How to quit when spouse/sig other doesn't want to?

[bubbles1096]

This is a hard one to explain but with me quitting, it's been even harder for me to quit when my spouse (soon to be former spouse) continues to use. He has given me no indication he will stop either and it is real hard to try and quit when you get no support from the one who should be supporting you the most. When I told him I was getting clean, he basically shrugged his shoulders and told me that I was doing it on my own. At least we arent' in the same house anymore, but I really don't have anyone else to go to. My family just doesn't understand, my sister is here for me to a certain extent, but she puts the blame on me for my divorce and puts me down for abusing prescription pills when I should be clean and straight taking care of the kids. Now that we are in different houses, I dont' want to let the kids go when he's at the door to pick them up because I know he's been using if he's just out of work (old creature of old habits). I dont' want to tell the kids what's going on, they are too young, but I dont' want him to take them if he's been using, and we got into an argument over the weekend because he called me and I know he was using and told me that he was coming to pick the kids up to take them for the night and I didn't want him to and told him why. He told me that he was mad at me because I was going to tell the kids he was an addict, even though I never would, I keep my mouth shut when it comes to him, the kids adore him & do have a great relationship with him.

Ugh, being alone and goign through this can drive a person crazy!

[wannabefree330]

wow you have a lot on your plate right now.  You are so wise in separating yourself from him.  That's one less trigger you need to deal with.  Try not to think about what other people perceive you as (ie: your family/sister).  Clean and sober time will prove that what you are doing now is the best thing for everyone.  The only one you need to please is yourself.  Staying away from the drugs will guarantee that, and provide the best mom to your kids-which they so deserve.  I went through similar circumstances w/my kids and their dad.  I wanted them to be able to see him, but knew he was using.  I opted to take the kids to HIM.  I wouldn't allow him to drive them anywhere and even told him i'd call the police and report him if i found out he was driving w/them under the influence.  What he does w/himself is his business, but when he adds the kids it becomes MINE!  Also, i told my kids to call me if dad ever left them alone, or wanted to drive them somewhere.  I didn't tell them why i needed to know, just that i was worried about them and always wanted to know where they were.  This worked well.  A couple times they called and told me dad had gone to a poker game and left them.  Even though my oldest was 14 at the time and would have been ok, i went and picked them up.  They didn't need that, and he was supposed to be spending time w/them.  After a few times of this happening, his eyes were opened and it didn't happen anymore.

You have no control over him quitting, and should NOT feel guilty either.  He has a choice to continue using or get help.  He's just not there yet.  Hopefully someday he will be so your kids can have their dad 100% just like their mom.  But be proud of yourself and the choices you are making today to make tomorrow better for everyone!

[liscamdave]

Listen..I def do not want to preach to anyone...

But...here is my story and maybe this will help your significant other if they read it...

My name is Lisa. I am 29. I have been an Oxy COntin addict for over 4 years now. My husband got me hooked on them. We started out taking regular percs, which led to like 20 each a day. Then we started oxy's and before I knew it we were both eating 10-12 80's in one day. Spending about 500.00 a day on them, literally.

8 months after we were married, I woke up to hear my sister in law screaming at me that she could not wake her brother up, I ran down and took one look at him and knew he was dead. He was cold and blue. He overdosed. I never got to say goodbye to him, and I will never forget that day.

All the times he and I would go through withdrawal, one would always cave in and want to get more. It was an on-going process for almost 2 years. I would plead with him that we needed to get professional help and tell his family, (I have no family beside my daughter and an older brother, both my parents died from their addiction also) and he did not want to tell them insisting we could beat it one day.

All the times I look back and think if I only tried to stop him, or tell someone. He would be here with me. Now, he is gone and I cannot get him back. So please, if you have the chance to stop your partner or your addiction now, please do it. I know that my story has nothing to do with your, and i am not at all saying this is a possibility for you, what I am saying is I never thought it was a possibility for me. And not a day goes by that I do not regret not getting him the help he so desperately needed.

Good luck and I will pray you both figure things out....

LIsa

[bubbles1096]

Thanks for your amazing words. It really helps knowing I can come here for help & support from people who have experienced what I've been going through.

[christos24]

you defintely are doing the right thing and staying strong, i highly commend you for what you are doing, i was in a situation similiar in late 2007. I was with someone for over three years, they were my first and only love, but looking back there was alwasy something else in the relationship. it was always looked past, but it was the drugs. at first it was constant drinking and coke use and graduated into oxycontin adn heroin. i feel soemwhat guilty as i was the one to introduce her into everrything, i know i didnt force her into it or even pushed her at all and it was completely her choice but i still feel some guilt surrounding that. anyways, in youre situation you are doing the beswt thing you can do. you removed youreself from the drugs, which is crucial since you have children, and you dont stay with youre significant other, whcih i know is sooo hard, but it is something you need to  do for youreself in order to stay clean and sober. i know it is extremely hard to do but you need to stay away and for youre childrens safety keep what youre doing as not letting him see him as long as he continues using. and i think it its a smart choice not telling youre children about him using and youreself as well, especially if they are young. try adn explain taht there dad is busy with work and wont be around as often, but each situation is different and until he can commit to staying clean he shouldnt be around the children, it is whats best. like i said i cant commend you enough for waht yorue doing, staying clean is teh ebst choice you can make for youre family and no matter how much he nags you and tries stressing you intoo that life again it will get better with him or not because a sober life is soo much more enjoyable and you can give youre children a great mom that can really be there for them. it is going to continue to be extremely tough, but you have been strong and stay that way, and tough love is the best thing you can do....

[joann1975]

I don't really know... I went through my taper with only the forum at the time. I told my husband after the fact...and he is supportive. Have you considered NA/AA or something along those lines. Maybe there you would make new friends and friends w/the same common goal.

Yes, it can drive a person crazy and that is why I stayed so close to my friends on here at that time. It is a very rough time.

Take care,
JoAnn

[Downey]

Yes it can drive a person crazy. But I commend you on the road you have taken and I wish you well.

Downey