Aa
How to help/deal with a loved one with a drug problem
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope! Having a heart condition (open heart surgery) recently, the stress of dealing with a unhappy child on drugs and knowing what to do for them,the right way to handle the situation, and not cause them more trouble is
becoming more difficult each day. Question, do I keep calm and agree with them, listen to there problems,or get angry and shout and say "you have to help yourself first"? Please give me any advice so I will do the right thing. Thank You!
becoming more difficult each day. Question, do I keep calm and agree with them, listen to there problems,or get angry and shout and say "you have to help yourself first"? Please give me any advice so I will do the right thing. Thank You!
As an recovering addict myself, I can tell you with experience that until your loved one wants to get help for themselves, no amount of input (yelling, listening, agreeing or disagreeing) will change them at all. The only thing you can do is find some support for yourself -- groups such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are two of the primary resources available to help people whose lives are touched by those abusing drugs and/or alcohol. My prayers and best wishes are with you, and please feel free to use this forum as a resource in your own journey towards recovery.
Peace,
Pelle
Peace,
Pelle
I am going to give you some more rope on this and I do not want you hanging yourself with it either.
I do not think anger helps you or the child,but it seems to be a natural response.
Now realize that one should attempt to gain control over their emotions by their intellect and using your will to do so and if you are lucky enough drawing upon your God to do so.
So I think the best way to approach the problem is with more thought and less of this emotion,"anger".
One must have intent in mind, to survive this situation, otherwise one may unintentionally do more harm than good, to both child and yourself.
but how do you fix both problems?, well you use your will to dipense with the anger,get rid of it,no good.
The Drug problem is difficult as you have given no specifics, but did the anger preceed it?, where you always angry?, has the anger any relationship to the drug problem other than that it occured as a response to it?.
This is a start at least.
I do not think anger helps you or the child,but it seems to be a natural response.
Now realize that one should attempt to gain control over their emotions by their intellect and using your will to do so and if you are lucky enough drawing upon your God to do so.
So I think the best way to approach the problem is with more thought and less of this emotion,"anger".
One must have intent in mind, to survive this situation, otherwise one may unintentionally do more harm than good, to both child and yourself.
but how do you fix both problems?, well you use your will to dipense with the anger,get rid of it,no good.
The Drug problem is difficult as you have given no specifics, but did the anger preceed it?, where you always angry?, has the anger any relationship to the drug problem other than that it occured as a response to it?.
This is a start at least.
well, Pelle and Spook are both so right, Brighty is a good one for this subject as she struggled with her own child and I know that is no secret to this forum...My own mom God rest her soul struggled with me and I remember the anger in her voice,,the first time she confronted me, which so quicky turned to fear...and then right into denial her anger did nothing to stop me, as a matter of fact her anger led to my anger etc...it was a mess...we were all angry...anger is bad....is eats at you,,,it festers...then it all comes crashing down.....take what spook and pelle says to heart.....alanon, etc....they can help...love to all cindi
Frankly, Leah, considering you're having (or have had) open heart surgery, your child should be asking you what he can do for YOU. I'm not saying addiction can be shrugged off simply because you have more acute care needs. I would give them the option of going to detox and rehab so that they can return home to help YOU, or leaving home for good so they can pursue their career as a full-time drug addict. Logic says that these courses of action are mutually exclusive. Your child cannot continue to practice his addiction -- which will only grow more and become more severe (i.e., all-encompassing and astronomically expensive) -- and even pretend to give you the help you need and deserve because of your heart problems. If you try to combat his addiction yourself, you will not only fail as virtually all parents fail, but will bring about your own death in the process. Just make sure that your addicted child is not sole beneficiary in your will, unless you want to see your life savings go up his nose or into his arm. You're in no position to be software-hearted or forgiving right now. My advice is, he either goes to rehab for the purpose of returning home to help you, or he moves out and makes it on his own, not bothering you with his endless need for drugs and all the financial and legal problems that that need will generate.
I am a 30-year-long prescription narcotic addict. Thank god and AA, I have enjoyed a period going-on three months free of narcotics. It doesn't sound like much in some ways, but it's opened my heart to others suffering from my same disease, while also hardening my heart toward addicts that are so caught up in their habits that they ignore the needs of a family member in dire need, such as in your case. Give your child hard choices. No wiggle room. No excuses. And you don't need to do it in anything but a calm, firm voice. For that matter, for moral support and understanding when you do it, first contact AA and ask for some members to come over and help you say what you need to say to this child. Believe me, call AA and you'll get a friendly, welcoming voice on the other end of the phone, with several fellow members ready to come over to your house right away. Needless to say, it's all-free and, believe me, very effective. Good luck with your heart problems, Leah. Take care of yourself.
