Why do you think we do this to ourselves?

[scoenen]

I been thinking about this for a while and realized that for the past few years I have not been doing what I am supposed to be doing in this world.  I feel like I lost my way and then when I was introduced to pills, I grabbed at it looking at it as a way to fill up the void I had been living with for a while.  I was slightly depressed but more than anything I felt that I had no purpose.  I had a great job doing HIV research and my husband finally finished his degree we decided to move closer to family.  While he was in school, I was going part time for my masters and had three other job besides the one that fulfilled me.  I was making a difference.  We talked about it and wanted to start a family and I wanted to be home with the kids.  We are lucky, financially we are in good shape but I noticed that I started to forget who I was and did not feel as good about my self.  Time past and I had two beautiful daughters.  Shortly after I got hurt,  I was put on pain meds and realized they made me feel like I did when I was younger- happy, confident and content.  I know now its a false feeling, I guess I always knew, and am not sure it I will ever been that person again.  I am sad and afraid.  

Sorry for the ramble but since I got off the Fentanyl I am beginning to feel and think again.  Does anyone else have a similar story?  I feel like such a whiner- their are people who stories are so sad and tragic and mine is such a sad case.  Jeez, can I be anymore pathetic!

[freenclean]

my story is also like yours you will get back to the way it was it will just take time and effort and prayers there is life after drugs you will see that as time goes along keep fighting  and hang in there your in my prayers ive got a big long list setting on my table  it gets longer every day but thats ok good luck take care Free...

[newstart730]

I totally understand where you are coming from.  I feel the same way, I have many wonderful things in life, and I'm just plain lucky that I haven't destroyed it all.  I didn't have a terrible upbringing, etc.  I'm still working on figuring out why I did this to myself.  I did like the high, the euphoria, the "energy," but was it worth it?  No.  And I knew that all along deep down inside, yet I continued taking the pills for 3 years!  Mainly, I think boredom did it for me.  I have a very active mind and a lot of interests, but I don't deal well with just the day to day grind.  I was seeking excitement, and if I couldn't have it, I numbed myself with a high.

I'm trying to deal with the feelings by keeping myself busy doing all of the fun things I wanted to do, but the pill haze kept me from doing.  It's so ironic, isn't it?

I think it's awesome that you are looking for the root of the problem.  The addiction is just a symptom of something deeper.  Congratulations and good luck:)

[wannaquit2]

My story is alot like yours. living the "american dream". Great home and wonderful husband and kids. I think you are like me started taking them due to pain and then realized like you said made you feel young again enrgy  a good mood etc.. then b4 u know it you are wishing you had never touched them!  I am addicted to Lorcet(hydrocodone). 15-20 going thru w/d;s 2day so I can b placed on suboxone. I have quit a few times and relapsed. So, I am praying this works. Good luck 2 you!

[vicki595]

You're not pathetic!!  You're thinking!!  It's what we finally do without the drugs...

None of us will be the same person, totally. We've grown up,grown older,lived..

It's not a bad thing,it's a new thing.

I don't know why we do this. Actually,I think IT does it to US.  By the time we realize it we're already in the thick of it.  Sad but true...

It gets better,trust me.  One day soon you'll catch yourself laughing from your gut and it will shock you!!  Just laughing out loud was a big deal for me...I laugh all the time now
(when I'm not being cranky  LOL)

Vicki