Happy? Really? When again?

Question

I am only at Day 33 but I struggle with finding a sense of joy and happiness each day and I wonder, was I like this before drugs and that's why they were so compelling? Or have the few years of my modest habit destroyed the very thing in me that allows me to feel joy? If its the latter, then I confess to feeling fearful for the future. How can I address this hole inside me that yearns to be filled with genuine happiness again? I have a very strange sensation that borders on anxiety but is not, simulates malaise but is not, approaches listlessness but is not, I can't put a finger on it but it is not "me". My brain actually feel a little sore if that possible, not quite a headache but something. I am so desperate to find someone who has successfully walked this walk and now months and months later, feels that real happiness again, that joy and zest for life, that I remember having before this nightmare began.....thats why I ask you folks, do you know anyone on here who can honestly say that life is fun again, post recovery? I note that you are well past 400 days, but I don't know anything about your DOC or history,...

rue10 · Answer

I have 170 days and I still feel like I'm "missing something."  For me it's sort of a hollow feeling.  I have to admit I have more better hours in the day than I used to.  I can equate my feelings to feelings of loss.  I'm not sure if It's loss of the high I was always trying to catch, or if it is actually chemical. (I don't think so after all this time.) But someone just said it was 6-9 months before she was actually "happy."  

I've never EVER been all that happy that I can remember.  I contribute my drug abuse/addiction to this fact.  I thought they made me view my world with a brighter outlook--they did for a while--until to bottom fell out. But I can tell you ther are more things I've realized I'm happy about:

1.  Having more money (I spent thousands of $ on pills to get me through to my next RX)
2.  Not having to drive like a wild woman during my lunch hour to meet my connection.
3.  Not having to lie to my husband about where my money's gone.
4.  I don't steal his pain medication or his money.
5.  My energy is coming back and I realize I actually have energy w/o pills.
6.  I don't think about a pill every hour of the day.
7.  I don't have to count pills to make sure I have enough for "whatever."
8.  I don't feel like a sleeze when I leave the Dr's. office.  

Geez.....I'm glad I posted.  I do have A LOT of things to boost my frame of mind.  Not ten yet but if I stay clean I'm sure I'll get there.  I've been thinking about anti depressants because I really do struggle with being down most of the time.  But I think I'll give it a little more time.

Thanks for asking the question.  

Hang in there!!

Chi_Chi_Lover · Answer

I have been off lortabs for over year and half. It was a good 6-9 months before I felt truly happy and didn't need to depend on a drug to make me "feel good" I have to admit that I still struggle with some depression and sleeplessness even after all this time. I think a lot of this is from the stresses going on in my life and not from the use of past drugs. 
So what I'm telling you is that it is going to take you several months for your brain to heal and for you to find joy without depending on something. It is a very slow process and the first 6 months are the hardest or it was that way for me and others that I know very well.

refusingbondage · Answer

XRU - we seem to be so parallel.  THANK YOU for posting this.  I wanted to post this exact same thing.  I truly needed to read this and see all the success stories.. Its very scary to want someting so bad (just to be happy) and not be able to feel it.  I still don't know if I will ever feel right again--that constant dull unease inside that we have no word to describe--is killer, but I know that although it seems like forever but 60+ days is not that long and I have a long way to go.. the people with 300/400+ days who can honestly say to us that YES you will find yourself again, YES happiness will return.. Peace within will return.. they give me so much hope.  There hasn't been a time where I needed to read this more.  Thanks MH

liscamdave · Answer

Absolutely. You will be happy again. there is no doubt about that. But you have to stay clean. When we use long term, we replace natural dopamine which produces seratonin, which is what makes us happy, with drugs, so we don't produce it on our own when the drugs are discontinued. It takes a while to get yourself to that point, so it will take a while to reverse. Your body and mind are still adjusting to not having the pills anymore. It will get better though. For me, it took a good 3 months to start feeling happy on my own, but my addiction was higher. So it all depends on usage, lenght and amount. You should start to feel better soon...

Good Luck. And DEF look into amino acids ...

ochooked · Answer

What a great thread --   I guess I was not the only one to benefit from it.  It is always so encouraging to read stories from others who are further down the road.  I just want to reiterate one point that was made and I have found to be so true in my recovery --- The point Xru is trying to reach will come --  it just comes so slowly --- there is not one single day where you wake up and 'boom' everything is back like you remember it -- I am at day 73 since my last crumb of Suboxone and I am definitely getting better - --  I am gradually losing the fog I was in - my emotions are retuning - no longer masked by the haze of Opiates---  all of my senses are more intense.  Most of that is good but I have to watch it with the appetite as I am gaining weight :).  Food even tastes better and every other (even adult) sensations are heightened.  Keep on keeping on and you will get there --- when you do I hope you will remember to return occasionally and give your story on here -- others who are still struggling need to hear your story.  All the best.

