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Avatar universal

I don;t know what is wrong

I wrote last week asking about going from 1mg to 0 of Methadone .I read some other stuff and damn  it has got in my head. I left last week to go to get take homes and I am having the weirdest sound in my ears like a wooshing when I move my head. I usually try to stop at a store but came home. Those that know my history I was without a car and bed for 10 years stuck at home and I have MS and Lupus .My husband moved us to a old home from a beautiful built house that I created my business in and could work from home with five kids . He wiped my life out and left 8 month I got pneumonia and nearly died .So I try to tell him My does has went low now ,I have not felt nothing but things are bothering me much more than on a higher dose he could yell scream I just let it go and the bitchiness is coming back full tilt and lots of bad memories flooding my thoughts .I am sitting ll day in silence I feel jailed and I have cried feeling more emotions from childhood traumas and I cant get past he has kept me in a home I cant function in I asked today if we could start to fix our home little by little over the next two years our last child will be off to college he just wont give me anything to live for I ran away from here at 9 and at 54 still here .I have not even got a hug in 12 years so now how after 12 years on methadone do you get the energy to live .I need to have surgery I have a 100 pound tumor in my uterus I keep thinking the surgery should be done before I go off ,I dont want pain pills again I feel lost all of a sudden a flooded with emotions from not know why I am even here ti just crying myself sick .I caught a cold and sore throat I get so scared I cant explain .what is happening ?
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Avatar universal
I don't comment a lot here because it seems as if someone else has already said the same things I would have. But, I DO want to give a little advice this time, and share my story with you.

Like you, I was on methadone for many years. And like you, I felt that things could be better, that my husband could do more, I hated the house I lived in, and I couldn't focus on anything positive in my life. I did a fast taper off methadone...in 6 weeks I went from 35-45 mgs a day to 0. It $ucked...let me say that again...it $UCKED! I felt like I could bury a hole, crawl in it and die and nobody would ever know. Methadone does some crazy $hit to us...I see that now, but I didn't then. All along, I knew I had to get off the crap, but it was just so damn hard. Then my doc moved to an office 3 hrs away and I figured it was time. Like you, I wasn't one to abuse the meds, I actually took less because the full prescribed amount had me nodding half the day. But at the end of the day, I couldn't function without them, or so I thought. I decided on what I was going to do, and I did it. No ifs ands or buts. For more than 3 months I felt as if I could just throw in the towel. Oh God it was terrible. But I knew there had to be something better...that other ppl here had the clean time they did for a reason. And I made it!! ME! And so can YOU!

There are gonna be hard times, and they stink, it's all part of life. But when you get to the other side, you'll wonder how you could've wasted so many years on something smaller than a button.
The emotions you are feeling are completely normal! It's just a part of the process. Once I stopped the meds and started feeling like my old self, I realized that I couldn't depend on anyone else to give me all the things I wanted in life. That when you're in a relationship it's 50/50. When I came to that realization, and set a goal, I ended up in a new home....after 17 years in the same one, I finally had what I had dreamed of for so long. You can't always depend on someone else to give you what you want...you have to get up and fight for it. I know your situation is different than mine, and I'm really not trying to be mean or cruel, but sometimes you have to get out of your own head, and try to look at life the way you think someone else would. When our significant others see the effort we are putting in, and they see the progress we are making, it gives them motivation to do more and accomplish things. I wish you all the best :)

Just a couple things I say all the time to keep me going...

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results" ~Albert Einstein

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get"~Forrest Gump

"Failing to plan, is like planning to fail"

Love, peace, & chicken grease~ Sweetness
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I like that you have told your husband how you feel. That is a good step. Has he been doing dinner with you? This week?

I would suspect the tumor is preventing you from losing weight this time. Vi is right, your hormones have to be so out of whack bc of that. Plus your thyroid. Have you inquired about getting surgery?  Don't be scared. God will be with you and take care of you. You have done it before. Do it again. Then the worst will be over. Get your hormones back to normal. A hormone Dr can help you with that. And you should see progress then. Then get off the rest if the methadone. Couple months and you will be a different person.

Please keep coming. We are listening. We want to be here for you. As you need us.
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Avatar universal
I think the last 15 are the hardest drop for methadone. But you are doing good last time you said you were at 16. So you are on a steady decline.

