What was you bottom?

[bluespence]

As some of you know I have openly admitted I am not ready to quit the pills. I just have a lot going on (started a new job, going to grad school, single mom, etc) and I like the high...plus I do have legit pain and I am going to a pain mgmt Dr...but with all of that said I do get tired of counting pills, worrying that I will run out early, etc...so I was curious what was your bottom? What was it for you that made you finally decide this is it, I am going to quit? Just so you know, I take percocet 10/325 (probably about 10 a day or more) and morphine (60 mg).

[DogLover723]

My bottom was being $300 short on this months rent because I spent too much on pills.
  I have always been so careful not to use the rent money, but for some reason I didn't care this time.
  Another reason I am trying to quit opiates (day 4!!!) is because I became a Grandma in June and that sweet little baby girl deserves better than an addict for a Grandma.

[corey411]

Noticed my soul was not there anymore.

[CBS426]

I hit my rock bottom when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I didn't care whether I was a live or dead. When I wanted those I love dearly to walk away from me. I did not want help. I deep down wanted help, but you wouldn't have known it back then. I was scared of help. I was scared of failure. I was scared of living without my drug. Help was forced on me. I'm not even sure if some of the things that happened the week prior to me going into rehab were legal. My family literally kid napped me. They saved my life with me fighting against them. When I finally 2 months later started feeling like myself again- I realized that my fight needed to be redirected to staying sober- not dying. I had many rock bottoms. I look at pictures of myself from that time in my life, and I was nothing but a shell. My eyes were hollow- there was no more life left in me. My skin hung on my body. I was possessed by the devil, and so possessed I didn't realize how bad I was until I got clean.

[cathy5841]

rock bottom for me was when i looked in the mirror and did not know the person looking back.  and honestly i didnt like the person looking back.  i knew it was time to stop....before there was no one looking back.

[Cupp78]

This is a great thread...thnaks to everyone for sharing.  It all sounds SO familiar.  I have had many bottoms.  One of the biggest I remeber was when I knew that what I was doing to get pills (Dr. Shopping) was illegal and I could go to jail and lose everything...but I made the concious decision that it was worth it.  I felt so disgusting and could not look at myself in the mirror anymore.  But that still didn't stop me.  It wasn't until my wife found out here father was about to pass from his fight with cancer and she wanted to drive to see him and say her last goodbyes.  I made every excuse why I couldn't go, but the truth is I was worried that I would run out of pills and not be able to get anymore before we got home.  I couldn't let the addiction run my life, and hurt the others I love so badly.  My desire to quit finally was stronger than my desire to use.  I am25 days clean today and feel great.  My relationship with my wife is SOO much better already.  I thank God that he grabbed me by the heart, forgave me, and is carrying me through each day.  I am enjoying a life of real emotions, chioces, and freedom.

BTW, I also thought, well I need them for pain (Spinal fusion), I work a demanding professional job, I was going back to school to become a dentist and getting all A's...how is this hurting me...I am fine.  HAHA....what a joke.  The pills were running my life and I didn't even know it.  When I would sit and talk to my wife, I was thinking about the pills.  When I was at work, I was thinking about the pills.  I was a slave to them, and I finally had enough.  I was lucky enough to make the decision for myself before I had lost everything, some aren't so lucky.  Good luck and I hope you find your bottom before the bottom finds you.

[bubbles1096]

sometimes its easier to do the wrong things and harder to do the things that are right and make a difference. It's easier to cave into an addiction and I was sick of having external factors run my life and I was sick of caving in. I wouldn't necessarily say it was my bottom point, but I realized that I wasn't controlling my life; the pills were and I just said NO and will continue to say NO.