P.S. Just remember, coming from the voice of experience: when an addict's addiction is "in full bloom," there is no room in their hearts for anything but their own needs. It's not that they're evil - they can start out being church-going, charity-giving pillars of the community. However, hard narcotics like heroin, speed (meth) or cocaine affect the human brain in ways that simply overwhelm all the good breeding or family upbringing in the world. NO ONE can withstand the effects of these drugs. Additionally, for some individuals, the same is true for the effects of alcohol. Don't delude yourself: even if you didn't have heart problems, your child's addictions would be too much for you to handle effectively.
To contact AA, you can either try your local Yellow Pages, or, perhaps, the directory at the following web address will have the number you need:
http://www.aa.org/CtrOff_d1.html
Best of Luck!
Thomas
I am a 30-year-long prescription narcotic addict. Thank god and AA, I have enjoyed a period going-on three months free of narcotics. It doesn't sound like much in some ways, but it's opened my heart to others suffering from my same disease, while also hardening my heart toward addicts that are so caught up in their habits that they ignore the needs of a family member in dire need, such as in your case. Give your child hard choices. No wiggle room. No excuses. And you don't need to do it in anything but a calm, firm voice. For that matter, for moral support and understanding when you do it, first contact AA and ask for some members to come over and help you say what you need to say to this child. Believe me, call AA and you'll get a friendly, welcoming voice on the other end of the phone, with several fellow members ready to come over to your house right away. Needless to say, it's all-free and, believe me, very effective. Good luck with your heart problems, Leah. Take care of yourself.
P.S. Just remember, coming from the voice of experience: when an addict's addiction is "in full bloom," there is no room in their hearts for anything but their own needs. It's not that they're evil - they can start out being church-going, charity-giving pillars of the community. However, hard narcotics like heroin, speed (meth) or cocaine affect the human brain in ways that simply overwhelm all the good breeding or family upbringing in the world. NO ONE can withstand the effects of these drugs. Additionally, for some individuals, the same is true for the effects of alcohol. Don't delude yourself: even if you didn't have heart problems, your child's addictions would be too much for you to handle effectively.
To contact AA, you can either try your local Yellow Pages, or, perhaps, the directory at the following web address will have the number you need:
http://www.aa.org/CtrOff_d1.html
Best of Luck!
Thomas
Everyone offered excellent advice filled with the truths that you may not fully understand if you are not an addict. I am not an addict and I will tell you that you need to get Thomas post and print it out and read it like it was your bible... right now is the time to begin.
His commentary is the Kick Ass truth right on down to the business of the will. Addiction is the most self centered condition on earth and will see you into your grave... until an addict suffers enough they are lost in a world of darkness and self destruction... and there is tremendous hope because my child was on heroin using a needle 8-10 times a day and now she is like an angel from heaven..... she had to suffer enough and try desperately to die before she was able to make an attempt at healing. If you do exactly, all that Thomas says. you will save yourself and create a situation where your child may eventually choose the healing that he/she deserves. But don't think you can do it your way... you were just given a treasure map... now please follow it. I have been there and Thomas is right.
Love, Brighty
His commentary is the Kick Ass truth right on down to the business of the will. Addiction is the most self centered condition on earth and will see you into your grave... until an addict suffers enough they are lost in a world of darkness and self destruction... and there is tremendous hope because my child was on heroin using a needle 8-10 times a day and now she is like an angel from heaven..... she had to suffer enough and try desperately to die before she was able to make an attempt at healing. If you do exactly, all that Thomas says. you will save yourself and create a situation where your child may eventually choose the healing that he/she deserves. But don't think you can do it your way... you were just given a treasure map... now please follow it. I have been there and Thomas is right.
Love, Brighty
(Susanlea) Does anyone know what is a lethal dose for oxycotin and methadone? I'm concerned with my ex, I found out he's using 4 to 7 pills of methadone aday. I was reading the reply about how it can stay in your liver, anyone know....Love you guys, Susanlea.......where are you Spook?