Yes all these emotions are very normal - crying depression anxiety restlessness - the whole spectrum. You are getting there.
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1926359 tn?1331588139
hey Nonny-
You have a lot going on and I feel for you...I really do.  I guess I am echoing what Vicki is saying "What can we do for you?"  What we do on this forum is support each other and help one another to help themselves.  You are obvious experiencing a lot and it is extremely overwhelming.  We want to help you to come up with a plan to deal with one thing at a time.  Take a deep breath and let us know what piece you want to work on first.  Sometimes the hardest part of getting well is figuring out these steps..  We are here to support.  No one does this alone.  No one has to.
Sending support...
Lu
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Avatar universal
No nonny. Don't go. Emotions are normal and when your flooding with them life can be scary. You have a lot of roadblocks to overcome I can see that. So can everyone else. All anyone is asking is that you try. You try to help yourself and we will be here to support you every step of the way!!!
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Avatar universal
Just wonder if all the emotional stuff was normal . maybe it is best I do this by myself ,thanks anyway.
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Avatar universal
How can we be of help here on the forum?
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Avatar universal
You need to look at my whole history. In 1999 I had a bust reduction this is where it all started .My husband and I were married at 18 and have 5 great kids ,In 99 the hospital hewas at eas going bankrupt. I was teased alot so iwanted this reduction done ,he did not .He never came to the hospital and when I returned home my home ws for sale the kid and him gone .I had nothing I got postop pnuemonia .went to the hospittal the tryied almost 3 month and were going to drain the lung .I heard my husband out in the hall I figured if he was there I was dying and sure enough he told me I was they were going to try to drain the lung .I beg for hm to go with me he would not so after 2 trys I took lastrights had the surgury  I was in ennormous pain ,sawed ribs 250 stples si I had a line in my chest sent home alone nursrs came in for theapy and pain meds .I wanted to work because I did massage theapy in my office at our home taught Childbirth education also. I knew it would be a bit before I could go back as a midwife but the meds I gues where blocking alot of the feelingds so he sold everything including my car .he use to drink and ws stop with a dui they gave him 6 months probation but fedrally and med board made him drop 5 years he could not have a beer or even ud=se aftershave . It pissed him off so he I guess wanted me to have no pain med. He wasn't ever abusive or a sloppu drunk he wiuld come home ,maybe drick 3-6 beers .he went out because our daughter wanted icecream 3 blocks aways and the police stopped him for turning into the rihy lane from a left lane turn . this is when the personality change came . I stopped my meds not kowinf I would ge t sick my frind workrd at a clic and auggested a 30 detox .they wouldn't take me because I was to sick so she to me into detroit I reely dont kow what see told them I was pretty ill I know ina week my clothes were getting tight a month I gained 20 lbs 8 months 100 lb so I started coming down 2 a week he bitv=ch constanly took my car callpolice saying I stole his fan ,just acting like a ***, I lost 75 lbs and was then sleeping by him again I broke my arm and went up to 20 he also said I didn't bicth as much on the methadone my dr said all I had left after my surgury was moraphine and Jesus . I kept asking why my belly was so big the did a ct scan and saw my uteus up under my ribs My hsband said no way he would take care of me if I have surrgry because the kids and his work so I kept putting it off It was getting hard to walk I ended up at 148 onmethodone .time seem to stop I thought a year maybe I was near to being in a coma I found out then 203 that My thyroid was gone I again was near dying . I sat in a chair and only used the bathroom and went to the clinic for 