Failure...

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

This is all I can bring to call myself all day everyday.  Why is my family not enough? Why does my brain have to be wired like this??? Why is this so hard? Why...... Why.... ???

[hurtinanddone]

I could probably write a book on failures, I've fought addiction for over 30 yrs. no matter what I always pick myself up and try again. harm reduction is not a good idea. tried to make myself believe I could but turned out to be another excuse not to stop and here I am.

[Kbusymom]

I am rooting for you.  It is so hard,bit it's so worth it.  I agree that tapering just prolongs the process; rip off the band aid and surrender.  We are all here for you.  Keep posting and sharing; it gets so much better.  Sending prayers.  

[Sonrissa]

Great post, and advice Nurse Girl! You can do this 3Xs! It's time for you to take control of your situation and life. Yes, it's hard, but it's the only way. Take care!

[nursegirl6572]

I agree that tapering just isn't an option for a lot of addicts, only a small percentage of addicts can be successful with a taper.  For one, like others have said, it kind of prolongs the agony, and it keeps you mentally obsessed (even more so) with the pills.  It makes the mental aspect worse.  It's kind of like a mental crutch, hanging onto those pills as long as you can, because the other option is scary.  There is that constant anticipatory anxiety about what happens at the next dosage reduction, or when you jump off.  With CT, of course there is anxiety when you flush the pills and know you are done, but it's kind of like ripping off a band-aid....just a quick pain and onto the healing.

You HAVE to cut your sources, be honest with your docs, pharmacies, wherever your sources are coming from, you have to dump them or you will continue to be at risk for relapse.  Why make things harder for yourself?  You have to set up as many road blocks as possible.

You can do this.  Formulate a new plan, and stick to it, no ifs ands or buts...no excuses.  There will ALWAYS be a reason (excuse) to use...always something you're battling or dealing with.  It isn't the answer.  Using doesn't fix those problems, in fact, it ends up making them worse, doesn't it?

Your plan to "get back on track with a taper", in MY opinion is just another way your addict brain has determined to hang onto those pills.  THAT isn't a solid plan, because it involves the same method that has led you to fail in the past.  If it didn't work before, it's not going to work again.  Time to really bite the bullet and do whatever it takes.  Of course it will stink and it won't be easy, but it's 100% possible.  Just think of a few months from now, when you're FREE from the chains of those pills, and you're getting back to being "you"!  Isn't that just an amazing thought?  

Keep your eye on the prize, and of course you know you have your MH family here cheering you on!  Keep posting, no matter what you have to say.  Your friends here will give you honest advice, won't sugar coat the truth, but most importantly, want you to succeed so much....we're all pulling for you.  YOU have to "pull" for you too sweetie!

You're in my thoughts!

[weaver71]

Many have to bite the bullet and just CT. There's a lot ignf time to mess up in a long taper. Sometimes a dnshort severe agony is easier with the light at the end of the tunnel. Something needs to change, just a matter of figuring out what. You're no failure, but a work in progress. You will get where you em want to be. Never stop growing, surrender to the process.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Ugh!

[jrod311]

Slow your taper what got me was I commited to a steady taper. When you tapper too fast yoir doomed to fail. Its ok to hold at a dose fot some time befor making another push.. I have felt like you toomm it will pass.. tapering dose is not the only strategy. . Putting more time between doses counts too..

[rowdyRed]

Im feeling this too. Gotta keep our heads up. I know itll take a while but, we will make it out alive. Trying to gain strength through all these guys...they're my only support most days. And they have kept me focused on getting better & staying that way. I probably need to hear this, maybe u do too. Praying for u

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Funny how in this room of family and loved ones, I'm coming here for advice and help. I love my family to the depths of my heart. But right now I'm loving you guys too. Thanks for taking time out of your holiday and your family to tend to me.
I have felt very worthless lately. It's such a struggle. Ya know? This whole thing is just so defining. I mean how do you repair your brain? How do I rewire my thinking? I want to be the best me and I truly want to put the effort in to do, but this whole thing makes it so easy to get derailed. Your thoughts wander and poor decisions are made so quickly. I want to be able to make good decisions and cope and grow. I want so badly to be....better...

