am i being selfish...or normal?

[Britney83]

So A frew weeks ago docs found a tumore in my left breast and that they feel thit has spread into my bloodstreem.  I am only 24 with a 8 month old baby.  My fiance found out and seemed worried.  He's still in medical school and this weekend had the opportunity to go on a business meetting type retreat thing in chicago.  I checked his phone last night and he was talking through texting to a girl from his class about whether he should stay with me or not.  She said that he should and that given that it' could be my last valentines day and my state of mind that he shouild be there.  So last night he asks me , do you want me to stay? I was like  huh? are u adcutally going to ask me that? I"m not gonna say yes becuase i know he wants to go. And i feel like the only reason he asked was that  he knew id say no so that when peoeple ask, "why didn't you stay with her" he can say, "i offered."  Does this make sense?  I dunno..if the roles were reversed and it was him depressed and that sick i wouldn't even give it a second thought...nor would i have asked...he MUST know that i want him here during this....if it was mandatory it would be different...but i talked to his girlfriend and shes' the head of the whole thing and said he can stay if he'd like and they won't hold it against him.  IT's like a class student council type thing i guess you could say, but for medical students and he's part of it.  anyhow, if it were him, i would stay for sure.  he even gave me some of his ambien which as all of you know was freaking about nyquil on the last post i wrote...anyway...i'm depressed...i wasw hoping i'd wake up this morning and see that he had worn his scrubs which would mean he went off to school.. but the scrubs are there, the suite is gone.  he left me a card and some cash...ths valentines day sucks

[VicUser]

I am glad that he came back. It's a step in the right direction for him to show he cares. Please keep us updated on your progress and health.

[Britney83]

goodness...so i was laying on the couch just about to doze off after i put my baby to sleep....and when i looked up, my fiance was standing over me! I thought i was dreaming..!!! He said he got in the car with the rest of the student council about to head off to the airport for a five o clock flight,..( he was in lab all day), anyway, he told them he changed his mind and didnt want to go! I'm guessing his girlfriend talked him into it cuz she's SUPER sweet and SO loving! either way he came home!!! i was so shocked!!!! Anyway i'm really happy he came!! hope everyone's day is as wonderful!

[VicUser]

I am glad you posted again, please know that we are here for you. There are so many great people here just to talk to. Even though I don't know anyone here other than from the forum, I feel I have many new friends that are willing to listen and help. Please post often so we know your ok and besure to PM if you don't want to post publicly.

[Britney83]

hey thanks so much for all your comments.  To answer your questions, no he's not seeing anyone. the girl he was texting is part of student council as well.  i know her well and she has a very hot fiance as well.  :)  thank you for being here to support me.  I'm just lonely and tired and not working so it's wierd to me.  I'm not used to being alone.  i moved here from seattle a few months ago and am still learning how to "be a family" we weren't planning on having a family until he finished med school and until i finished nursing school. But as we all know things dont always pan out and we couldnt both do school so i ended up having to forfit and stay with my beautiful baby.  he is good to me for the most part.  maybe i'm just jealous that he gets to finish his goal of fulfilling his dream as a doctor and i am forced to stay home? That is so selfish of me.  My daughter is not a burden to me. but sometimes i think that way....it's awful....and yes...as a recovering addict i many times get tempted to turn to pills.....i haven't....but i do think about it often.

[dove3053]

I sure wish I was 24 again. Trust when I say that this will before you know it be a distant memory and life will go on and be better. I have a good feeling things will be ok. You need to talk pm me.

dove

[liscamdave]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. How long have you been with this guy? Is he romantically involved with the girl he was texting? Listen, we are here for you, I am here for you. If you want to talk about this further, why don't you email me and we can talk. This is an addiction site and generally all the topics are about addiction and drugs. Please, I'd like to help you in any way I can. Let me make sure you are still here and I will give you my email...

Lisa

[VicUser]

You there, are you ok?

[VicUser]

There are a million guys that would love to have a wife like you. I was one of them, even after being married, whole other story. Love your baby, she is a precious gift,  my boys are 20 and 24, it seems like only yesterday they were small and I was taking them horsie back rides around the living room. Take care of yourself and being sweet and loving to him.

[Britney83]

oh..also..i took an ambien last night because i was laying there forever anxious that he was leaving this morning. every time i'd look at the clock i'd think..."6 hours till he leaves....5.5 hours till he leaves, 4 hours till he leaves, 3 hours till he leaves,,,,finally i took an ambien and now i feel like ****. I can't believe it's supposed to help people sleep.  it just made me confused and gave me a huge headache...ughhh...geeze britney why don't you cry another river....sigh

[Britney83]

thanks....i'm just too depressed to do anything right now.  I've become so dependant on him it seems like.  i hate it.  He doesn't want me to work until our baby is older. there's too much snow on the ground for me to even attempt to drive anywhere or else i'd get out of the house and go anywhere.  Even to a mall and people watch all the happy couples.  So i've been cleaning out my drawers and organizing jewlery.  tried to print off my taxes but the scanner is out of ink and i can't figure out where the new one go's.  i know...sad.  lol..i just put my daughter down for a nap.  i feel like just sitting here...i'm such a sad case..usually i'd clean and cook and look cute so that when my sweetie came home it was something to look forward to. who am i gonna do that for now?

[toxictome]

Welcome to the forum...others have given you a lot of good ideas..i too stayed home w/ my babies and hubby was out of town all week....i made friends w/ moms of babies ..a lot of churches have something called MOPS (mothers of preschoolers). It is a national organization...check it out, see if they have it in your area..it's a great way to meet other moms....Good luck.

