Here's why we can't have secrets

[kyle505]

Wow...Two posts in two days - a first for me.
Anyway, one of the things that I "recommend" (strongly) to anyone trying to get and stay clean is telling your secret. In my opinion, based in 15 years of failure, you have to let your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, trusted family member or friend know that you are an addict trying to recover. Those people will be part of a very important support system down the line.
So for me, it's 20 months down the line, and this is what happened last night -
My daughter got a call from our neighbor. They had gone out for the evening and left their house open. They asked her to go over, check it out, and then close it up. It was dark so she came to me and asked that I go with her. Now here's the point (finally) - my neighbor's husband is an ortho doc. He ALWAYS has Vics in his house. I know this because he's one of the people I stole from when I was using...I probably took hundreds of pills from him. My wife is aware of this because I've told her. Well when my daughter asked me to go over, my wife looked at me, kind of winked, and told my daughter that she'd go with her - felt like getting out of the house anyway.  
Moral - if I hadn't told my secret - made my wife a part of my long-term recovery - then I really can't say if I'd have given in to the temptation. I'd like to think that I wouldn't have, but for now I don't want to see if I'd pass that kind of a test.
Tell your secret, otherwise you will use behind it.
K

[VICourageous]

Thank You!  I like what FourJays said about it only being a Temp Fix that requires a Long Time Repair..haha  Just Say NO to Drugs!!!

[kyle505]

Thanks. During emotional times like you're going through, I always remind myself that an excuse to use is just that - an excuse...it's never a reason. You'll be fine and of more help to your family because you ARE clear headed and thinking of their needs, not your own.
K

[VICourageous]

Thanks Guy..You know what is strange or shell I say OK. As you might know I am dealing with my Mom and cancer and my Dad was told he had it and has only Maybe 6 months. WELL it is SO much better to handle this Clear Headed. I am totally giving it to God and not being a Yo-Yo running around all crazy and emotional..This is a very new experience since I have lost many and ran and tried to hide..Not this time..Great Post by the Way..lol

[kyle505]

What a wonderful approach. None of us can see in to the future, but I'd be surprised if you weren't wildly successful at whatever you put your mind to.
K

[VICourageous]

GREAT POST!!!  I can say in a strange way that I am glad to be an Addict in Recovery. I tell everybody and anybody. I am the happiest I have ever been since who knows when. I feel closer to my God ever and my Family and everyone around me. I did some BIG changes in my Life to be able to save my Life. I love being able to have respect from my Dr, pharmacist, dentist whenever I go. I am struggling with some serious issues right now and I can handle them much better Straight Headed. I would have not found such BEAUTIFUL Caring people that are on MH. SO Yes God has a Plan and he is not done Yet..He was just waiting for me to come back.lol
Bless Us ALL.

[ActingBrandNew]

And I admire you Kyle for being strong enough to do the right thing at the right time. I wish you continued success in your recovery and blessings to you and your family.

[kyle505]

Pretty powerful stuff. And I admire how you handled yourself and your ability to look back with such clarity.  As far as the secret thing going public in your case, it seems to have done you some good. It is unfortunate that some public institutions sill have an idiotic understanding of addiction, but that's another post.
Congrats on some amazing clean time. Hopefully a new person will read your post and learn from it.
Thanks again
K

[ActingBrandNew]

Oh...I totally agree with you post and the honesty thing. Im on board 100% I just reminisce every now and then on how I could of handles things differently. Posts like these get me thinking. I do believe that even if one finds themselves in a situation like mine...they have to find a way to be honest....even if that means a divorce. So yeah, maybe a therapist or something to mediate...who knows.

I last used Feb 2nd 2010 at 9:30am. I went to jail for firearm possession 2 hours later. I called my then wife from jail and decided to tell my secret then....I was served with divorce papers 1 month later. In the custody section of the divorce papers laid out my "secret" for the judge to see. I lost all custody. Im not writing this to discourage people out of honesty...on the contrary. I urge people in my situation to seek professional help in the telling of the secret.

And please, Im not writing this for pity. My divorce and losing custody played a part in my "bottom"....so Im grateful. Ive been clean since that Feb 2nd 2010 day I was arrested.

