Aa
APPRECIATION TO MH FAMILY
Top of the morning to all and a big hug to the life saviors out there. I just wanted to say in my 32 days clean from methadone I am doing ok/good..I am in full out recovery now with my n/a family and am actually enjoying my family. I just wanted to say that my virtual family got me this far and am so very thankful for you guys. I still have a ways to go until I reach full clarity but I can feel the love and warmth of a good man returning. If there is one thing I can say to the newcomer is that,"you maybe afraid and only concerned with the horrible detox but that really is the easy part, the hard part is finding out that you need to change you with the help of we. There is so many other ways to say that but lets keep it simple. I thought I was in control of my life I thought if I can get past the withdrawals I got this..how wrong was I...I started to fall in depression because my disease my addiction wanted me to isolate myself so that I would feel so horrible that it would eventually lead me back to false hope of using..then I finally realized with the help of these amazing people here who live life and became living testimonials of what true happiness can be without using drugs...so listen to them and know that when you realize just how powerless you are against your disease of addiction that you must find help in aftercare for me it is n/a, their is no I in recovery only we...so take it from someone who thought he was in control and know that a new and wonderful life awaits you only need to surrender and accept change and become a warrior in your new life of love and clarity...I will never forget what this place has done for me and cant wait to join you in helping others take back their lives...
Geeze my disease is so cunning how it is always with you just when you think you have it together there it is in your head and in your face...how we battle every day is how you beat it...without n/a there is no recovery for mei see now when my sponsor tells me a meeting every day until further notice...I say to myselfim powerless to my addiction to substance abuse but having trouble accepting myself..gotta go for now but know im fighting the good fight...keeping the faith....josh
Josh I am so unbelievable happy for you and proud of you. I have to be somewhere in 15 minutes but I needed to send you a big hug and high five for your incredible will to surrender.
My business (an acting school where I teach children age 4 all the way to adult) is next door to a methadone clinic. Thankfully, most of my classes are in the evening when the clinic is closed.
The day before yesterday 3 people got stabbed because a M-done addict was having a psychotic episode and was denied the drug.
I see so much sadness and hopeless defeated faces trudging up and down that block. It breaks my heart.
So every time a doctor suggests methadone as being a GREAT painkiller for my type of pain I just cringe.
I am happy I have the knowledge that I do.
And am shocked that m-done is prescribed for chronic pain.
I understand it in terms of being a drug to help those living life on the streets due to hardcore opiate addictions to 'stabilize'....But it is no way to live. And it certainly should NOT be prescribed to chronic pain patients.
So many wasted lives...
I feel like shouting on the street corner to these poor folks EVERY DAY. But all I can do is my work in the recovery community, and being an active voice that speaks against using drugs to come off drugs only to stay on drugs and die on drugs.
Sh*T. Now I'm late.
End rant.
xo
Lu
My business (an acting school where I teach children age 4 all the way to adult) is next door to a methadone clinic. Thankfully, most of my classes are in the evening when the clinic is closed.
The day before yesterday 3 people got stabbed because a M-done addict was having a psychotic episode and was denied the drug.
I see so much sadness and hopeless defeated faces trudging up and down that block. It breaks my heart.
So every time a doctor suggests methadone as being a GREAT painkiller for my type of pain I just cringe.
I am happy I have the knowledge that I do.
And am shocked that m-done is prescribed for chronic pain.
I understand it in terms of being a drug to help those living life on the streets due to hardcore opiate addictions to 'stabilize'....But it is no way to live. And it certainly should NOT be prescribed to chronic pain patients.
So many wasted lives...
I feel like shouting on the street corner to these poor folks EVERY DAY. But all I can do is my work in the recovery community, and being an active voice that speaks against using drugs to come off drugs only to stay on drugs and die on drugs.
Sh*T. Now I'm late.
End rant.
xo
Lu
Debbie :))
I salute you & I salute your husband. Your post made me tear up momentarily. It's so true what you wrote. (I felt like I'd gone off on a rant when I posted the above). I think it's hard for some people to understand (even other opiate addicts) how insidious the system & MMT really is. Thank you..Thank you & Blessings to you & your man.
@ Josh: You made me smile w/ the pajamas reference. It's exactly the same here. They get chauffered by their folks, wear their shower sandals & PJ's to get dosed. Take some benzos & then go home to either nod while playing vid games, messing around on FB or sleeping all day. :)))) (The life of riley, eh?)
I salute you & I salute your husband. Your post made me tear up momentarily. It's so true what you wrote. (I felt like I'd gone off on a rant when I posted the above). I think it's hard for some people to understand (even other opiate addicts) how insidious the system & MMT really is. Thank you..Thank you & Blessings to you & your man.