j34 · Answer

These feelings are normal you have covered up your feelings for how ever long!!. Give yourself a break things will get better! I am just over 4 months and I wake up in the morning with a peace that I have never known!. I personally work on myself, through councelling and a 12 step program, I live just in the moment one day at a time, and the days are adding up and my attitude is changing what a relief. I'm not telling you that it will be easy but it is attainable and it started for me with the day I woke up and did'nt crave drugs then I noticed I started treated people better thinking of them not myself first for me the core of my disease is self centeredness. SLOWLY I am regaining a life I can't say my life cause I don't run the show anymore I just have faith that by staying clean and doing the next right thing all will be well and I tell you sometimes that is hard but the way I used to run my life... Let's just say it did'nt turn out to well. Be kind to yourself and remember to be grateful for the things that you do have today. If you  would like look up PAWS it is what happens after we stop using, I found it helpful . I wish you well . Take care.

Kova · Answer

of course there is hope.  it will be better than you can think of now, you'll see. one thing that i was thinking of for myself is that i need to start replacing the bad habits with good ones.  for instance, i used to do yoga religiously, and that was a great high for me that would spill over into the rest of my day in such a positive way.  well, the more drugs i did, the less yoga i did, until i completely replaced the yoga with drugs.  i am still trying to get bcak to that daily yoga routine that i had, although it is still diificult and i still have pill cravings all of the time.  it has been...about 70 days for me, with a relapses in there, so as you can see i am still struggling.  do yourself a favor and please look into the amino acids.  i had little faith that they would do anything for me but i really noticed the difference.

Kove

Kyleintown · Answer

I can relate, I am 22 days and my body feels so much better than 30 days ago, but I still am waiting to feel that pure joy, just not there yet, but all say it will come back. I know know that I must measure the little success each day, that has big BIG, I am now impatient. It took over a year for me to mess up my body, it wont become healty in 22 days. So I am thankful, I am not freezing cold, aching all over. I do not have runs, sleepless nights, sweats, depression, major anxiety, RLS. Just not back to me yet. I had that heaqdache thing also, mostly after the bad WD's, it was like a headach trying to breakoout, head pressure, lasted about a week, then vanished.
Good luck,
Kyle

xru11 · Answer

Now that's what I'm talkin about!!!!  That is the very essence of the value of this forum!!!!!!  I so needed to know that there were folks here that have found that essence of natural equilibrium again!  I want to know that I can feel exuberance again!  I want to know there's hope

Kova · Answer

wow, worried, that was great!  i soo agree with the bad day thing, was just thinking that myself today.  we were so used to being able to take something to make the bad day go away!  but i know how u are feeling too, like you just feel all the bad and none of the joy, but it will come back!

worried878 · Answer

i think one thing we dont know how to do is have a bad day successfully...lol...it is ok to have a bad day...may have nothing to do with our past addiction..everyone has them and we were escape artists..we made bad days disappear...so now we are equal with the human race and we have to feel everything,...rude awakening at first then kinda cool to FEEL....33 days is not by any means the point to judge ur future with...give it 2 more months to get an idea of where u will be...90 days for many is a good tell tale sign...majority relpase before 90 days as they want to feel good instantly like they are used to..can u wait it out?

Kova · Answer

i know you feel like you will never have your spark again, but it WIll come back!

worried878 · Answer

I can!  Life is not always fun...for anyone...but it is life and u can feel every moment...and now i can have a relationship without hiding my 10 pill a day habit which can be difficult when u r close to someone...yes..there is a light at the end ogf the tunnel///everyday is not a good day...but most are..being a chronic pain patient i may have more obstacles than some..but i manage and i dont have to WORRY as much/actually none/about frickin pills anymore....and i can walk out of a doctors office without a scrip!  life is good

Kova · Answer

Hi my friend.  sorry to hear that you are feeling like this, but i can totally relate.  the drugs mess up the balance of neurotransmitters in you brain, but it will get better.  have you been taking the amino acids?  they really help with this.  trust me.  are you predisposed to depression (does it run in your family or have you had it before?).  if you are then you may need to go on antidepressantts (wellbutrin did it for me) but i would wait a while before making that call.  day 33 is not that long.

kova

cathy5841 · Answer

i am 335 days clean and i can tell you i am genuinly happy.  life is good.  sure i have bad days from time to time..but thats okay..every one suffers a bad day once in awhile.  are you getting exercise?  our bodies stop producing endorphins when we are on the pills, because the pills make then for us.  endorphins are what cause us to fell happy.  exercise helps jump start or brain to produce them again on its own.  are you using the aminos?  they really help...the amino prrotocols are in the health pages.  please read my journal on time, it mite help you.  keep on going one day at a time.