I thought being honest with all physicians, counselors, etc. would help to avoid substances which would lead me in the same direction; although my personal drug knowledge is similar to a pharmaceutical handbook, mixed with virtually every other down known to man, I'm hardly an expert on mood stabilizers, antidepressants and the lot.
Anyway, more than 4 months ago I started seeing a counselor regularly to assist in my Suboxone treatment and the essential weaning off of the Suboxone. I've attempted sobriety on my own, either half- way or full throttle, more than a few times, and I've failed. I searched success rates and local doctors who offer the treatment; I found a doctor in Big Spring, Tx, a couple hours from me, and started the treatment a little more than a year ago. Long story short, the doctor could give two ***** of my progress and has little to no knowledge in addiction and how it truly works. He only takes cash, does phone visits, preaches about positivity and the power of positive thinking, it makes me ill just thinking about it.
I finally started seeing a counselor, he's done the "leg-work", so to speak, in my recovery. Understanding how my mind works, how an ADDICT'S mind works, and how to help me get in the right direction. I started working with a local physician to help with the depression, which I've never truly felt as I've been regularly under-the-influence of opiates since I was 15; because of this, I was open to suggestions. I've been honest entirely for the first time in a long time. He prescribed Paxil and kolonypin (SP?), which was GREAT! Until I ran out, and couldn't reach the ******.
Now, I have a history of seizures, due to the damage really as I didn't have them prior to my addiction, but all tonics. During my 'withdrawal' of Paxil, I've had a grand mal seizure, in my car, a full blown panic attack with overwhelming suicidal thoughts, and I can't eat. Anything. I'm vomiting, constantly. I've never experienced such a mentally exhausting withdrawal, and, at my worst, I was on more that 320 mgs of oxy a day, so I know sick. I know it well, it's what we all fear is that ******* sickness. I'm lost, mentally, and I'm confused, I can't focus. The first two days I couldn't stop crying, I wanted to die, more than anything, I wanted to die.
This may be my fault, idk how I've gotten to this position. I'm trying to build up my life, become more responsible and the woman I'm 'meant to be' or whatever. I'm relapsing just to get a break from my mind. Please try to be as kind as possible in responses, advice, answers, whatever, cause I'm at my brink here man.
HELP!