ok heres my story

[addlover]

ive been lurking for a very long time.  thought I should stop hiding behind the laptop, and just spill it.  so here goes.  I have been addicted to some sort of drug for a very long time.  started in high school with coke, marijuana , LSD.  just the basics, LOL. then college with alcohol , then marriage with food, then came the pills.  oh my the pills, just about anything that had an opiate in it.  then got "caught" and did a stint in rehab, then was put on Suboxone. that was 10 years ago.  still on sub.  I know this is going to tick off a bunch of ya.  but... every time I tried coming off sub I relapsed.  so with my drs best wishes and my best interest at heart, I stay on the subs, for fear of relapse.  
now if that's not enough for ya, ... wait for it.... im also on Adderal.  prescribed by same dr.  a shrink, an "addiction specialist"   from the first second I took the very first adderal pill I was in love, total head over heels in love.
but... im falling apart at the seams,   all those great things I thought I was doing on the pills, don't seem so great anymore.  its just another drug in the long list of abused substances
im at a loss right now, I don't know weather to give it up or just take another
I know im not original in my stinking thinking.  but God, im so torn.  I love the energy, hate the crash.  my bi polar brain hates it too.  oh yeah folks, im also bi polar  , read something not to long ago that said Adderal is contraindicated in substance abuse history, depression, and anxiety.  now when I take it I get so down, don't even get the energy anymore.  I took too much a couple weeks ago, and had a pretty bad reaction.  blood pressure through the roof, face, hands and feet swollen.  vision blurry, could not see much, very paranoid, lips tingling .  I think you are getting a visual,  I was AFU!!
so what did I learn from that?  don't take 15 in one day.  that's all I took away from that experience .  
there has got to be a better way, this is not who I want to be.  God, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me.  I say all this and still don't want to quit.  I do   but I don't,  does that make any sense? that angel on my shoulder says quit, that devil says no no no, you don't have to quit, just make some adjustments.  
anyway, that's the long and short of it
let me know what you guys are thinking, good, bad and ugly. let me have it.  don't hold back, give it to me straight
thank you for reading, just another angry housewife here

[Emerody]

My friend- I am so glad you posted. I am here for you. I know you can do this, but you have to know that. No more searching. You know what needs to be done.

[motye51]

I just came off the subs (was on for 6 yrs) and it was very hard, i don't want to lie. But i know nothing about adderal???? The combo of the two w/ detoxing could be bad? Don't know. But my "addiction" specialist was trying to keep me on the subs b/c she was making bank, not b/c i needed them!  I got tired of paying her car note!  Do u have family/friends around u that u could tell and get them to help? I told my husband and kids and they all rallied around me (good damn thing) and so far, its the best decision i've ever made.  As soon as i was mobile, started going to n/a....has helped alot! You are definately NOT alone.....research the adderall and get more info. Keep posting and let us know what u find?

[clean_in_ks]

First...welcome to the forum...glad you found the courage to post~

Of course we all relate to the "yes, I wanna quit"..."no, I don't"  What addict wouldn't relate to that?  The drugs "work" for awhile....that's what hooks us.
At some point.....the negatives out weigh the positives.  They STOP working and they literally turn on us.  We get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  We each reach that point in a different way; through different circumstances.  BUT...the kicker is...some of us die before we make that choice.  

You excessive dose of adderall could have killed you....and yet, as you admitted all you came away with from that experience was that you shouldn't take 15 in one day ???

With your drug history.....your bipolar.....still being on subs and taking massive amounts of adderall......the most beneficial gift you could give yourself is to check into an inpatient rehab.  You need that kind of help....an environment that shuts you off from life's daily stresses and interruptions...where you only focus on YOU....and ADDICTION. As hard as that may "sound" right now.....it's probably the most life changing gift you could give to yourself.  But as you said, we can't make you "want it"....that's a place you have to "come to" within yourself~

[VICourageous]

Hi and Welcome..SO you have been a lurker..That is a plus on your side because I am sure you have heard many things over & over about this disease of addiction. I too was a user off and on since I was 14 and now I am 57. There are many, many reason "why" but that is the past.
I am not to knowable about Bipolar but we have a lot on here with it. I was snorting my Methadone with Adderral in the last Years before I came clean. Do not have ADHD so it would get me all wired up like the Crank days..I have never heard of them using it for Bipolar.
It takes a lot of work to get off drugs and stay off..That is why I say the detox is the easy part (hard) but the work begins to stay clean.
It takes a long time for the Brain to adjust back from the removal of these Stims. I sure would like to see you come clean and learn how to deal with Life without a Substance. It is very hard, but it has SO many more rewards. One thing I always think about is how it can save your Life or give you more Life in the long run. You know we are here for you all the way.
If you decide to come off the Subs I would make sure you do this with the DR. Give it a try and then set your self up with some out side support so you do not have a relasp..Even if you do just pick your self back up and UP the Support. You have to really want this. Give your self a chance to see how life is clean & sober..It will not happen over night, but you soon will reap the rewards. Come back and let us know what is going on..I wish you the best..You have just taken the first Step and that one is the Biggest. Now it is all up to YOU.
Bless