5 years ,It seemed my only friend was my counsler .I new nless I left I would never come off so I change clinic planning to detox it was approved for 3 years I have been going down over 2 years . My husband know I cant get down the stirs and have begged to get out but it well what about that **** ya just going to pick up simewher sle then I cry and say why dont you leave if I have been such a pain why are you here well your smart younknow music and medicine ,I say has my sex life endedat 40 since he will not kiss me .I all of a sudden now have hep C I have know Idea how I would have ever got that I drank his water hethrew it out he wavers one minute is is almost manic laughing then it's lke his personality has been sucked out of his head .so now I am dow to 14 and the past bothered me but I slept it away now its like a flood of emotions a month ago I was ready to get a divorce .My husband said I will try to make time we will eat togeter on tues he gets home at 7 that day only .I cant blame him before this I took care of everything his feet rubed everynight ,20 yers never miss a night of sex cleaned from top to biottom on hand and kness stating at 5 in the morning washed hung a weeks outfits up mon was his massage nifght, and worked then did homework went to school them=n I got sick fat and usuless to him so I just want off this **** I have kn withdrwl just emotional I have lost any weight My teeth have been a mess I lost my looks I am puffy I dont know why my weight didn't drop this time mystomach I need a FP doc he is a trauma surgoen but also fp dr has a practice is directer of hospice and of several nursing homes he has cancer also and his brother died of cancer right before he was diagnosised he almost died thi Xmas throwing blood clots to the lung .It har d to explain him I don't know the man I married or was married to for the first 20 years we will see .I just want to fiish this.I cant correct becse my mouse on my computer wont work .Oh happy figuring outmy typing .the MS causes double vision so Sorry.
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Avatar universal
Also, nonnie, medhelp has a great "depression" forum, and there is a lady on here named CRseaside that speaks of a great free counseling forum somewhere, please look her up for suggestions, she seems very helpful, and I am thinking of asking her myself, as I hate to say it, but I think I know more about addiction than my addiction counselor, whom is half my age!! LOL!!!
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Avatar universal
Okay nonnie, what is going on with you? I realize that this site is for support, but a little tough love might be in order here...I can't understand what you are writing.  One sentence sounds like your husband is holding you hostage,the other suggested he is trying to take you for a walk..you have a s 16 year old son at home that you went to dinner with the other night, and two other children in engineering and medical school.  You stated you have a huge tumor (I am sorry about your condition), but then said you have not been to the doctor in 10 years, and your husband is a doctor!!  Your story is heartbreaking, and although I am in the first stages of recovery and not in the position to be of much help to anyone, I want to try and understand you and what you are going through. How do you get your methadone? Through your husband? You have to go to a clinic to get methadone I think??  Nonnie, I am not trying to be mean in any way, but your post seems as though you are very depressed and confused. I really think you should seek counseling and/or group meetings as suggested. You have three amazing children that need their mother BACK!! I am not judging in any way, as my addiction has led me to be less than a perfect mother, even though I thought I was....please seek some help for your depression.  You owe it to yourself. You can figure out the other stuff later. Your posts are screaming for help and you seem like an intelligent woman who just needs a little push to get to the other side. I am sure your pain from the tumor warrants medications, get rid of that damn thing and then worry about the methadone. You probably won't die from the surgery, but may die of a broken and guilt ridden heart!!

