23 days off Percs, 2moro is the 16th and I'm feeling WEAK

[LoveMyKids1]

I have recently posted about coming off of percs, 23days today and my story of getting a perc script w/ the fill date of the 16th and fighting the urge to fill it.  I said I needed to be talked off of the ledge BEFORE but, now after what I went through last night.......I REALLY feel weak now.  I have 4kids (11,8,3 &1) the last 24hrs have been horrible- to sum it up, my 1yr old was walking out of my 11yro bedroom to me and fell, grabbed the wall where the door hinge is, 11yr didn't know and shuts the door on his hand and the next thing we know there is blood EVERYWHERE.... good thing my husband was home, we had the kids throw shoes on, we barely threw clothes on and ran out the door to load into the van- end result is, he amputated his finger at the first knuckle obviously fracturing the bone, had to completely remove the nailbed and the tip was hanging on by a thread. They were able to sew it back on and we see the hand surgeon on Wednesday.  

I am TOTALLY aware of the obvious- relapsing right now would be very stupid- my son is in pain and needs me. BUT, as well as a mom, I'm also human and a human that is an addict.  I have always been a good mom, I'm borderline soccer mom (just in denial lol) and I would never jeopordize any of my childrens safety.  The boy is 1yrs old and he has already had more stitches than any of my other kids combined have had-guess he's gonna be my football player.

But seriously, after seeing him in so much pain, him not being able to sleep, me not being able to sleep, him ripping off dressing after dressing.....I am feeling frustrated and I could easily see this as a trigger for me.  I am trying very hard to fight it, I have never came this far in my recovery, I'm feeling better, the mental w/d's as well as the physical w/d's have pretty much subsided and I know I don't want to go back to being chained down to those dam pills! (THAT IS THE ANGEL ON MY RIGHT SHOULDER) However, (THE DEVIL ON MY LEFT SHOULDER) Knows how good it would feel to have that energy boost right about now.  

I have only made it this far bc of the support from the wonderful people on this forum who can relate to my experiences and share theirs. Thanks for listening.

[LoveMyKids1]

Thank you so much for the encouragement- fighting this he!! is hard for ANYONE & is hard all the same but, throw some little ones in there that are relying on you for their every need while you are going through w/d's and it's a whole other ballgame.
"Tryinhard" you hit me when you said ur son needs you not superwoman- That is the truth.  And "Scaredmommie" you just went through something similar and I appreciate you understanding the triggers.  It's crazy how you know what you should do but you still try and lie to yourself to make it "sound" rational.  
I have to be honest- last night while up all night bc he couldn't sleep I was literally counting the HOURS until I could refill that dam script but, really, I think it was just a mental escape to know that I had the option while watching him in so much pain.  I know I am stronger than this drug and I am strong enough to fight it- I think it just makes me feel better to put in print the actual thoughts I am having about using and look back at how pathetic it sounds and to know that I have taken another step forward and am no longer in that place.  I need to be counting the HOURS until I am at my next CLEAN day instead :o)

[scaredmommie]

im am so sorry for what happen to your son, i hope he is ok and feeling better. i have 3 kids(8,5,and 3) so i can imagine how you feel. i remeber when my daughter was 2 and she was runnig out side and feel straight down and hit her head, i was so scared cause she hit it hard and she was in so much pain, so i can imagine just how you and you baby feel cause thats a lot worse then that. and i totaly get how it could be a trigger, the other day my youngest cut his toe really bad, there was blood everywhere, and you know how it goes, well i was wishing i had some of my DOC to calm me down i was a nervous reck. ibut i wish all goes well for you, and dont get that refill, you have come so long, keep fighting. i wish you all the luck and your in my prayers.

xoxoxo
<3 chrissy

[tryinhard78]

I am so sorry for what happened to your little boy. Please, don't get that script filled..You have come so far. You and I both know you would feel even worse if you got it filled and took any. It is such a hard road to get as far as you have...I don't want to see you back on the rollercoaster from he!!. Just keep telling yourself your son needs a mommy that is clear headed and clean. Your little boy needs you now more then ever...the clean you. I have 2 kids myself and I know how hard it is..My son cracked a rib during a football game Sat. and he has had me up most of that time because he is in so much pain..but I know the pills are not going to help me take better care of him. He just needs me not superwoman. Hang in there please...Don't call that script in. If you need someone to talk to I am here for you.

Stay Strong,
~Susie