Here I am again

[corey411]

That's right, another relapse. For those of you who don't know my history, I came onto the forum a little over 2 years ago to get help with my recovery from a Hydro habit(10-15 a day) for 7 years...well now closer to 9. I have gone through many relapses and times when I have had 6 months clean...almost a year not long ago.I have learned to make alot of changes from that first day that I posted here. I wanted to do it all on my own then. The thought of telling my family or going to NA meetings were things that I never thought I would be able to do. With every relapse came  the realization that I must not be doing everything I can to keep myself clean. I eventually listened and  got family support and went to meetings everyday, got a sponcer. All of these things have been a tremendous help and are all things that have kept me in recovery longer than I would have been without them. I think that having exposure to them at work is what breaks me. I just don't know how to get around this. Recovering alcoholics can get liquor at the drop of a hat yet they seem to be able to remain strong when they pass a bar or state store. I just can't quit my job, but am looking for 1 that would give me less access to pills. Also thinking of some counseling. I am just so totally down about this. I know that it is me that I let down and only me that can get back up. I'm just so damm tired of this. It get's easy to believe that things are never going to be OK again. I really hope everyone knows that the support that you have given me over the years has been such a great foundation for me and my recovery. I do have some new things that I am going to implement this time around. Addiction just really su@ks. We really do need to hold on with both hands and use every tool we can.

[dominosarah]

Corey.....this isnt your first rodeo with this but it can be your last...come on girl you know what you need to do.  We are all here for you.  You have to do the hard work and you have it in you.  I have faith in you.........hugs to you      sara

[beatingthis]

My sweet friend. You know what you have to do.
You know I love you no matter what.

Terry

[Totsie59]

Hang in there...you have alot of friend and love here...stay strong...

[worried878]

girl..i taint gonna forget about the new yrs eve agreement..rmember?

we pm-ed about it probably a yr ago...we said we would still be clean and everyone else would be gone from this forum???but we r still here...we r both still struggling...we r both still fighting to ths day!   dernation..u used..it is not the end of ur world.,,,,we just gotta pick ourselves up and move forward again...moving backwards is not an option..this we know..and my love...and a tear reach ur way..when the going gets tough the tough get going...dont forget that corey...and dont forget me...i took some hope in our new yrs resolution yrs from now,,,,dont forget it,,,k?

[merrymaria]

corey....if the subject of pills comes up around others i m completely honest....telling my whole story usually seeing a look of shock....i don t care...i have to keep being honest...i am proud of my clean time and worked hard for it and if i want to blab my mouth...oh well...some people think this is just awful....we need to do what feels right for us...i know you can face this challenge head on...believe...believe...and follow your heart...sending love and prayers...maria

[bmdad]

The more people we tell the more of a chance we have for success. I too struggle with telling anyone around me too though. I know I should but just cannot bring myself to do so. I'm on day 12 after going cold turkey and I made a promise to myself that if I relapse again, even if it is for my back pain, I will let everyone know that is in my life. I once had a year clean so know I can do it again.
It's great you are making changing that you feel you need to make. The job situation sounds tough. It's hard to throw away a job but if it is a huge trigger, it may be best to do so. Throwing away a job is so much better than throwing away your life. I hope you can find another job considering the way the economy is right now but they are out there. You may just have to search a little harder. Another great thing you are doing is seeking some sort of counseling. A addiction therapist might be the way to go. I have yet to be to a NA meeting but from what I have heard you will greatly benefit from going.
Just keep going strong and never give up the fight. If you fight hard enough and use all of the resources out there this very well could be the last time you have to post saying you relapsed. I'm glad you posted all this stuff because it helps me realize how much I need to seek aftercare or at the very least, a addiction therapist. I too need to do things different. I need to realize that I may not be able to conquer this demon alone.
Hang in there! You will beat this demon once and for all!
Best of luck to you Corey!
Brian

[gizzy32]

I agree, telling on your addiction is something it dont' want, but telling on it helps us the most and hold us accountable. Keeping our addiction a secret keeps us sick. Don't worry about the karma, i know in the past we always used to relapse at the same time, but I am a different man today and using is no longer an option.

Can you please keep posting and helping here, you have a lot to offer and experience. Lets make this the last relapse and keep moving forward. I still want to give ya a kick in the bum tho, lol. PM me anytime, you have a lot of support here and we believe in you:)

[10356]

Hi Corey.. I'm so glad to see you here. see it is not that bad Giz is fine ya made some knew friends and nobody got all over you :)) I'm proud and Happy for you.. no bad karma comes from getting clean.. You know what you have to do I just wanted you to know I add my support to all the above !! One day at a time my friend. love lesa (wabbawabba :))

[corey411]