Dear Leah,
Hi. I came to this forum several weeks ago as you have. I was looking for advice on how to help my daughter ,age 22,that is an addict. The people on this forum are great help to each other and also to me. I too have a serious health problem.My daughter lived with me along with her husband and a four year old and a baby.I tried talking to her. Begging her.Telling her all the dangers and being there for her. All I got back was ,"tend to your own life,not mine." I came to this forum and was told what to look for and what to exspect. I was given advice and lifted up when I was down.
My daughter had it made here. They paid no rent. Didn't help with groceries.Didn't help with the chores and I took care of the four year old when she went out,which was often.Then I remembered this is my home! So I told her,respect me and your father,help where you can and I'll always be here for you.GET HELP! She didn't have a problem. She really didn't. She took her pain meds in a couple of days and then hit mine and I would end up doing without.I didn't think things could get worse but they did. She became not only disrespectful but started cussing her father and me out whenever she felt like it. Final straw. I realized I was being the co-dependant. I was making it possible for her to get her drugs. She could buy then when her prescriptions ran out because she didn't have to pay for anything.With strength from God and words of wisdom from the people on this forum, the next time she cussed us out, I through her out. Yes ,kids and husband too. I knew they had the money to get an apartment.If they didn't they could sleep in the car. I knew she loved the kids too much to let them be hurt.So they did get an apartment and she promised she would never speak to me again.Within in 2 days she was talking. It's been 2 weeks now and they are making it.She approached me for the first time last week about rehab . She's on probation and afraid she'll go to jail if she doesn't get help. She's right.Now she has to do it or spend 3 years in jail if she breaks her probation. Whatever happens,she's in controll of it.I have a book called tough love. I knew what I should do but couldn't for fear of what would happen to her. That's why it's called tough love.Don't let her destroy you like I almost let my daughter do to me and my husband. If she is a minor,get her put on probation.Here we have a program that helps minors and parents.Sorry this is so long but do talk to the people on this forum.They care.Don't get scared off when the conversation gets strange. I nearly did but was patient and realized they know each other well enough to speak their mind and still care about each other.
God Bless,
Kerrie
Hi. I came to this forum several weeks ago as you have. I was looking for advice on how to help my daughter ,age 22,that is an addict. The people on this forum are great help to each other and also to me. I too have a serious health problem.My daughter lived with me along with her husband and a four year old and a baby.I tried talking to her. Begging her.Telling her all the dangers and being there for her. All I got back was ,"tend to your own life,not mine." I came to this forum and was told what to look for and what to exspect. I was given advice and lifted up when I was down.
My daughter had it made here. They paid no rent. Didn't help with groceries.Didn't help with the chores and I took care of the four year old when she went out,which was often.Then I remembered this is my home! So I told her,respect me and your father,help where you can and I'll always be here for you.GET HELP! She didn't have a problem. She really didn't. She took her pain meds in a couple of days and then hit mine and I would end up doing without.I didn't think things could get worse but they did. She became not only disrespectful but started cussing her father and me out whenever she felt like it. Final straw. I realized I was being the co-dependant. I was making it possible for her to get her drugs. She could buy then when her prescriptions ran out because she didn't have to pay for anything.With strength from God and words of wisdom from the people on this forum, the next time she cussed us out, I through her out. Yes ,kids and husband too. I knew they had the money to get an apartment.If they didn't they could sleep in the car. I knew she loved the kids too much to let them be hurt.So they did get an apartment and she promised she would never speak to me again.Within in 2 days she was talking. It's been 2 weeks now and they are making it.She approached me for the first time last week about rehab . She's on probation and afraid she'll go to jail if she doesn't get help. She's right.Now she has to do it or spend 3 years in jail if she breaks her probation. Whatever happens,she's in controll of it.I have a book called tough love. I knew what I should do but couldn't for fear of what would happen to her. That's why it's called tough love.Don't let her destroy you like I almost let my daughter do to me and my husband. If she is a minor,get her put on probation.Here we have a program that helps minors and parents.Sorry this is so long but do talk to the people on this forum.They care.Don't get scared off when the conversation gets strange. I nearly did but was patient and realized they know each other well enough to speak their mind and still care about each other.
God Bless,
Kerrie
It's the truth I am supporting and you chronicled it as well as I've ever seen it done....I think you have some ministry ahead Thomas... I wish someone had told it to me quite the way you told it to Leah... but then again, I was deaf and blind then.
How am I doing ??????????????????? You're not following the neverendingthread ??? It's a totally whigged out thread and it has been a ghastly experience.
