I'm having a moment

[weaver71]

I feel that same feeling of emptiness and isolation that I used to. I have had so many good opportunities, everything feels overwhelming. I don't feel like I can connect with anyone. I'm thinking that feeling or lack of feeling from active addiction is a natural thing, just like the high. Every thing we feel on drugs can be achieved naturally, good and bad. The difference is, I can clearly see myself. I'm waiting for it to pass the way I waited for detox to pass. Nothing is working out the way I think it will. There's a lot of clean up from my years of drug abuse. There's only so much I can do in a day, I know. I can't tell if I'm having PAWS or am having a natural bad feeling. It's really strange to feel this way again and be so aware of it. I have legitimate reasons to feel overwhelmed, so maybe this is a good thing. I can't control my emotions, but I can control how I respond. So, here I sit, waiting for time to change things. I knew that I would continue to have challenges, just never thought I'd feel this again. Still no regrets. Can anyone relate?

[SmilingBright]

Wow what an honor tony for u to even say that I helped u!!!!  Omg!!  Bringing years to my eyes.  
Praying for ya buddy!!!!

[weaver71]

It's funny you say that. I was dripping sweat and my hands where bleeding in the boards as I was putting them up last week. I thought exactly what you said every time sweat landed on a board. Literally, my blood and sweat are in the walls of my home. Most the tears go on my shirt and down the sewer, but there's been plenty of those too. Yeah, the exaggerations people use to make a point are the norm in my crazy life. Makes for good conversation and bed time stories for the kids. The kids always ask Mom "is he making that up?" Good times........Good times.

SmilingBright, you are one of my mentors too. I'm so lucky to be an addict and all that comes in recovery. We all have so much to give to each other a d are willing to give it. Hey, thanks for helping me stay sober, I could 't do it alone. I'm hangin tough, just feel low, I'm pulling out my tool bag and getting to work.

[SmilingBright]

Praying for you tony!!!   Sorry you are having a little bit of a rough time.   You are one of my mentors who has been a huge part in helping me get off of methadone!!!  I pray you take this one day at a time and God gives you the peace and joy that you deserve my friend!!!!!!  Big hugs going your way my friend!!!!
Chris

[nursegirl6572]

That's freaking awesome.  I've heard some people say their house was built on their own blood, sweat and tears...but few can say that and mean it so truthfully as you.  Really, that's something incredible.  You should be very very proud of what you're doing!

[weaver71]

My house was built over the years, starting in 1910. When I decided to leave my old life and get clean, I gave up a lot. I didn't lose it, I gave it up. Trucks, trailers, tractors, farm land, where the sacrifice. I started my new life with $500. Needless to say, scary for a sole provider of a family of 4. I threw everything into recovery and this old house was all I could get. I worked a few deals and jobs, and made it happen. Well, now I am tearing every wall in the house out. I'm about 1/2 done framing it. We stay in a tent to stay out of dust and make room to swing a sledge hammer. So there it is, up close and personal. Nothing is too personal nursegirl. I've already humiliated myself enough that nothing really matters. We are only as sick as our secrets, I love that old saying.

[nursegirl6572]

Sounds like a great plan!

If I may ask, why are you sleeping outside in a tent?  Was that your choice?  

I understand that's a personal question, of course I don't want you to answer it if you're uncomfortable, I'm just curious.  I apologize if it's pushy to ask.

You're one insightful guy...you'll get back on track, and I'm a FIRM believer that turning to the professionals is NEVER a bad idea.  I've made some amazing progress inside a therapy office.