I Overdosed 26 Days Ago...

[missmetal]

Hello to everyone out there - especially to the people who tried to support me back in April (you know who you are) - I just wanted to post that I finally hit rock bottom the 4th of June.  I had a nasty Norco habit (average of 17 10/325 pills/day).  They were soooo easy for me to get, and I took full advantage of that.  I'm sure a lot of you who live either on the West Coast (and some Western states) are familiar with Kaiser Permanente (my current health care provider).  Around the end of May/beginning of June, how they prescribe controlled substances changed, and all of a sudden I found myself cut off for a week (this was on June 1) so I unwisely tried to quit an almost 2 1/2 year addiction cold turkey, and it made me really sick, combined with the problems I was experiencing (or so I thought) with my Crohn's Disease...I was sick, sick, sick - in and out of the ER 3 times in 3 days (after being rehydrated and given some Dilaudid, I felt like a million bucks, but it didn't occur to me that it was the DILAUDID that was making me feel better b/c I couldn't eat or drink).  Let me back up just a bit - I experienced a death in my immediate family on May 30, so I had seen my Primary Care Provider on June 1, who had given me a prescription for Ativan to help with anxiety and sleeplessness - only I didn't get it filled until June 4 - so fast forward a little to Friday, June 4 - my gastroenterologist prescribed some liquid morphine, which I've used many times before (to help with the never ending diarrhea) so I figured I'd fill both the liquid morphine AND the Ativan at the same time.  I honestly don't remember taking all of the morphine and any of the Ativan - but according to the paramedics who revived me after being unconscious for approximately 10 hours (thank goodness my mother changed her plans for June 5 and had a feeling something was wrong b/c I wouldn't answer her texts or phone calls), I had taken the entire 30 ml bottle of morphine and 20 out of 30 Ativan pills - I spent almost 3 days in ICU and an additional 3 days on what I thought was a regular hospital floor (later found out it was a psych floor) with the worst case of pneumonia ever (breathing treatments every 4 hours, 40 mg of Prednisone, numerous inhalers, nasty, horse-sized antibiotics, chest x-rays twice daily, painful, burning heparin shots in my lower abdomen b/c I couldn't get out of bed to walk around, so my circulation was affected, blood pressure that wouldn't go below 164/107 most of the times, so there were 4 or 5 blood pressure medications, blood drawn every 4 hours, PLUS withdrawing from the drugs.  At one point, the doctors gave me 2 2 mg shots of morphine to try to calm me down, but also wound up giving me 1 Darvon every 12 hours, plus 2 clonidine patches to try to help with the withdrawals)...if I thought this was bad, I had no idea of what else was waiting for me.

Because the paramedics found my prescription bottles, after they were able to revive me, I was asked if I intentionally meant to harm myself, and unfortunately said "Yes," which I honestly didn't, (I think at that point, I figured my tolerance level was so high, I could handle anything I did; that's what I believe with all my heart), but I had been unconscious, and I don't remember anything from Friday night until Monday mid morning.  This is what my mother told me.  So...b/c of that little 3-letter word, it earned me talks with the staff psychiatrist and some other people - on June 9, the day before my 45th birthday, I had a 5150 hold imposed upon me, and went to the worst place on the planet on June 10 and was released on June 11 - for those of you that do not know what a "5150 hold" means, it means a state-mandated 72-hour hold in a psychiatric facility b/c you have been deemed to be a danger to yourself or others - my hold started at 11:30 a.m. on June 9, and was to have ended at 11:30 a.m. June 12 - by the time I actually got to the facility, it was 1:30 p.m. on June 10 - already over 24 hours into my hold.  I did not get to meet with the psychiatrist assigned to me until 1:30 p.m. on June 11, and luckily, b/c I had cooperated well with staff at the facility in the previous 24 hours, I was released to the custody of my mother and went home around 5 p.m. June 11.  If anyone would like to know the details of my 28-hour stay at the facility, please let me know, and I will be happy to tell you - it is DEFINATELY NOT something anyone should experience - it's scary, sad, depressing and more - you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over your life or yourself or ANYTHING in a place like this.

I have 85% recovered from the pneumonia and have returned to work after being off for a month.  It still hurts to breathe sometimes, and I'm experiencing the worst insomnia I've ever had in my life, and I'm exhausted all the time, but compared to where I was June 4, I'll GLADLY take it.  I start counseling with a wonderful therapist soon, and I'm 26 days clean now.  It's the best feeling in the world.  I have no cravings (today), but that doesn't mean that something may change inside of me tomorrow, and that's why it's so important I start therapy...I need to re-learn healthy behaviors and coping mechanisms so I don't ever get sucked back into the spot I was in.

