I can't do it

[lola200677]

I feel apathy 24/7. Iv done the whole withdrawal thing ages ago. And I feel dead inside even and especially when I'm sober. I don't feel alive or emotion or anything. Iv seen about 6 shrinks who were all crap. My addiction has been going on forever with pain pills. I'm so fed up. Iv relapsed a few times just to feel like a somewhat normal human again. I feel like literally a robot. Everyday. This is getting ridiculous. No I don't have any medical problems. I'm just empty. And am not social anymore because my emotions are fake and it's too much energy to fake it with people. Does anyone understand this? X

[meegWpaw]

ps you CAN do it!!!

[meegWpaw]

sup lola?  i thought you had heart issues or something ... not sure what it was but it seemed serious.  maybe i am mistaken?
it took me a very long time to get back energy, drive and a will to live.  i had to go through months of apathy, listlessness, and crying.  every day i forced myself through a schedule i had created for myself.  i did not really feel any better emotionally for 90 days.  at six months i began to feel human again.  what i learned in treatment was that every time you relapse, you trigger your craving impulse all over again, a new start, like you had never quit.  so it makes it really hard to get clean if you keep relapsing.  i know because i did that for a long time.  it takes a village, beb.  and you have to make use of every possible treatment, aid, psychology, friends, 12 step, anything you can get your hands on.  recovery is hard work, but it can be done.  i understand how you feel.  i also did not really start to recovery successfully until i started looking at the root of my issues emotionally.  keep posting for support, hun.

[Danny111]

Hi Lola,

It takes a long time for our brains to return to normal after quitting.  You mention having, "done the whole withdrawal thing", but that's often the easiest part.  The physical wds suck but they're over in a couple of weeks.  After four days you start feeling better.  The tough time is after the physical symptoms go away.  

It takes many people up to a year before they feel like they've totally returned to what they think of as feeling, "normal".  Low grade depression seems to be very common.  This is often manifested as boredom, dissatisfaction, lack of energy/motivation etc.  

Getting into some form of after care, NA, AA, counseling etc. is very helpful.  Most of the people that I seen on here who have significant clean time swear by it.

[jlannspr]

Hello lola, when was your last use and what is the time span between each of your relapses? It has taken me millions (it feels like) relapses to inch closer to a decent recovery. Do you have access to meds now? If you do, knowing in your head you can access pills at any time will overwhelm your thoughts and keep you  in anxiety. Stay in touch.