Love, Brighty
How am I doing ??????????????????? You're not following the neverendingthread ??? It's a totally whigged out thread and it has been a ghastly experience.
Love, Brighty
Can't tell you how I felt tonight when I opened the site and found so many caring people. It truly brought tears to my eyes, to think you all took your time to be concerned about my problem when you have problems of your own. I want to answer each one and thank each one personally for the support and advise.
I really feel you are right about getting support from one of the groups mentioned. I think I knew this all along, but it is scary because it makes one face the situation and no longer believe it will go away any day. My daughter is a grown women in her forties, with five children. I guess, because we have always been so close and supportive of each other, I feel like it is a betrayal. I have carried this alone for so long! I know know that I'm not alone.......thank you for your prayers and best wishes. Mine also go along with you.
LEAH
I really feel you are right about getting support from one of the groups mentioned. I think I knew this all along, but it is scary because it makes one face the situation and no longer believe it will go away any day. My daughter is a grown women in her forties, with five children. I guess, because we have always been so close and supportive of each other, I feel like it is a betrayal. I have carried this alone for so long! I know know that I'm not alone.......thank you for your prayers and best wishes. Mine also go along with you.
LEAH
Hi Cindi,
Hope you don't mind my asking, but once before you mentioned to me about your mothers death and the pain your in. My mother passed away 1 year ago as of May 2nd. Yep, right before mothers day. I've had to hold in a lot of the pain of her death as my sisters aren't able to talk about it yet.She was in a lot of pain. Anyway, if you need to talk you can e-mail me at:
***@****. Sometimes it helps to go through things with someone whose going through it too.
Spook,brightly,Thomas,Annie, all of you,the way you help people that come to this forum looking for answers is to be commended. I only wish I could get my daughter to talk to all of you. Your concern is appreciated from this 44 year old mother and grandmother of 9.I just wanted to thank you all. There's a lot of good in yall.Remember that when someone tries to put you down,they doing it because their weak. You do help people here. I know.
Thanks , Kerrie
Hope you don't mind my asking, but once before you mentioned to me about your mothers death and the pain your in. My mother passed away 1 year ago as of May 2nd. Yep, right before mothers day. I've had to hold in a lot of the pain of her death as my sisters aren't able to talk about it yet.She was in a lot of pain. Anyway, if you need to talk you can e-mail me at:
***@****. Sometimes it helps to go through things with someone whose going through it too.
Spook,brightly,Thomas,Annie, all of you,the way you help people that come to this forum looking for answers is to be commended. I only wish I could get my daughter to talk to all of you. Your concern is appreciated from this 44 year old mother and grandmother of 9.I just wanted to thank you all. There's a lot of good in yall.Remember that when someone tries to put you down,they doing it because their weak. You do help people here. I know.
Thanks , Kerrie
Thank you,,,that means alot to me when someone offers to talk with me...My mom died on Christmas morning ater a long batle with emphysema...please feel free to e-mail as well @***@****
I know all will be well w/ you. See my posts under "anyone"
I have to go now.......Dee, if your reading this, I didn't forget about you. I wish you well, also.
I have to go now.......Dee, if your reading this, I didn't forget about you. I wish you well, also.
When my life has reached its very end,
And I take that final breath;
I want to know I've left behind,
Some "good" before my death.
I hope that in my final hour,
In all honesty I can say:
That somewhere in my lifetime,
I have brightened someone's day.That maybe I have brought a smile
To someone else's face,And made one moment a little sweeter
While they dwelled here in this place.Lord, please be my reminder
And whisper softly in my ear ...
To be a "giver," not a "taker,"
In the years I have left here. Give to me the strength I need,
Open up my mind and my soul
That I might show sincere compassion,
And love to others before I go.For if not a heart be touched by me,And not a smile was left behind ...
Then the life that I am blessed with,
Will have been a waste of time.With all my heart, I truly hope
To leave something here on earth ...
That touched another, made them smile
And gave to my life ... worth.
~ Author Unknown ~
And I take that final breath;
I want to know I've left behind,
Some "good" before my death.
I hope that in my final hour,
In all honesty I can say:
That somewhere in my lifetime,
I have brightened someone's day.That maybe I have brought a smile
To someone else's face,And made one moment a little sweeter
While they dwelled here in this place.Lord, please be my reminder
And whisper softly in my ear ...