There are things about this experience I haven't shared, not because I don't want to - I'm more than happy and willing to share them, but I've written a lot already, and don't want anyone too bored to read any more  :-)  If my experience can help just one person with a problem like I have had (still have), please feel free to write me, and I'll tell you anything you want to know, from how in the psych floor at the hospital, 24 hours a day, there was always someone with me in my room (they call them "sitters," - to the unidentifiable food that was served in the psych facility, to the lovely 78-year-old lady I met (in the psych facility) who was there because she'd slit her wrists with razor blades b/c she didn't want to watch her husband of 56 years die of Alzheimers any longer).  I could honestly write a book on this experience.  I will say one more thing, I don't remember anything from Friday, June 4 from about midnight until Monday, June 7 mid-morning - I most certainly wouldn't know if I wasn't here right now, and that bothers me because everybody else in my life would, and would be devastated, from my mother, sister, 16-year-old daughter to my boyfriend of 10 years to my best friend and everyone whose life I have touched in between.  That is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and it really *****.  Don't get me wrong, I will carry this entire experience with me the rest of my life; there are certain aspects that are more bothersome than others.  I could go on and on, but will stop now - if you've gotten to the end of this post, thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read this - it's been therapeutic and cathartic for me to put down some of my experience in words.

Karen  <3

[missmetal]

Hi there - thanks so much for taking the time to read!  As I told el_em_en_oh, I will write more about the psych facility, in addition to the whole overdosing experience as a whole - a journal entry, huy?  I think I can do that  :-)  If I can't figure that out, then look for more posts from me on this forum.

Again, thank you!

Karen  :-)

[missmetal]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post - I fully intend to write about the psych facility experience, as well as write more about the overdosing experience as a whole, you know, some of the other things that I'm going through right now, like how some trigger today (not sure if it's the long weekend coming up, and I might be alone for 2/3 of it) but I considered emailing my doctor to see what he could do for me, but I didn't - 27 days clean and hoping not to mess it up.  Not sure if I'll be able to write much tonight, but I definitely will write -

Karen  <3

[missmetal]

Hi there - I'm off to work right now, but just wanted to say thanks for your encouragement - have a great day - I'll be posting more later!

Karen  :-)

[missmetal]

Thanks for the encouragement - I truly appreciate it - as for aftercare, I am going to see a therapist and then talk about some long-range action plans that I can do in between work and taking care of my child.  Although clean right now, I need to deal with the triggers and behaviors that come with thinking I can take a painpill and not go back to where I was b/c that's just stupid.  I won't be that lucky a second time unless and until I learn what it is I need to do - right now, it's just one day at a time, and every day is indeed a gift - have a great day yourself!

Karen  :-)

[Florida_Guy737]

Hi,

What a wonderful story about perseverance. Thank you for sharing and good luck in your recovery; it seems like you're well on your way to full recovery.  I am interested in hearing your story for the 28 hours spent in the psych ward...could you post in a journal entry?

Thanks,

Guy

[el_em_en_oh]

You had me at "Hello..."

Congratulations on your 26-days, Sister.

My rock-bottom was quite similar to what you described, and I had a tear in my eye while reading about yours.

I hope you DO write about your '28 hours of hell' as some point. I'd like to hear about the experience.

[Beccabeccalynn]

Wow what a story and thanks for taking the time to write it out. I can imagine how scary that was , people say that everything happens for a reason we just don't always know what it is at the time( I am not sure I ever know) but anyways I wonder how the importance of you walking thru this will play in your future or someone elses. Keep clean
Becca

[gnarly_1]

HI well im glad you lived to tell about it.....your VERY lucky....sometimes a parent just knows when there children are in grave danger im glad you mom acted on that feeling
congrats on 26 days clean....you have probably hered us beat this drum b/4 but what are you going to do about aftercare...it is critical to long term sobriety and as you know
you might not get a second chance relapse can kill you...it is up to you to plug in to something to treat your addiction with aftercare you can lead a successful clean and sober lifestyle ....good luck and God bless    ...Gnarly  

[dominosarah]

I am so glad your mom had that gut feeling something was wrong.  I wish you continued success with your recovery.  Congrats on 26 days clean!!!        sara