I let my guard down!

[lostdreams]

Well guys…..I was closing in on 1yr 8months clean. However today I made a BIG mistake…..I took Heroin. Yep…I failed. I took it once…..and I do NOT plan on taking it again….it was a stupid mistake that I am going to regret now……604days clean, ruined for one small high!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I  know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.

I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.

I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!

Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!

Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!

I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!

[10356]

Minus 1 as Cathy said a reminder :)

[mimi1313]

Sher,

You know you can never disappoint anyone. You are, without a doubt, one of the kindest sweetest people I know. You care so much for others and put yourself last. (I think you need to work on that by the way! You are important and you need to take care of YOU!)

You are always so strong and you are strong to come here and say this. You still have 604 days clean. A few hours does not erase that.

If to be happy you need to not have contact with your mother, than that is what you have to do. Please put yourself first. I know you want her to love you and I'm sure she does in a twisted way. She feels strongly about you or else she wouldn't put the effort into tormenting you. If she was indifferent, she would just let you be and not care. I'm sure she has her own problems but that is not your problem. You have many people that care about you and love you. Let us get you through this.

Hugs!!
Melissa

[GoingToMakeIt]

Well since 'horse' at least used to be "H" get back on the wagon. LOL

[gizzy32]

i honestly got shivers reading this, cold, cold shivers. first of all you know you didn't let us down, you did let yourself down. i still have so much respect for you. bottom line is that you will not pick that **** up again, you can't and i know you won't. im sorry for how you have been feeling, but you are a good person that has helped a lot here. posting this is one of the best things you could have done. after my relapse it took me 40 min to press post, but it helped me get back up. if you can't go to meetings, then i think we need to see more of you on here again, you have been MIA lately:(. this is just a bump in the road and you have come to far to throw it all away so get back up, don't let the guilt get to you, that's what addiction wants to do. take care of yourself lostdreams.

this is only a little bump.

[joann1975]

Sweetie...I would never judge you, be disappointed in you or be mad at you! You are such a good friend and I love you dearly. I vote on the keep your days. It was merely a bump...I mean you had 1y 8ms! That is something to be proud of. I understand the Mom issues totally.

I will always be here for you sweetie! No matter what...please never feel ashamed or scared to tell any of use anthing!

Love you,
JoAnn

[lostdreams]

Thank you guys....i love ya'll.

I dont know what i would do without you guys....you are all my family! And boy its the best family anyone could ever ask for.

I promise i will never go back to that life....never!

Gizzy is right...i do need to be here more often again....and i WILL be!

Thank you all so much.