Aa
56 days clean but sadness may get the best of me
A couple of good friends on here said I should post for support so I will take their advice. I am 56 days clean today and I dont want to let this grief and sadness get the best of me and make me reach for those pills again.
My best friend was removed off of life support yesterday after taking a bunch of xanax a few days earlier. She was like a sister to me and her passing has brought on an extreme amount of feelings. I feel angry, and sad, and numb, and at times like im outside looking in at my own body. I have never had anyone die before that has hurt me like this. The amount of grief I have is at times overwhelming. Yesterday I didnt think I was going to be able to make it. I went to a meeting, i went to my church and just sat there and prayed for an hour. I spoke to my therapist on the phone. Nothing seemed to help. The more I tried to make the pain stop by doing the right things, The more I started shutting down. But I didnt use, I didnt even drink. But if im being honest (and thats what we addicts need to be) I am very scared I will if I dont get a grip here.
Today i am a little better. I dont feel as lost I guess is probably a good word. Im not exactly sure why I am posting this but I guess maybe because I know many of you have had grief and loss in your life so I just need to know that this pain I am feeling will get better, and That I can do this without throwing away all the hard work I have put in to my sobriety.
Love to all of you guys, this forum is a wonderful place...
My best friend was removed off of life support yesterday after taking a bunch of xanax a few days earlier. She was like a sister to me and her passing has brought on an extreme amount of feelings. I feel angry, and sad, and numb, and at times like im outside looking in at my own body. I have never had anyone die before that has hurt me like this. The amount of grief I have is at times overwhelming. Yesterday I didnt think I was going to be able to make it. I went to a meeting, i went to my church and just sat there and prayed for an hour. I spoke to my therapist on the phone. Nothing seemed to help. The more I tried to make the pain stop by doing the right things, The more I started shutting down. But I didnt use, I didnt even drink. But if im being honest (and thats what we addicts need to be) I am very scared I will if I dont get a grip here.
Today i am a little better. I dont feel as lost I guess is probably a good word. Im not exactly sure why I am posting this but I guess maybe because I know many of you have had grief and loss in your life so I just need to know that this pain I am feeling will get better, and That I can do this without throwing away all the hard work I have put in to my sobriety.
Love to all of you guys, this forum is a wonderful place...
Thanks sweettooth! Youve been such a great support to me and I appreciate it very much! :)
Ok, Maybe thats what I have been doing wrong (sitting there like a fly om the wall mostly haha) I mean I have talked some to some of the people but I have never said I need help with the steps or being new or anhything like that. I mean I guess I just assumed they knew I was new because I hadnt been there but I guess I shouldnt assume anything huh?
I am goingh to my 5 of 14 meetings tomorrow so I will make sure I wear a sign if I need to! hahaha This is an all womens group so I will feel much more comfortable with that anyways.
Thank you SOOO much for the advice on that! I know I need a sponser (several people have told me that) but didnt know how, or maybe just didnt try hard enough I dunno.
I am goingh to my 5 of 14 meetings tomorrow so I will make sure I wear a sign if I need to! hahaha This is an all womens group so I will feel much more comfortable with that anyways.
Thank you SOOO much for the advice on that! I know I need a sponser (several people have told me that) but didnt know how, or maybe just didnt try hard enough I dunno.
I'm so glad! My goodness! You all make me cry too much! Hang in there honey, and see your nephew. That will be your best medicine!
glad you're feeling a bit better tonight girl.....and glad your nephew is spending time with you to keep your mind off things.....i know how you feel with the sadness and anger....just diff circumstances.....sometimes i just tuck it away in a little box in my brain for a while so i can function in life....and now that i'm clean and emotions are raw i know it can come back full swing at any given moment.....please know i am here for you and you are a strong woman and will get thru this.....you are an inspiration to me as so many others on this site.
Aww Teresa I'm just reading thru this now and man, what a tough time...but I can also see how strong you are (even when you don't feel like you are!). Glad to see you seem to be feeling a bit better.
Just to touch upon what you mentioned earlier...We are supposed to show we are willing and that we are working for our recovery (hence asking for a sponsor when it feels right). At the same time, at least the way it was explained to me, people who are in recovery are supposed to reach out to others who are new and welcome them and give back by offering help in different ways, including offering to sponsor someone who needs it.
Early on, I was fortunate in that a nice woman heard me speak at a meeting (I had mentioned, in a kind of a humerous way, that I was new and not sure what step I was on) and she reached out to me afterwards and offered to be my sponsor. She explained that that's what people are supposed to do- reach out to newcomers.
Ok sry I feel like I'm rambling. What I'm trying to say is that I kind of purposefully made sure to mention a few times that I was new and not too sure about steps and wholah- I had a sponsor. Maybe you could kind of put yourself out there (for lack of a better words) and see if someone will catch on. I'm going to pm you and mention a few more things.
Sending xo to you and your momma ;)
Just to touch upon what you mentioned earlier...We are supposed to show we are willing and that we are working for our recovery (hence asking for a sponsor when it feels right). At the same time, at least the way it was explained to me, people who are in recovery are supposed to reach out to others who are new and welcome them and give back by offering help in different ways, including offering to sponsor someone who needs it.