I wish you truly the best of wishes...good luck and God speed, Michelle
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Avatar universal
I want to talk to you because if you have RA you can under stand the difference between i dont feel like get help an the severe fatigue like your walking trough quicksand sinking ,thats just taking 5 steps ,I sit for ten minutes just to get the energy to stand I fall back down at least a couple times .I have begged my kids for hel all have busy lives my 16 year old boy is all thats here the other are in post grad college for engineering and daughter in med school my husband work 6 to 11 at night 7 days a week ,I have nobody but me I pray daily for the strength to get out of here .I lived in a open house this house has no closets I fall 23 times a day. I was never mentally addicted to any drug nor the methadone i have 14 bottles I have never taken extre or crackec a bottle open I have a weeks left but I dont touch them 12 years I never had .I lost my lung because i couldnt heal from a surgery and had a 5% chance of living when they took it out .they took me to surgery  3 times I was so scared i WAS ALONE MY HUSBAND DIDNT EVEN SEE ME 3 MONTHS IN THE HOSPITAL THE PRIEST GAVE ME A SdTUFFED BEAR TO HOLD AS THEY PUT ME TO SLEEP .i WENT HOME TO A EMPTY HOME WITH NOBODY TO HELP MY 250 STAPLES 4 SAWED RIBS i HAD A LINE IN FOR 6 MONTHS AND TOLD THEM TO PULL IT i COULDNT STAND SLEEPING ALL THE TIME NOT REIZING i WOULD GET SICK SINCE i HAD NEVER ABUSED ANYTHING .i HAVE 3 CAVITYS THE TUMOR i HAVENT SEEM A DOCTOR IN10 YEARS i WAS SO HURT BY MY DOCTOR i HAVE KNOW ALL MY LIFE HE WOULDNT EVEN TOUCH ME i AM SO BLOATED A BIG UGLY H i KEEP ASKING WHY MY STOMACH WAS GETTING SO BIG HE SAID IT LOOKS LIKE FAT TO ME . i SAID i EAT LESS THA 1000 CALS A DAY OF ONLY ORGANIC FFRIT AND VEGETABLE AND SOME KIND O PROTEIN HE SAID COME ON HOW MANY BIG MAC DO YOU REALLY EAT? iF i HAVE THIS STUFF DONE WHICH i AGREE SHOULD BE DONE NOW BECAUSE i SHOULD GET PAIN RELIEF FROM MEDS IF i NEED IT i AM LOW ENOUGH ON THE METHADONE iF i GET OFF i WOULD SUFFER BEFORE i TOOK A PAIN MED  SORRY ABOUT THE WRITING IT TURNED TO CAPS MY VISION IS BAD ANY MORE i HAVE DOUBLE VISION SO BAD i HAVE TO CALM DOWN BECAUSE YOY KNOW i WILL GO INTO A AUTOIMMUNE CRISIS ,AND THAT IS WORSE THAN WITHDRAWAL .i KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING i AM A NATURALPATIC PRACTITIONER i DO YOGA AS BEST i CAN WITH A HUGE LUMP i MEDITATE i TAKE HERBS i TEACH ALL THIS BUT i HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR 12 YEARS MY HUSBAND HAS CANCER AND THRU A BLOOD OR MANY CLOTS TO HID LUNGS AT XMAS HIS BOTHER MY BEST FRIEND DIED 8 YEARS AGO IN HIS EARLY 40S FROM CANCER MY HUSBAND TOOK EVERYTHING OUT ON ME i already came  DOWN TO 3 ONCE I DID BREAK MY ARM BUT HE SAID PLEASE GO BACK UP YOUR TO BITCHY AND WAS GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN SO AFTER TELLING GET OFF THEN GO UP THEN GET OFF NOW HE SAYS GO UP AGAIN NEVER i WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN iF i HAD THE STRENGTH i AM TAKING A ONE WAY TICKET TO NEW ZEALAND .the writing I dont have the energy to change the caps I didnt see it. I know people don;t get the difference between tired from no sllep and autoimmune fatigue were I can sleep but wake up and you are more tired . now is when I wake up 1 inn the morning ,the my husband is asleep .If he would let me lay next to him I could sleep I miss hi and him holding me He is all I have known since we were 14 married at 18 now 54 Its just I had a bust reduction and he was so mad He was right the messed up I am flat with sagging skin thats another fix no bra will even go on they are under my arms. this is what caused the post op pneumonia .I did't know I had lipus they found it when the took out the lung.I just wish I had a friend to talk to I sit all I have is the voices on the tv,
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Oh honey you're story made me cry.  I understand how you feel so much.  I'm also going through some horrible female issues (severe endo) and am on hormones that make me feel weepy and I am suffering.  I also have Crohn's and RA so I relate to you in so many ways.  I also was abused and raped by my husband (this is what led to me abusing my pain meds) When I got clean I went through intensive therapy including Cognitive and EMDR for post traumatic stress.  You deserve help and support.  Please do whatever you have to to get it.  Your children are old enough to help you. Can one of them be an advocate for you?  It's so important.  Please please please reach out and get some help.  Get the surgery.  Get some therapy.  Your conditions are terrible and challenging but you can do many things to improve your quality of life.  You are WORTH it.  I send you big hugs from my heart and hope you find some peace.  Please keep posting and if you have any questions regarding the therapies I mentioned feel free to PM me.
Here for you...
Lu
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Avatar universal
She is so right. Stop wishing and start doing. Get that tumor taken care of!!! Get it out of your body. You will feel so much better after you recover. Please!!!  I hear your pain. You have to start living for you. The past has done horrible things. Give it all to God and make peace with it. You can't change it. You can't change what others did to you or had you do. You can only ask for forgiveness and He will forgive you. He already has bc he hears your cries.

