How to help/deal with a loved one with a drug problem

[Leah]

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope! Having a heart condition (open heart surgery) recently, the stress of dealing with a unhappy child on drugs and knowing what to do for them,the right way to handle the situation, and not cause them more trouble is
becoming more difficult each day. Question, do I keep calm and agree with them, listen to there problems,or get angry and shout and say "you have to help yourself first"? Please give me any advice so I will do the right thing.  Thank You!

[susanlea]

Thank you for your post. It's been a crazy 3 days. He did come over tonite, but I still don't know why? He didn't have dinner, he just sat there, he talked alittle, watched tv and left. At first he was a little jumpy and edgy. We got into it just alittle. He stills says his addiction had nothing to do with the problems. That it was me trying to control everything. I told him what I had found thru AL-ANON, that we become unmanageable, because of the insanity of the disease, we become obsessive, compulsive, we become out of control. I told him I felt helpless, that I could not control his addictions, and that when he was abusing, I coudln't take the distance, emotional withdrawal, the lack of affection. I told him it all made me crazy, not the person I really am. I asked him if he was still using methadone, he is, says 10 to 15 mgs. aday. But he doesn't look healthy, no color, alittle heavy. He says he always has headaches. That he's tired all the time, all he does is go to work and home to sleep. Nothing else, he doesn't go out. He says he just wants to get his act together, I wish him all the luck in the world. I asked him if he planned to go to NA meetings, get a sponser,counseling, something. He said no, he has it under control and doesn't need anything, or anyones help. He can do it on his own. Is he just fooling himself here? I don't see him able to do it, he's tried that numberous times. He asked me if I had something for his headaches, I said sure TYLENOL,I told him I nolonger take pills. He saw my patch, and asked me for one, things don't change. I finally realized in my heart and my head. I can't help him, I finally can accept it, and not just say it. It's out of my hands. The scariest thing, is what if he's right, what if the problems were not because of the addiction. That would make him a very mean and emotionally empty creature. I don't think I would love him then. What if he's just really like this now. He got alittle nicer after awhile, just talked, but I actually say him laugh, it's been a long time. When he left, he said he would come by again. What's this about? We can't just co-exsist like this, what does he want from this? I guess it's hard for him to let go too. Everyone forgot his birthday but me. What did he do to his kids, to make them not want to be with, or see him, they care so little for him, what did he do to them? Theres' more to this story than I know, maybe he's always been like this......Love Susan Lea

[Kerrie]

Thanks  for your reply. I was caught by what you asid about the xanex.My daughter has been forgetting a lot of things and remembering things that never happened.
  She would tell me one thing and swear she never said it and call me a liar for making it up. Then she would convince herself of things that never happened.
  Could this be due to the xanex? This drug is new to me. I'd like anything you can tell me about it. Also about the withdrawel symptoms. I want to pass this on to her.
  Thanks again.
      Kerrie

[Brighty]

Your story reaches the depths of my soul. I will pray for your family... and those innocent babies. As you said you can't make her change... nobody on this earth can make an addict change except themselves... often it simply has to be enough suffering... sometimes this is jail. I NEVER EVER believe people on drugs belong in jail.. it is not treatment, not by any standards. But if the down time gets a person to decide to make changes then to some degree it may be the catalyst for change... then it was worthwhile. I am convinced that the xanax, not the opites, is the bigger problem in terms of her irrational and destructive behavior.... it's one of the worst drugs out there.. it's binds very quickly and very tightly to receptors in the brain... it is also a powerful amnesiac and causes varying degrees of psychosis. This is not a drug that a person can detox from at home... it is a very dangerous withdrawl and can cause seizures and death. I hope you talk to Thomas about some of the effects... she MUST go to detox facility to be tapered correctly... the oxy's are bad enough on their own but with xanax it's like gasoline and matches... I'm afraid.. it gives me chills because I remember how totally irrational my daughter was on that stuff...if she does not come to her senses I am afraid she will end up in the jail again... but honesly, having been there... it was so horribly painful... it was the only place she was slowed down to become abstinent and finally got her brain to work again... sad huh ??? You have many many prayers.

