I needed to share this...

[Real180]

I was rummaging through a old hiding spot of mine for no particular reason  yesterday -- I did this once before in a different hiding spot of mine and I immediately found 3 - 30mg Roxie's (I think I was about a month or so clean at the time and I gave them to my wife who immediately flushed them). Anyway, this time I came across one Roxy and instead of telling anyone I re-hid it... It weighed heavely on my mind all last night -- I had to get rid of it but I didn't -- I wanted that little F'er around because my addict brain told me it was ok, you know what I mean, right? I woke up this morning and ran a local 5k race (my first since last year) with my family and friends.. Of course after the race there is a party (beer tent and etc) I didnt drink but I was still thinking about that pill and if I should pop half when I get home, you know my knees and back were hurting from the race so it was something I needed, my addict brain told me.. On top of that this was a classic trigger for me -- run then pop a pill... I LOVED doing that! I made my reservation -- I was convinced I could do this without any long term harm... We came home and my wife had to go out and run a few errands so now I am alone for an hour or so -- perfect.. My addict brain and I were in such sync that I couldn't tell difference... I sat on my couch and took a deep breath.. 4 months and 6 days I've been clean what is the harm in a half of Roxy? I'll even take half and throw the other half out to show how much I've grown! I do it and prove to myself that I can have a taste and not go off the deep end! A matter of fact I have to do this.. I owe it to myself to show that all of this hard work has payed off! I am in control, not these pills! Forget flushing the other half, I just hide that one as well and save it for a rainy day.. Remember, I'm in control of these pills they are NOT in control of me!!! I got off the couch and I knew what I had to do and I smiled... I smiled because I knew I was just beaten by the enemy from within.. I was beaten but not defeted because I FLUSHED the whole EFFIN pill down the toilet and ripped back my sobriety to claim another day of success!!! Good days and bad days, I guess that's what it's all about and how we react to them. Today was a bad day but now it's good -- my wife is home with the kids and they are playing outside and I don't have the weight of a relapse on my shoulders  and another secret to begin to hide... For this I am thankful and grateful and whatever other words used to describe the feeling of protecting your sobriety when it's in danger... Thank you for letting me share this.. It was important that I did...

[Real180]

Thanks my MH friends -- I am planning on hitting a meeting or two this week to get back into the swing of things again... I spoke with another addict last night and came clean about my near disaster.. I like what Ricart wrote.. It makes sense... When I rummaged through that old hiding spot I was looking for something and apparently I found it... I was then faced with an addicts biggest fear -- alone, with my DOC and my addict brain in full throttle... I almost ruined everything because I was looking for trouble and found it... Yeah, I need to be in meetings...I need to hear the stories, see the faces, listen to to the solutions and help the newcomer it's what makes this program work... Thank you again for your support yesterday!

[clean_in_ks]

You truly DID scare me......
I've followed your posts intently.....what you didn't do before that you were adamantly committed to do this time.....and then you posted about not thinking you needed skin-on face time anymore....and my heart dropped to the floor......

Thank you, my recovery friend for putting a smile on my face tonight~

[Gettingalifeagain]

Wow, thanks for sharing the victory!

[ricart70]

My hiding place is the world and the people in it and sometimes I can't go rummaging through it and them. I am usually sorry when I do. I wish that the bears could talk sometimes and also that they would not eat me for dinner. I think it would be a rewarding life living with them.

Great job on throwing the pill away friend.

[dominosarah]

Congrats Real on getting out of that one!  Now get your butt back to those meetings as the next time may not have the same ending as this one did.

[brandiroars386]

Thankyou for sharing this!!  So important to show how easy it can be to have the mind do its thing!!  I loved the progression the story took too, we can not afford to listen to these stories our minds conjure up. It's so convincing, easy to give permission ti do it. Fall through and use. Congrats to you!!!

[msdelight]

Wow what an AWESOME post! And you are awesome too!! Better to flush the pill than flush your life away! Whoo hoo great job!

[jleeflcntrygrl]

Awesome!! Luv the story, I think we've all been there!

[dede2121]

Good job. I think I would have gone into convulsions if I had found one.  One of my dealers sent a text yesterday informing me of his new supply.  I just deleted it. I erased all numbers but they know mine.
Sorry to steal ur thunder. Anyhoo congratulations.

[Real180]

Sorry I scared you clean.. Lol.. I wrote it almost in real time so it was happening as I wrote it... I was as close to relapsing as one could be, and your 100% correct TO CLOSE FOR COMFORT!! I thought the last one was close but this one really had me on the edge. Now, only and hour or so removed from actually popping a pill I can say it seems so CRAZY that I would allow myself to come that close but in those moments my addict brain was in such control that it had taken over and everything it told me made sense.  I am going to start to go back to some meetings again... I need to hear the stories and see the faces.. Thanks for all of your support!!!

I'm so relieved, relaxed, and happy at this moment.. Who knew flushing the toilet could give one such a sense of accomplishment.. Lol.. Anyway, another day in the life of a recovering pill addict... Thank you for all of your support!

[lulu747]

Hey Congrats on this victory!!!  But....And I'm sorry to say this, but what if there is a next time and you are not in as positive place.  Example: fight with wife, death in family, something going on with one of your kids.  I don't know you so I don't know what your aftercare program has been but it really is SO important to have one.  You won this battle and that is AWESOME...I just hope that you've set yourself up to be successful in the long run.  As we all know in recovery, it is one day at a time, one moment at a time, and usually our will and understanding of this cunning and baffling disease can win in these moments.  But there are also times when we are emotionally distressed where we need the strength and support of others and a life line....You know what I mean?  I am not personally an NA meeting girl- but I do addictions counselling, and therapy, and I have a support network of recovery.  I just wanted to reinforce this for you.  As I said, I don't know you or your story so I may be speaking out of turn.  But just wanted to add my two cents, my congratulations, and my support for your ongoing recovery.
Lu

[Real180]

Thanks -- I'm about an hour removed from this whole situation and the "Phew" factor is still so fresh... "Cunning" and "baffling" are words that best describe my experience... This will make me stronger but it was so humbling at the same time... I hope this helps others teetering..

All the best!!!

[clean_in_ks]

As I started out reading this.....I remembered VIVIDLY the last time you found those 3 pills in that dang file folder.  And your child coming to the door....and your mind racing.....and then you asking your child if they'd get your wife to come in your office.  And you getting RID of them.....

So.....as I read this....I felt my heart rate pick up......and I was literally filled with trepidation as I kept reading......and I remembered you posting about not needing meetings a week or two ago....and I'm thinking OH NO!!!!

But....now I sit here with a smile on my face......very proud of you for playing it all out......battling the beast.......but it was too close for comfort.....
a game best not played too often....

You are SO right....it was MORE THAN IMPORTANT that you shared this and while I give you kudos for the outcome.....it's a dance I don't want to do anymore.....my life depends upon it~

[marycarmel]

Congratulations.

[weaver71]

That is one of the best stories I have heard in awhile. I love your honesty. I love that you saw the reality, not the fantasy your addiction fed you. Wow, that is a good feeling. You will look back and recognize that was one of the huge landmarks in your recovery. You know marathons, so you can see that this is a race to pace yourself and lay back when needed and push when needed. Thanks for sharing this, it reAlly is a good thing to see. You made my day.