I feel like I am going to relapse

[kmb22]

I was addicted to roxi's ( that was my main pill of choice) for a long long time but i would honestly take anything that I possibly could, you name it I took it.  I have been clean 500 something days from pills.  I regulary smoke marijuana. And very very occasionaly i have a drink.  But i even turned down pain meds when i broke two ribs and my wrist (which really sucked).

I thought i had everything figured out.  But i just talked to my mother, and as much as i love her, we are too much alike and there is too much there.  I tried to have a serious conversation with her about my childhood/teen years and how they affected me.

she doesnt get it and i dont even blame her for the way that i turned out, i just want her to listen.  at 30 years old i want some sort of relationship with her.  im not this angry girl who blames everyone else.  i am actually more self loathing.  i hate myself right now.  i have extreme anxiety disorders and if i take meds for it i am putting myself right back in to that lifestyle.

i feel hopeless and screwed right now.  and i want a pill any pill to make that pain go away.

i am enrolled to start school and move to denver in sept which is huge for me and i know it will greatly improve my life.

but how do i stop hating myself? self loathing? feeling i will never be good enough? letting people take advantage of me? (especially men)
i have a boyfriend, i should be happy, he helped me get off of pills, but he is not the best, often he is a catalyst to the way i feel and i certainly CANNOT talk to him about how i feel.

I feel empty and totally alone, once again.
and i want drugs.

[dominosarah]

You need to talk to someone about this fast like.  You are heading down a very lonely path right now.  You have to be the one to reach out.  Dont let what has happened to you in the past rob you of a future....Please call and make an appt with a therapist.  You are in no way worthless, you are worth fighting for.........sara

[kmb22]

i have tried some therapists...but no i have never really talked to anyone about it.

[overeasy]

KMB- have you ever talked with somebody about this?  These are big issues and only those who are have gone through such tough and unconscionable things can possibility understand your anguish.  Just know that you are not alone there are other survivers around these parts.  Check your messages:)

Overeasy-

[rush2112]

hey hey...i wasn't trying to make you feel bad, just making a point.  are you o.k.?  Safe?

[kmb22]

whether or not i go back to school or try to change, or enjoy life soberly, i am what i am. i accept it.

[kmb22]

well of course, ill always be an addict, im not dumb, i know that.
maybe i should tell all of you that the man that molested me for two years from the time i was 8 died early this morning.  i cannot deal with it. and my mother only made me feel worse about everything. i got insatiably drunk and smoked dmt. not good. but i didnt snort, shoot or swallow a pill. so as ****** up as i am im glad i never called one of my pill guys. small victories...bigger issue...i am and will forever be worthless.

[rush2112]

by the way, you said you "was" addicted to oxy's....i have to correct that and tell you that you ARE addicted to oxy...once and addict...

[rush2112]

I, too, began the opiates as prescribed...for knee surgery...it didn't take long to get hooked...I don't have any deep seeded emotional issues...just like to get high.  I also smoke grass and have no problem with that (sorry guys, i think it's much better sleep/anxiety aide than ambein or xanax).

KMB, i took my pills to get high, nod off etc...but it doesn't take long, once hooked, to become dependent again, trust me on that.  F the boyfriend. go to Denver, start anew...school is a great morale booster...you will make a whole new set of friends and feel really good about what you are doing with your life...but...i tell you this...if you start using now...you won't go to school.

[kmb22]

the reasons i got addicted in the first place were innocent enough. i was injured and prescribed pills to numb the pain, they never tell you what being high is like and how hard it is to not feel, well feelings, anymore. the reasons i stayed addicted were well not so pure, my childhood/teenage years were a mess and the drugs well they were a way out.
even though i have tried every drug in the book i was never addicted to cocaine or heroin because i felt like my life was too important that i had to do somethin better...and even though i have tried them all. prescription pills seemed legit, like i could justify it better in my mind or something.
i was numbed out and the dr.'s made me feel like it was okay to be taking them, because they were prescribed and i was getting better. well i wasnt i was slowly turning one problem in to another until it was out of control.
i have to smoke weed, i have a serious digestion issue and weed is the only non prescribed drug that makes it better, and i can no longer take prescribed medication. i know what will happen if i do.
there are bigger deep seeded issues here, i know that i just dont know how to deal with them.
i never did go to rehab or meetings because i live in such a small county and dont want anyone knowing my problems.
but i have no one, at all. and yes i want to turn back to the only things that made me feel good in my whole life.
i havent yet...and that is only because i have been clean for so long, i have isolated myself. i dont want to go back to the dr. and i dont want to call my drug people.
i cant go back, but i do want to

[rush2112]

Seriously?  500 days and you want to use!?!  evertime you get the urge...go for a walk, do some pushups, anything but use!  remember detoxxxxxx?  I am now in another detox and let me remind you how miserable it is...no sleep, rls, runs...tired for days etc...it you use and stop again, you'll have to do all that again...and believe me, using again just aint worth a ****!  it ***** worse than sobriety...

[gnarly_1]

HI....500 DAYS you dont want to throw that away....for me I had to give it all up im old school on this and believe if you don't want to go back to your DOC you have to be clean....a buzz is a buzz is a buzz and as long as your getting one from one sorce or another it will make it much more difficult to resist you DOC it will just be a mater of time till it creeps back into your life I don't mean to sound harsh but your on really thin ice here ask anyone with significant clean time its amassing you have made it 500 days using other mind altering substances
I guess you need to ask yourself and be honest with the answer '''have I substituted aether drugs for my drug of choice cross addiction is really common I wont preach to you but if you want to keep going loose the weed and alcohol it will make staying clean a lot ezer good luck and God bless......Gnarly

[AloneAndAddicted]

500 days.....WOW!  I'm on day 3 and wishing I was on day 5 nevermind day 500+!  Please don't use again it won't fix anything just make it worse.  Your getting ready to move to Denver & go to school?  What a chance @ a new beginning & a new life.  I know you want to resolve old issues & have a relationship with your Mom but it sounds like something she's not ready to deal with yet so don't push if it's going to pull you down.  You might need to get some help (therapy, church, NA meetings).  Maybe take your relationship with your Mom in baby steps not push for too much too fast.  It's very natural for you to want that but maybe now isn't the time.  I wish you the best and I'm here if you need to talk/vent!  Take care of yourself I know you can do this!

[MrNewHope]

Could this be PAWS?

Try reading your old posts and try to recap the memories of getting clean etc. Certainly u have to have some old photos of the good times u had clean especially with 500+ days.  I like to look at my measly 6 months clean photos of myself on vacation or wherever I was and it gives me hope. In each of those photos, I didnt have a single pill in my system. They were good times, and they can easily happen again. Then what's also good is... try to find photos of you when you were high on pills, you probably will have very little or none at all, but either way it pales beyond comparison to the clean time you had.

Hang in there, today might change, just wait for it. You'll be ok.