I am back and terrifed and embarrassed

[deannalynne85]

If I could only have stayed focused on this I was reading through here and I would be well over two weeks clean.  On day three I ended up going to get a script thinking I would taper myself down.  Well that didnt work either....I was to embarassed to post anything but this is just crazy.  I was miserable w/d and I have been miserable the past few weeks....so this is it.  I HAVE TO DO THIS.....I am just so terrified.  Hell I couldnt even make it past day 3 before and to top it of i will be on day 2 of w/ds and starting a new waitress job.  I found this sight such a comfort and even made a few friends but then was just to stupid to talk to anyone about what i was doing and now here i am again.  I just honestly dont know if I have the strenght in me to do this......but I dont have the strength in my to keep living the way I am.....I am just lost and embarrassed and very confused.  Most of all I am just so mad at myself.  So dang mad.

[TheBigEasy]

You really need to RELAX!!!  Way too much reading and EXPECTING the worst.  It's really not that bad...the crying was the BEST part for me.  I actually had emotions again...what a great relief!!!  Keep your mind busy and NEVER sit and think.  You'll be just fine.  Trust me.  Look at all these damn CAPITAL letters...someone has rubbed off on me.  LOL  =D

Hang in there Deanna...it gets easier one second at a time.

[more0then0a0virus]

I haven`t had much experience with opiates so I don`t have any advise for tomorrow.

In my country now is pass 1:30 AM, and I`m all anxious and cannot sleep, even though i have to be awaken at 7 am. I haven`t been drinking today, so...

You have an urge? Did you took something in the meantime? Think about tomorrow. You need this job. Don`t let your weak side to win. You CAN do this. Leave pills 4 tomorrow. Just don`t take them... Talk to us here... Preoccupy yourself with something...

[deannalynne85]

the crying and craziness has already begun and I havent even begun w/ds yet.  

[deannalynne85]

thank you all for your kind words.  I am just so terrified of this.....completely terrified.  They just called and I have to go in tomorrow for a staff meeting at my new job.  They open Friday morning.  It is a new resturaunt here in our small town and when i got that call i just went into a panic.  I know how bad w/ds are.  I have been taking loratab for well over 12 years going from 1 back then to up to twenty a day.  I have been without before only to be looking.and a couple of weeks back is when I decided to take this seriously and that is when i came across this site.  I went thru pure hell, watching the minutes tick away on the clock and then finally i caved on my third day and went back on them.  I really thought I could taper myself....but I am an addict and I cant do it that way either.  I am  just completely distraught....why did i do this to myself, my family, my friends.  This life is no life though.  Even with the pills I am still, emotionless and pretty much stay put in my home.  I have been a stay at home mom for 16 years and am in a relationship but this job is so important.  I know they say God works in mysterious ways but I really didnt want to start job right in the middle of w/d's.  I am just at a loss for what to do but I know three things for sure.  One and most important I have to stop this.  My body cant take much more of this, two I have to keep this job and three i just want to be normal whatever that may be.  I dont even know what normal is anymore.  I am babbling a bit here, just a little freaked about the work issue on top of w/ds.  I am just completely terrified of what lies ahead.  

[more0then0a0virus]

P.S. Your fight have already began... The strong part of you wrote this, not the weak one. So it must be there somewhere. And just keep talking to ppl who are here. No matter if you`ll do it zillion times... They can help you. You just have to be persistent...

[more0then0a0virus]

Hi.
            I was also really depressed when i started to drink after 7 days of not drinking. One day I just drank because I lost control, and the other I drank to escape from feeling guilty about the first day,
       I`m not physical dependent (except i had insomnia, heart papilations during that time)  and i can`t say i`m psychologically addicted also, because I can`t even think realistically about it.
       But, then my friend said that ups and downs are normal, but the most important thing is to have more ups then downs. She said to me: "Look at what you have accomplished. You haven`t been drinking for 7 days, and that`s a progress. Can you even remember when was the last time you haven`t been drinking so long? " If she haven`t said that, I would have drank that day also. But she showed me the other side.
        Viewing things like that might help you to find a strength to taper yourself again.
        
        I`m also mad at myself because even if I haven`t been drinking for 13 days (except five beers), I manage to drink 93,81 standard drinks during last 30 days (counting these 13 days also). So, i think it`s normal to feel f*cked up. But if you don`t start viewing the positive side of last18 days, it will be really hard for you to succeed.

       And I also talked to ppl on this site and I don`t want to anymore because I`m a failure and I just waste their time... You have to find some power in you. It`s there, you just have to find it. Think about making friends, and how great it was to make a change. Think about how awesome can it be if you start again...

        And it`s ok you haven`t succeed at first. You just have to keep trying. The process is hard, but result is what counts. And your is really great, comparing to your past...

     I can believe where I am now either, but f*ck, we are here, we`ve done this to ourselves, it was our choice at first, and we have to deal with it... We cannot change past, we can just build a better future...

      Someone said: "The hardest thing to do is to fight w/yourself". Even though i think it`s true, that`s exactly what you have to do. This whole time of running away from reality, we let our weak side to overpower the strong one. And now you have to find this strong one somewhere in you, and fight to overpower the weak one...

Best wishes... And I hope you`ll be successful...