To be a "giver," not a "taker,"
In the years I have left here. Give to me the strength I need,
Open up my mind and my soul
That I might show sincere compassion,
And love to others before I go.For if not a heart be touched by me,And not a smile was left behind ...
Then the life that I am blessed with,
Will have been a waste of time.With all my heart, I truly hope
To leave something here on earth ...
That touched another, made them smile
And gave to my life ... worth.
~ Author Unknown ~
I thought ONLY time `healed` wounds like this, I have not lost a mother or father ).yet). and we are all so different in our way of handling it.I think you are doing fine and wish you luck, I am yet to cross this bridge.It sounds horrible though.
Luke
p.s Cindi-hello, you are kind person.
Luke
p.s Cindi-hello, you are kind person.
Hi back to you spook and you are just as kind. I thought also that time heals all wounds but so far I have only felt worse like it is so permanent as i am selling her house getting rid of her belongings her personal life IT iS DESTROYING ME..as I sit here typing I can't help but let the tears come and i can't turn them off and it seems this week alone (and it is only Tuesday) I have been hurt all over again....I have lost someone that I care about not by death but other circumstances it seems like the sadness for certain things never seems to leave me....my heart is breaking for several reasons but my mom is my sadness, I think it is time for grief counseling....I don't know but I have to find my faith again, it just can't help but questioning the fact is my mom really up in heaven watching me? does she know the pain I am in...does she know that it won't take alot to push me over the edge? If she is aware of this, i know she is sad for me....and that hurts even more.. and is my mom, the one that gave me life, is she finally happy really? and pain free? ok, I can't seem to finish this post right now....but i do need help...and I don't even know where to begin....... Thank you for listening love to all cindi
I agree with you all the way about anger not helping me or my child. I'm working on this and will continue to do better.
Without you knowing any of the specifics, I can only tell you my anger started with her having a boy friend that was doing drugs long before she knew him.He has been a bad influence and I feel she would not have made these bad choices if he had not taken advantage of her low self esteem. This is the best way I can answer your question about the anger. You have given me something to really think about and yes,it is a start. Thanks for your insight and I will bbe posting again.
Without you knowing any of the specifics, I can only tell you my anger started with her having a boy friend that was doing drugs long before she knew him.He has been a bad influence and I feel she would not have made these bad choices if he had not taken advantage of her low self esteem. This is the best way I can answer your question about the anger. You have given me something to really think about and yes,it is a start. Thanks for your insight and I will bbe posting again.
Cindi, the most important thing is you are not holding back the tears, that can harden one,it has its benefits but it is also nice to just have a good cry, I have run out of tears myself, but maybe they will accumulate again.(sore throat though)
The main reason you are feeling worse is because you are currently doing the house thingy, that is a *******, I would say ***** but it really is a ******* as all of the memories are in there ,this is probably one of the hardest things you will have to do, I sat in my mothers house and imagined it without her and it felt empty, I know the feeling but just have not been there yet, it must be really bad right now, you have come to the right place as many caring people are here for you, you do not need a councilor, and I will push you back from any dangerous edges you approach, it is your friend here who will help you.Try not to think about the physics of post life consciousness remanifestation, as God deals with this and everthing is in good hands, you do believe don`t you?.You have made a beggining now and I think if you need strength to carry on a place to find it.
sincerely spook
The main reason you are feeling worse is because you are currently doing the house thingy, that is a *******, I would say ***** but it really is a ******* as all of the memories are in there ,this is probably one of the hardest things you will have to do, I sat in my mothers house and imagined it without her and it felt empty, I know the feeling but just have not been there yet, it must be really bad right now, you have come to the right place as many caring people are here for you, you do not need a councilor, and I will push you back from any dangerous edges you approach, it is your friend here who will help you.Try not to think about the physics of post life consciousness remanifestation, as God deals with this and everthing is in good hands, you do believe don`t you?.You have made a beggining now and I think if you need strength to carry on a place to find it.
sincerely spook
thank you for your thoughtfullness and kind words...yes the house is a ***** and a *******....this is the house I grew up in so i am not only throwing away her memories but also mine good, bad and indifferent. and my sister's and my dad's..at least up until he moved out....I feel like I am watching my life slip through time....I think yuu may know I do not deal very well with change especially change that is unwelcome....I do know I have friends here.. I ran into an old friend of mine today that I do have some what of a past with and he did send his sympathy which sent me flying into memories etc....of course putting me in "one of my moods" thank you for your nice post....you are a kind friend Love to all... cindi
I know I am relatively new here, and have never really corresponded with you, but after reading your last few post just wanted to share something.