[Sonrissa]

I'm so glad to hear from you, and that you are not going to give up! You can be honest here! No judgement. You will get lots of advice, and some of that advice may not work for you, but it's all good advice. I'm my opinion, the key is to make a plan. Whatever that plan is, that will work for you. Then, stick to that plan, no matter what. Stay the course. Don't let stress, or your kiddo, or husband, or work, or anything derail you! I said you can do this, and you can! As the old saying goes: Just do it! Enjoy your Thanksgiving, and keep us posted. Take care!

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

He has control of the pills provided for taper by doctor. But I got more outside of my agreement with my husband and my doctor. So here I am.
I'm going to start back on taper where I should be on Monday which means I will go from using whatever I use this weekend to be "normal" down to 2 pills a day on Monday and follow the dr designed taper from there and then jump off where i'm supposed to. so it will be fast. But I will have to either fess up to my husband come Monday or just get rid of my pills cuz I won't have the strength to not use them when I have them. I'm not going crazy for this holiday either. I'm still trying to space them out and just be "normal" not high. But Monday will still suck cuz at 2 pills a day I'm far from normal. So anyways. That's my plan. I've told you all so hopefully I can feel accountable to somebody. It's hard to even be honest with y'all. But I feel if I can be honest with anyone...it's y'all. So...

[jethro733]

If you're off work for five days I'd cold turkey it then.  I'm not sure what you mean by "a fast taper to get back on track", I don't think those exist if I'm understanding correctly.

There's excellent advice given in above posts.  And don't beat yourself up over this.  Life happens and we learn stuff.  Don't be afraid to tell your husband.  I'm not sure but has he been holding your pills or have you had some control of that side?  It sounds like you've had access?  Tell him the plan here, and make sure you flush them together.  I'd suggest you be honest, because being honest is best in the long run when it comes to relationships.  

[CRSeaside]

Hi Dear. All is a big word. Just take it minute at a time.
I've said this before, but it's true: thinking about the past depresses us.
  Pretending we know the outcome of the future causes anxiety.
Please listen to your body, stay in the present moment. We are all here to give you the positive energy you need to succeed. Love  Pamela

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I've decided to be "normal" for the holiday...whatever that means. Then I am off work for 5 days and will be able to do a fast taper to get back on track and then will just stop instead of going down very slowly. The thing is...I can't tell my husband again. I just can't. Our marriage is hanging by the tiniest of threads and I don't see this working out right...even without my recent faulter. I don't know what's going to happen to us. But...I'm probably going to have to flush them after this weekend cuz ill take them if they're around. This is so freaking hard. If I didn't have a 15 month old, I would just hole up at home for 5 days and get it over with, but I have to be there for my little guy. I never thought I'd be wishing to cold turkey it.....ugh! This can NEVER EVER happen again!!!

[kyle505]

Actually, it is that simple. I failed for over 15 years. I'd bet I've been through everything you've experienced, felt…I have three children, ages 25, 20 and 18. I missed so much of their lives; I told so many lies; I took pills from the homes of friends, strangers, family. I even took pills from my dying mother during her last week on earth. Family, friends, my job - everything came second to my addiction.  You are no different than me; than hundreds of addicts who've been exactly where you are now. You are sinking in your own pity. I did it too. For many years. And then one day I simply looked at myself in the mirror, and the shame was overwhelming. I went to my bottle of pills and dumped them in the toilet. That was almost two years ago.
I'm no better than you. I'm not a strong person. But I'd had enough. You will get there. If not now then very soon by the sound of your post.
So I'd suggest, like Pat, that you dump the pills or finish them, and then go cold turkey. Yes, you'll go through one hellish detox, but it will be over within a few days. Cut your sources, tell your secret, and get after care. Again, three simple steps. But they work.
K

[Pat1956100]

Sonrissa gave you excellent advice.
If the tapering isn't working, IMO, you should just go cold turkey.
I think the tapering is just causing you all of this angst and like you said you are having withdrawals with it anyway.
All of this sadness you are feeling is normal and it will go away.
Tapering is so hard.  I  have learned if I have pills I abuse them.
No matter how many times I have said I will only take a couple a day, it just doesn't happen.
Seriously consider preparing yourself to just go cold turkey and get it over with.  I think you are just prolonging the agony.

