oh god, ive been sat her for I dont no how long trying to get myself to type ...But am finding it difficult being able to see it in black and white. The guilt is eating away at me. The guilt of allowing myself to not only have an addiction to drugs, but to let it go on for this long. I'm totally and utterly disgusted in myself, ashamed & annoyed! I started taking ampthetamine about 3/4 years ago. At first it was just on a weekend when I would go to friends houses and they would have it. This went on for 12-18months. Then somehow after being in a violent relationship, going through the breakup process, being moved out the area with the help of domestic violence etc etc etc I somehow found myself taking it every other day... then abit more.. till evenually, Now... I feel I need it everyday. To function. To cope. To block out reality. To numb my feelings. To make me smile...Although deep down im not smiling, im riddled with guilt. Ashamed is not the word. I feel so isolated, scared. Scared of people discovering my secret if I carry on.... scared of falling into depression if I stop. Scared Im ruining my child's life. At the minute I just cant see a way out of it. And to top all things, my grandma .... who i love dearly is very ill in hospital, and may not have long left to live & for months the build up to her becoming poorly I have blocked out, and been in denial..so it has kind of hit me quite hard now, but I need to do this for her, for my son. and for me. I need to sort my life out