Brief history of my parents: father died in 1992, suddenly though not really unexpectedly. I was introduced to painkillers at home by him (Tylenol 4) and he was addicted for at least 10 years that I knew of. After a heart procedure 1n March of 1992, he arrested in the hospital and his heart was restarted three times. He lasted 24 days on a ventilator and then died. This was the most awful thing I have ever experienced and was a period of my highest drug use.
I then went into the field of geriatrics and began working with the elderly, many of whom were Alzheimer's patients. I prayed all that time that my mother would never acquire that disease.
She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 1998 at the age of 70. She continued to be able to live at home until this January, when her wandering and lack of personal care forced my brother and I to move her to a long-term care facility.
And now, my family home is empty. In order for her to qualify for residence where she now lives, my brother and I must sell the home. This will be taking place very soon now, within the next few months. I dread going back there, to a house that was *never* empty, and cleaning out and taking the things I wish to have from my childhood. Aside from my father's death and my mother's diagnosis, I think that this task, along with the demolition of the home itself which is to follow, will be one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know how similar this is to your situation, but I just wanted you to know that, in my own way, I can understand a bit of what you're going through and share some of your sorrow.
Peace,
Pelle
Brief history of my parents: father died in 1992, suddenly though not really unexpectedly. I was introduced to painkillers at home by him (Tylenol 4) and he was addicted for at least 10 years that I knew of. After a heart procedure 1n March of 1992, he arrested in the hospital and his heart was restarted three times. He lasted 24 days on a ventilator and then died. This was the most awful thing I have ever experienced and was a period of my highest drug use.
I then went into the field of geriatrics and began working with the elderly, many of whom were Alzheimer's patients. I prayed all that time that my mother would never acquire that disease.
She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 1998 at the age of 70. She continued to be able to live at home until this January, when her wandering and lack of personal care forced my brother and I to move her to a long-term care facility.
And now, my family home is empty. In order for her to qualify for residence where she now lives, my brother and I must sell the home. This will be taking place very soon now, within the next few months. I dread going back there, to a house that was *never* empty, and cleaning out and taking the things I wish to have from my childhood. Aside from my father's death and my mother's diagnosis, I think that this task, along with the demolition of the home itself which is to follow, will be one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know how similar this is to your situation, but I just wanted you to know that, in my own way, I can understand a bit of what you're going through and share some of your sorrow.
Peace,
Pelle
Thank you for sharing that with me, I have said that sometimes I feel so alone but then I run across people that are hurting as much as I am if not worse.....Being a nurse I know how devastating Alzheimer's diseas can be , my grandma also suffers from this horrible disease and I see my dad and my aunts and how they are so sad they feel like their mom has already died as she is unresponsive and so distorted in appearance it would be a blessing if she were to go...My mom had been ill for a very long time and she was on a vent also....I knew she was dying but I thought since she had always been so strong that whe would pull through this also....sort of a denial...my main problem right now and I have discussed this before is on Christmas eve they called me after I left there and said she was in a coma and I was there when she went into the coma, and she would not make it till morning but they said she was not aware that i was not there and to stay home with my gramma (her mom) and my w little kids, the roads were bad and there is nothing I could do for her.......I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE they promised to call if there was a change I called them and she was the same, by morning i was going to call them but they called me and said please come up, now she was in V-tach and i needed to be there I arrived 10 minutes too late. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING THERE...as she would have been for me...how could I have been so selfish as to not go that night.....I should have not listened to them.....I am so terribly sorry for you loss and for the pain you are going through with you mom.....and they say kids are the ones to cause their parents grief, God should take the parents not take the kids from parents, but it all is still so painfull I appreciate your words God be with you, I have seen your posts alot here and I have been meaning to tell you that you are a great source of intelligence and kindness.....I have always enjoyed reading what you post.....love to all cindi
Thank you for your kind words. I only hope to help in any way I may be able anyone who may share any of my situations or experiences.