Early on, I was fortunate in that a nice woman heard me speak at a meeting (I had mentioned, in a kind of a humerous way, that I was new and not sure what step I was on) and she reached out to me afterwards and offered to be my sponsor. She explained that that's what people are supposed to do- reach out to newcomers.
Ok sry I feel like I'm rambling. What I'm trying to say is that I kind of purposefully made sure to mention a few times that I was new and not too sure about steps and wholah- I had a sponsor. Maybe you could kind of put yourself out there (for lack of a better words) and see if someone will catch on. I'm going to pm you and mention a few more things.
Sending xo to you and your momma ;)
I do think about that often! He is one of the BIGGEST reason I got sober!! And moving back to Texas too. He has so much more on his plate than I do. He will be losing his Grandmother very soon (my mom) his mom is a cancer surviver and he watched her sickness, his Dad currently has an incurable cancer which we will be lucky if he lives until hes out of Highschool, and his Grandfather on his moms side (who hes also close to) has end stage parkinsons. All of this sickness and illness in such a short life is humbling to me and he makes it through it every day and continues to prosper and love and grow into a wonderful young man, This is why I need to fight this battle for him, because I promised him that with everything with his dad and his grandma that I will be there for him through it all!
And you know what, Even just typing that has made me realize that I cant let this grief get to me. I cant risk letting it get ahold of me because of that promise I made to him. Wow, I just had a full circle moment and all because of that call and typing this right now!
And you know what, Even just typing that has made me realize that I cant let this grief get to me. I cant risk letting it get ahold of me because of that promise I made to him. Wow, I just had a full circle moment and all because of that call and typing this right now!
I have a niece who is only four, but like you said Teresa, she is the most special person to me. It's amazing how a little word or hug from these precious ones can change your day around. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about your nephew. Sometimes when I'm really down I go over to my brother's just to distract myself. I always end up coming home smiling and laughing. I'm so glad you called your nephew. Now, let me ask you something. God forbid, but it if anything were to happen to you, what would that sweet boy go thru? You already know the answer to that. Whenever you are feeling your worst, think about the good times you have with him. How much he loves you and you love him. Make sure you have a very long time of special moments with him, because I'm sure that's what he wants too. You and your friends will be in my prayers tonight. Lots of hugs.
Kids can be wonderfully innocenyt and I love that about them!! and oh yeah him and I can get silly! :) I am usually such a big kid at heart and he just brings it out in me even more. I just dont play any games with him because hes WAY smarter than I am and I hate losing! hahaha Being with him tonight i think is just what I need. Im glad you nudged me into it :)
Thank you dear, And you all have been lifting me up! Its been a rolercoaster day of emotions but reading all of these posts have been invaluable to me.
Kids are amazing like that, aren't they? They have a way of getting you out of your own head and focused on something else positive. Their hopes and dreams, their fresh perspective on things. They really are great for helping you see things differently, aren't they? Or even just someone to laugh with and be silly. We ALL need a good dose of silly every once in a while. This is exactly what you needed tonight. :)
Theresa, I can't think of anything else to add that someone else hasn't already said. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. I truly am sorry you lost your friend so suddenly. You have been such an angel to all of us. Let us lift you up now. ((Hugs))
Thank you buttercup, I know your always there for me and I appreciate you more than you know. You canadians have such a soft side! Eh? hahahaha :)
He is wonderful!! Hes the only person in this world that I have loved as much as I do! I dont know if I could even love my own child as much as I love him. He's 14 and hes not afraid to hug me in public or tell me he loves me in front of his friends. I know, Odd for a teenager! But hes the only kid in our family so he has so much love in his life that he doesnt know any different I guess. Hes an amazing kid !
I cant believe how that 5 minute conversation lifted my spirits like it did.
I cant believe how that 5 minute conversation lifted my spirits like it did.
Thank you so much! Your sweet and I know more than ever right now how many of you wonderful people are here for me. I have moments of clarity and calmness and right now is one of them. I know I can work this out somehow, just figuring out the right steps to take is hard.
He sounds like PERFECT company for tonight. And he sounds like a sweetheart. How old is he?
I did and I sent you a PM but I will repeat it because it made me cry (not sad tears) so he is on his way to a movie with a friend and he asked what was wrong and I just told him I just needed a hug from him today so he said "dont be sad Aunt Teresa, You still have me and I love you and I will sleep with you tonight so you dont get sad"...I love him so much and he made me feel such a happiness (even though I started crying when he said that) Hes such a good kid and he makes my world better
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Teresa. I know it's a devastating thing to go thru. You have to be strong though. For your mom, yourself, your family. I know, easier said than done. But you WILL make it thru this. Let out all the emotions you can. The pain will never go away, but you will be able to deal with it. You're a strong woman and you know that. Keep posting and reading. You know we all love you and care about you. We can't take your pain away but we can help you get thru it. We are all here for you, honey.
I wanted to find a sponser today but im having a hard time asking people for that. I dont really know how to go about it..Any suggestions from anyone?
I did make it to a meeting earlier. They talked alot about step 7 today and being able to be humble enough to accept our own faults, admit to our wrongs and being able to forgive ourselves. They had a speaker today and I liked her. She is 20 years sober from alcohol.
Hey girl, after reading all of the above, was wondering if you made it to your meeting today and what the topic of the mtg was?
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