[avisg]

you are going to need support druning this time ,so you know med help has cancer fourms ,i would check them out I am sure there are many that know what you are going threw

[sickcookie]

Thank God for cable.Have you checked in to any baby groups?You know when we roll around on floor with our little ones and other young or old moms.It can be a way to meet freinds who also have babys.Every girl needs a buddy not just our signifigant other.Maybe there are resources at the hospital or is there a coffee shop inyour area where you can hang and meet others.Having a baby is an instant conversation opener and sometimes it just is nice to have some conversations that are not serios you have enoug of that going on.In my area on tuesdays is mommy movie day where you can take baby and its okay Just some silly ideas Good Luck Darling

[VicUser]

I hope you know that even though we really don't know each other, the group as a whole, I have found more love, kindness and good conversation, than with any group of friends I have ever had. We'll be thinking of you and hope to talk soon

[Britney83]

thanks....i guess i just need to get over it....i'm sure i'll adjust ...he'll be back on sunday night...but till then i feel like i'm at wits end...i guess i'll just keep posting here and giving advice to those who actually need it...lol....

[dove3053]

Love is thru thick and thin. When someone leaves when times get hard--they don't deserve to be with you when times are good.

Dove

[VicUser]

After 27 years of marriage. I am so gulty of thinking of my feelings for the first 26 of them. I think that this is why so many married people are unhappy. Once if realized how selfish I was I started to work at loving my wife without expecting anything in return. The difference in both our lives was amazing, I am now the center of her life as she is mine.

Let's assume for now that things turn out ok for you health wise, I pray it does. Would you want your Daughter to run off with some stud and shack up or be in a loving commited relationship that would give your 84 grandchildren a stable home? Love in a marriage comes and goes like waves in the ocean. I feel that it is the bond of marriage that helps to keep the two people together during the down times. Without that bond it is too easy to say tootles, it been fun. I stop preaching now, this has been one point of view from one Dad and Husband.

[Britney83]

THank you...., he can be compassionate....i always feel like i'm asking too muh.  ...and maybe i am...he has a right to go..he studies 12 hours a day....and for the record he's not a doctor yet. he's in his 2 year of med school.  ANyway, i would go do something fun but i have the baby and i don't really know anyone here in PA cuz i just moved here a few months ago so it's pretty much me and the baby, oh and the post man comes around around 11 am to drop off mail.....so that's fun i guess...lol....i have hbo, and a bunch of channels and they are ALL blabbing about valentines day....i guess i could go play outside in the snow with my daughter for a bit.  ......any suggestions are welcome

[sickcookie]

From what ypu have told us I find it amazing that this(DOCTOR)has no compassion it would just seem the 2 should go together.My heart breaks for ya.My darling your reaction is normal.Are your parents and freinds in Seattle ,as you know seattle is cutting edge in breast cancer treatment.I know of many sucess stories.It sounds like you were just diagnosed at this point put yourself in front of anything else.Take that money and go out and do something really nice for yourself (shoes purse mani pedi massage )just a few ideas.Or could you fly home to see your parents I am a mother ,and would want my baby home to support and spoil.Sometimes we ignore peoples true colors and it sounds like he is selfish and self centered you deserve so much more.Good Luck and take care and put yourself on that pedistal that you belong.Good Luck

[Britney83]

thanks...that's sweet....i'm so eefin sick of feeling so sad..i love my daughter and we have so much fun together....and i love our house, we have a beautiful car, i don't have to work....he makes me feel so guilty because he provides everything for us.but i don't care if i live in a shack as long as i have an actual love or romance in my life....or maybe it just dies out eventually and that's it? Is that why marriages are always so unhappy? if that's the case than i am NOT ever getting married....my daughter just woke up.  I heard her sneeze and in the process she shot her pacifier across the room...lol....gotta go make her a bottle

[avisg]

sorry to hear you are going threw this .what are the doctors doing to do at this point for you

[VicUser]

PS. I am a Dad, if I one of my sons acted the way this guy is, they would have to have a bootectamy. That is were my boot would be so far up this bu** he'd have to have it surgically removed. I am so sad for you right now my heart hurts.

[Britney83]

yeah we've talked about it.  Last week we went out to dinner and over dinner he said , "you know, if it's fatal we're getting married asap baby.".....and i was like....??? HUH? So becuase you know that it's fatal, THAN you'll marry me? I know med school is rough and it takes a lot to deal with that, and the finances, and our love life, and my health to top it all off....and i do admire that he juggles all that..i really do...but i just feel such an emptiness in my life...he NEVER has time.....and like today...he COULD have chosen to stay without the president getting upset....(the school prez not the Bush prez) and yet he still chose to go...knowing that i feel this way....it really makes me wonder what's more important to him.

[VicUser]

Do you love him? If so, how about telling him the Yes, you want him to stay as long as you get married, now. Find out if he is willing to step up and be a man, or a slug that only had a shack up Honey and is now going to cut and run. I know this sounds cold, my heart goes out to you about the tumore in your breast, I'll pray that it turns out ok. But if this guy isn't going to be a MAN then get rid of him and find family member(s) that will help you.  If you do get married, love him with all your heart and with all your soul and show him everyday how much you do love him. If it's just that he is scared right now and he is a man, he will do what is right and show you the same love, respect and caring.