It's very strange how similar some aspects of our stories are. . .the evening my father passed away was one of the only days I did not get in to see him. Every single one of my previous trips ended with me stopping in the hospital's visitor restroom (I can still remember how it smelled, faintly of disinfectant, and sterile), and crying for twenty minutes or so before emerging to drive home (and this after uncountable Vicodins!) I hated going to see him like that and I hated myself for feeling that way, and for the relief I felt when he finally did die. I remember the hospital calling that evening and telling us to come in but not to hurry. Of course, I knew that meant only one thing. Still, to arrive and see him was something I will never forget. They had disconnected him from the vent and all the other monitors and machines which had filled the room for the past twenty-four days. The room seemed so still and quiet. And my father, disconnected from everything, looked so much more peaceful. Although he could not speak during his suffering (because of the trach tube), I could see from his eyes that he was alert during his periods of wakefulness (which grew mercifully shorter as time went on) and -- this is the worst part -- aware of his situation. He never would have wanted to be alive that way.
The point is, Cindi, that for years I felt that I had somehow let him down by not being there when he died, and especially for not visiting him that day at all. I hated myself for that and so many other things. . .my failures, my addictions, my chronic weirdness (for lack of a better term), and for the fact that on some level I still hated my father for introducing me to drugs as a teenager and for giving me the genetic predisposition to addiction in the first place.
All of these hatreds allowed -- indeed, encouraged -- me to continue to use. Because what is addiction, as has been said before, but the slowest, most torturous method of suicide possible? I believed myself unworthy to live, and since I would need two hands to crucify myself, I chose instead to break myself upon the cross of drugs. Please understand that I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus. This is just the metaphor which comes most readily to my mind as far as the most extreme method of torture that I can imagine.
I said all that only to say this to you: you must not hate yourself for your decision. I could give you many reasons -- your mother was not aware anyway (the hospital staff told you as much); the weather was horrible; your kids and your grandmother needed you more at home with them at such a trying time; and many more I'm sure I could think of given world enough and time. But the main reason I have, and it sounded in my heart as soon as I read your post, is twofold, and goes something like this:
hatred for yourself can only lead you further into addiction and eventual death, and most importantly. . .*your mom would not want you to feel this way*. What mother would wish to see her child in agony, even for a moment, and especially if it was over something which concerned them? And what mother would want to be a part of their own beloved child's destruction?
I hope I am not being presumptuous, but all I am telling you is the strong, almost overwhelming emotional resonance I got upon reading your post. I do not claim to be a psychic, like Miss Cleo, or anyone who communes with the dead, but my feelings about things like this have been accurate my entire life. I operate best in the realm of the not-quite-seen, but imagined, and am most comfortable with the language of the heart. This is how I finally came to believe that the last thing that my dad would want is for me to go on abusing myself, especially over things he had done. If it were me who had gone on, and I saw my own beautiful son (who is now but five months old) destroying himself over things I had done, I believe I would voluntarily leave heaven (if I had been there at all) and enter hell to await him so that I could one day apologize and -- perhaps -- earn his forgiveness.
Please accept this message in the spirit it was intended. . .perhaps rambling, fanciful, even a little mad, if you do not believe in such things as I have spoken of -- but know it is from my own human heart, a place which frequently makes no sense in the mortal realm in which we live.
Your mom is watching you even now, Cindi -- and she awaits the day when her little girl will be well again and you and she can rejoice together.
Peace,
Pelle
It's very strange how similar some aspects of our stories are. . .the evening my father passed away was one of the only days I did not get in to see him. Every single one of my previous trips ended with me stopping in the hospital's visitor restroom (I can still remember how it smelled, faintly of disinfectant, and sterile), and crying for twenty minutes or so before emerging to drive home (and this after uncountable Vicodins!) I hated going to see him like that and I hated myself for feeling that way, and for the relief I felt when he finally did die. I remember the hospital calling that evening and telling us to come in but not to hurry. Of course, I knew that meant only one thing. Still, to arrive and see him was something I will never forget. They had disconnected him from the vent and all the other monitors and machines which had filled the room for the past twenty-four days. The room seemed so still and quiet. And my father, disconnected from everything, looked so much more peaceful. Although he could not speak during his suffering (because of the trach tube), I could see from his eyes that he was alert during his periods of wakefulness (which grew mercifully shorter as time went on) and -- this is the worst part -- aware of his situation. He never would have wanted to be alive that way.
The point is, Cindi, that for years I felt that I had somehow let him down by not being there when he died, and especially for not visiting him that day at all. I hated myself for that and so many other things. . .my failures, my addictions, my chronic weirdness (for lack of a better term), and for the fact that on some level I still hated my father for introducing me to drugs as a teenager and for giving me the genetic predisposition to addiction in the first place.