@ Josh: You made me smile w/ the pajamas reference. It's exactly the same here. They get chauffered by their folks, wear their shower sandals & PJ's to get dosed. Take some benzos & then go home to either nod while playing vid games, messing around on FB or sleeping all day. :)))) (The life of riley, eh?)
Ugh. Typing on my phone.
Began the taper. He was on methadone for 10 years. Yep at $100 a week.
He jumped at 25 mgs. Along with 8 mgs of xanax a day, plus 6 packs of beer,
At 56 years old, he was sick, sick, sick for months and months.
He has been to the clinic and has spoken to people, he has been asked to leave and almost arrested.
It is a like secret society. The average person doesn't know it exists.
I am very happy and blessed to be part of this forum where we do see people break from the methadone clinic, from the chains and bondage of addiction.
It is possible. I stand with you Annie and josh.
I am very proud of you both and so happy that you are free , free indeed.
Much love and happiness to you both, Debbie
Began the taper. He was on methadone for 10 years. Yep at $100 a week.
He jumped at 25 mgs. Along with 8 mgs of xanax a day, plus 6 packs of beer,
At 56 years old, he was sick, sick, sick for months and months.
He has been to the clinic and has spoken to people, he has been asked to leave and almost arrested.
It is a like secret society. The average person doesn't know it exists.
I am very happy and blessed to be part of this forum where we do see people break from the methadone clinic, from the chains and bondage of addiction.
It is possible. I stand with you Annie and josh.
I am very proud of you both and so happy that you are free , free indeed.
Much love and happiness to you both, Debbie
It is so sad that the done clinics are government funded. They (the workers)
Want all who come through the door to truly adhere to the philosophy of being a lifer. Once on meth, always on meth. It truly becomes a way oflife, not a means to the end of opiate dependency but included in opiate dependency, as such MMT --- methadone maintenance treatment.
They tell people they will never get off it, or out of their system. Those in the clinics begin to believe they are indeed stuck.
When my husband told them 5 years ago he wanted to taper, ( being pressured by me) I sat in the meeting with the counselor, she said, " no one ever gets off methadone". We said, "yes, he is getting off methadone. And start the taper today." My husband was determined to prove them wrong.
They begrundgingly
Want all who come through the door to truly adhere to the philosophy of being a lifer. Once on meth, always on meth. It truly becomes a way oflife, not a means to the end of opiate dependency but included in opiate dependency, as such MMT --- methadone maintenance treatment.
They tell people they will never get off it, or out of their system. Those in the clinics begin to believe they are indeed stuck.
When my husband told them 5 years ago he wanted to taper, ( being pressured by me) I sat in the meeting with the counselor, she said, " no one ever gets off methadone". We said, "yes, he is getting off methadone. And start the taper today." My husband was determined to prove them wrong.
They begrundgingly
Thank you it feels good that I can say that im a exdoner nowand blessed that I opened my eyes and heart at the age im at... there is so much more to life than being chained down by drugs...and yes u r right before I do anything I still have many pieces I have to peace together...and as things become more clearer ill put my feet to action...thanks annie your words pierce thru me..
Good Morning Josh,
I wanted to comment on what you just mentioned above because it reallllly resonated with me!
I too wanted to go back to my clinic after a couple of months for precisely the same reasons. I felt the same way about the counselors, nurses & Drs. there. I felt that the whole system was broken. In fact, it's was one of the primary motivations for starting my taper a year & a half before I left & was definitely the impetus for me jumping prematurely @ 28mgs. I became so disgusted/angry w/ myself & with everything that I saw around me, I just didn't care anymore -- didn't care how rough the detox would be @ that dose -- I just thought; 'Bring it on -- nothing can be worse than staying here'. I saw kids get 'stuck' when the system cavalierly put them on 'done for first-time pill habits w/o any real attempt to change their lives or taper them, I saw many perfectly healthy individuals frittering their lives away & sucking shamelessly off disability who weren't disabled @ all. I saw people's souls & minds rotting away. I watched people get arrested, get ill, continue to have babies they couldn't love or take care of & I watched them die before their time. Nothing ever changed there & I realized that I wasn't really changing either. II realized that I had bought into a myth. That I had co-opted the label & lifestyle of 'broken' -- of 'addict' -- that it was an excuse & I was wearing it as an identity -- that it didn't have to be my fate. My own pursuit of spirituality led to a 'shift' where I had the growing conviction that I must save myself from what I saw as the grotesque parody that passes for life on extended M'done maintenance & long-term opiate abuse. I wanted to prove once & for all that it could be done (because NO ONE seemed to be doing it willingly or without coming back. No one believed in or thought it possible I guess. That stuff ***** the drive to accomplish anything & joy right of us.). I wanted to show myself & the above mentioned medical professionals, that it could be done -- that I wasn't a 'Lifer'. Those feelings (& stubbornness;)) carried me through the first two horrible mos. of detox. My clinic actually called me 3 times during this interval to tell me it was 'okay to come back' & that they were 'holding a spot for me'. I saw no difference between these calls & the calls from my H dealer when I'd cut him off the year before.
