GOD I CANT TAKE THIS

[Beenerkitty]

Day 9 ***** *** big time so far. im making it thru work half assed. im crying every ten minutes. im ssssooo mad. i want to sleep a deep deep sleep but im on call the next 2 days. how am i gonna do this. im really struggling.

[goldenarm]

How u doin this morning? I just wanted to say hi and tell you that i was thinking about you and wishing you the best........Hugs....

[worried878]

I hope all goes well and u stay on track....I am an RN as well...demanding job at times...but pills make us weak/makes us doubt our choices and nurses can not afford to use...why did u decide to quit?  have u gone to any meetings or any type of aftercare?

[Beenerkitty]

Thank you everyone for all of your support this evening. im going to head to bed-prob cry my self to sleep. i took 1 (only 1) of my new sleepy medicine-sonata. hopefully ill sleep. talk to you again soon. i would not have made it thru this day if it wasnt for all the support and prayers from everyone. Good Night
Bkitty

[Beenerkitty]

thank you for your support. i literally couldnt breathe earlier. i cried.kicked the door. yelled at the cats.posted more and got tons of support. if it wasnt for the support on here i would be in trouble. SO THANK YOU ALL OF YOU AND HOPEFULLY SOON I CAN BE A BETTER SUPPORT TO ALL OF YOU TOO. i just have to get thru this first
love
Beenerkitty

[dizzy83]

hi the starter of this topic .

Listen babe i'm new here and i've a subutex addiction aswell as being on valium and zopiclone and mirtazipene/zispen and venlavaxine.

My subutex addiction is from my herion days i've been off herion for over 6years now and i've been on subutex 16mg ever since .

But 2years ago my toss pot of an ex boyfriend left me while iw as seriously ill with depression and anxisty i was scared i'd loose him as he had a daughter already with his dads next dorr neighbour .I couldn't handle the fact he use to see his ex and even hated it when his daughter came round i felt threatend by her by them both.

You see i'm inscure and i worry alot and maybe it was my fault he upped and left one morning , i don't know but all i know is i loved this man more than i've ever ever loved annother human being in my life .I'd have walked over hot coals for him and i did sacrifice alot for him .we lived together for over a year and i know him 10years beofre we met up again anyway .

One morning he kissed me goodbye like normal and then 20mins later he texted me saying.................sorry i can't do this anymore.

And that was the last i ever seen of him of course i had a breakdown and i ended up in a mentla hospital for 2months after.Well i was ill in hospital he let himself back in my flat and took all his stuff .Even thoe my dad went and seen him to tell him i was in hospital he still never ever texted me or seen me to say goodbye or even a sorry or even an explination to why he left me.

I'm telling you now i was in adrak dark place i tried to kill myself over him i self harm now because of it .

But after 2long years i've come to realise that he's a low life who doesn't deserve me or my love and slowly i'm getting better with help of antidepressents but i know i've so much more work to do .

But listen you will get through this and you'll come back 10x as strong i know its hard to believe right now but you will get over this.

What don't kills us only makes us stronger .

If you want to talk please message my account here because i know what you're going thorugh now with the withdrawals and your broken heart.

Also don't go on that web site where your ex is on because this will onlu upste you more .

Just keep off it babe.

Also i cried a river and crying helps cry till you can't cry no more .Talk on here as much as possible you're not alone so many good people are waiting to pick you up .


please stay calm and remeber you're not going through this alone because i'm still feeling the same as you but we learn to cope over time will good friends and good support.

Try and destract yourself watch a film do some house work keep busy go to work etc.

I'm thinking of you xxxx

[Florida_Guy737]

Hi...been there with the wds...seriously, you need another outlet because letting go is not an option.  Exercise literally gave me back my life; may not be the answer for everyone but there must e something you can delve into to keep you focused off the meds.  Yep, I understand the horror of trying to work when you really don't care about anything for awhile but believe me, this will pass...may take some time but it will.

Stay Strong & Live Strong....