[kyle505]

You bring up a good point. As with any aspect of recovery, we are all different. My approach probably wouldn't have worked for you, but as an aside, it sounds like you may be better off out of the relationship anyway. We addicts need that kind of support. It's a must as far as ongoing recovery. And as far as being fragile in the first stages of detox/recovery, I believe that's exactly when we need to tell our secret. We are beaten down, humbled and strung out because of our addiction. IF we wait, many of us (I did this for years) reconsider what we know we should do. The addict's mind is back in control, whispering things like, "well, that detox wasn't too bad. I know that I'll never abuse my script again. I can control this now."  
I sat down with my wife and three kids; I admitted that I'm an addict. That the father and husband they thought they knew had lied and deceived them for 15 years. I broke down, and they hugged me. Ah, forgiveness (now if I could only forgive myself).  Anyway, I'm rambling again.
I'd say in a situation like your's you'd have to seek out someone else; maybe a health professional. Maybe a family member/friend. And, there is always NA Meetings and finding a sponsor. They are available 24/7. But eventually, you'd have to tell her, maybe with a sponsor on board to moderate and with some legit clean time under your belt.  Thanks again for posting something so personal.
K

[ActingBrandNew]

Yeah...I guess so. I mean...my ex wife knew about my drug history. When we got together I was clean though. I did relapse during our marriage in which I ended up in prison....so yeah, she found out then. Everybody always tells me I should have come clean to her while I was using....easier said than done (with her) I just wonder if in some situations there needs to be a mediator involved or something....

[glamisgirl]

Not really sure how you would have been able to but it does sound like to me you guys just were not right for each other maybe. Maybe that unconditional love and support wasn't there in that relationship and you deserve nothing less. For me I never had to tell my husband he came to me and pretty much put me on blast about everything and also told my family and friends so he told my secret for me. Goes to show I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought I was. Anyway even though that all made me very angry at the time, sense then he has been the biggest support I could ever ask for. I now see he didn't do all this to be mean and betray me he did it out of fear of losing me to this addiction.

[ActingBrandNew]

If I could just add to your wonderful thread about honesty and secrets...Id like to ask in what kind of environment do you recommend an addict coming clean about addiction with his/her significant other? Do you just sit down and spill your guts or do you seek professional help and have your "tell all" session in front of a counselor who can help with the processing of information?

See....I never came clean with my now ex-wife. I was always too afraid. She was the type that "put a 10 on a 2" I always wanted to and I envy those of you who have that relationship with your SO to be able to do that. If I had sat down with my ex wife...she would have called my mom, the police, my parole officer, the president, fox news, ....and some.

So for those in that situation...whats your advice? Looking back...I think maybe if I had come clean in front a processional, that may have been good. But even then...who knows. When we are in that first stage of recovery we are fragile....and its hard to make that decision to quit let alone sustain those thoughts. I dont see how I would have made being honest to her work....

So...years later and divorced I read posts like these and wonder was I the only one in a relationship like that. Im not trying to bad mouth the woman...shes a great mom to my kids...but how would I have been able to approach the whole "no secrets" thing with her?

[kyle505]

You put that so well - that's exactly what my wife is to me, but I've never been able to phrase it so eloquently.
K

[WalkTall]

Point well-taken.  When I broke-down and admitted to my wife that I'm an addict, it was like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulders.  Now she's my guardian, my counselor, and my conscience.

[dominosarah]

I would hunt you down Kyle!!  

[kyle505]

Thanks. I'd hope so.
K

[dominosarah]

You are stronger than you realize Kyle and you have no secrets.

[kyle505]

Sarah:
I fear these types of situations more than almost anything else related to my addiction and recovery. Honestly, I don't know if I would have had the strength to do what you did, but your story does give me hope. With greater sobriety will come (hopefully) the ability to deal with these things better.
Great post.
K

[dominosarah]

I am one who pretty much tells anyone i am a recovering addict.  Recently i switched one of my jobs and i work at a hotel in the housekeeping dept.  My employer knows and so does my supervisors.  Yesterday i opened a rerent room and went into the bathroom to take towels out and tidy up.  There on the counter sat pill bottles.  I instantly left the room and went and got my supervisor who came and finished the bathroom for me.  She hugged me after we were done and said i am so proud of you for coming to get me.   I have no idea if i would of looked or touched but i wasnt going to take that chance.

[kyle505]

I'm glad to hear that you've made so much progress, and that you've put things in place for an on going recovery.
And don't feel bad - a lot of folks have poo-poo'd me. Even said some not too kind things about my approach, but bottom line, I only want people to succeed, and so I push when I feel it's necessary.
Thanks; your reply means a lot to me.
K

[Wildewoman]

I sort of poo-poo'd you back on day # 1 - but since then I have learned a lot.

My husband - he knew before I did.

We told our therapist & doctor & I have told 2 of my very dear friends - all have been amazing!!

[kyle505]

Forgot this -
Part of my point is that these kind of situations can come for us, at any time, unexpected, unplanned for, out of the blue. Others have posted about finding a pill at the bottom of a purse, down in the crack of a car seat, under a bedroom dresser. It happens, and we have to have a plan in place.
Thanks
K

[ROSYouralright]

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing!! Your absolutely correct! I attended my first meeting last night and WOW it was like a 100 lb weight was lifted off my shoulders....