So, when I had about three months under my belt. I reached out & called my old counselor who was relatively hip & was a big wheel in the administration there. I wanted her to know about MH & what a miracle it was -- that I was doing okay & that there were actually people out there who had come off!! (This was a total revelation to me. In thirty years of hardcore opiate use & engagement w/ clinics, I was ignorant of the fact that it was even possible). I wanted her to explore MH & send select clients our way who might be 'ready'. Her response was lukewarm & it p*ssed me off. (In retrospect, however, I'm not all that surprised). I let it drop @ the time. Months later, I realized that when I'd called her, It'd been pretty darn early in my recovery & that I'd had many other things to tackle & master in order to stay clean & that it was good that I hadn't physically gone back to the place & tried to talk to old friends or counselors.
I think you're doing very, very well, Josh but I believe that maybe the same applies for you here. Why not wait a while & work on solidifying your own gains first? That way, if you still want to go to your old place down the line, you'll have greater perspective & it will be even more impressive to both the professionals & clients alike.
Remember, you first! Congrats on all your hard work. I'm proud to call you a fellow ex-'doner ;))))
I wanted to comment on what you just mentioned above because it reallllly resonated with me!
I too wanted to go back to my clinic after a couple of months for precisely the same reasons. I felt the same way about the counselors, nurses & Drs. there. I felt that the whole system was broken. In fact, it's was one of the primary motivations for starting my taper a year & a half before I left & was definitely the impetus for me jumping prematurely @ 28mgs. I became so disgusted/angry w/ myself & with everything that I saw around me, I just didn't care anymore -- didn't care how rough the detox would be @ that dose -- I just thought; 'Bring it on -- nothing can be worse than staying here'. I saw kids get 'stuck' when the system cavalierly put them on 'done for first-time pill habits w/o any real attempt to change their lives or taper them, I saw many perfectly healthy individuals frittering their lives away & sucking shamelessly off disability who weren't disabled @ all. I saw people's souls & minds rotting away. I watched people get arrested, get ill, continue to have babies they couldn't love or take care of & I watched them die before their time. Nothing ever changed there & I realized that I wasn't really changing either. II realized that I had bought into a myth. That I had co-opted the label & lifestyle of 'broken' -- of 'addict' -- that it was an excuse & I was wearing it as an identity -- that it didn't have to be my fate. My own pursuit of spirituality led to a 'shift' where I had the growing conviction that I must save myself from what I saw as the grotesque parody that passes for life on extended M'done maintenance & long-term opiate abuse. I wanted to prove once & for all that it could be done (because NO ONE seemed to be doing it willingly or without coming back. No one believed in or thought it possible I guess. That stuff ***** the drive to accomplish anything & joy right of us.). I wanted to show myself & the above mentioned medical professionals, that it could be done -- that I wasn't a 'Lifer'. Those feelings (& stubbornness;)) carried me through the first two horrible mos. of detox. My clinic actually called me 3 times during this interval to tell me it was 'okay to come back' & that they were 'holding a spot for me'. I saw no difference between these calls & the calls from my H dealer when I'd cut him off the year before.
So, when I had about three months under my belt. I reached out & called my old counselor who was relatively hip & was a big wheel in the administration there. I wanted her to know about MH & what a miracle it was -- that I was doing okay & that there were actually people out there who had come off!! (This was a total revelation to me. In thirty years of hardcore opiate use & engagement w/ clinics, I was ignorant of the fact that it was even possible). I wanted her to explore MH & send select clients our way who might be 'ready'. Her response was lukewarm & it p*ssed me off. (In retrospect, however, I'm not all that surprised). I let it drop @ the time. Months later, I realized that when I'd called her, It'd been pretty darn early in my recovery & that I'd had many other things to tackle & master in order to stay clean & that it was good that I hadn't physically gone back to the place & tried to talk to old friends or counselors.
I think you're doing very, very well, Josh but I believe that maybe the same applies for you here. Why not wait a while & work on solidifying your own gains first? That way, if you still want to go to your old place down the line, you'll have greater perspective & it will be even more impressive to both the professionals & clients alike.