[refusingbondage]

There were so many things that got completely out of control for me that made me quit.  I had 3 doctors in 3 different towns with 3 different pharmacies.  One said he couldn't keep refilling my script without doing some spinal injections.  I had them before when my back actually hurt but this was just an addiction and I didnt want the anesthesia.     And that's just the 'legit way' -- there are much uglier ways to feed your addiction.  I got to the point where my routine was the same each night - put the bottle on the nightstand with a bottle of water - because I would wake up 2 hours before the alarm in withdrawal and need to take them to be able to lay there until the alarm actually went off where I would need another 6.  I became a slave to it and nothing else.  If I wasn't thinking about how to get pills, or counting what I had or taking what I had, I was worried that today would be the one day where I took too many "extras" and overdosed.  Everything suffered.  Relationships, sex, friendships, every single thing because I was only concered about the pills -- and this went on for many years and progressively got worse..  Dont get me wrong I worked full time, professional job, mother, signifcant other, I maintained the lifestyle but I was not really there at all just on autopilot.   When I got tired of being a slave, I broke the chains.  And I don't regret it at all. Do you know how much you can get done and how much you can feel when your not obessing over how many pills you have and where to get more.  Its a beautifully liberating feeling.  Freedom is worth fighting for.      

[GoingToMakeIt]

When you get tired of them running your life, it is time.

"When your desire to get clean, is stronger than your desire to use. Then, you will get clean" GTMI

[ochooked]

This is one of the best threads I have read that allow 'real' former addicts to share what their motivation for quitting was.  Bluespence ---- You may think you have a handle on the drugs and they do not affect you but you are not seeing the truth.  They ARE affecting you more than you know in many ways --- physically by causing lapses in short term memory, digestion (very constipating, thus causing many more problems).  And how about the mask they put on our feelings and emotions?  When is the last time you were really sad --- or even cried??   Most of us, when we used, could not answer that question.  For both males and females - sex is not nearly as frequent or intense as life away from drugs --- (I was amazed at the difference).  When you get clean you will notice many more ways your life is better.   I can go away from home and not worry about the 'little bottle' any more ---- I can do so much more now.   Well, only my two cents worth.  Sounds like you are starting to question your 'need' for the opiates ---- hope the folks on this site have given you a few that cause you to want to quit.  All the best.

[Clamity2]

My bottom was when my 11 year old son, who has down syndrome and doesnt talk all that clearly. Looked at me bitting a vic in half and said clearly "Mom stop taking Poison"!

I came here that day. I used after two weeks and went back inot wd then went ct.  My son and the other kids I care for have alot more FUN and we laugh, hike, swim, just because we WANT to.

[enemy48]

Uh......maybe thinking I was smart enough to keep up w/my addiction.......like the obscene number of pills I took daily.  

I got caught in doing something very, very  illegal.  To this day, I still don't know why I haven't been arrested.

So I guess your answer to why or how..........is JAIL!!!!!!!!!

[kberrier]

In my situation I don't think I hit a bottom.  I just told myself that life has to be just as good whether or not I was taking pills.  I am on day 5 clean off of oxy's and whatever opiate I could get my hands on.  I know what you mean by counting pills to make sure you had enough to last until you could get more.  I was a functioning pill taker.  I am a wife, a stay at home mother, a PTA member ect..  I think that my circle of friends would be VERY surprised that I have been addicted to opiates for the past four years. I live in a very upperclass suburb and my husband is very well off in his job as a VP.  I live a normal life and take care of every day duties.  Taking pills actually made my day so much easier and I could get so much done in one day.  I guess I was just tired of having something rule my life.  I was tired of always having to find someone who I could get some pain meds from when my supply ran out.  I took my pills strictly for recreation.  My pain has been long gone.  I don't think each person has to hit a bottom, I just think you will know when your time is to quit.  And when you do decide to quit, come back and we can all help you through it.  You need to mentally prepare yourself for it.  Trust me, I am only 5 days clean and my body is done detoxing, but my mind is very far from it.  I hope you decide soon that you are ready.  You don't want to waste to much more time chasing pills.  Good luck to you and take care of yourself!!!
Kristi

[broknbck]

Well my bottom was probably when i started to loose my hearing. the memory was already shot. and then my sight was getting affected also. that and the constant counting of pills and running out and withdrawl and where do i get more just added to it.  

since quitting i have found out all the brain damage that takes place. it is totally outta hand! we are like ruining everything about ourselves and creating brain damage that ultimately ruins our whole self. it can actually change our personalities.

also i did not like the prison i had created for myself.

good luck to you on your decision.

