply....and I do know and I will continue my battle....I spent the day with my two daughters and my grandson and granddaughter...it was a really good day....it helped to remind me of one of the most important reasons to win this war.....I have done a lot of thinking since this happened and I have only taken 2 pills in 12 hours so I am treating as it was part of my taper.....I am striving to not take the remaining few.......but at the very least no more than 1 per 12 hours and then back to the biginning of the circle.....but with renewed resolve and determination....thank you for your support....peace.....

pilamaye kola....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark

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