[Sonrissa]

OK, just try to relax and take some deep breaths. Look, you screwed up. You admit it. Don't give up. You have to really want this, and I believe that you do. Now, as I see it you have a couple of choices here. First, make a taper schedule, and write it down. Give the control of the pills to your husband. Have him keep the pills and hide them. Hide them really good. Have him give them to you according to your plan with no deviations at all. Slow and steady is key with tapering. Just start again. Stop being so hard on yourself. Most of us find it too hard to taper, I couldn't do it.

Your second choice is to get through this holiday and your company and all of that. Then, quit cold turkey. You will go through a few days of withdrawals and that will be tough, but completely doable. Then, you are done with the physical stuff. Look into getting some sort of after care to help you deal with the mental and emotional stuff. You can do it.

Forgive yourself for this setback and stop lying to your husband. Get back on track, and start moving forward. I know you can do this. Keep posting for support. Next time you feel like you are going to mess up, come here and post and give us the opportunity to help.

Take care, it will be OK!

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

And worse yet ...still here I am...lying. Lying to my husband....my family...myself. Where do you find the strength to be and stay honest?

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Well if only it were all so simple. The thing is my husbands already helping me taper. I effed up...I went outside our agreement. I panicked at the thought of family here for the holiday and 4 whole  days of no access to pills even if I wanted them. So now here I am I may have ruined it all. Ya I know it's not too late and I can get back on track. But when it's up to me...if I have the pills I usually take them. So here I am. The stress of the holidays...family here...the threat of me not being myself as enough of a trigger. Ugh ! I have failed. I don't see me being able to succeed here...ever.. I just make stupid effing decisions all the time. My family apparently isn't enough for me. The thing is too...I was just now starting to get into feeling pretty crappy withdrawals on the taper and I even had moments of strength. It really is such a roller coaster. I just want out so badly.

[kyle505]

You are asking questions that can only really be answered by you. You are the one who will decide that, despite the hell of detox and the roller coaster of recovery, you've had enough and are going to quit.
You will do that. Your head will never stop talking to you; you will always find an excuse to use or to keep using. Anxiety, stress, unforeseen problems...That's life. There will not be a time that will be perfect for detox. So, as always, it comes down to you. And you'll know when you're ready.
As far as tapering goes, very few of us have successfully tapered without help - someone to give us the pills per the plan and then hide them. So don't beat yourself up about that.
Finally remember - the voice, the urge, the addiction - it's all just you. Like me and thousands of others, we are wired differently. I've personally given up trying to find out why I'm an addict, I just am. Once I came to accept that, and to accept that I will fight my addiction for the rest of my life, I felt a sort of peace within myself.  Some are born blind or with a physical handicap. I was born an addict. BUT, I am living a clean life now and enjoying every second of it. You can too - that's a promise.
K

[Sonrissa]

Don't despair! You haven't ruined your last chance. Get back on track. You need to come up with a very specific plan. Write it down, and follow it. Follow it no matter what. Find someone who can distribute your pills to you per the taper schedule. No deviations, no matter what. Don't let this faulter define you. The next time the voices urge you, or you feel stressed and anxious, come here first. Give us the opportunity to talk to you! You can do this! Now, get back on the right track! OK?

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I am currently on a taper and have faultered. With the threat of the holidays I have given in to the stress. I may have ruined the last chance I have at making this right. I am weak. The voices the urge inside to use brought on by anxiety and stress is stronger than I am. Where do I find the strength? How to I listen to my heart?

[Kbusymom]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this.  You are not a failure.  I feel the same way sometimes about family/ friends etc not being enough.  I think we have to address the issue of why we want to shut down and numb ourselves. I'm trying so hard to figure it out.  I think we all have some unresolved pain deep inside ourselves.  I'm hoping that by working the steps and other aftercare that I get there.  Stay strong, we are in this together.

[brandiroars386]

Whats happened to make you feel this way?