Guy

[Beenerkitty]

no. thank you.im having to learn how to do my job all over again-sober. the pills helped mr deal with the reality of the situation i was in. watching a parent lose a child to cancer or some other terminal illness can be a bit overwhelming. but i remember a long long long time ago when i did do it sober and i was good at it. i just have to find that person again somewhere deep down inside me. the boyfriend situation just blows big time. my confidence is shot and i reallly feel like a sac of dirty stinky monkey balls right now. im hurt and trying to get sober. its hard to do with a broken heart. i PM'd you. dont worry i didnt BM you. thats good to know
Bkitty

[ForgotRomans828]

You are in my prayers!!!!  I am trusting GOD to minister to you through your patients.  The first couple of weeks are no picnic, (despite the "boyfriend"  - imagine the Greek father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding saying the word; boyfriend!)
You have a lot of support here and people who geniunely are pulling for you.
Keep posting, and feel the love here for you!  (Was that too, ugh, new age? ;-)
Love you Beener!

[Beenerkitty]

I was on vics and percs 10-15day for over a year and whatever i could get my hands on or snort up my nose. i crushed the pills to snort. liquid morphine, lorazepam whatever i could find. the thing is i didnt have to pay for any of it. it was handed to me like candy. im 9 days clean. past the physical withdrawals except for sweats, but man do i have the mental. i started on AD's a week before i quit cuz ive had depression in the past. i took the pills cuz they made me feel good. well at one time they did-but then they turned on me. before that i abused prescription meds on and off. so 9 days without a single pill/drug in my system is a big deal. i havent been healthy in a long time. i thought i had a good support system in place with the boyfriend. ha ha. wrong. so now im doing this alone. my parents dont know. i cant tell them. maybe later-but not now. luckily i didnt live with him-i still have my townhouse with my roomate and kitties. i packed up my stuff yesterday and came home.my roomate knows. he has 10yrs sobriety and he is a huge support-but he is gone for the weekend. so im alone. im on call and it sounds like its going to be busy-an admission and 2 babies dying. so ill see what this night brings me.  

take care
Bkitty

[ForgotRomans828]

Just a question hon.  How much of a role did your looser boyfriend play in your choice to use?  I guess what I mean is, if it was so wonderful being with him, why were you using.
I used because my life is one giant pressure valve and I am on the wrong side of it.  I realized I was a "single mom" in a marriage.  Once I went through AWD, I realized I had to stop taking it all on, ask for help, make healthy choices in all aspects of my life - including my family life.  My kids are doing more to pitch in and surprisingly, so is my husband.  See, when we are taking care of ourselves, people who love us, (really love us) support us to be healthy.  We end up being happier people and more pleasant to be around.  Those Hospice patients and they're families are a perfect avenue for you to channel your attention and care to, right now, until Mr. Right, (or even temporarily right) steps into your life and supports you being a healthy, whole person.  Love yourself enough to let Mr. Wrong go, and open the door to that special person who will really love you.  All my love and support.

[OKnotOK]

Well, it took philster to address the "boyfriend" situation, and he certainly dealt with that in plain English. Sounds like you got to know how pathetic, insensitive, and, let's face it, not-too-bright your boyfriend/unwanted furniture turned out to be. Put it out for a charity pick-up.

How much of what were you taking? How long since your last dalliance with it? There are lots of people here who can provide specifics; they've taken what you're taking, and they found a way out. It's helping me a lot. I don't have some long-latent urge to become "Ann Landers on Oxy's" (that would be a great gig, mind you), but if you can get some medical/therapy assistance here, and look at the long view, where your horny internet sack of **** ends up with a dose from a promiscuous transvestite, and you're set up in your own place, that might help a bit. Is there someone you can stay with for a while? Coming home to that ain't helping.

Keep us informed.

[philster]

You are strong! You were alone. Scumbag was not there, only pretending. You are strong and didnt even know it. Single life has its fine points. Make the most of it to find out who you are. Look at all the posts you are getting. You will not be alone long. TRUST ME. I AM TRUSTWORTHY !

[ToWonderWhat]

TAKE IT ALL IN !!!!  Learn from it all. Then try and come to terms with each thing 1 at a time. He was prolly doin his BullChit before and you just didnt know it cause you were so wrapped up in your addiction and had that blind eye. Well now no matter what anyone does or how much this day ***** you are 9 DAY's cleaner and starting to defrost a lil quicker the next week or so well get better. You take care of YOU for now then get well and kick all th'ere arses lol. Stand Tall and Walk Hard Dewy Cox lol . and have a Happy Easter :)   ...... TTYL      Craig

[goldenarm]

Oh i think you have alot of strength deep within and you have dug it up.!You have lots of support here and its real,Dont squeeze too hard on the old fart or he might fart.Still feeling for you ..big as$ Hugs to u......