[youngdude421]

i had a huge painkiller problem for years i know about counting pills to make shure you dont run into the hell of withdrawal i even went into dope for about 5 months my bottom was that i got sick of being a slave to a chemical i dont need and lets just say my addiction turned me into someone you wouldnt want to invite over after a while these habbits become too expensive to support if urs hasnt gotten there yet i'd put money on the fact that it will or youll have to doc shop as they call it and that can get you up the river w/o a padddle bad eventually the negative aspects of the addiction will outweigh you fondness of the drug and high eventually i just pray for you that you live through it, i finally surrrendered and went to rehab and am now clean and sober but take it from someone that has been there this no joke, you are slowly killing yourself taking all of those oppiate painkillers and your doing tremendous damage to your stomach/liver.... good luck with everything

[Victor322]

my bottom was when I had realized that I was quickly losing my short term memory...I would perform an action then 30 seconds later I couldn't recall if I had actually did it. I would also often forget where I had put stuff shortly after i had put it away...quite scary indeed. So I knew that I had to quit the Trams or perhaps eventually lose my mind beyond recall. I now feel comfortable to know that my short term memory has mostly returned (90%?) and that I am also optimistic that with more clean time I'll be back to "normal"...what-ever that might mean...lol.

NA often speaks of "jails, institutions and/or death" for the non-recovering addict...when I had heard that expression for the first time while tapering it had just about scared me straight as I knew right then and there that I had no choice but to get clean as a mind is a terrible thing to waste and it wasn't going to be mine. That had provided me with the strong will and single focus that I had to quit, that I had no choice regardless of the discomfort endured. Still clean since 5/21 and looking forward to my 6 month 'clean' token from NA!

[scared4mydaughter]

Honestly,

You may really believe that you are a highly functioning addict and that no one knows but that is rarely the case, what you believe and see in yourself now as a mother as a person would be ten folds different if you were not using.

not to say that you are not a loving mother by any means, but these pills play games and allow us to justify our behavior anyway we see fit when the situation allows.

[avisg]

Nope I did everything like I normally would without drugs and ran my own business but I was numb and detached. I was there but not present .I enjoy them so much more now because I can feel and they love doing things with me now .When you are abusing pills you are slowly killing yourself .How was my son going to get threw what he had to if I was not healthy .I was being very selfish with my pills use I hate that's what it took to make me realize what I was doing but it did .I also quit smoking the days we found out .

[bluespence]

Thanks for responding...when you say you wanted to be a better mom (which I understand that) but what does that mean for you. When you were using were you not doing your motherly duties? Did you still function, like feed your kids, go to work, etc? I am just curious, b/c for me the pills have not stopped me from doing anything. I am still here for my kids, I still go to work daily, I still function. In fact if you met me and didn't know I was on pills I don't think you would know. Did you see Dr Phil when that mom was addicted to pills and was stealing them from friends and leaving her kids alone, etc. Like that is NOT me at all...so I guess what I am asking is how did it affect you being a mom? Thanks for your time

[avisg]

My son was diagnosed  with cancer that what did it for me he needed a healthy mom that was going to be there for him .Instead of ever worrying about what might happen to mom because of her pills .My kids deserve a healthly mother that is drug free .

[newmanagment]

with cocaine addiction, bottoms are like rivers. You hit one and think you have come to the deepest depth and cant take any more, then ya drift off that ledge into even deeper water. that is the hell of addiction, bottoms move! I think that mostly the reason i want to stay clean is because I am finally starting to remember who I really was before cocaine took over my mind. I like being able to look people in the eye, and at myself in the mirror. so, with that said, how many times have you found Your bottom?