In love with a crack addict

[trimama]

These posts seem a couple of years old and I was hoping to hear from folks about this topic.
Not that anything has changed...an addict is still an addict and the drug reigns supreme.
I could relate to so much of what the women posted about this: wanting to hang in there with him, wanting to believe things would get better, not wanting to miss an opportunity to help, etc.
Meanwhile, our own lives are going down the toilet.
And he does not care.
He can't.
Yesterday was the first day I did not cry about him and this. It has been a long time coming.
I saw him this morning, in the rough part of the city. His pupils were huge and it is a bright and sunny day.
God knows where he was last night. He was on his way to the shelter to eat this morning.
He was dirty and unshaven. Not  himself at all.
I told him I loved him but that the terms of he and I had changed.

[IBKleen]

I know it is tough to let go but it is best for you. Working on you is going to those meetings, listening, learning and making new friends. Working on you is knowing that you deserve better and doing little things for yourself to build your self-esteem. It's those little things that will keep you focused on you.

I don't know if you should visit him either. That must be so hard. You don't have to be there physically for him. My other fear is that he will have you do something illegal and you won't know it and get caught.

Like I said, post whenever you need to talk. Let us know how you do at the meetings.

[trimama]

Okay, I get that.
I have located two NarAnon mtgs near me. One for tomorrow night.
I am thankful to him in an odd way. His use of me was so blatent and so consistent that I am now almost armored against it happening again.
I now know most of the ways he can come at me to get me to do what he wants, when it is not good stuff that he is getting me to do. Nothing illegal. But stuff like cash for food, or a ride to meet a friend, or other subtle manipulations.
Things that will enable his use.
He did so well in rehab. He was believing in himself and his possibilities.
It was a positive experience but he doesn't want to go back.
At least not right now.
I don't know how often I can go back into the city to see him like that. It kills me to see how he is...hollow-eyed, high, dirty.
And at a shelter?
His poor mother would die if she saw him now, but she knew he was headed down the wrong path. She passed on two and a half years ago; he was locked up at the time.She used to say she felt better when he was locked up because she knew at least that he was safe. On the streets, where he is, he is not safe....as savvy and street wise and strong as he is...there is always someone stronger and smarter who may not tolerate him.
I appreciate your guidance. Working on me? I'm not sure how to do that.
I do stuff. I have hobbies. But there is this hole where he was, where my best friend resided. I go through the motions but I really don't feel like doing anything.
He is gone.
I hold onto the phone like it's a lifeline, hoping he will call. Not sure why. He no longer has a cell phone.
Letting go is not easy. I'm not even sure how to do it.

[IBKleen]

It is good that you haven't given up on him, he needs someone to care. But you need to take care of yourself and not enable him to use you. Know what I mean?

He can't except your love right now so turn it back on yourself.

[trimama]

Thank you for answering me.
I don't know my way around forums just yet,didn't know to check back.
I have been checked for STD's, as has he. I have his lab results in my possession. So far, so good.
With that part.
The rest is about letting go and letting God. Nathan's needs are beyond me. And you're right: he can't choose me. Crack has chosen him.
I saw him this morning, bright and early at a shelter. I knew where to find him just to be sure he was alive.
His pupils were huge and he looked so pathetic.
I wanted to feel bad but then I considered all the bad things that have happened and also that my feeling bad would not help either of us.
So I was loving but brief.
I guess I don't get how he used to be able to go days without using but that now, he is living it.
He got kicked out of rehab two weeks ago for a fight.
I see so much good in him that I refuse to give up on him. But I take pride in the fact that I did not cry over him today.

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I saw you posting on the old posts earlier and went to talk with you but you were gone. I am glad you found your way out here.

My heart breaks for you that you love someone who is so far into his addiction, especially with crack.

It is not that he doesn't love you or doesn't care, he can't right now. His drug HAS to come first.

That being said, there has to come a point when you will start to take care of YOU and re-build your life. This is sad but I first have to suggest that you get a good check up and get tested for STD's and HIV. If you know him as you do then you know why I say that.

Next I will suggest that you join a support group such as Al-Anon to be around people who are just like you and can help you, support you and share their experiences with you (in person).

Last, pray for him. He may never get it honey and if he doesn't he will surely die either directly from the drug and as a result of it.

I hope you stay around here. There is a lot of good support and right now I think you need all you can get. If you have any questions just ask away, someone is always here to help.