I am so scared and want to be free so bad but I don't want to loose my mind in the process

[gabby4405]

My story I have been a pain pill addict for 7 yrs 5yrs vicodin and 2 yrs  Oxycontin, which I swore I would never mess with. I am prescribed Vicodin but I get rid of them so I can get the Oxy's, one year ago I decided to try the suboxone thing I called several doc's but couldn't find any taking new patients so i wen to the streets I purchased enough suboxone to last me a month I followed the instructions and started the sub but I obviously wasn't ready because I started using both DUMB I KNOW!!!!! Then I started rotating so I wouldn't have to do the 24hr withdrawal thing eventually I was tolerant to the Oxys and the suboxone and I started having a shut down I couldn't sleep I couldn't motivate it was like withdrawals 24/7 even though I was using I tried just the Suboxone for 2 weeks no change still sick so I quit that and started taking just Oxycontin again just trying to feel normal, wanting to be clean but I was so sick no matter what I did I honestly think I was dying. I checked myself into rehab 3 wks in and still having major withdrawals and insomnia I think I was in SHOCK over the game I was playing with the suboxone and the Oxycontin. I prayed and begged god to help me out of the sickness I was in I panicked thinking I had permanent brain damage everyone around me in rehab was recovering and I could barely stand even after 3 wks. I went home and stuck with the program went back to work let my husband whom I had been separated from for a year who is also addicted to Oxycontin come back into my home because I just couldn't do it all (I have 3 girls and a sick mom I care for} 2 months in I finally saw the light I was taking one to two vicodin a day just to move I had to be able to function somewhat but I finally started feeling like I didn't need them I was so happy my prayers had been answered.  I then wanted to help all my addicted Friend's junkies seam to stick together if you know what I mean I spread the word I was free and felt normal again it is possible!!!!!!!! well this was short lived because my husband didn't want to quit and my cravings started I thought I could use occasionally and now here I go again 6 months later addicted again this time I must get clean I will soon be starting my nursing clinicals I have been working on this degree for over 3 years and I cant mess this up besides that I felt so much better clean I WANT IT BACK I am trying to wean I have allot of percocet to wean with off the Oxycontin I NEED SUPPORT PLEASE!!!!! and this time if my husband isn't with me he has to go thanks for reading sorry so long GOD BLESS.

[gabby4405]

I feel so alone because I don't have any family, and as far as friends no one that I trust to hold for me. I would just cold turkey but I have to be able to function somewhat I have to much to loose and I don't want my kids to see me that way again. The first time I told them that I became dependant on my medication and I was going to be real sick for awhile and it was so hard on them, I cant imagine telling them I did it again, if all else fails I will take a personal leave from work use my credit card to pay my bills and try to get into a detox for 2 wks, as far as my husband goes he claims he wants to get clean but he is not as determined or should I say obsessed as me I am completely miserable and he seems fine with it the only thing that pushed him to want to try is his dealer calling him a junkie not my constant crying and pleading SAD! I am really glad I found this group It makes it so much better to know there are people cheering you on that know exactly how you feel. I know that if he don't show some determination than I am going to have to make him leave because I choose life and my kids over him and the drugs peace everyone and thank you I will be posting every day.

[worried878]

it does sound like u know what u need to do...if tapering is the way u wanna do it..then u will probably need someone u trust to hold the pills for u...and not sure if ur husband would fit that bill either...do u have a friend to ask?  there is an article in the health pages on tapering that is very good...but one big hurdle for many as far as staying clean is to not have them around u...and if ur husband is using it may be destructive for u...sounds like u both need to stop....i have noticed when a couple quits smoking...and one either starts back or doesnt quit, the other starts back up...it can be too tempting especially during stressful times...make a plan..pick a final day to use...and go for it...lots of support here

[pilljam]

Wow!! you guys were right......This is my 3rd or forth day off methadone-cant think right now-  and I was weaning off with norco.....I was doing fine until this morning....I woke up with my ears ringing and a feeling I cant explain....Anxious but very lethargic.....
Has anyone been able to use norco to taper off off methadone....
By the way, I was on 30-40 mg a day for 3months......
Wish me luck and good luck to all

[road2recovery]

I agree with the above post....Is your husband willing to get clean?  In reality he has to, if you can be with him...I know there is no way in Helll, I could live with my husband and he used opiates..

Just try to remember how good you felt clean, and beat this again...I know you can...We are all here to support you, thanks for sharing..
r2r

[BeBe84]

It is such a difficult road to be on...read my profile it will tell you, very similar but i just used vics a lot of them!! i was clean for ten days til yesterday i took one, i hope it didnt ruin everything i did, im just in such a difficult time in my life right now that  i want to numb the feelings but if i keep postponing and saying now is not the right time ill get pulled further and further in and ill never quite i hope i and all of us can reach that place that i cant remember anymore the place were you didnt need a pill to feel normal and revolve your whole day thinking about them how ur gonna get them its so draining...

[ginsa]

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Good for you for coming to that conclusion. It's virtually impossible to stay clean while hanging with people who use. You will either want to run in the other direction or just "join 'em".

If you were taking suboxone while using Oxy you were probably going through ct withdrawls every time you took the sub. It binds to your opiate receptors and will not allow the Oxy or any other opiate to get in. What a goofball trip you must have been on with that combination! I tried for months to taper off Norco and what you describe sounds like how I felt that whole time. I have described the feeling as being in SHOCK too.I can hardly believe I survived feeling that bad, but I did, and I'm 30 days clean now. I finally ended up going to a detox center and just getting it over with.

Just look at the relapse as a pothole. Relapse is a part of recovery, sometimes it leads to using and sometimes people can pull themselves out of it before they get to the end
(using). But relapse is in the thinking. Thinking you can stay clean while around those who use, or any other kind of denial. Support is really important, have you looked into NA or AA? There's also Smart Recovery groups you can look into if a 12 step program isn't your cup of tea. Posting here for support is great as well, it has helped me instead of NA, but if you have no really good reason not to go to NA, that's a great place to get support.

Please keep posting. We're all here for the same reason.

Ginsa