Remember, you first! Congrats on all your hard work. I'm proud to call you a fellow ex-'doner ;))))
Well I have 2 paxil 20mg tabs left been pondering if to go to the doc or notand get more...I have been ok at 10mg a day but I know if I stop the anger will overcome me...so monday im sure I will see the doc...I would rreally like to go up to the methadone clinic and share with the others who are scared to come off of methadone and share with them my experience so far and maybe ignite some hope that there is life outside of this clinic...idk about some of you fellow ex doners that the drs and councilors made me feel I needed methadone like a diabetic needs his insulin...made me feel I would be on that crap for life...they even told me how to work the Medicaid system a couple of years ago when I lost my job due to nodding out at the wheel didnt work for a month got Medicaid and told me to go to er to cover my share of cost...did that one time and realized just how screwed up this clinic was waisting our money (the tax payers) everday I went to get my dose the majority of the people that I seen were in there pajamas paying $2 a week while I payed $13 a day.. then took me 2 years pleading with them to taper me down...then I started my taper like 9 or 10 months ago and finally started tapering..they should put a limit on the addict like 2 or 3 years and hold them accountable for their recovery...they let me smoke pot just didnt let me have take homes..sry as my mind clears I can see the truth in things...but im 36 days clean and each day that passes I can feel small part of my brain coming back to life....feels good......
Hey Dude good to see you post great to see you post clean you are off to a great start your doing all the right things I agree with you N/A changed my life and has made long term recovery possible it souds like you have a great meeting I do to I go to 4 a week when I started in the program I did 90 meeting in 90 days keep going as often as you can your doing really well with your methadone detox keep pushing forward im am sure you will be one of the ones that make it
.........................................Gnarly........................................
.........................................Gnarly........................................
Congratulations on being clean and thanks for the heartfelt words of encouragement. I enjoy and get lots out of reading about your journey. I am right behind you. Way to be strong and look forward.
it is going to keep getting better and better my friend.
you have such a resolve in your mind, you are moving forward, growing each and every day.
you have done marvelous in these 35 days.
you put your hand to the plow and you have not looked back.
you are working your recovery like a champ.
yes na will be with you through this.
keep up the good work. you are a shining star.
congrats Josh on a job well done.
continued blessings to you and your family,
much love,
Debbie
you have such a resolve in your mind, you are moving forward, growing each and every day.
you have done marvelous in these 35 days.
you put your hand to the plow and you have not looked back.
you are working your recovery like a champ.
yes na will be with you through this.
keep up the good work. you are a shining star.
congrats Josh on a job well done.
continued blessings to you and your family,
much love,
Debbie
Hello just wanted to share about what happened at the meeting last night..there was an addict whom I met only twice and he shared his story then others shared and then I shared on how all this was affecting me...and at the end of the meeting this individual who only heard me speak twice came out and said," I know we are not supposed to cross talk, but josh I just want to pto say in the the raw honesty iheard you speak twice I want to let you know WE got your back WE will help you get through this, and I have been waiting to give this to someone who it might help in their recovery...my one year medallion..." Man the love in that room swelled up and filled me and every one else...just amazing the best choice I ever made going to n/a...
Hey dude good post you got the ''aaahaa moment'' it is great to see you coming around methadone is a monster to kick but you making it look ez your doing everything you need to to beat this thing long term keep posting for support .....................Gnarly
Josh, my friend, you've really shown remarkable strength & seem like you're truly on the 'fast track' in terms of the recovery 'learning curve' :) It's funny how much we have to go through sometimes to get to a place where we're broken open & can finally see & shift. Like the Buddhists say: (paraphrase) 'It takes a lot of mire to grow a Lotus'. If we pay attention, stay 'open' & are honest, the suffering turns out to have a purpose! You may feel grateful to the folks here who supported you but the funny thing is that (@ least for me), all this time, when you've been 'receiving' here, you've been giving. This is the magic of 'giving back' post detox. We get 10x's as much as we give & the whole process helps us to grow & strengthen our resolve in recovery. That's the way the Universe rolls. So, you've already been giving in the way that Weaver mentions above & in the way that I just outlined. Thank you for this & a Happy, Happy 32 Days to you! You have much to look forward to. If you stay the course. the possibilities are limitless! (No more 'Sad Man'!) :Great work -- Great Post!))
It's so true, thinking we can do it alone is not strength, but weakness. It is the leaders of the world who ask for the most help. Imagine if George Washington grabbed his gun and said, " I got this on my own, I don't need any help beating the British and French." Imagine Mother Theresa telling the Sisters of Charity, "I don't need help ending poverty, I can do this all by myself." Even Jesus had, not 1, but 12 disciples, because he needed help. Gandhi had millions helping him. All great leaders asked for help and advice. I'm glad you saw the truth in this reality. Congrats on all your progress. I also want to point out you have already been helping the newcomer, by sharing your experience, strength and hope. Thanks so much for that. Never stop growing.
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