All of these hatreds allowed -- indeed, encouraged -- me to continue to use. Because what is addiction, as has been said before, but the slowest, most torturous method of suicide possible? I believed myself unworthy to live, and since I would need two hands to crucify myself, I chose instead to break myself upon the cross of drugs. Please understand that I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus. This is just the metaphor which comes most readily to my mind as far as the most extreme method of torture that I can imagine.
I said all that only to say this to you: you must not hate yourself for your decision. I could give you many reasons -- your mother was not aware anyway (the hospital staff told you as much); the weather was horrible; your kids and your grandmother needed you more at home with them at such a trying time; and many more I'm sure I could think of given world enough and time. But the main reason I have, and it sounded in my heart as soon as I read your post, is twofold, and goes something like this:
hatred for yourself can only lead you further into addiction and eventual death, and most importantly. . .*your mom would not want you to feel this way*. What mother would wish to see her child in agony, even for a moment, and especially if it was over something which concerned them? And what mother would want to be a part of their own beloved child's destruction?
I hope I am not being presumptuous, but all I am telling you is the strong, almost overwhelming emotional resonance I got upon reading your post. I do not claim to be a psychic, like Miss Cleo, or anyone who communes with the dead, but my feelings about things like this have been accurate my entire life. I operate best in the realm of the not-quite-seen, but imagined, and am most comfortable with the language of the heart. This is how I finally came to believe that the last thing that my dad would want is for me to go on abusing myself, especially over things he had done. If it were me who had gone on, and I saw my own beautiful son (who is now but five months old) destroying himself over things I had done, I believe I would voluntarily leave heaven (if I had been there at all) and enter hell to await him so that I could one day apologize and -- perhaps -- earn his forgiveness.
Please accept this message in the spirit it was intended. . .perhaps rambling, fanciful, even a little mad, if you do not believe in such things as I have spoken of -- but know it is from my own human heart, a place which frequently makes no sense in the mortal realm in which we live.
Your mom is watching you even now, Cindi -- and she awaits the day when her little girl will be well again and you and she can rejoice together.
Peace,
Pelle
my silent tears as I sit here and read your post have now turned into bursting sobs as your post was one of pure beauty and of sincere heartfelt understanding.....My God, what we go through in life....Mommy told me before she died that God would not give me what I could not handle and that her concern for me was what was frightening her the most, she would pray that her death would not drag me back down to where I had worked so hard to get out of.. she watched me and helped me climb my way back from the very deep dark pit of addiction, bailing me out of jail twice and encouraging me to hold my head up and walk proudly when I was so ashamed of my addiction...so often I made her cry, I hurt her and scared her with my behavior, but her love was nothing but pure and unconditional....and I know that I will never be loved like she loved me ever again...a mother's love is truly like no other...she was treated badly in the nursing home they at one point refused to increase her pain medication for fear she would become addicted, they did not believe her when she told them she was going to die, I knew it when the nursing home called and said she was confues a little bit and when I got there and this is the God's truth, before she went to the hospital she looked up in the air and pointed her weak finger and said "I told you I'll be there in a little while....she did this twice...i asked her who she was talking to and she said she could not breath and she would tell me later......she never did, i talked to her doc, who told me that by assuring her it was ok to sleep I pushed her into peace, I gave her the ok to do what it was time to do.....She knew, and in my heart I knew but i still could not accept it...I do believe things happen for a reason, perhaps she did not want me there to see her take her last breath, and dying on the holiest day of the year was (which was her favorite day) certainly had some significance.....I do believe in everything you have said to me, and Kerrie has e-mailed me also. between the two of you and of course MY spook (and he may get upset for me referring to him as MY spook but oh well SORRY spook, old habits die hard) my dear Brighty and Angelica i could not have asked for anything more than your kindness and compassion, we all have our pain and our sorrows and to be honest with you I had considered not even coming back to this forum but how can I not? It is here with all of you that I am able to be me, to cry, to share and not be ashamed of my feelings..... and to have such wonderful people such as all of you....and the funny thing is that all of a sudden I feel more at peace than I have since her death....8:46 am, December 25th will always be the worst moment of my life but in it's own right she was a good enough person that God saw fit to take her home with him on the Birthday of his very own son....he must have thought she was one special creation to have done that for her....and you were so right when you said your dad when you saw him looked peaceful,,,,,,i distinctly remember when my gram and I saw my mom after she had died the first thing I said is look gram, she is not struggling to breathe and she looks so peaceful and painfree now.....thank you my friends love t all cin
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