Hey Giz, Thanks so much for the support. One of the first things that I told Lesa  about before I posted this was giving you bad karma. I do know that I have alot of time invested in my recovery even though I relapsed. I wasn't even going to post because what can anyone tell me that I haven't said myself...but the support is nice and telling on my addiction is something I have to do more often.Your right,  I have been struggling with some big time cravings over the past couple months. I'm going to start this woman's NA meeting that meets once a week as soon as it starts staying lighter out. (I can't see to drive at night). I'm so proud of you for all of your clean time and know that you won't come tumbling after lol.
James and Kim, thank you both for being here for me. Kim, you have done so well with your recovery and you James, are on your way. You should be feeling a little better physically now....I hope.
Sophie, thanks for always being there for me. I do have to get back in the NOW....without pills. This forum would not be anything close to the same without you girl.
Hey Eagle, I see you got a new name. Hope that you see that you posted a message for Worried on the wrong thread. I have been thinking of you and hoping that you are OK. Thanks again for the support guys. I feel better having let it out of the bag to someone...now my family.....Hugs, Corey

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

oI cooled off from some flamer that cant even remember what he even  wrote- even a semi professional - most congregations offer help and care for sickness - - compassion they call it - - still boils my oil when you mentioned the Kid part- - -   your verdict at trial will go against you and you deserve it - - yet you dont understand why?   even the most simple things about  male female relationship............are something else that you missed entirely.................hope he has Children run the buiness well - -     Wont asked any questions about the sinus involvment yet with MRSA- - will wait  for real help to come along- - - - large area the size of a dime  are full of puss and blood and and get scary   but dont you loose any of your precious sleep for a patient or let the good times roll dept.........................

[SophieShine]

Corey, you were not in The Now. You told me this months ago and it did help me so much.....
Please get back on the sobriety road and feel the freedom, you deserve it soooo much. You are a free spirit my friend!
With all my love and support.
sophie.
If you need to talk, ya know where to find me lol....

[stilltrying1965]

Corey you ca do this again you desserve to be happy.You are a verystrog woman and you ca getback on the horse ad start to live the clean happy life hugs to you Corey,,,James

[kimbraveheart]

Hi Corey, I dont think you should beat yourself up about this either. You ca do this again, i know you can. Plus the extra pressure of havnig exposure to them isnt helpful at all. You must have bee so strong to be able to stop them but still see them all the time in the first place. As a friend told me once, relapse is part of recovery so dont let yourself get to down over this. I relapsed countless times, james is still relapsing, but we will all get there in the end. But you are right, us addicts shouldt go to deep into our heads, it is dangerous. You were and still are a big part of our recovery, so we all need you here, So let the guilt go and dot worry about this hiccup, you will do it.....Kim and James

[gizzy32]

Hi Corey,

Your such a strong women and will pull through this. I know you have worked your recovery and made greats strides and this relapse is not starting over, you already know what you have to do and learned from this again.

I remember your posts a few months back and could see this coming. When we start to crave and struggle in order to stay clean we have to work our recovery harder then ever to ensure our sobriety. Remember, relapse is a process, not an event.

You did this before and will again. I am still proud of you my friend. Hugs.

[Back2Me]

I know what you mean about head problems. This are the worse. I am not usually depressive but after I detox there have been times I have contiplated suicide. That bites man hang in there

[corey411]

Thanks so much for the support guys. When all is said and done we are the ones who have to pick ourselves up and get clean but it sure makes it a bit easier when you know that you have others who care and understand.
Back2Me I have been having "slips" for the passed couple of months. Used a couple days the not for a couple weeks and then used a couple days again. The passed month has been worse and the slips have been more. I will have some physical wd to get past but not full blown. At this point in my recovery, I am not that fearful of the physical. Everytime I relapse, the head stuff gets worse. Even when I relapsed and only used for 2 days once....My head was in a really bad place from it.
kc156, thanks for the support and kind words. I will keep you in my good thoughts as well and hope that your taper goes well.
Thank you so much Maria, You are such a good person and I thank you for being here for me. I think that basicly the whole month of February triggered me. We have had so much snow and have been snowed in and it's dark and dreary. Been having some relationship problems and had a really vivid dream that my cancer returned and it was the kind that I couldn't shake for days.Started getting depressed and instead of talking to someone about it, I kinda just went into my own head and wallowed in it.....We addicts got to stay out of our heads lol. Not a good place to be alone. Thank you for your support. Corey

[merrymaria]

hi corey...yes this happens to the best of us....was there something that triggered you?  as kc said...don t beat yourself up over this....you know in your heart you can do it...you seem like a strong woman who has always given great advise to others and you are compassionate.....believe in yourself....that chapter of your life is over and it s time to start a new one....a free one...if you want to pm me or need any help please ask...sending you love...prayers and strength....maria

[kc156]

With your outlook,you will succeed .I don't know you as I have only been around here for a couple of months,since I decided to taper off methadone.This forum is a place to invoke a lot of inner strengths.Seems that you have access to pills at your work, and that must be a curse.
Please do not be too hard on yourself,you have actually done well,and if you keep at it,you will be free.We must all keep up the good fight.                       karl

[Back2Me]

How long have you been off the wagon? Long enough for wd's if you stopped now or did you just have a little slip?