Please. You have so much life ahead of you. Don't let your husband prevent you from doing anything. I bet he would be thrilled. Tell him you WANT that surgery so you CAN go for those walks with him and enjoy yourself. If he cares he will help you make it happen and be there for you. You can do it !!  Talk to him.
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Avatar universal
That 100 lb tumor is a burden in more ways than one...I'm sure it's affecting your hormones and thus causing these horrible feelings. I would think you'd be more afraid of the way you're living than of having a surgery that could potentially save your life...Don't you think you have a responsibility to the people who love you to keep yourself well and functioning?
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
I have to agree with Merri123. We have had lots of past issues hid behind the drugs. I too was prescribe Methadone for pain for about 12years and before this was the other opiates.
I would suggest a few things here. Try to hit some type of aftercare, either Meetings or Church or even a good Therapist. You have a lot on your plate that is opening up now. Also if you can get out and do something Happy for You..Maybe some hobbies or swimming any small exercise is better then none. It has been proven that the Sun & Exercise plus Music will wake up the Happy Chems in the Brain.
When we use we really through many Brain Chems-Transmitters out of whack. This is why Addiction is now be proven as a Brain Disease and there is so much more that it does to the Brain.
I think ( this is my opinion) that if you seek out for help and talk with other Addicts this will help you see more into what is going on. We have to let them skeletons out that we have held in for so long. A good Mindful class with some Meditation helps a lot too. I do wish you the best and you are welcome to stick around here and talk with us. I have vented in many ways on here and the people here are just Angles. We have a place on here to Journal if needed and most will come in and read & reply.
Just get out and get Support in any way you can.
PS. You will be fine with the Surgery..I had one in our female part too!!
Bless
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Avatar universal
I am at 14 now next mon 12, I just feel like 12 years of stuff that happened even childhood rapes and bad things are flooding my mind. I hat eour house my husband has kept me her knowing we were suppose to move 10 years ago ,our floor are peeling up the roof is leaking ,he just leaves never tellig me .no I wake p to know body every day I go to pee and who had no toilet paper or mils or bread we live like we have nothing he makes a half a million a year and is so cheap with me .This stuff passed by me on the methadone now I am just breaking into tears As far as sick no I only have a sore throat. but i go from **** out **** that happened 12 years ago to crying for hours because I dont exist in this home my mind is just flooded with so many thought ,I forget to drink I had the same glass of juice 2 days ,this room i like a prison cell. I want to leave here but I am to weak from MS to carry my things I have no friends or familymy husband is trying but he always forgets things he says anything to shut me uo an nothing ever moves forward. Have you ever heard of summer house in FLa they do a 4 hour reduction detox the change you to a short acting opiate until the methadone is out the do the reduction with a short acting narcotic they say you wont get sick .I dont feel sick tho Its just emotional but really to the piont I feel I am loosing my mind.I wish I could walk and felt like doing anything but stress cripples me with the MS I mean Fatique like going 5 feet takes all I have .my son talked me into going to dinner last night we had fun then he is catholic and was the alter boy for our bishop he said abotions are womens choice ,I had to watch a video in college of an abortion and you could see the babysheart going fast and it pullig away from the suction tube .It all flooded back I was rape at sixteen and my mom took me somewhere nad I think thats where see wht is all this bothering me now ,my husband keeps trying to get me to go for a walk but I have 1 pair i pants and a shirt I have been wearing for 12 years .I know I need a doctor but I put everything offf I think I need to sleep I was stuck in this house 10 years I dont know how to start living The tumor is to heavy to carry but I think I will die during the surgery and I am scared, I feel crazy.
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Avatar universal
Think if it this way. Getting healthy, getting that tumor out of you, getting off the meds is getting your life back. You can get more active, do more things. Do what you want!!! And if your husband wants to do these things with you then great. And if not then he can be miserable.  BUT you can be happy!!!!

It will take time but once are off and feeling good again you will be so much happier. You will be you again!! And you can manage your MS and Lupus better. Can you start getting some therapy now? To help with your past issues. To help with things now? To help you through all of this?  You can do this. Just keep pushing forward. The part is the past. You change it. You can learn to accept it.

But you can change your present and future!!!  
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Avatar universal
It's all part of the detox and taper. You get emotional. You get depressed. You get mad at times. You are weaker so getting a cold or sick is common. The ear thing is common. It will all pass.

And I don't care about the pills or your methadone asuch as that tumor. You Have to get that thing removed. They'll take care of you in the hospital. Tell them what you are doing and they will help. Keep you calm. It all depends on you. You can have it removed and stay where you are at thru that (couple weeks) then continue your taper. You will be ok. Don't be scared.

You're doing good. Are you still tapering? Where are you at now?  Hang in there. You are so strong. Have things gotten any better at all?  
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