Love, Brighty

[Kerrie]

Hi Brighty,
    I appreciate you answering back. I need all the help I can get with her.
    My daughter started out taking the pills for migrains.Then she liked the high and quickly started to misuse them.She is doing marajuana ,xanex,percocet,and afew others I can't spell. But you get the picture. The thing is, she can convince the doctors to give her more and increase the strength.She just went to the doctor last week. A girl that knew her had called the doctor and reported her and she convinced him the girl was lying.He increased her meds and the strength. I told her she had better use them right because she would not be geting anymore from me. I always hide them when I know she's coming over.I don't ever see her except when she wants something though.
  She was in jail in May of last year for having drugs without a prescription when they were stopped in Georgia for a broke windshield. The cops could tell they were messed up and searched their car and each person. She had 10 valuim on her and 2 xanex.Her brother-in-law had pot in his suitcase. So they were arrested. She spent a week in jail. She went to court in December and they gave her 3 years probation and an 1800.00 fine. They are suppose to transfer her probation to Tennessee.So far it hasn't been transfered. But she is still doing the pot too. If they do a random drug test on her she will go to jail.She doesn't think they'll do anything.I've tried to tell her they'll send her to Georgia to serve out her probation but she doesn't believe me. I've put it in Gods hands. I can't make her listen.
  She too has tried to kill herself. She ran her truck into a tree when she was 5 months pregnant.She has sliced her arms up with a razor. She put her hand through a fish tank when she was mad at her husband. I fear for her life. But I have worried until I am sick. I can't turn it over to God and then take it back. So pray I don't fall back into trying to fix it myself. I know it's out of my power. Thanks to everyone here, I'm trying to be there for her without helping her problem by giving her my pills.I am not able to bail her out of jail if it comes to that. I know it will come to that yet. I'd rather it be that than her life.
  Keep me in your prayers friends.
    Kerrie

[Brighty]

I cannot recall the circumstances from when you first posted not too long ago... if at all possible your married daughter and her children belong together with the husband and daddy of these kids... you are a saint and I'm afraid, soon to be a martyr... I have a couple of years on you and have not had to deal with the serious health problems you have... you need to take care of yourself.. .living with this addiction is like living under Mt. Vesuvius.... it's emotionally volatile, mentally taxing, and your health may not withstand too much more of this. Physically, you really ought not be handling child care under any circumstances... do you have a plan, Kerrie ??  I know one thing... you will not be able to do much about her addiction... she has to do it... if you make it tough on her perhaps she'll handle it. My story is not identical... my daugher started with heroin at 18... she already had, unknown to me, a xanax addiction from rx for her panic and anxiety disorder... this helped spiral her into getting used to getting drugs from other places than the doctors.. and she was apparently snowballing a few of them... it was a 3 year nightmare... she did numerous detox and rehab facitities, got in trouble with the law, went to jail, got out and was still using in her pre-trial intervention program... had been trying to commit suicide.. 7 attempts in 3 years.. yes, mental hospitals too, and finally the judge heard she didn't show up in court because she was on life support... she (the judge) listened to an impassioned plea in open court from her dad and I to please revoke her bail and lock her up because we did not know how else to keep her alive.. she went to jail after a long hospital stay and a mental ward to stabilize her.. she was then mandated to a long term treatment in a primarily mental health treatment program.. after 5 months she "snapped to" so to speak and chose to begin her healing.. She came home last Christmas and is on house arrest for 2 years.. monitor on her ankle... will be followed by probation for another 2 years... she's active in recovery but there have been a few bumps with the behaviors and romanticizing the drug... all part of the journey I'm told.. she did 5 days out patient from Dec. to March.. 3 days thru April and now is down to one day a week and must do for no less than one year.. this is important.. to continue to work on the underlying issues, and staying with a recovery program... it's been very hard, Kerrie.

Your daughter may be comforted to know that at her first rehab she met the high school foot ball coach.. they promised to not tell anyone they saw eachother there. There is a sacredness to the confidentiality in treatment programs ... I have seen the inside of nearly every treatment center from Philadelphia to Florida... she did 9 of them !!! There is nothing to be embarassed over... there are doctors and nurses in treatment as well as people of all races and ages.. all career backgrounds... we met one 73 year old lady who had been widowed 8 months before... she finally decided to quit drinking after reflecting the impact it had on her family for so many years.. that takes courage. I hope your daughter will not deprive herself of at least giving it a try. I will send you healing prayers.

Love, Brighty

[susanlea]

It's called something like "Barretts order" "Butler" "Barnet" something like that. I'll find out the name, my brother in law is a circut court judge, 6th district. If you have to, if you really feel she's a danger to herself, or your grandchildren, you can have her put into a 28 day program. State will pay for it, and if she's working, they have to allow her time off, vacation and sick leave can be used, if none without pay and she can't lose her job. They can not ask where she is, where she's going, and for what. She can tell them to stick it! Let me know......Love Susan