[nick30]

find someone(anyone)nearby and ask them for a hug. maybe even cry on thier shoulder for awhile. your at a hospice right? just grab some old fart who's out of it and use her/him to cry on. you'll get through it. be as stubborn as you can. sorry honey, i feel for you.

Nick.

[Beenerkitty]

thank you. im still here. i dont have much support. he was supposed to be my support. im all alone now.

[goldenarm]

Oh yea that is gonna hurt. When my best freind and my girlfriend of 3 yrs ended up together i was so devastated,at one time he was my sponsor. I was 9 months clean at the time  , i said F it..went ,picked up. long story short drug deal gone bad,  By the way Vicodin  Oxys etc is a class 1 Felony I wish with all my heart i could take it back and wish i would have gone to a freind that offered her self up to me to feel better and out for a bit to eat cause i couldnt eat either , and instead i did the stupid thing and picked up. Just dont want to see history repeat it self. Im so sorry and i feel for you right now so hard, i know it is by far the most painful thing you have ever felt and its real, walk thru it....Get with someone your close too that wont steer you in the wrong way and stay here online and talk about it till you cant talk about it no more..I care...If you need to let the people know you work with your going thru a breakup ,but keep occupied, work can actually be your saving grace....If it wasnt a weekend when it happend to me , I should say Thanksgiving i probly would have gone to work instead of picking up and getting busted..Im here if you want to talk...

[philster]

Im 52, have 5 kids and have been married 28, almost 29 years. You have been hurt in the most cruel ways. When you are betrayed by someone you love the hurt cuts to the heart and soul. I at 12:45 Pacific time have prayed for you and believe God to comfort you. I am so sorry this scum lied to you and used you but as wierd as this seems, I am glad you found out now instead of later what a loathsome traiter he is. I pray you will have strength to overcome your opiate addiction and strenth to overcome the anguish your suffering. Please dont give in to this. There is someone out here who will love you and cherish you. Be strong.Fight!

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Being here is very important .....Keep it up ...  And sometimes you need to cry .... thats what we do when it hurts that badly ...... Stay strong and write a paragraph when you start feeling like you dont want to live ... You will ultimately find it all so well worth it ...

[gizzy32]

This has been a lot to take in, but there is no doubt going back now to pills would make things worse. The guilt, not thinking clear, more sickness, using larger doses and he would be winning. Your worth it, so don't make this an excuse to use. Do you have any friends close by that could come over? There is a positive through all this grief and that is, this is the beginning of change for you, a change for a better, clean life and no matter how sad you are, just try to focus on YOU right now. After w/d's comes the emotional part and now with this thrown in everything may seem hopeless, BUT IT'S NOT. Stay strong, there is a bright light waiting for you, but you have to fight with everything you have to get there. I am sorry your going through this.

[Beenerkitty]

i cant eat. little bits thats about it. my boyfriend (ex) is on line now on the dating web site we met off of a year ago. and i cant do a thing about it. i have to just sit here and take it. its not fair and oh god does it hurt.i cant stop crying now. i dont even want to live right now. but im here

[outotown]

Hey we will be here for post all you can i know its tuff but so are you, I know you can beat that little pill many on here has and you will too. Stay tuff and fight send all the strenght i can your way!!

[goldenarm]

When was the last time you sat down and ate something really good like lobster with butter or a big bowl of ice cream? Treat yourself to something good ,not any more poisont. It will for sure make you feel worse, i know ive done it and i ended up behind bars for years for the same thing for a drug deal gone bad. I wish i knew then what i know now. TIme will heal this in the meantime go thru the motions and treat yourself to somehting that will make you feel better ,,anything except drugs...You really need some big as$ hugs...I really feel for you..hang in there

[kim715]

Calm down hon.Take some deep breaths.I know you have a lot going on right now,but you don't mean it when you say you give up.You still have that fight in you.If you didn't you wouldn't have posted.Stay here and talk with us for a bit.Scream,yell,cry,cuss do whatever you need too just get it all out.You don't want to give up and we don't want you too either.Come on hon,you can get through this,just talk with us.